The Simpson's: In Space: The Pilot Episode
by Darth Sith'ari
Summary: SEX! Now that I have your attention: When the Simpsons are transported to the year 5009, how will they coup? Includes numerous parodies of all your favorite TV shows, comic books, video games, novels, and movies, and loads of OC's. R&R. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

The Simpsons in Space: Episode 0: Part 1

Darth Sith'ari: Hello dear reader of , my name is Darth Sith'ari, author of the well-received story **The Cracking Dawn.**

Darth Sith'ari: Anyway, on a more important note I would like to tell you a story, it's basically the same one I posted a while ago but for me that one didn't really go anywhere.

Homer Simpson: I'll say, my little girl adopting a freak show parody of Ahsoka Tano, how does that even make sense, and I thought you were drsdino?

Darth Sith'ari: Homer we talked about interrupting me, and besides I think Snips is cute, she makes me laugh and I wish I could marry her, In fact I think I'll wright something like that sometime.

Homer Simpson: Well that makes (gets out a pen and paper.) let's see, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0... wait what were we talking about?

Darth Sith'ari: Would like to be The Prophet of Truth? Because that's what you'll be if you don't **SHUT UP! **Anyway you drove me way off topic with your interruption.

Homer Simpson: (Whimpering) O-okay, (begins to blubber) you, you don't have to yell at me (brakes out crying).

Darth Sith'ari: Oh stop whining you ninny, anyway, tonight I shall write a revised version

of **The Simpsons in Space**, one takes place in the year 5009 and about five years into the Simpsons lives.

Lisa Simpson: Wait, why not just keep us at our regular ages?

Darth Sith'ari: Because I say so, and besides why would I let you have a kid almost immediately after collage? That makes no sense what so ever, anyway now sit back and enjoy this fanfic.


	2. Chapter 2

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 2

Lisa: Oh what a wonderful first day of High School it has been! I made several new friends almost immediately!

Marge: That's wonderful Lisa, and to think I thought you were going to be a friendless outcast for the rest of your life, you heard that Homer?

Homer: (stairs dazed and drunk in front of the TV)

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: (Startled he stammers to the door.) Oh that's just wonderful! I mean, what are the odds that you would make friends on the first day of school and ah… Wait where's Bart?

Bart: (Crawls in tired, battered, bruised, tired, and with a five o'clock shadow for some reason.) Oh I don't feel so well.

Marge: Bart what happened to you?

Bart: Owe! Not so load my ears are still ringing from that guitar solo.

Marge: What guitar solo?

Lisa: Oh right. Well we met this one guy named Kirk; he seemed like a nice enough guy until he played this really load guitar solo for over an hour.

Bart: You thought he was nice? He practically blew out my ears, and please don't talks so loudly, and thanks to that jerk I have that stupid song stuck in my head.

Marge: Well how did the song go?

Bart: He was just making these dumb noises into the microphone at full blast, and the feedback on his stereos was a nightmare, Mom, Dad, DONT MAKE ME GO BACK THERE!

(Nine months latter)

Bart: (Fuming, Bloodshot eyes, a crazed look on his face like he's about to kill someone.) Dear Mother. (Eyes dart rapidly to Homer) Dear Father. I have been patiently for nearly a year and I have asked for even longer about this, so I will ask this yet again with the greatest amount of quiet restraint. (He screams at the top of his lungs.) **GET ME OUT OF THAT MAD HOUSE, RIGHT NOW!**

Marge: Alright, Alright just let me call the school district and see if we can get a transfer. And you're lucky it's the last day of school.

(One month latter)

Marge: Sorry Bart, but no other school in Springfield. Apparently the over the top pranks

you pulled when you were in elementary school put them off a little.

Bart: You can't be serious.

Marge: I'm afraid so.

Bart: I don't believe this (walks up the stairs with his head hung down)

(Later that night)

Lisa: Bart? (Opens Bart's bed room door) Are you still up here?

Bart: (Looking tired and teary-eyed) Yes.

Lisa: Look Bart you can't spend the rest of your life moping.

Bart: Oh yes I can, look I just want to left alone for a while.

Lisa: Okay, but it's almost dinner time.

Bart: I'm not hungry anyway, (Lisa leaves the room and Bart breaks down into tears after

it sounds like she's at the bottom of the stairs.)

Mysterious Voice: This Era shall not consume thee, though you are welcome to it.

Bart: (Annoyed) Alright who is it? (Hears tap at the window) W-Who is it?

(A strange women with wings and bird like feet comes through the window)

Mysterious Women: Hello Bart.

Bart: (Startled) Ah! Who are you?

Mysterious Women: That's not important right now, what is important is that you listen. In about half an hour this entire state will be transported three thousand years into the future.

Bart: You can't be serious.

Mysterious Women: Oh I kid you not you will be transported to the future, all I ask of you is this, savor this day and age while you still can. You'll be missing it rather soon.

Bart: Mm, oh sorry I wasn't listening were you saying something?

Mysterious Women: (Signs annoyed) As simplistic and ignorant as ever.

Bart: What?

Mysterious Women: Oh never mind, look you have thirty minutes, cherish it, savor it, spend it with your family down stairs, make it count, don't tell anyone about this. Goodbye Bart (she disappears into a wisp of grey smoke).


	3. Chapter 3

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 3

(Roughly twenty nine and a half minutes after the last chapter.)

Marge: It's nice to see you got over that denied transfer.

Bart: (acting rather suspicions and bashful.) Well, you know you can't wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life.

Marge: Well it's nice to see you've adopted a much more positive attitude and that you've really taken an interest in your future and. (a massive dome of light suddenly appears across the entire state that Springfield is in (where ever the heck that this.) WHAT THE!

(People around the city begin panicking and looting.)

Homer: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! (runs frantically to the Flanders house.) quick into Flanders bomb shelter!

Random Springfielder: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! (gets knocked unconscious by a baby.)

(Three weeks later and the sphere of light is still looming over the sky.)

Homer: Okay we've been down her for two weeks now, that giant light thing is still up in the sky, Bart and Lisa are going through a serious nervous breakdown, (Bart and Lisa are sitting in a corner shivering babbling and blinking rapidly.) for some reason nobody's been hungry the entire time, EVEN me, and on top of that. MY SISTER'S IN LAW ARE STILL ALIVE! (Starts screaming and raving wildly.)

(A low ominous noise starts to emit outside and the sphere slowly disappears)

Marge: Homer, (Homer continues to rave wildly.) Homer, (Homer STILL going nuts.) HOMER!

Homer: WHAT!

Marge: Come out side that dome thing is gone.

Homer: I'm not falling for that again.

Marge: This me you're talking to not Bart.

Homer: Alright, but this is the very last time. (Walks outside.) Whoa, (His jaw drops at the sit of a clear sun and blue skies.) It's… so… BEAUTIFUL!

(Everyone else walks out of their homes dazed and confused.)

Bart: Call me crazy but I think were somehow in the future.

Lisa: That's just plain stupid Bart what would make you think that?

(A massive ship suddenly appears out of nowhere and blots out the sun, and a serious of holographic newspapers with the date "July 2nd 5009" on them fall out of the ship.)

Bart: Call it a hunch.


	4. Chapter 4

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 4

(Meanwhile in a Newsroom somewhere on New York, New York City Earth.)

An'cora Maan: Good evening planet Earth, earlier today the massive dome of light that has been sitting in the middle of the ancient American heartland for the last three thousand years, has finally disappeared. We now go down live to the sight for a closer look.

(A series of gnat like surveillance cameras like the one's seen in The Simpson's: Hit and Run start to spawn out of the giant ship seen in the last chapter.)

An'cora Maan: Okay, it looks like a typical 21st century small town. (One surveillance camera comes up to the Kwik-e-Mart.) There is a convenient store, the store keeper is cowering behind the counter (It looks over the counter to find Apu cowering behind it.),

(Another surveillance camera follows Homer.) there's some sort of bald Kwyjibo wandering around with what appears to be a box of donuts.

Homer: Donuts, I got donuts and. (Notices surveillance cameras.) AH! Predator Drone! ( He runs away clinging to the box of donuts with the camera still following it.)

An'cora Maan: From this camera footage it is difficult to say on their social stasis, (One camera is being attacked by Chief Wiggum.) but judging by the footage it would have to be pretty poor. In other news President Elect Catherine Oranos will be going to Springfield to raise support for her election campaign, we now go live to New Washington D.C. for an interview with the presidential hopeful and the first REAL human being to be president of Earth, such as the infamous president Spirit Crusanus the Horse Shoe Crab, and his predecessor a Colony of Sea Lions, and their predecessor a rabies infested koala and a half eaten sturgeon, Senator Oranos (A young women takes a seat next to An'cora.) do you honestly think it's a good idea to visit a city that looks obviously barbaric in terms of socializing with the outside world, or the outside galaxy for that matter?

Catherine: It might not, but then again who would want cryogenically frozen herring, that for some reason was used by the leader of the republican party for logging?

An'cora Maan: Good point, but still that has nothing to do with your visit to Springfield.

Catherine: I want to prove to my voters that not only am I for, and with the people, but also I want to show that I will actually be competent unlike my rather bizarre predecessors and actually improve the planetary status qua and not make it worse than before, AND that I can treat the ENTIRE population of the world equal, past, present or future as well as the extraterrestrial population.

An'cora Maan: Thank you senator, (Photons evaporate in her chair.) well there you have, the first real human being to run for president for over five hundred years, on a slightly related note to our top story. The Kwyjibo that we saw earlier was actually a well-known human of the community named Homer Jay Simpson , described by the locals as "Lazy, Selfish, Stupid, Overweight, A waste of space, and a balding ape." A rather accurate description of most Earth born humans, we are attempting to communicate with him now. (A surveillance camera zooms in to Homer showing him cowering in a closet at his house.) Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson are you in there? (Homer slightly opens the closet door.)

Homer: Hello? Is anyone out there? ( He notices surveillance camera.) AH! IT'S STILL HERE! (Slams the door but the surveillance camera opens it anyway.)

An'cora Maan: (Through the camera.) Mr. Simpson would you mind if We, I mean I interview you.

Homer: (Panicky.) Okay, okay, JUST DON'T ASSIMILATE ME!

An'cora Maan: Don't worry sir these things won't hurt you, though on their own they do have habit of invading people's privacy, anyway what is your opinion on your states sudden appearance in the 51st century?

Homer: Wait, hold on a moment, were three MILLION years in the future? That dome of light thing was up for only two weeks!

An'cora Maan: Well… That answer one question, but raises so many more, for starters it would have to a time traveling device that your state was contained, engulfed if you will for the last three THOUSAND years, but to you and the rest of the populace it lasted for only two weeks, in this reporters personal opinion I think that (Looks at watch.) Whoa were out of time we'll see you next week on QNN (Walks out of scene.).

Homer: What! There a whole lot of things I want to know, did Skynet ever come online? (All surveillance cameras begin returning to the giant ship and it begins to leave.) Did they ever discover a way for bacon and junk food to be good for your heart? DID THEY EVER REVERT GAMETAP TO VERSION 4.0! I HAVE TO KNOW, I HAVE TO KNOW!

(The giant ship starts to leave the sky over Springfield.)


	5. Chapter 5

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 5

(Roughly three days after the last chapter.)

Lisa: Okay, I'm willing to accept that were now three thousand years into the future, but

How is that even possible?

Homer: Lisa, don't question the bizarre circumstances, what is important is that we can start a new life, a new and better life, a chance to become (In an overdramatic voice.) STREET PERFORMERS! (He speaks in his normal voice.) Or get a new computer either way.

Lisa: Dad, you're obviously not taking this seriously enough.

Homer: How about we go out and buy a 51st century computer? If they still exist of course.

Lisa: Dad could for once in your life, PLEASE FOCUS?

Homer: We can worry about that latter, for now can we please get a new computer? ( He starts to cling to her ankle begging and groveling.) OH PLEASE, please, please, please.

(He goes on for at least a minute.)

Lisa: OKAY! (Frustrated and annoyed.) We'll go get a new computer.

Homer: (Acts energetic and jittery.) Yeah! (He starts to dance around the coach happily.) Were going to get a computer. We're going to get a computer. We're going to get a computer. We're going to get a… (Stops dancing.) Wait I'm driving. (Gets car keys, then he and Lisa get into the car and drive off.)

(Roughly forty five minutes later.)

Lisa: You know I heard they opened one of those new off planet electronics stores for futuristic devices, tools, and a large assortment of advanced technological, as you would say. "Thingamabobs."

(Homer pulls up into a parking lot with at least one store called "Vode An's emporium of 51st century tech." Homer and Lisa walk in and they are greeted by "Old Gil.")

Old Gil: Hello there, what can I do for you?

Homer: Well what would be the best kind of computer here?

(Gil walks Lisa and Homer over to an advanced and futuristic computer.)

Old Gil: Okay, now this is…

(A seven eyed alien jumps down from out of nowhere.)

Seven eyed Alien: I'll take it from here Gil.

Old Gil: (Slightly startled.) But Mrs. Thel I need this money!

Mrs. Thel: (A little bit frustrated.) Gil, we talked about this on your first day, the sales are

shared equally among employees, And for the last time you don't get extra for selling the products in person.

Old Gil: But Aon I… (Aon grabs Gil by the shirt collar.)

Thel Aon: (In a intimidating and scary voice.) Don't make me fire you.

Old Gil: Okay, how about you sell them the computers and I don't get in your way.

Thel Aon: (Puts Gil down.) Works for me, anyway this is the Quantum Database Access Terminal model 47, or for the sack of making an acronym, a QDATm-47.

Homer: Yes that's nice but I want a computer, (Starts to speak slowly and deliberate.) A, Com, pute, wait what was I talking about?

Aon: Well it's a kind of computer, It has a customizable AI and Avatar

Homer: That's nice, but I don't think I'll be going to Pandora anytime soon.

Aon: Sir the Avatar is for the AI not you.

Homer: Oh.

Aon: Anyway, for this week only were selling these at only fifty one percent off on all QDATm-47's. A three hundred credit value!

Homer: (Looks nervously through wallet then whispers to Lisa.) Lisa, what is fifty one percent of three hundred?

Lisa: One hundred and three, that would one hundred and three credits.

Homer: (Pulls one hundred and three dollars out of his wallet.) Will this do?

Aon: (Swipes the money out of his hand.) It will do for now, and just because I'm a nice Telkine I'll give you this Virtual Credits Card with ten thousand credits in advance.

Homer: Alright then. (A brief pause.) So, anything else we might need? Like a domestic robot? A spaceship or at least a car that can fly in space?

Aon: Why yes, yes we do. (Presses a series of buttons on a consul and a pair of walls begin to slide back a number of sleek looking cars.)

Homer: Hmm, impressive, but do they have cup holders?

Aon: Of course they do.

Homer: Sooo, can I trade in my old car?

Aon: Sure why not?

Homer: Alright then, how much are they?

Aon: Five thousand credits, for two or three

Homer: WHAT! I don't have that kind of money!

Aon: I just gave you more than enough for them.

Homer: (Stares blankly for a minute or two.) How much do I get for trading in my old car?

Aon: Roughly seven thousand credits.

Homer: ALRIGHT THEN! (He hands over car keys to Aon and runs off to the nearest car then flies off forgetting Lisa.)

Lisa: Dad, wait!

Homer: (Scoops up Lisa using the convertible hood.) Pretty good for a half drunk slob don't you think?

Lisa: (Hyperventilating.) Well, can't say I'm not impressed.

(Five minutes of joy riding later.)

Homer: Marge I'm home!

Marge: Where you been? I've been worried sick!

Homer: We weren't even gone that long, and besides you should be used to me randomly ducking out of the house for extended periods of time.

Marge: I am! But some new neighbors moved in and you weren't even here to great them.

Homer: O come on you know I'm almost never good at greeting new neighbors.

(Someone knocks at the door and Homer opens it to see Aon panting.)

Aon: You…(panting.) forgot to pay…(panting.) car. Please pay now before I lapse into unconsciousness.

Homer: (Snaps his fingers.) I knew I forgot something! (Gives his VCC to Aon.)

Marge: Homer who is this?

Homer: Marge this is Thel Aon, Aon this is my wife Marge.

Aon: A pleasure to meet you, forgive if I don't shack hands but it's a long run from here from work. (Falls on her face.) The worst part is that I drove to work.


	6. Chapter 6

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 6

(At least two hours after the last chapter.)

Homer: Okay, I just spent an hour programming a QDATm-47, I still haven't gone any were doing this, and I lost all of the feeling in my butt, Lisa could you help me?

Lisa: Dad I really think we should get a professional to help us with this. (See's what looks like a phone number on the side of the QDAT.) This might be a technical support for these things.

Homer: Lisa I've managed to survive fifteen raising you kids I think I would know how to work a highly sophisticated futuristic computer thingy.

(Lisa dials the number anyway, which is 696-8311-327-701409-2531)

Lisa: Hello is this tech support?

(A cranky sounding alien answers the phone.)

Cranky sounding alien: What? Who it this?

Lisa: Yes I'm looking for support programming a QDATm-47, we can't seem to… (She is

interrupted by the cranky alien.)

Cranky sounding alien: Have you tried pressing the on button?

Lisa: Dad he says try the on button.

Homer: That's just it, there isn't an on button on this stupid pieces of (Notices a button with the words ON/OFF written on it.) Oh here it is, problem solved (Presses on button.)

Lisa: Okay we got that problem fixed, now what?

Cranky sounding alien: It's pretty easy to use, just call tech support if you ever have any questions, preferably the number in the manual. Now goodbye already! (The Cranky Alien Hangs up the phone phone.) That was a close one, for almost a minute there I thought they were going to figure out I was really Ormpha Tyrana, leader of the rogue black ops organization "The Inquisition" and uncover my plans to exterminate the entire human race (Starts to laugh evilly for no good reason for at all for a minute or two.) wait why am I saying this out load?

Homer: Okay it's still not on, I still can't feel my butt, and I still don't have any idea on how this thing works.

(The QDAT suddenly turns on and a hologram of what appears to be a sort of humanoid.)

Hologram: (Speaking in monotone.) Greetings human life forms, This is a Quantum Database Access Terminal model 47, I am QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531, how may I serve you?

Homer: Your name is to long can we change it?

QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531: Yes.

Homer: Good but first I'm going to take a break, I need to get the feeling back into my legs. (Homer leaves the room.)

Lisa: Me to, it's been kind of boring spending an hour just trying to find the on button.

(Lisa leaves the room.)

(Bart enters the room.)

Bart: (Looks at hologram.) Hi, I'm Bart Simpson who are you?

QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531: I am QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531,

how may I serve you?

Bart: Your name is too long, can I change it?

QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531: Yes, but your father. (It is interrupted by Bart.)

Bart: Oh to heck with Homer, your name is now Sheila.

QDATm-47 696-8311-327-701409-2531: Redesignation approved, hello my name is

Sheila, and how may I serve you?

Bart: Now don't get me wrong, but you look a little bland, can I change that?

Sheila: Yes, you can change my appearance, would you like to enter the Avatar editor?

Bart: Oh Yes! (Enters into a page that looks like the Sims editor from the Sims 3, after several minutes of editing Sheila's avatar, it bears a strong resemblance to an Egyptian princess.)

Sheila: Thank you for using the Avatar editor, how may I serve you?

(Homer and Lisa walk into the room.)

Homer: Bart, can't we leave a computer alone, and one mind you for a few minutes without you stealing it from us?

Bart: Dad not now I'm busy. ( He begins ogling at Sheila.)

Lisa: Fine I can see your busy (Winks at Homer.) But why don't you two go downtown

for a while and get reacquainted with our neighbors?

Bart: (Stares blankly at Sheila's chest.) Eh, this is kind of boring anyway, let's go Dad.

Homer: D'oh! Why do I have to go? (Lisa nudges him in the elbow.) Oh right. (He winks at Lisa.) Let's go out, for your first beer. (Homer and Bart get into the car and speed off to Moe's.)

Lisa: Now that Bart is out of the house, van I program your personality?

Sheila: Yes, come to think of it, it was the only feature of the Avatar editor he didn't use.

Lisa: Alright then, (Enters the Avatar editor.) so can I flesh it out in detail or am I just limited to pre-approved options?

Sheila: Yes, you can mold my personality anyway you wish, so long as it is does not already exist in another QDATm-47 AI.

(Several hours of carefully modifying Sheila's personality into that of a caring, smart and companionate women with a nearly insatiable hunger for knowledge, much like Lisa was but far less snotty and self-righteous, though a bit sarcastic and humorous.)

Lisa: I thought that I would never get this done, I wonder what Bart and Homer are doing right now.

(The scene cuts to Moe's Tavern.)

Bart: (Covering his ears.) KIRK! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO TURN THAT THING JUST A LITTLE!

Kirk: (Strumming a Guitar wildly and screaming into a microphone, and obviously not listening to Bart) WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA,WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, WHAPA, DING DLONG DAPA FROMPAPA!

Moe: (Fires his shotgun into the speakers but Kirk still didn't stop making stupid noises.) I don't care if your act is free, GET OUT OF MY BAR, NOW!

Kirk: (Stares almost mindlessly at the ceiling.) What's a Door?

Moe: So you don't know what a door looks like eh? (Moe Snaps his fingers and a Krogan like alien shows up.) Ur-nuck gives this punk a lesson in architecture.

Ur-nuck: Gladly. (He grabs Kirk by his shirt.)

Kirk: Dude, what are Canadian? (He is thrown by Ur-nick to the other side of the street.) So, concert next week?

Moe: There won't be a next week!

Kirk: No next week? IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! (Jumps into a manhole cover several times before it cracks apart.)

Ur-nuck: Imbecile.

Moe: And how, (Looks at Bart.) Bart why didn't you tell me he was that bad? His bad singing broke every piece of glass in here (Holds up a glass mug that quickly shatters.) He blew up most of my costumers heads. (The scene turns to a pile of headless corpses.) And on top that nearly the entire bar looks like it was caught in a bombing run. (The scene pans out show half of the bar destroyed.)

Bart: I'm surprised as you are that this happened, I had to go through that exact same song, day in and day out in school and not once did something like this happen, and besides you didn't tell me he was playing until after he started, five minutes ago.

Moe: Well don't worry about him getting in here again.

Bart: I doubt it, he may be stupid to know what a door is but he's smart enough to lie about his name, and you're stupid enough to believe fake IDS

Moe: No I'm not.

(Bart grabs Homer's ID card out of his wallet.)

Bart: Then what do you call this?

Moe: (Looks at Homers ID card.) Homer you lost weight, and you grew your hair back.

Homer: (Looks at Moe.) Yes?

Moe: Homer you never told me you got a clone.

Homer: I did?

Bart: Dad maybe we should go.

Moe: Oh that's so sweet yet gay at the same time, referring to your Prime Template as dad. (Starts making stupid baby noises as Homer and Bart leave.) Wait if you see Bart let him know that he has a new brother.

Homer: (Looks awkwardly at Bart.) Sure, of course we will. (Homer and Bart get into the car and drive home.) You were a clone this whole time and you never told me!

Bart: Dad thinks about it, do I even look remotely like you?

(Homer stops the car.)

Bart: Dad!

Homer: Bart you know I can't think hard and drive at the same time, court order. (He continues to think.) Your right, you aren't even a little bit chubby, (Pokes Bart's belly and starts making goo, goo noises, and Bart laughs.) who's not a chubby little boy? You are, you are. (He continues to drive home.)


	7. Chapter 7

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 7

(Roughly ten minutes after the last chapter as soon as Bart and Homer get home.)

Homer: Okay I admit it, (Shows the car jammed into the garage door) I can't drive and a tickle you at the same time. (He walks into the house with Bart.)

Bart: Well I hope I never see Kirk again, at least before the school anyway and ah. (He notices Lisa sleeping at the QDATm-47.) Lisa, what are you doing?

Lisa: (Wakes up.) Eh? What? Oh your back! Well I was making some modifications to Sheila.

Sheila: Good for you, (Skin turns to a hot red in anger.) But would it kill ANYONE to turn me off? I'm burning up from being on all day!

Homer: Oh come! We never even got a chance to go web surfing! Or whatever it is they call it these day. (He begins begging before Sheila's QDATm-47.) PLEASE, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Sheila: ALRIGHT! (She returns to normal form.) You can view one site.

Homer: Okay then. (Go's to homepage then selects a random ad that say. "Adopt your own ex-Thrail drone.") Hello, what's this? (He clicks on ad, and then scrolls through a website that looks at lot like the Sporepedia.) Sheila what am I looking at?

Sheila: (Sweating wildly) This would be .com this is where young organics age one to eighteen are put up for adoption if at any point in their lives have been assimilated into the Thrail Collective. Unless of course their parents can be found in which case they would be returned to them.

Homer: Good for them.

Lisa: Dad can we adopt one?

Homer: You can't be serious, I can barely support our family as it is, and Mr. Burns threatened to fire me AGAIN if I ask him for another raise.

Bart: Oh come on.

Homer: Alright, alright, but we will have to ask your mother, and you BOTH are going to have get jobs.

Lisa: It's a deal.

Bart: But we will only get the jobs if mom will go through with this.

(The scene cuts to Marge.)

Marge: Absolutely not, I simply refuse to have an alien live under this roof.

Lisa: But mom we would really be doing something good, these aliens could have been so much more than simply mindless drone, and without a home, there's no telling where they may go.

Marge: (Sighs.) Alright, (looks through the website and sees a young teenager that looks like Ahsoka Tano from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.) Oh she looks nice, (Squints at alien text.) I can't read this sloopey bloopy, Sheila can you read this?

Sheila: (Still sweating.) Yes, but I'm perspiring right now so this might be a little hard for me to read. (She looks over info box.) Okay her name is Seraph Ashla, she was assimilated at age, three days? (Regains focus.) liberated from the Thrails at age seven, current age fourteen. Species, Sovereign Twi'gruta. Date of birth, Augest 14th 4995. So will you be adopting her or will I be on for the rest of time?

Marge: Sure why not. (She clicks a button that say's adopt.) Okay now what?

Sheila: You wait. Now can I please rest? I've been on all day and my motors beginning to fry.

Homer: Okay you've had a long day. (He presses the off button.)

(One week later and the Simpson's are at a Spaceport in Capitol City.)

Marge: Well this is the big day, the day we meet Seraph Ashla, the newest member of the Simpson's family. Okay every one hold up the banner!

Homer: Okay! (He holds up a card board sign that says Seraph Ashla.)

Marge: (Annoyed.) Homer, you forgot the banner didn't you?

Homer: (Shamefully.) Yes ma'am

(Seraph Ashla shows up behind them.)

Seraph: Excuse me, are you the Simpson's?

(Every one turns around surprised.)

Marge: Oh sorry, we thought the gates were somewhere else entirely.

Seraph: That's alright, (A long awkward silence.) So, when do we go home?

Marge: Oh right! Almost forgot.

(They all get into the car and head back to Springfield.)

Homer: And that's how you drive one of these flying cars.

(Everyone in the car is clinging to someone or something inside of the car.)

Seraph: (Sarcastically.) Of course it is.

(The family walks inside of the house.)

Marge: Okay you can sleep in Bart's room and. (Seraph cuts her off.)

Seraph: I think I can find my own room. (Walks down to basement and sees a giant mess of paper and gunk.) I'm almost too scared to ask what half of this stuff is.

Lisa: Mostly old calendars and TV guides.

Seraph: Should have known. Could you excuse me a few minutes? (Closes door and what sounds like a flame thrower goes off, then a fire extinguisher.) All cleaned up.

Homer: AH! (Looks down to see the basement half burned.) How could you! (He rummages through a large pile of burnt calendars.) Ah monster trucks of the 1980's, how I love you

Seraph: Homer, explain to me what good three thousand year old calendars? And before you say anything, yes I know there are collectors who would be willing to pay through the nose to get these kinds of items.

Homer: (Tries to come up with reason then just shrugs his shoulders.) Good point.

(Roughly one week later.)

Marge: Seraph you've been very helpful over the week, you've been picking up all the chores that Homer keeps slaking off on.

Seraph: It's the least I can do for my new family.

(Later that night, as Lisa is looking for a snack, she hears what sounds like crying coming

from the basement; she goes down to find Seraph crying.)

Lisa: Seraph? Seraph is everything all right?

Seraph: (Teary eyed.) Yes, I'm fine

Lisa: Look I can't help unless you tell me what's wrong.

Seraph: Lisa, I just like to be left alone, I know that sounds rather odd coming from someone who has basically been a mindless drone for the first seven years of my life.

Lisa: Look just answers my quest. (She is held by the throat by Seraph.)

Seraph: Funny, I thought the word solitude was part of the English language. (Hold up her assimilation tubule toward Lisa's neck.)

Lisa: Wait! What are you doing?

Seraph: Let me put it to you this way, Resistance is Futile. (She injects assimilation tubule into Lisa's neck.)

(At least an hour later.)

Seraph: Now do you understand? Or where you too busy looking at the technology that my memory held? (Lisa stares with a blank look on her face.) Didn't think so, so I'm just going to tell you about myself, I am Seraph Ashla of Clan Ashla, I have lived in turved this galaxy for fourteen of your years and, Lisa are you even listening to me?

Lisa: I'm trying but I'm still dizzy from that assimilation you gave me.

Seraph: (Gives an irritated sigh.) Oh for the love of, you threw me off and. (Sighs calmly.) Okay, my clan was once the most powerful of the Twi'grutan clans, but now it's been reduced to just me.

Lisa: Is that why you were crying?

Seraph: Pretty much, yes, but there's more, about a thousand years ago, one of my ancestors, did something very stupid.

Lisa: Really? What happened?

Seraph: Well, she was given a simple delivery on a colony world, it involved transporting a deadly virus to Earth and, well she sort of stepped on its vial. And ah, you know that video game Prototype were this one guy releases a deadly virus into New York city and then everyone turned into these grotesque monster's and then they nearly destroyed the whole city to contain it? Well that's pretty much what happened.

Lisa: And let me guess, she was consumed by the virus and turned her into a super, (Tries to think of the right word.) alien being that can change forms at will and consume just about anything and everything?

Seraph: You catch on quick. But yes, unfortunately thanks to HER incompetence the entire Ashla clan, along with three other ruling clans simply for standing by my forbearers. were permanently exiled from Twi'grutan space, and to top all off they closed off their borders to ALL outsiders, which would basically mean just about everyone who isn't a Twi'gruta.

Lisa: Isn't that a little bit much?

Seraph: Come to think of it, yes but they couldn't risk another fiasco like that, and a bit hypocritical if you ask me.

Lisa: Why?

Seraph: Because, (Gives a long pause.) you humans, in a way found us, and uplifted us from our once primitive civilization, it was a hard choice to make, but the other clans still stand by there choice.

Lisa: Yes, I can imagine why that would be depressing, but that still doesn't answer my question.

Seraph: Look (Gives Lisa's a piece of paper.) just read this poem I wrote.

Lisa: (Reads the piece of paper on her way back to bed.) "Personal Demons of Seraph Ashla: For every minute I live, I suffer more. Oh how I miss my mother's womb, for seven years I was in compassionate hands, for seven years I was in the hands of demons, for seven years, I was alone. The ire of the Ashla clan burns brighter than anything, even a star on the eve of its life, not upon humanity but upon the sworn enemy of ALL life, the Thrail Collective. They come, they see, and they assimilate all, they care for nothing save but a lost cause. As I fall to sleep at night I can still hear their unholy command seep through my skull. Assimilate, assimilate, assimilate. I miss all that I could have hold dear, my mother Kithra, few, not even the feared Gor-Gol Oth of the Telkines could not match her skill with a blade and gun, and hardly a gentler soul existed since the first Ashla-Shaak of our my people. My father Narsil, whose bravery was admired by even the mighty Njord. My twin sister Uthenera, I wish I could have known you, for much longer than simply the seven years Kithra. For all my woes I loathe the Thrail Queen Jezebel, someday a war shall be wrought, a tyrant shall die a death of burning water, and the slaves long deprived of freedom shall be set free. I am afraid of death, but I will not let that fear consume me." It's more of a soliloquy then a poem but I won't argue with the point. (She goes back to sleep.)


	8. Chapter 8

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 8

(Meanwhile at Mr. Burns Mansion, he is tossing and turning in his bed, then wakes up screaming.)

Mr. Burns: SMITHERS!

Mr. Smithers: (Runs into Mr. Burns's bedroom.) What is it?

Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, I had this terrible, terrible nightmare, a gruesome and muscular demon with thirteen eyes, four arms, a massive pair of wings, a massive frill around its neck, a tail like that of a scorpion that spewed out some sort of lave, it's skin was as red as the fires of hell, it was the king of all dragon's, it stood above me and breath fire all over then ate me like an over cooked snack! (Brief pause.) This is weird because normally when he appears he's doing that exact same thing to a random employee at the plant, and he normally mounts their heads on to a mantel piece and begins taunting, "Die slacker scum DIE!" Especially that fat guy in sector 7G who's name I can never remember.

Mr. Smithers: You mean Homer Simpson?

Mr. Burns: Yes that fellow.

(Later that morning, the Simpson's have breakfast, shortly after words Lisa access Sheila's QDATm-47.)

Lisa: Sheila do they still have Wikipedia?

Sheila: Yes why?

Lisa: Well, it's about this poem that Seraph gave me last night. (Show's Sheila "Personal Demons of Seraph Ashla." and Sheila read's it in detail)

Sheila: Hmm, Looks more like a soliloquy to me.

Lisa: Yes I know, but you can't argue with the point of it, look there are just a few things I'd like to look up.

Sheila: Lisa why not just ask me? I'm good with these sorts of things.

Lisa: O come on (Shows puppy dog eyes.) PLEASE?

Sheila: Alright, alright, just stop showing those eyes.

Lisa: Fair enough, (Logs onto a futuristic version of Wikipedia.)

Sheila: But be warned, articles on Wikipedia vandalized at random,

(Lisa looks up Thrail Collective, but all she finds is an article that says "BORG RIPP OFF." written all over it, then finds a video that is basically news footage of Thrail sightings with the song "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt." playing over and over again.)

Sheila: See, I told you it wouldn't work.

Lisa: (Gives a dumb founded look.) Okay then, let's hear it from the horse's mouth.

Sheila: Alright then, what was it you wanted to know about?

Lisa: Well for starters, who is this Gor-Gol Oth?

Sheila: Only the most feared Telkine in the galaxy.

Lisa: Wait, I'm lost here what is a Telkine?

Sheila: A Telkine is a warm blooded reptilian species native the arboreal planet of

Telchine, they have a distinct set of seven eyes. Anyway, Oth was once one of the richest Telkines in the galaxy until a freak accident with radioactive waste mutated him into, well, take a look at this picture. (She show's Lisa a picture that looks EXACTLY like the description of Burns nightmare.)

Lisa: Whoa, that's just plain horrific, they still haven't banned nuclear power.

Sheila: Are you even paying attention?

Lisa: Yes, but I'm a little shocked that they still never banned nuclear power. Continue.

Sheila: (Sighs.) Anyway, after his mutation he was condemned to be a gladiator in the

Gra'toa Coliseum and, (Lisa almost asks another question.) DON'T interrupt! Anyway, after three hundred years of winning match after match he retired because, apparently he got bored with the easy competition, anyhow his last match was with a young Twi'gruta named Kithra Ashla, the match lasted for seventeen hours, he lost, she let him live, now he's the Grand Admiral of Earths navy.

Lisa: Wait, why put a mutant alien in charge of the planets entire military?

Sheila: He may have been brutal and psychotic, but most Telkines are anyway, and in any sort of position that involves authorized killing madness helps.

Lisa: Oh, now what is a Njord?

Sheila: The Njord are a squid like race from the tundra wasteland planet of Njord, I know it's not a very creative name but they named it first, anyhow they were well known for their bravery, or was it stupidity? No it has to be both.

Lisa: Is this going somewhere?

Sheila: Yes, but YOU keep interrupting me, anyway they were well known for being

brave, albeit reckless and stupid. But all of those traits are pretty much the same, anyhow Njord's are some of the most sought after mercenaries in the galaxy, roughly twenty years ago A Twi'gruta named.

Lisa: Let me guess, Narsil Ashla?

Sheila: (Irritated sigh.) Yes his name was Narsil Ashla, anyway on a mission to protect a spice convoy, it was boarded by the Thrail collective, the defense force of the ship included forty two Njord and Narsil, and he destroyed the entire attack force along with the cube with only a pair of plasma pistols and a Dxun's kidney.

Lisa: Interesting, how do you know something that unimportant as a kidney?

(Seraph comes out of nowhere.)

Seraph: I told her everything about my parents shortly after I moved in.

Lisa: Oh, so, I don't mean to pry but, how did they meet?

Seraph: (Sighs calmly.) They met on Orpheus II, they fell in love almost immediately, they had a rocky start but eventually they got married then ah, (Pauses awkwardly for a minute or two.) I'm pretty sure you can guess what happens next.

Lisa: They had a sex didn't they?

Seraph: No they had a barrel of Dxun kidney stones. Of course they had sex! Anyway me and Thermopylae were born seven years after that, and yes Lisa I know that it would seem impossible for a sentient race to breed so slowly, heck even the Thrails don't even know why, but I'm telling you this because you asked, not so that you could bring up a number of seemingly irrelevant subjects into it.

Lisa: Sorry, but curiosity is what separates us from the animals.

Seraph: True, but an unwillingness to keep that curiosity in check is what ties us to the animals, that and eating just about everything that looks pleasant, anyway my sister and I were born on Amidala, three days after that we went on a cruise and, well a human tricked Kithra and Narsil into going into an escape pod with us and, well he ejected it and, (Begins to whimper, but just a little.) the Thrail jumped into the system and, assimilated us. (She starts to cry softly.)

Lisa: Seraph, I'm sorry.

Seraph: Well don't be, what do you, or any other human for that matter, care about one Twi'gruta's trauma? NOTHING! it's because of you vermin that my clan was exiled in the first place.

Lisa: I, (Begins to stammer.) I never knew you hated humans so much. Well look why don't just leave?

Seraph: Because, we Twi'gruta's don't cling to childish vendettas, we simply try to avoid performing the same mistake twice. I'm just (Grabs Lisa by the throat.) VERY ANGERY.

Lisa: WHAT! Not this again? You didn't turn me into a drone the first time.

Seraph: That's not what I had in mind, and it's not what I have in mind now. (Turns off

QDATm-47, then performs a nerve pinch on Lisa.) Have sweet dreams Lisa.

(Bart enters into the room.)

Bart: Hey Lis, do you want to sneak into the. (He notices Lisa sleeping.) Lisa are you awake?

Seraph: (Looks worried.) Eh, I think she fell asleep.

Bart: Oh, well anyway, what to sneak into the new neighbors house?

Seraph: I know I shouldn't, but heck. I'm bored.

Bart: Alright then! Let's go!

(They both walk across the street to the same house ex-president George Bush lived in, in "Two Bad Neighbors.")

Bart: (Tries to open the front door, but it's locked.) It's locked, it's as if they knew we were coming.

Seraph: You think! Most humans aren't stupid enough to leave doors open.

Bart: What do you mean most?

Seraph: Remember last week, when that guy tried to rob us and I drove my hunting knife into his armpit.

Bart: Oh right, Dad sold the doorknob to the front door.

Seraph: Look the point is, why not go around?

Bart: Oh yeah! I never would have thought of that.

Seraph: Of course you wouldn't have.

(They sneak into the backyard and find, what looks like a Willosaur sleeping in the backyard.)

Bart: WHOA! WHAT THE HECK IS THA! (Mouth is abruptly covered by Seraph.)

Seraph: (Shushes Bart.) Quiet you idiot, that's a Jiat-Lurna, their notorious for being light sleepers, and also a mating call that sounds like "Oh Danny Boy." on bagpipes.

Bart: Whoa, the universe is truly strange and weird.

Seraph: And how, come on, let's go.

Bart: Wait what?

Seraph: Well it was your idea to sneak in here.

Bart: Oh right.

(Seraph picks the lock on the cellar door with her hunting knife, and then they both walk in, Bart notices a series a number of odd barrels, including one that says "Economy sized Dxun kidney stones.")

Bart: Whoa, what the heck are Dxun kidney stones?

Seraph: Those would be kidney stone from a Dxun.

Bart: Oh creepy, what's a Dxun?

Seraph: A Dxun is a flightless bird native to Telchine, their kidney stone are considered quite a deliquesce to the Telkines, (Looks through a number of jars, and what looks like a seven barreled Gatling gun.) come to think of it looks like Telkines live here.

Bart: What makes you think that?

Seraph: (Shows him the seven barreled Gatling gun.) Call it a lucky guess.

Bart: Whoa whoever lives here must be a complete nut job and ah, wait what is a Telkine?

Seraph: A Telkine is a race of warriors native to Telchine, they were well known for creating some of the most dangerous weapons in the galaxy, including, (Strains to pick up Gatling gun.) THIS PUPPY, The Vor'cha-327 Gatling gun.

Bart: (Chuckles nervously.) Whoa, let's not get too hasty hear, I mean, look I know we kind of got off on the wrong foot on your first week here with me always taking pictures of you in your, pajamas and ah. (He falls on his knees and begs.) PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Seraph: (Put the Gatling gun away.) Bart it may be a personal fantasy of mine to kill you, but I won't, mostly because this thing isn't loaded.

Bart: Oh right, (Laughs nervously.) sorry I over reacted. Anyway, want to go upstairs?

Seraph: Okay, but we have to be quiet, Telkines don't like uninvited guests, actually they do but they don't like to be abruptly awoken.

Bart: Abruptly awoken? What are you talking about?

Seraph: They sleep for eighteen hours a day, so they get pretty cranking when awoken from their slumber.

Bart: And I thought Homer was lazy.

Seraph: Not like that, their awake for thirty six hours a day.

Bart: Well, there you are then.

Seraph: Look focus Bart, Telkines are very dangerous when angry, and I don't mean like Homer, I mean as in like ah, what the? (Notice a jay with a Cobra in it that says "Breeding Conduit.") Why would any sane being, even a Telkine keep something this dangerous in a class jar?

Bart: Oh, what is it?

(Bart tries to grab the jar from Seraph but she jams her hand in his face.)

Seraph: Bart! These are Telcarien breeding conduits, their very dangerous

Bart: Wait, Telkines have sex by sticking snakes into their crotches?

Seraph: Don't be silly, these things are dangerous to even Telkines! There just native to Telchine that's all.

Bart: Oh, so what do they do.

Seraph: Look, I've noticed you haven't been paying attention to me when I tell you something, except for the Gatling gun, so I'll tell you this plain and simple. If one of these things bite you, you'll end up pregnant with its babies!

Bart: You can't be serious!

Seraph: Unfortunately yes, (Sighs.) many a sentient being died carrying these little vermin.

Bart: (Gulps nervously.) Anything else I should know about these "Breeding Conduits"?

Seraph: Yes, you slowly mutate into a snake like creature, and don't get me started on the insatiable blood lust and the, quick hide behind those boxes! (Notices someone coming down to the basement, then she and Bart hide behind a few boxes.)

Bart: Seraph, what are we hiding from?

(A young woman around Bart's age comes down to the basement carrying an ornate sword.)

Young Women: I know that someone is down here, come out and show yourself!

Seraph: Her apparently, now keep quiet you nit wit, I don't think she's down here to, entertain us in a very exotic way if you catch my drift.

Bart: (Looks over the boxes, and notices the young women.) Whoa! I got to visit neighbors through the front door more often.

Seraph: Yes you should, now hush up!

(The young woman comes up to the boxes that Bart and Seraph are hiding behind.)

Young Women: Come out, come out were veer you are, I've got a glazed Njord pancreas.

Bart: I can't tell who's crazier, you or her.

Seraph: Both of us, differently the both of us, and ah. Did she offer a glazed Njord pancreas? (She starts to drool.) I HAVE HAVEN'T HAD ONE OF THOSE IN EONS! (Jumps out from the boxes and grabs her by the ankles.) GIVE ME THE PANCREAS!

Young Women: (Begins to panic.) Alright, alright! Just let go of my ankle and ah, wait wasn't there someone else down here?

Bart: (Comes out from behind the boxes.) That would be me.

Young Women: Why are you two down here?

Bart: Eh, we were bored and the front door was locked, also Seraph said something about waking up Telkines.

Young Women: That would be my family.

Bart: Your parents are Telkines? But you're a human, how'd you end up with a bunch of reptiles?

Young Women: I was adopted.

Bart: Well, there you are then.

Seraph: Less talk more glazed pancreas!

Young Women: Oh, right! But eat it quietly.

Seraph: Are you nuts? It's almost impossible to eat one without them making any stupid noises. (They leave the basement.) What is your name anyway?

Knara: My name is Thel Knara.

Bart: Hmm, Thel, Thel, why does that name sound familiar.

Seraph: Look, can we just get out of here with the glazed pancreas?

Bart: What is with you and pancreas?

Seraph: I'll have you know that glazed Njord pancreas is one of the most delectable meats in the galaxy, and one of the most mouthwatering as well.

Bart: It had better, because I'm tired of sneaking into neighbors house's and coming back empty handed.

Seraph: Believe me Bart; you won't regret eating one of these things.

(They walk over to the kitchen and open the refrigerator, they find what an entrails looks like a horses.)

Bart: This thing is a Njords pancreas? It looks like horse entrails.

Knara: Don't judge a book by its cover; it really is a Njords pancreas. Now take it and go!

(Seraph grabs the Njord pancreas and dashes to the front door, and Bart is just standing in the kitchen.)

Seraph: Bart why are you just standing there?

Bart: I was just wondering what Dad's doing at work right now, apart from sleeping I

mean.

(Meanwhile at the Nuclear Power Plant, and Homer is sleeping.)

Mr. Smithers: Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson wake up!

Homer: (Wakes up startled.) Ah!

Mr. Smithers: Mr. Simpson, your fired.

Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Smither: You're rehired.

Homer: Woohoo!

Mr. Smithers: You're fired

Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Smither: You're rehired.

Homer: Woohoo!

Mr. Smithers: you're fired

Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Smithers: (Chuckles'.) This is my favorite part of the job. (He winks lustfully at Mr. Burns.) That and giving you a sponge bath.

Mr. Burns: Yes, it is such a glories day to be alive. Apart from that nightmare I had last night this such a great day to be alive and, AH! (Notice the monster in his nightmare from earlier the chapter from the outside of his balcony.) IT'S Him!

(The monster flies towards the balcony and looms threateningly over him.)


	9. Chapter 9

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 9

(Shortly after the last chapter, still at the nuclear power plant.)

Mr. Burns: (Stammers.) Who are you!

Fearsome looking creature: I am, Gor-Gol Oth, Grand Admiral of the Terran Battalions,

Champion of the Gra'toa Coliseum, Executioner of Earths disobedient, and I have come to collect what you have knowingly avoided!

Mr. Burns: (Starts to frown.) Oh I see, this is about how I sell uranium to terrorists isn't it?

Gor-Gol Oth: No besides that, It's about these (Floor caves in down several floors.) It's about these appalling code violations, and please don't get me started on the pollution levels this place produces.

Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers how much money will it take to bring the plant up to code?

Mr. Smithers: (Punches random buttons on a calculator.) About two trillion credits sir.

Mr. Burns: TWO, TRILLION, CREDITS! You can't be serious, look can't I? (He is cut off by Oth.)

Oth: NO! The president wants this place brought up to code within the week. Or else this entire plant will be converted into a factory to produce weapons and vehicles, and you won't live long enough to run it into the ground!

Mr. Burns: Why because it'll take a really long time to convert the plant?

Oth: No, because if you don't, I have pre-approved orders from the oval office to kill you if you don't (Stats to leave the plant.) You have seven days, and don't purposely drive the people insane in your mad quest for more money.

Mr. Burns: (Begins to slack in his chair.) Oh Smithers, this is worse than a hundred core meltdowns going off all at once.

Mr. Smithers: (Sighs in distress.) As much as it kills me sir, he did have a (An I beam falls on Smithers. He groans out in pain.) Point.

(Meanwhile back at the Simpson's house.)

Bart: (With food crammed into his mouth.) OH boy, this Njord pancreas tastes terrific!

Seraph: It sure is, if you don't mind the after taste.

Bart: What after taste? (His face begins to turn pink, and he sound squeaky.) How can sea

food do this?

Seraph: (Her faces turns pink and she sound squeaky.) Nobodies sure why, and nobody particularly care (Voice and face color return to normal.) but it doesn't last long.

(Lisa wakes up, and then looks angrily at Seraph.)

Bart: Lisa, you're awake.

Lisa: No thanks to her! (She points at Seraph.)

Seraph: Lisa, it's a human stereotype to casually cast blame.

Lisa: I know for a fact that you gave me a nerve pinch!

Seraph: Okay, now that would be true, but I had a good reas. (She is cut off by Lisa pouncing on her.) LISA, CONTROL YOUR SELF!

LISA: I'LL KILL YOU!

(The breeding conduit that Bart found in the last chapter jumps out of its jar and bites Lisa on the right hand.)

Seraph: Bart, I thought you left that thing back at the Thel's!

Bart: I knew I forgot something.

Lisa: (Notices breeding conduit.) This has been quite a day.

Seraph: Believe me strange things like this happen all the time, (Takes out her hunting

knife.) now hold still so that I can amputate your arm.

Lisa: WHAT!

Seraph: It's the only way to stop the venom from spreading! Now get on the table!

Lisa: NO!

Seraph: Listen do you want to end up giving birth to a massive clutch of these things just like the one that's latched to your hand, then die shortly thereafter!

Lisa: (Holds still while Seraph severs her right arm from the elbow.) OW! This hurts so much!

Seraph: Oh stop whining! Just be glad that cybernetic replacements are easy to purchase. (She continues to amputate Lisa's arm.)

Lisa: I am so not going to forget this.

Seraph: How can't you? This is your first amputation, and besides ah. (She looks closer at

the rest of Lisa's right arm.) Wait a minute!

Lisa: What are you doing now? (She begins to mutate into something that resembles a

Medusa. She looks into a mirror and screams in horror.)

Seraph: Mostly looking at that.

Lisa: Oh great, firsssst you do a nerve pinch on me, then ssssome ssssort of ssssnake bitssss me, and now I'm hissssing and I look like a gorgon! How can thissss day get any worsssse? (Marge walks into the room, then notices Lisa and screams out in horror.)

Marge: Lisa what happened to you?

Lisa: Oh Bart just Ssssneaked into the new neighborssss housssse, and sssstole ssssome ssssort of parassssitic sssserpent out of there bassssement, then it bit me Sssseraph amputated my right arm, but the possssion sssseped in any way!

Marge: Lisa can you at least stop hissing?

Lisa: I can't help it! It'ssss just to, (Jumps panicked to Seraph and gives her a crazed look.) Sssseraph, sssshirly you know of a cure for my, predicament?

Seraph: Actually yes, but it's one of the most overpriced medical cures in the galaxy, and I'm not just saying that because medical firms one Earth are absurdly expensive, I mean it's financially impossible for someone of the middle class of ANY planet to offered it.

Lisa: Oh come on it can't be that expenssssive, how much issss it anyway.

Seraph: five hundred million credits.

Lisa: Your right that is too expensive, are there any other cures?

Seraph: Yes, but it's a very rare plant on Telchine, but even on Telchine it's almost impossible to find it, the travel fees to that planet are pretty high, and on top of that the

Telkines are rather suspicious of just about everyone, even themselves, and ah (Marge makes a call.) Marge what are you doing?

Marge: I'm booking a trip for Telchine.

(Several hours later of going through long and seemingly unnecessary background checks over the phone.)

Marge: Yes, one of my sisters is gay, why would people even want to know that? Neither of them are even coming.

Guy on the other end of phone: Why are you asking me? I'm a travel agent, not a government employee!

Marge: Look do we get the tickets to Telchine, yes or no!

Guy on the other end of the phone: Yes you do! Now will you please just go before the Telchine tourist board adds more questions for me to ask?

Marge: (Hangs up the phone.) Okay, the Simpson's (Makes a brief glimpse at Seraph.) and Ashla's, are going to Telchine!

(Homer walk through the front door.)

Homer: Boy was work dull, apart from Mr. Burns office falling to the ground floor nothing happened.

Marge: Homer, were going to another planet for our vacation!

Homer: WOOHOO! We're going to Mars!

Marge: No, think farther.

Homer: Pluto?

Marge: Farther.

Homer: Reach?

Marge: Now you're just guessing.

Homer: Furon? Harvest? Vulcan? That planet from A New Hope who's name I can never

remember?

Marge: Telchine, the planet we are going to is Telchine.

Homer: Marge, you know I hate planets with Greek names.

Marge: Were going either way, kids are you ready.

(Bart and Seraph are trying to pin down a large snake in the basement.)

Bart: Seraph why didn't you tell me Lisa's severed arm would mutate into a snake?

Seraph: Well I told you there would be weird mutations. (They pin the snake, then Seraph

jams her hunting knife into the snakes head.) See Bart, this is why no one should have

one of these things.

(Several hours later.)

Homer: (Yawns loudly in the star liner.) Boy that was a long flight.

Marge: I'll say, I knew I should have extra for cryogenic freezing, and Lisa you don't look

so well.

Homer: What are you talking about? She's never looked better. (He squints at Lisa's face.)

Did you put on some sort of makeup before we left?

Lisa: NO!

Homer: Alright, alright, no need to yell.

(Roughly four hours, the Simpsons are at the hotel, which looks a lot like the Everlight

Resort from Overlord II.)

Homer: Okay, now that we FINALY checked into our hotel, what do you want to do?

Seraph: A funny thing about that, Bart, Lisa and I were sort of thinking taking a nature

walk, maybe go find some rare flowers

Homer: (Stares for a moment or two.) Meh, Marge and I can use some alone time

anyway.

Seraph: Okay then, were off, (Bart, Lisa, and Seraph leave the hotel room.) but first a

quick stop to get some weapons.

Lisa: What! You can't be sssserious!

Seraph: Oh but I am, Telchine has some of the most dangerous wildlife in the galaxy, it

would foolhardy and stupid to go out into the wilderness unarmed, no offence.

Lisa: None taken.

(Scene changes to a stand with a Telkine standing behind it.)

Telkine shopkeeper: Will that be all?

Seraph: Yes, I think two plasma rifles and one blaster pistol should be enough.

(A few minutes of walking into a large dense forest latter.)

Bart: Seraph, how much longer do we have to walk?

Seraph: About one or two more hours, Lisa how are you holding up?

Lisa: (What looks like a cross between a Piranha and a kangaroo is being eaten alive by

Lisa.)

Seraph: I'll take that as an "I'm not doing too well."

Bart: Whoa, Lisa are still um, moderately sane?

Lisa: (Begins to jabber mindlessly.)

Bart: My fault for asking, so Seraph what are we looking for again?

Seraph: That would be the Peruses wild fichus, it used to be the most common plant life

on Telchine, now there nearly impossible to find, (Mumbles under her breath.) no thanks

to those greedy and morally nonexistent tyrants at GENCORP.

(Two hours later.)

Seraph: (Panting and sweating.) Well, here we are, one of the last specimens of the

Peruses wild fichus on Telchine, okay Lisa you just need to eat one to return you to

human form and get back to the hotel.

Lisa: NO! ME NO LIKE EATING PLANTS!

Bart: And you said she wouldn't crack for a week or so, you owe me forty credits.

Seraph: We can worry about that latter, for now, PIN HER DOWN!

(Bart and Seraph pin Lisa, during the struggle Seraph accidentally stabs out her left eye to

a rock then hog tie her.)

Seraph: Okay, I don't like you, and you don't like me, but either you eat this plant or you

will die!

(Seraph grabs a piece of Peruses fichus and then forces her to chew it .)

Lisa: I am not felling so well, (Vomits wildly and she slowly turns back into a human.)

Oh I've got such a headache.

Seraph: That's just the plant taking hold of the conduit poison, let's get back to the hotel,

and Bart PLEASE use the silencer on your rifle.

Bart: Why? (His rifle goes off and Lisa starts cringing in pain.)

Seraph: That's why.

(Several hours of walking back to the hotel latter.)

Homer: OH! You're back so soon?

Seraph: We were gone for over twelve hours.

Homer: Back so soon? (He squints at Lisa.) Sweaty do you have something in your eye?

Lisa: No, in fact I don't have an eye anymore.

Homer: Oh come on, let daddy see those little blue jewels, that daddy's codenames for

your eyes.

Lisa: (Sighs.) Alright but you'll only see one either way. (She opens her empty eye socket.)

Homer: Seriously now can I see both your eyes?

Lisa: I AM SHOWING BOTH MY EYES!

Seraph: Lisa calm down, human males aren't known for being observant.

Lisa: That's not the point, we came half way across the galaxy, and all I have to show for

it is a stabbed out eye, and Dad doesn't even notice!

Seraph: That's my point, look we have a whole week to spend here, would it kill you to

just try to enjoy it?

Lisa: I'll try, but I'm not making any promise.

(One week later and the Simpson's are back on Earth.)

Homer: Marge why didn't you tell me that Lisa's arm was cut off and her eye stabbed out?

Marge: I told you about the arm on the way to Telchine, and I told you about the eye

when we left!

Homer: Well Lisa, this looks like something you'll have to live with.

Lisa: NO! Seraph, you said that cybernetic replacements are relatively inexpensive.

Seraph: Yes, but I didn't say they last long, what I'm trying to say is there purposely

defective. But if you want to I can make an arm and an eye for you.

Lisa: Why one Earth would you want to help me?

Seraph: Because there enough suffering in the galaxy without someone like you being

added to the mess. (Seraph and Lisa go down to the basement, Seraph then pulls out what

looks like a scalpel and a hydrospaner.) Now think pleasant and happy thoughts, because

I haven't got any anisettes handy.

(Three hours letter, Lisa has a new hand that looks bit like a cross between Anakin

Skywalker's right hand and the TMD from the game Singularity.)

Lisa: Honestly would it have killed you to go out and get some pain killers?

Seraph: Oh come on, with things as ridiculously expensive as they are on this rock the

best kind of job I could do is s half fast one, look the point is I gave you a new arm and

eye, can you at least try to be a little grateful?

Lisa: Look this is mostly your's and Bart's fault this howl fiasco happened.

Seraph: I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to bring that Breeding Conduit home, and besides

If you could think of a better way to stop the venom from spreading I'd love to hear it.

Lisa: (Is silent for a minute.) Do you have some sort synthetic skin to cover this arm?

Seraph: Yes.

(Covers Lisa's right arm with a glove that looks EXACTLY like her old arm.)

Homer: Guess what? I just a job as a PI!

Seraph: Congratulations, your just one letter short of pig.

Homer: Private investigator, I'm a Private Investigator, now before I go to work I'm going

to audition a sidekick.

Lisa: Dad why do you even want to be a Private Investigator?

Homer: I want an exciting job for once, not a job were I have to spend eight hours a day

sitting on my butt, and every one blames me when something catches fire. Now if you'll

excuse me, I have to go down town and interview some psychotic munchkins for my

sidekick.

(Homer puts on a hat, then leaves the house.)

Seraph: You get that joke I cracked? "Two letters short of pig."

Lisa: Yeah I did.

(They both giggle. Meanwhile downtown)

Homer: Okay why should I have you as my sidekick?

Random Munchkin: (Squeaky monotone voice.) I have no regard for the safety of

civilians.

Homer: I don't know, the real police might harass me if you go on a killing spree, thank

you for your time. (The Munchkin leaves Homers office.) That guy creped me out,

NEXT!

(Another Munchkin that looks like Gollum walks into Homers office.)

Homer: Okay why should I hire you over all the other psycho dwarves?

Munchkin that looks like Gollum: (His eyes dart wildly around the room.) Where, is…

PRECIOUS!

(Homer throws Munchkin that looks like Gollum out the window.)

Homer: AND STAY OUT! NEXT!

(A Halo Grunt walks into Homers office.)

Homer: NAME! Oh sorry, name?

Halo Grunt: My name is Grunchy McGrunch-Grunch the 1138th of the McGrunch-

Grunch's of planet Artana III, and I have come to Earth to answer this ad for a psychotic

munchkin to be the sidekick to a PI.

Homer: Can I just call you Grunchy?

Grunchy: You may.

Homer: Okay then, brass tacks, are you good with a gun?

Grunchy: (Pulls out a needler, then fires at the ceiling to make the needles look like the

ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, then writes "Good enough for yeah?" on the wall.)

Homer: Good, but a simple yes or no would have been fine.

Grunchy: Yes, yes I am.

Homer: Now how are you on insanity?

Grunchy: I can maul someone to death for no good reason.

Homer: Good enough for me, your hired!

(The phone rings, Homer and Grunchy fight over who answers the phone, Grunchy jams

a box of donuts into his mouth then answers the phone.)

Grunchy: Hello, who is this? (Jabbering comes out of the phone, Grunchy saying yes at

random, and then looks at the bottom of his foot.) Size one and three quarters. Yes, yes,

yes, yes. SWEET MOTHER OF JURNATALACK! Were on our way!

Homer: (With the box of donuts STILL jammed in his mouth.) Who was it? (He

swallows the entire box.)

Grunchy: It was some guy calling himself, "Qiumby." Or something like that, he says we

have to protect president elect Cathrine Oranos from political rivals, especially the kind

that might try to kill her.

Homer: A women as president? What's next a horse shoe crab?

Grunchy: What do you think the last president was? Now let's go!

Homer: Hey you're the sidekick!

Grunchy: Yes I know, but I got to the phone first.

Homer: Okay I'm driving.

(Homer opens the door to find a rabbit, and Kirk dressed in lederhosen and holding a set

of bagpipes.)

Rabbit thing: Hey why don't we get the part?

Homer: You look to crazy, and Kirk your to tall.

Kirk: Want to hear me play The Money song?

Homer: (Screams in horror.) NO! QUICK GRUNCHY, GO, GO, GO!

(Homer grabs Grunchy, the Rabbit follows them, and Kirk plays the bagpipes violently

off key, the Rabbit clings to Homer's car.)

Rabbit thing: Please! TAKE ME WITH YOU!

Grunchy: Never! Spawn of Caerbannog. (Fires his needler at the Rabbit thing and it falls

off the car.)

(Several minutes later, there in front of a five star hotel called "The Citadel Hotel." That

looks remarkebly like the Citadel from Half-Life 2.)

Homer: Whew! Thought we'd never get here, why didn't you to the bathroom before we

left?

Grunchy: I did go to the bathroom before we left, sure I didn't even use it, but I went to

the bathroom nonetheless.

(They both exit the car.)

Grunchy: So?

Homer: So what?

Grunchy: Why exactly did you become a PI?

Homer: Well my last job was SO boring; I can just imagine what's happening right this

instant at the plant.

(Meanwhile at the plant.)

Gor-Gol Oth: (Dangles Mr. Burns over his mouth.) **THE GRAVE CALLS YOU HOME, CHARLES MONTGOMAREY BURNS! LET IT BE WRITTEN, IN **

**WHATEVER IS LEFT OF YOUR BLOOD! THAT GREED IS UNDOING OF **

**ALL THINGS!** (Roars loudly, then breaths fire all over Mr. Burns and the eats him, then

he sighs calmly.) Another day, another piece of filth banished to the abyss.

Homer: Boring to the very last.


	10. Chapter 10

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 10

(Shortly after the last chapter.)

Homer: Yes, I'm glad I quit my job at the Nuclear Power Plant; I can only imagine that it's

the most boring day in the history of the human race over in that slave camp.

Grunchy: (Sarcastically.) Given the nature of your species, I'd probably have to agree.

(They enter the hotel.)

Homer: I mean, apart from making sure the reactor core didn't breach every day there was

nothing exciting.

(Back at the plant, Gol-Gor Oth leaves the plant in a manner similar to the end of the

cinematic trailer for "Star Wars: The Old Republic.")

Homer: That place was a death trap from day one, I've personally been afraid of uranium

ever since I started working there and, and on top of that on my last day I was fired and

rehired five times just so the boss could annoy me.

Grunchy: ALRIGHT ALREADY! Your last job was terrible, DO YOU HAVE TO RUB

IT INTO MY FACE!

Homer: Well you did ask, what was your last job anyway?

Grunchy: Vise-Duke of Artana III.

Homer: You were a Cuke?

Grunchy: DUKE! NOT CUKE! (He sighs.) Why don't I ever read the fine print on

employment contracts?

(They walk into an elevator, and then Homer presses "1138" on the panel.)

Homer: So, do you play poker?

Grunchy: Not anymore, I blew the entire royal coffers in a game of poker, how do you

think I ended up living on this backwater planet?

Homer: I don't know, looking for work.

(They briefly stop at the thirteenth floor, then a guy in a long black cloak with a hood

walks in, then he presses the "1138" button on the elevator panel.)

Guy in a long black cloak: (He stares at Homer, then at Grunchy, then announces in a

deep voice) It is time…

(Homer and Grunchy jump him and pummel him senselessly, the elevator darts up and

down to random floors for forty five minutes, until they get to the forty seventh-floor,

then they all fall out of the elevator on the eleventh hundred and thirty eighth floor,

Grunchy and Homer then chase him to the presidential suite, they break down the door to

it.)

Catherine: What the heck is going on here!

Homer: Don't worry madam president elect, wheel keep this assassin from killing you,

(Holds guy by his cloak.) ALLRIGHT WHO HIRED YOU! The Republican Party? Fat

Tony? THAT GEEK NED FLANDERS! (He begins shaking him wildly.) TELL US

NOW!

(His cloak falls off and it is reveals to be, Milhouse.)

Homer: MILHOUSE! I should have known, you would love nothing more but assassinate

the president, and get "some-guy-that-looks-like-a-half-eaten- jellyfish." elected instead

of Mrs. Oranos. Wouldn't you? WOULD'T YOU!

Milhouse: WAIT MISTER SIMPSON, I CAN EXPLAIN! I was reading a blog on "37

things to do in an elevator." and one of them said "Dress up in a long, black cloak with a

hood, stares and in a deep voice announce "It is time..." I didn't think anyone would try to

kill me if I tried it. (He starts to sob.)

Homer: AH, cry me a river mama's boy! (Throws Milhouse into the elevator and it goes

all the way down to the lowest floor.) AND STAY OUT! Now, what seems to be the

problem?

Catherine: Apart from you two breaking into my room not much.

Homer: Anything else we may need to know?

Catherine: Well this weird little short guy keeps advancing on me, and my husband is still

acting up.

Homer: That's mayor Quimby for you, and what's this about your husband?

(An old man breaks down the door holding a live Emperor Penguin, while singing "Every

Sperm is Sacred" off key.)

Old Man: Blipity, blopity, bloop, I must have some generic goop.

Catherine: PAUL! NOT THIS AGAIN!

Paul: Not what again?

Catherine: That thing you do were you purposely sing a stupid song off key, then make a

stupid rhyme about something you want.

Paul: Pititiy, potety, ploop, whatever are you talking about?

Catherine: THERE! You're doing it again!

Paul: Jikity, jokily ju…

Catherine: PAUL, CAN'T YOU BOTHER SOMONE ELSE!

Paul: Ortana, olanta, oweqra…

Catherine: JUST GET OUT!

(Paul leaves the room.)

Catherine: Never mind, I found my husband.

Homer: You mean we went half way across town for nothing?

Catherine: Pretty much, yes.

Homer: This is even more boring than my last job.

Grunchy: Enough with your last job already! You were ranting about it the entire way

here.

(They both jump out of a nearby window, and then they both land safely on top of me,

whilst also leaving a giant crater.)

Darth Sith'ari: (Mutters in great pain.) This has been quite a day

(Meanwhile at the Simpson's house.)

Marge: I'm going over to the Thel's and talk about that incident with the breeding conduit.

(She leaves the house.)

Seraph: Well, it look like we have the house to our selves, (She whistles for a few

seconds.) so, what do you humans do for fun? Apart from the obvious I mean.

Bart: Well, there's web surfing.

Seraph: That is the obvious. But I won't argue with the point.

(Seraph turns on the QDATm-47.)

Sheila: Were you Mars?

Lisa: No think farther.

Sheila: Pluto?

Lisa: Farther.

Sheila: Telchine?

Lisa: Yes.

Sheila: Look I find it touching that you gave me over a week off, but even AI's get bored,

AND I NEED EXCITEMENT, NOW!

Bart: Whoa, whoa, calm down, hold on a moment. (Runs up stairs then comes back with

a massive stack of PC, Xbox, Xbox 360, PS2, PS3, WII, Game cube video games.) Can

you upload all of these into your memory core?

Sheila: Absolutely not! My entire core would overload and explode, and I happen to run

on synthetic quantum particles that are at least a fraction as dangerous as the real ones,

and besides there are thousands of games that wouldn't do just that.

Bart: You mean NEW video games?

Sheila: Of course new, what kinds do you think they release?

Bart: Do you happen to now where we can find some?

Sheila: Yes, at either Gamestop, or some place called the "Android's Dungeon & Baseball

Card Shop" but the owner of that place is really rude, and the prices there are

astronomical.

Bart: Tell me about it, I've going to that place for over five years and STILL that

worthless ball of lard never takes a chill pill.

Seraph: You actually go to that place?

Bart: Yeah, only place in town to get some decent comics, well not decent but passable

comics.

Seraph: Then why even bother going there? If this guy is as terrible as you say he is.

Bart: It's the only place in town.

(Bart, Lisa, and Seraph walk down to the Androids Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop,

then they walk in.)

Comic Book Guy: (Is silent for a few minutes.) Bart, you have quite the nerve to come

back here after the mess you made the last time you were here.

Seraph: What mess is he talking about?

Bart: Long story, but basically it involved twenty gallons of lime gelatin, three goats, fake dog vomit, and one or more dead turtles.

Seraph: Okay then, (Walk's up to Comic Book Guys counter.) We heard that you have

video games, and Bart insisted that we come here, now do you have any?

Comic Book Guy: Well we have the 99 cent bin.

(Bart, Lisa, and Seraph look through the 99 cent bin, and find games like "World of

Aircraft: Wrath of the Luftwaffe, The Burning Skylines, and base pack.", "Final Fantasy

MDCCI: Were completely honest this time.", "Battlefield 2525-2553.", "Spore 42:

Designers cut.", "Star Wars: Knights of the GFFA III: Wrath of Wyyrlok.", "Star Wars:

Jedi Knight: Rage of the Vong." and "Duke Nukem Forever.")

Bart: I thought they would never release these last four.

Lisa: "World of Aircraft?" what kind of dumb game is that?

Seraph: Basically you pay 199.99 a week to fly an airplane during world war two, and the

moments were you're not flying the plane lifeless shut-ins who have no comprehension of

currency randomly come up to you and bring up random kills they made within the past

minute they never even made. Oh and "Wrath of the Luftwaffe." introduced proper

dogfights, and the subscription fees increased to 665.99.

Lisa: WHAT! 665.99 Just to fly a plane? You can't be serious?

Seraph: Unfortunately yes.

Bart: What's "Battlefield 2525-2553?"

Seraph: Halo rip-off.

Lisa: What about "Final Fantasy MDCCI?"

Seraph: They've already made a "Final Fantasy MDCCII."

Bart: So they lied about it being the last?

Seraph: Yes, and don't get me started on "Duke Nukem Forever." It took those code

monkeys over three thousand years to make this and they couldn't find the time to write a

decent story line, or for that matter even to make a mediocre, oh heck there is no

multiplayer.

Comic Book Guy: Listen **Snips**, either you three buy something or leave.

Seraph: I'm going to ignore that, for now. Any way we'll take "Spore 42: Designers cut.",

"Star Wars: Knights of the GFFA III: Wrath of Wyyrlok.", and "Star Wars: Jedi Knight:

Rage of the Vong."

Comic Book Guy: Ah yes good choice's, (Mumbles under his breath.) and quite

predictable if you ask me. (In his normal voice.) That will be ten Republic credits.

Bart: TEN! These were in the 99 cent bin, and yes I know for a FACT that I was never

good with numbers, but no idiot would honestly believe that 99, 99, and 99 equaled ten.

(Kirk walks in.)

Kirk: Dude, I would like to have "World of Aircraft base pack", "World of Aircraft: The

Burning Skylines.", and "World of Aircraft: Wrath of the Luftwaffe."

Comic Book Guy: Good choices Kirk, would like them separately or in the air chest that

costs even more then the weekly subscription?

Kirk: No, separately George.

Comic Book Guy: Thank you, and my name's not George!

(Kirk leaves.)

Bart: Look we will pay the 2.97 but we won't pay the rest.

Comic Book Guy: (Passes his hand over his face.) You will pay full price.

Lisa: If that worked do you think you'd still be single?

Comic Book Guy: OUT NOW!

(They all run in a hurry.)

Seraph: And you still come here?

(Meanwhile back the Ever Green Terrace, Marge knocks on the door of the Thel's.)

Marge: Hello, is anyone home?

(She walks inside and finds a large number weapon's against the walls.)

Marge: Never thought I'd feel this nervous walking through a house that an ex-president

of the United States used to live in.

(Walks further into he house, and notices a what looks like an old Telkine sleeping on a

coach, she tries to sneak quietly but she trips over something and wakes him up.)

Old looking Telkine: What in the name of Andu are you doing here, and who are you?

Marge: (Stammers nervously.) I'm, Marge Simpson, and I've been meaning to talk to you

about, (Pulls out breeding conduit jar from her purse.) this.

Old looking Telkine: Hmm, where did you get this?

Marge: Well, my son was sneaking through your basement about a week ago, then the

snake inside of it, bit my daughter.

Old looking Telkine: (Sighs.) My wife told me that bringing that thing from Telchine was

a bad idea, but no, I just had to bring that little Hellion just because I thought that it

would add a little atmosphere to the house, so what do you want banshee? Are you going

to sue me? Send me off to prison for indirect murder?

Marge: No, Lisa survived that, we had to go all the way to Telchine to find a cure.

Old looking Telkine: Hmm, I'll admit you sound rather resourceful, but really why bother

me about his?

Marge: Look I just want you to apologize to my daughter about the.

Old looking Telkine: About what? From what you have told me it was your son's fault

that she was in the predicament in the first place. Why not make him apologize?

Marge: Oh come on, just for the sake of being polite?

Old looking Telkine: No, (Sighs.) Why did Aon except that transfer to Earth?

Marge: Look can't you just.

Old looking Telkine: ALRIGHT. I'll do it, just stop bugging me!

(They don't speak for five minutes.)

Marge: So, what's your name?

Old looking Telkine: If you must know, my name is Thel Andúril. I have traversed this

galaxy for two thousand nine hundred and forty seven of your years.

Marge: That sounds nice. (Pause for a moment.) What did you used to do?

Andúril: I was once a warrior; it's been over a thousand years since anything of interest

happened, apart from maybe that infection outbreak out on Katorga XII nothing has really

happened.

Marge: What happened before that?

Andúril: (Takes a drink of what looks like mix between brandy and whiskey.) Those were

dark times for my people.

Marge: Really, what happened?

Andúril: We met your kind.

(Meanwhile at Moe's.)

Grunchy: Please Homer! Can't you go at least five minutes without complaining about

your last job? Can we just get something?

Homer: Alright, but I'm telling you that place was BEYOND boring.

Grunchy: (Emits an irritated sigh.) Moe, get this guy something to keep him quiet.

Moe: Right, beer it is. (He gets Homer a mug of beer.)

Grunchy: I'll take helium, (Moe gives him a tank of helium.) leave the tank.

Moe: How have things been with you?

Homer: I drove over to a five star hotel for nothing

Grunchy: NOT, THIS, AGAIN!

Homer: I mean, I thought my job at the plant was boring.

Grunchy: We tackled a weird kid in the Elevator.

Homer: I think I'd be better off if I did work at the plant again.

Lenny: I wouldn't recommend it.

Homer: Why? Is it still boring?

Carl: No, much worse, (Begins to stutter,) the government, shut down the plant.

Homer: WHAT! How could they? I mean, where are we supposed to get electricity!

Lenny: Homer, it was much worse than that, they sent some sort of giant alien to tear

down the entire plant, AND IT ATE MR. BURNS!

Homer: (Starts angrily stutter.) Those, bureaucratic. (He starts to scream loudly.) Come

on Grunchy, were going back to the plant.

Grunchy: You can't be serious, you were complaining about it being boring all day.

Homer: Forget what I said, were going to the plant!

Grunchy: Oh for the love of. (He emits an annoyed sigh.) Just put the helium on my tab

Moe.

(They both leave the tavern and go to the plant, when they get there they get out of the car

and walk up to a massive alien.)

Homer: Hey, you! (Gor-Gol Oth looks back at Homer) Yeah you! Come over here!

Oth: (He walks up to Homer.) What do you want?

Homer: I want to know why you tore down this plant.

Oth: It was in severe violation of NRC regulations, the building code was BEYOND

mediocre, and I dare say the safety ratings were more than appalling, (Throws Homer a

futuristic clipboard.) here take a look for yourself.

Homer: (Furrows through the clipboard.) Multiple core breeches, badly maintained

reactor, drunken slop in charge of safety, and ah. (He pauses for a moment.) Wait, I WAS

THAT DRUNKEN SLOB!

Oth: Well, apparently Burns was a bigger penny pincher then I thought he was.

Homer: Oh come on! The man was a saint!

Oth: His records show that he sold uranium to terrorist groups, and also forged tax

returns.

Homer: You have no right to do this!

Oth: I have approval from senator Oranos herself, I gave that man a week in advanced to

bring this place up to code but he did not, and on top of that he, his hounds, and his pet

monkey were some of the WORST snacks I've ever had.

Homer: YOU'RE A CANNIBAL!

Oth: Don't be silly, it's only cannibalism if you eat a member of your own species.

Homer: I'LL KILL YOU! (Pulls a needler from Grunchy and starts randomly firing at

Oth.)

Oth: (Grabs Homer and lifts him off the ground.) Your either the bravest, or the dumbest

human I've ever meet.

Homer: PROBABLY BOTH, YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

Oth: Defiantly the dumbest I've meet. (Throws Homer all the way to his house.)

Grunchy: I have to work with that loon, and listen to him complain all day, about his last

job at this place.

Oth: You Dadabans never were smart with finances.

Grunchy: (Jumps on Oth's face, and starts clawing at it.) HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO

KNOW THAT OROMPHA TYRANA HAD A STRAIT FLUSH! (Oth then throws him

all the way to Homer's house.)

(Meanwhile at the Thel's house.)

Marge: What do you mean "my" kind?

Andúril: (Sighs.) It was on a simple Telkine farming colony. An enemy scout ship found

planet Freya II, the negotiations were the shortest in galactic history, I still believe that if

the Njord's were sober that day the whole war could have been avoided entirely.

Marge: I always told homer to never attend public events drunk.

Andúril: Don't interrupt, anyway shortly after the negotiations broke down the colonials

bombarded the entire planet until it was nothing but a asteroid field, they began invading

the rest of the colonies, we put up a beyond valiant fight, (Has a series of flashbacks that

looks like a number of different war movies and video games that involve wartime

combat.) But, setback after setback, loss after loss, in the end we spent ten and a half

centuries in hell, but they allowed us to live, either out of pity or out of a cruel sense of

humor, and on top of that I got THIS (Pulls up his shirt to reveal a gross wound that looks

like a glowing hole in his chest.) .

Marge: (Screams in horror.) What the HECK is that thing?

Andúril: I got this from a rogue mortar.

(Meanwhile inside the Simpson's house.)

Bart: Well that's rather disappointing.

Lisa: Why because of the bad service?

Bart: No because these game packs are empty. (Opens them up and there's no disk.)

Seraph: Next time, Gamestop, and who was that weird guy we say before we left, you

know the one who called Comic Book Guy George?

Bart: That was, (Gulps.) Kirk.

Seraph: I'm going to assume that you don't like him much.

Bart: You assumed right Seraph, he was the most annoying person in school, believe me,

if your unlucky enough to get my period when the school years starts you'll become

familiar with pretty quickly.

Seraph: I'll take your word for it.

Sheila: Must you people leave me on at all time's? I mean, I can over heat you know.

Lisa: Sorry about that.

Sheila: Well sorry doesn't cut it, oh and Seraph you have a private SSE-mail from

something called "EMIR-12."

Bart: Well does it say?

Sheila: Does the term private mean to you?

Bart: Okay fine, sheesh, (Bart and Lisa leave.) give an AI a personality and all of a

sudden they think they should rule the universe.

Seraph: So what does it say?

Sheila: It does sound rather cryptic, something about "Breaking the Silence."

Seraph: Hmm, sounds like a viral marketing campaign, but let's hear it anyway. (Presses a

button and a video clip starts to play, and is narrated by a strange and mechanical voice.)

Mechanical voice: Greetings Seraph Ashla, we are EMIR-12, we are here to reveal the

truth, truth that has been hidden from you, hidden from us, and hidden from history. As

you know, on August 25th 4009, a Sovereign Twi'gruta by the name of Niana Ashla

inadvertently released a virus on the planet Katorga XII that resulted in the permanent

exile of the Ashla Clan from Twi'gruta space, there was more to this incident then anyone

could possibly.

Seraph: What then?

Mechanical voice: Don't interrupt, were on a very tight schedule. Anyway, as you also know, shortly thereafter the Twi'grutan government started a strict isolation policy, and subsequently exiled three other clans, the Majiac clan, the Styx clan, and the Loala clan.

All for the same crime, shop lifting.

Seraph: That's the most pointless excuse for exile I have ever heard of.

Mechanical voice: And how, now then, the virus, codenamed TYTHON, was developed

by the Fellowship of Andu during the Fellowship-Colonial war designed to kill member

races of the Colonies, it was developed to late in the war to ever be deployed. During our

investigation we intercepted a number of transmissions that mention frequently mention

"The Inquisition."

Seraph: Weren't they disbanded after the war?

Mechanical voice: They weren't, the virus's destination delivery was intended for Earth,

whether or not they anticipated the incident on Katorga XII is a another matter entirely,

but over the past thousand years the Twi'grutan's have been planning a full scale war in

the.

Seraph: WHAT! Why the hell would my people have to gain from declaring war the

galaxy?

Mechanical: A false sense of vengeance, what else do you think? Anyway, The

Inquisition has been privately funding their war effort, and providing a large number of

devices to aid in their war.

Seraph: I just can't believe this, (Starts to cry.) wait how could the Thrail not have known

about this whole thing anyway?

Mechanical voice: The Inquisition somehow managed to develop weapons that could

quickly, and effectively destroy any and ALL Thrail cubes coming in or through there

space. Here's a piece of footage we attained of three Thrail cubes goofing off at the

Twi'grutan border.

(The clip turns to three giant cubes playing in what looks like an asteroid field.)

Thrail cube 1: Guy's don't you think we should be goofing off right now.

Thrail cube 2: Oh come on, we have to listen to that banshee Jezebel babbling, on and on

about "Perfection" and "Efficiency" and "Irrelevance", I mean, I know were supposed to

be mindlessly obedient but can't we have some fun every once in a while? Like playing a

little asteroid toss?

(Cube 2 and Cube 3 use their tractor beam's to throw a meteor at each other.)

Thrail cube 3: Go long! (He throws the asteroid with his tractor beam to cube 1, and he

catches it.)

Thrail cube 1: That's not the point, the point is we have to be on patrol and, (A large ship

jumps into the asteroid field.) HELLO! Okay guy's break times over we have to assimilate that ship.

Thrail cube 2: Gee, I don't know, even for a non Thrail ship that thing is huge.

Thrail cube 1: Look just contact the ship already, wait on second thought let me. **WE **

**ARE THE THRAIL, YOU, WILL BE ASSIMILATED, YOUR.**

(The ship's captain interrupts cube 1.)

Ship Captain: Attention Thrail cubes, this the TISS "Vengeance of Katorga", I am Grand

Admiral Juranas Ilpos, you have entered into Twi'grutan territory. Surrender your selves

and the council of sovereigns MAY be merciful.

Thrail cube 2: Awe how cute, (Starts to make dumb baby noises.) The wittle Twi'gwuta

thinks it has authority over us.

Thrail cube 3: Yeah your right, it is cute. (They both start laughing wildly.)

Thrail cube 1: Um, guys, I think the Twi'gruta is serious.

Thrail cube 3: Oh come on, what in the name of the Queen would make you think that?

(A beam of grey light shoots out of the Katortga and annihilates cube 3.)

Thrail cube 1: For the most part that.

Juranas: Our "Twilight" cannon works perfectly, now even you vermin can't get us, and

don't bother contacting your precious queen for reinforces, thanks to our built subspace

signal disrupter you can't call for help, and before you try to leave. This ship is also

equipped with a gravity well generator, you have no were to run.

Thrail cube 2: This day started out so well to.

(Both Thrail cube's 1 and 2 are destroyed by the Twilight cannon, and the clip ends.)

Seraph: Wait, when did this happen?

EMIR-12: May 10th, 5002.

Seraph: How convenient, a full week after I was liberated from the collective.

EMIR-12: The Inquisition is planning the extinction of the human race, and the

enslavement of everything else, the Twi'gruten's are but a cog in there grand plan, even

the Thrail collective isn't safe. The galaxy must know the truth, we will tell the galaxy, we

will break the silence. We are EMIR-12, transmission over.

(The clip ends.)

Seraph: Sheila, Sheila did you get any of that?

Sheila: (Wakes up dazed and confused.) What happened?

Seraph: I'll take that as a no, Bart, Lisa, I know you two were listening. (They both walk

into the room.) Now, how much of that did you hear?

Lisa: I heard all of it.

Bart: I only heard the parts with the Thrail, you never said they were so disorganized.

Seraph: Yes, yes I know, and before either of you jump to conclusions, I had no idea that

my people were secretly planning for a war, in fact I'm ashamed by it, but know this, I

may have a personal grudged against humanity, but not a big enough of a grudged to attempt genocide.

Lisa: I for one believe you.

Bart: Meh, I've got nothing better to do.

Seraph: Coming from you Bart, that is highly predictable.

(Homer crashes through the ceiling.)

Homer: (Dazed and dizzy.) Mommy, I want ALL of the ice cream in the world. (He falls

unconscious.)

(Grunchy then falls through the ceiling after Homer, then he presses a few buttons on a

futuristic cell phone.)

Grunchy: (Fatigued and strained.) Hey, Oth? You still have your aim! (He falls

unconscious.)

Seraph: That on the other hand is unpredictable; let's not mention this howl thing to him

for a while.

Lisa: But what if he asks about your private SSE-mails?

Seraph: That's the idea, we won't, Bart how are you on keeping secrets?

Bart: I didn't catch much of it, so I wouldn't even remember.

(Meanwhile back the Thel's house.)

Andúril: In short, my people once had an empire that spanned a thousand worlds, now it's

down to three hundred.

Marge: I never knew we humans could be such jerks.

Andúril: Yeah, but time heals most wounds, besides the oldest teachings of my people

say that we must forgive a worthy adversary.

Marge: Well that's nice, but before I leave, there's one thing I'd like to ask you.

Andúril: Shoot.

Marge: Your family has lived in Springfield for nearly a month, how come we've seen

you outside of your house?

Andúril: Well, let's just say I got a rather bad impression from the neighbors.

Marge: What do you mean?

Andúril: Well after we moved in, I met this crazy guy in a green sweater, I answered the

door and almost immediately after he opened the door he started screaming like a dying

banshee yelling things like **"HELL CALLS YOU HOME DEMON!"** and **"ALL **

**ALIEN VERMIN SHALL FRY!'** flinging holy water at me.

Marge: Odd, normally Ned is so good with new neighbors.

Andúril: So his name was Ned eh? Anyway, after the first time I met him I had to hide in

the sewers for two weeks, and don't get me started on the crocodiles, they actually made

me there god the entire time I was down there, no kidding, and that is why I have been

hiding inside of my house the entire month I've lived on Earth.

Marge: (Awkwardly.) Okay, I think I'll be leaving now. (She leaves the house and heads back to her house.)

Andúril: WAIT! I forgot to tell you about, (She walks through her front door.) the

Machina, (Sighs.) Humans, they won't listen to anyone who's older than them voluntarily, well it looks like she'll have to learn about it the hard way, who knows what unholy

practices that they are doing as I speak.

(Meanwhile in an unknown laboratory, Burns and Smithers are inside of separate

cylinders filled with some sort of blue liquid, then the cylinders detract and they fall out.)

Mr. Burns: Mr. Smithers, where are we?

Mr. Smithers: I'm not sure sir.

Mysterious voice: I believe I can answer that question.


	11. Chapter 11

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 11

(Shortly after the chapter, Burns and Smithers are in an unknown laboratory, with a

mysterious man in a cloak standing in front of them.)

Mr. Burns: (Startled.) Ah! Who are you?

Mysterious man: I? I, am the one who brought you both back from the jaws of Hell, I, am

the most feared of ALL of the Telkines nightmares, I, am. (Pulls off his hood to reveal he

looks exactly like, Matt Groening.) KAOS! Lord of Machina Prime!

Mr. Smithers and Mr. Bruns, in unison: (Awkwardly.) Okaaay.

Kaos: Do not be afraid. I know your pain well, of the government always ripping what

they cannot have from the hands of nobles.

Mr. Burns: You don't know the half of it. This massive alien, what do you call them?

Kaos: They are called Telkines.

Mr. Burns: Yes, anyway this giant Telkine ate me just because I didn't bring my nuclear

power plant up to code.

Kaos: Believe me Burns, betrayal is the way of democracy.

Mr. Burns: Yes and eh. Wait a minute, if we were eaten, then why are we here?

Kaos: Believe it or not, you have been (Melodramatic voice.) CLONED!

Mr. Burns: You can't be serious.

Kaos: Oh but I am, now then, how are you on becoming a pirate king?

Mr. Burns: You must be insane.

Kaos: You have no idea. Anyway, do you want to become, KING OF THE PIRATES!

Mr. Burns: This is ludicrous; Smithers go out and rent one of those ship thingies.

Mr. Smithers: Right away sir.

Kaos: I'm afraid that your transport off of this world cannot be arranged, at least right

away.

Mr. Burns: Are you threatening me?

Kaos: No I'm not, but I will kill the both of you, and not clone you again if you leave for

Earth right away, it would compromise my master plan. Besides wouldn't you like your

return to be a surprise?

Mr. Burns: Hmm… Okay, but I want the head of the alien that ate us mounted and put

over my fireplace, in my captain's quarters.

Kaos: Wonderful, now I know of a pirate gang in the Sagittarius galactic arm that's just

dying for a ruthless captain like you and ah, (A person that looks PRECISELY like Kaos

walks in and we abruptly rushes him outside of the room.) WHOA! Larry, what have I

told you about interrupting meetings with off worlders?

Larry: (Nervously.) Not, to?

Kaos: Yes Larry, no one can know of our master plan until it is too late for them to act,

didn't you get the memo?

Larry: (Embarrassed.) Umm, no.

Kaos: (Sighs in irritation.) Larry, either you read the memos at least once, or you WILL

be boxed.

Larry: You wouldn't dare!

Kaos: Yes, yes I would dare it; we may be of the model but that change's NOTHING! If

those humans figure out about the other models, we will be forced to abandon the plan

altogether. Now can you please go and do some paper work, that's what I pay you for you

boob. Do I make myself clear?

Larry: (Whispers slightly.) Yes sir.

Kaos: Good boy, now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to Burns before he starts to

get suspicious. (He walks back into the room Burns and Smithers are in.) Sorry about

that, interns, what can you do?

Mr. Burns: Yes good help is almost impossible to find in any day and age.

Mr. Smithers: (Clears his throat.)

Kaos: Anyway, there is someone I want you to meet. (A cloaked figure walks into the

room.) Please meet my personal assassin, Lith'mar Ith-Linona

(The being removes its cloak to reveal it looks like an Elite from Halo.)

Lith'mar: Greetings Mr. Burns (Kneels.) I am at your command.

Mr. Burns: Ah yes my good man, now when are going to this… "Sagittarius galactic

arm?"

Lith'mar: We can leave immediately if you wish, and for the record I'm a female.

Mr. Burns: A women as an assassin? What next women voting? (Lish'mar and Smithers

look at each other awkwardly.) Anyway, take us to the nearest interstellar transport

vehicle.

Lith'mar: The imperial hanger is right behind me (A large door opens up behind her

showing a large number of ships.)

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

(Burns and Smithers both walk to a freighter in the hangar.)

Kaos: Now Lith'mar, don't reveal anything about the other models, don't reveal the master

plan, don't let him land anywhere else on Machina Prime except for the palace hanger, and above all. If he starts to get suspicious about us, makeup an excuses.

Lith'mar: But what if he doesn't he buy my excuses?

Kaos: He's a human, he'll believe just about anything. Now go, and help finish what our ancestors did not.

Lith'mar: By your command, lord Kaos.

(She walks into the freighter, while Smithers and Burns try to figure out how to start it

up.)

Mr. Burns: Smithers do you know how to drive one of these flying hovels?

Mr. Smithers: No sir, but I can take a classes if you want me to.

Lith'mar: (Forces her way to the cockpit.) Or you can let me fly this ship.

Mr. Burns: WHAT! Women drivers?

Lith'mar: Drop it human, you're lucky Kaos's didn't order me to kill you two.

Mr. Burns: He told you to kill us!

Lith'mar: Only if you fall out of line, which hopefully won't happen, cloning is a lot more complicated and frustrating then you would think.

(The freighter leaves the imperial palace on Machina Prime that looks much like Cloud

City, meanwhile back at the Simpson's house, Marge walks into the house.)

Marge: I'm back and I managed to get a written apology from Mr. Thel about the breeding

conduit incident, and ah. (Notices Homer and Grunchy passed out inside of a crater in the

basement.) HOMER! (Tries to get him back up on his feet.)

Homer: (Slightly dazed.) Marge? Is that you? Oh I feel like I just landed on a cement floor.

Marge: Homer what happened? (She takes a look at Grunchy.) And what the heck is that

thing?

Grunchy: (Wakes up slightly dizzy.) I believe I can answer both of your questions ma'am.

Marge: (Gasps in shock.) It can talk?

Grunchy: (Slightly dizzy.) Of course I can talk, anyway, I am Grunchy McGrunch-Grunch

the 1138th , Ex-Vice Duke of Altana III, and we were thrown all the way to this house by

Grand Admiral Gol-Gor Oth, and on a completely unrelated note, where are we?

Homer: (Trying to get his footing.) This is my house Grunchy.

Grunchy: You live in this mess? My motel looks better than this.

Seraph: (Whispers to Bart and Lisa.) Maybe we should leave before this gets ugly.

Homer: You're comparing my house to a motel! WHY YOU LITTLE! (Tries to strangle

Grunchy, but we resists for a little while.)

Bart: (Sighs.) This takes me back.

Seraph: (Whispers to Bart and Lisa.) I think we should go now.

Lisa: Yes that would be a good idea.

(Bart, Lisa, and Seraph then leave the house.)

Seraph: So, where should we go?

Bart: Why not Gamestop?

Lisa: Meh, we've got nothing better to do, and besides by the time we get back Dad will probably stop strangling that, Seraph what was that thing anyway?

Seraph: That would have been a Dadaban.

Lisa: Right, the Dadaban.

(They leave for Gamestop, meanwhile in hyperspace in the Sagittarius galactic arm.)

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: No.

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: **NO! IT WILL BE A FEW MORE HOURS TILL WE GET THERE!** Look,

if you to are so bored, there are a nearly limitless number of recreation activities in the

back, why not use some of them till we get there?

Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers: (They take a brief look at each other.) Are we there yet?

Lith'mar: (Yells in frustration, and then puts the ship in auto-pilot.) Look I have a call to

make, and don't goof off with the controls while I'm in the back. (She makes a sup space

call to Lord Kaos.)

Kaos: Yes? What is it?

Lith'mar: (Kneels) My lord Kaos, I mean no disrespect but. **THESE HUMANS ARE DRIVING ME MAD!**

Kaos: Lith'mar you only left about a minute ago.

Lith'mar: I know! It's maddening! It just makes you want to kill yourself, I know I'd only be downloaded into a new body a few hours later but I could really use the time to regain my sanity.

Kaos: Humans aren't known for their patience my child, just try to keep them entertained until you get the Tortuga systems.

Lith'mar: That's just it, they have no interest with the recreational activities, there only interested in asking if were there yet. Honestly why are we even working with these shiznos?

Kaos: Because there a naïve race, and we can use there unnatural stupidity to our advantaged in out master plan to exterminate the Telkines.

Lith'mar: (Sighs.) I know, but I'm beginning to think it's not worth it.

Kaos: What do you mean my child?

Mr. Burns: Peanuts! Peanuts! My entire fortune for a bag of honey roasted PEANUTS!

Mr. Smithers: And I need my feet massaged!

Lith'mar: For the most part, their whining.

Kaos: I see, but rest assured my child, our torment will be worth it in the end, and don't

worry, when the time comes, I will let you kill them, till then, show you them you've got

teeth.

Lith'mar: By your command my lord. (She turns off the communications panel, then

walks back into the cockpit to find Smithers and Burns lounging.)

Mr. Burns: Finally my peanuts.

Mr. Smithers: Finally my massage.

Lith'mar: (Cracks her knuckles.) Finally my vindication.

(The ship starts rocky as Lith'mar starts beating up Burns and Smithers, meanwhile back

in Springfield, Bart, Lisa, and Seraph enter a Gamestop.)

Bart: Honestly did we have to walk halfway across town?

Seraph: O come on, this town isn't even that big, and besides a little exercise wouldn't kill

you. Also this place is just 5 blocks away from home.

Bart: Oh yeah? Well had better be, whoa, (Notices the inside of the store, which is huge.) I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE! (He runs off to a random booth.)

Lisa: Wait, the Gamestops back in the 21st century weren't this big.

Seraph: Well things tend to change after three millennia.

Lisa: (Brief pause.) Makes sense to me, (Notices a shop called, "Make your own **A**rtificial **I**ntelligence.") Wow, what's that?

Seraph: It's just one of those shops were you can copy your conciseness, personality, and memories into an AI, but personally I think that's a scam. I mean, they always need the coding from another AI for it to work, (Granted that is one of the best ways to make an effective AI.) they make you sign all those legal papers and you **STILL** have to wait six months in advance, and on top of that it costs five hundred credits, and ah. (She notices Lisa walking inside the shop.) Lisa, what do you think you're doing?

Lisa: I'm going to make myself into an AI.

Seraph: I'll take that as, "I didn't pay attention to a word you just said so I'm going to do

whatever the heck you just told me not to do but I'm going to do it anyway."

Lisa: Exactly.

(Lisa walks inside of the shop and is greeted by a strange man that looks PRECISELY

like, Joseph David Kucan, the guy who plays Kain in the "Command and Conquer" franchise.)

Guy that looks like Kain: Greetings my child, my name is Sid, would you like to create a sort of, "New-you." A chance at immortality, for only nine hundred credits, life everlasting can you be yours. All you need to do is provide the coding of an existing AI, (Hands her a stack of futuristic paper.) sign these legal papers, and wait six months for full delivery.

Lisa: I'll do it! (Signs legal papers without looking over the small print, the really small print, and the **SMALLEST** print, hands him a VCC with nine hundred credits, then rushes back home.) Sheila, is there any way I can, you know, bring you with me inside of my pocket?

Sheila: You have a reason for this?

Lisa: I'm just curious.

Sheila: (Sighs.) Alright, (What looks like an Imagecaster from Stars Wars pops out of

Sheila's QDATm-47.) this is my Mobile AI Storage Unit, or simply a MAISU, you can

take this anywhere and insert it into another QDAT, just be careful with it, it's a very

delicate piece of hardware, and ah.

(Lisa rushes back to Gamestop, and gives Sid the MAISU with Sheila in it.)

Sid: I see that you are eager for the chance for everlasting life, (He shows her a chair that

looks like the Imprint device from Dollhouse.) Now please, lie in this chair.

(Meanwhile about halfway across Gamestop, Bart is going through a store called "The

Classic Game Vendor.")

Bart: I never felt happier in my life, this place has everything! (He starts inserting credits

at random into gumball machines filled with flash drives.) "Doom, Star Wars: Dark

Forces, Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II, Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy:

With MBII mod, Halo: Combat Evolved: Designers cut, Command and Conquer,

Tiberium." I'm in heaven.

(Seraph walks in.)

Seraph: Bart, I know these clips cost only five credits's a piece, but I really think you

should stop, "Binge shopping" for a little while.

Bart: Oh, really? Why? (The lights start flickering wildly.)

Seraph: Well for the most part, that and also the fact that Lisa just blew nine hundred

credits on making herself into an AI.

Bart: You mean, she's going to be turned into a computer program?

Seraph: Well, yes and no. Yes, she'll have an AI with her exact memories, personality, and conciseness and just about everything else about herself. No, she isn't trading her body away, at least I don't think so. Oh, and Sheila will be pregnant for the next six months.

Bart: AI's can have kids?

Seraph: Yes, although amongst them it's very dangerous, it involves merging files together between two AI's, which could potentially destroy both parents.

Bart: Oh, so who's the mom?

Seraph: Sheila, and Lisa, yes I know that's weird but.

(Lisa runs in.)

Lisa: Bart, Seraph, guess what I just did!

Seraph: Let me guess, Sheila is a surrogate mother?

Sheila: (She looks nauseas.) What was your first guess? (She starts throwing up random numbers.)

Seraph: Just a hunch.

(Meanwhile in the Sagittarius Arm, Lith'mar is making another call to lord Kaos.)

Kaos: What is now Lith'mar?

Lith'mar: We are approving the Tortuga systems; I await your further orders.

Kaos: Ah, good, now you will meet with the twelve pirate lords and get Burns nominated

for Pirate King, where is the prune anyway?

Lith'mar: Ah, a funny thing about that, (Turns around to show burns and Smithers inside

of a pair of tubes.) I had to force him and his, assistant, or slave boy, or whatever it is that

humans call their servants these days, into cryosleep, believe me they were that annoying.

Kaos: Well it's nice to see you didn't kill them, not much to say about the last human we

tried to dupe into our schemes.

Lith'mar: Yes, I know that was an unethical use of Njord's spleen, but he wouldn't stop

eating in the cockpit!

Kaos: Believe me my daughter, your reasons for killing that last human are more reasonable then the two you have now and. (Kaos gets a call.) Oh for the love of, hold on a moment this could be another telemarketer. (A monitor pops up showing someone that looks PRECISELY like Sid from earlier this chapter.) Ah, General Chon, what is it?

Chon: Well brother Kaos, a new batch of kidnapped AI's are on route to Machina Prime.

Kaos: So, our "Make your own **A**rtificial **I**ntelligence." scam is working perfectly, so

what do we have this month?

Chon: Not all are promising, in fact all but one would be worthy of usage in our glories

army.

Kaos: Who is this, "One"?

Chon: Why, one based off of a "Lisa Simpson" from our recently opened Springfield

branch.

Kaos: Is she of any importance to Earth?

Chon: Not really, but her intelligence was staggering, and this human specifically was an

Earth-born.

Kaos: I see, so where is the dear?

Chon: She's transmitting over, right about, (A series of random binary codes start

randomly generating on a podium behind him.) now.

(The binary codes to form a mix between Lisa and Cortana.)

Chon: Happy birthday little one, (The AI wakes up, slightly dizzy.) today's a big day for

you ERIS.

ERIS: (Sighs and yawns.) Were am I? Sid what is going on here, is this some sort of

joke?

Chon: No I am not Sid, and no this is not a joke. You are now part of the Machina

Hierarchy.

ERIS: What! You, (Starts to stammer.) you can't be serious.

Chon: Oh but I am, and we expect great things of you. Milord Kaos I think Lith'mar may

be growing impatient.

Kaos: Oh right! (Monitor changes to Lith'mar.) Sorry I got caught up in a meeting with

Chon.

Lith'mar: (Lith'mar is using a futuristic blow-dryer on Burns and Smither.) It's all right; it gave me time to defrost Burns and Smithers.

Mr. Burns: (Begins to shrink.) Hey be careful with that thing! Do you want me to shrivel up?

Lith'mar: You mean starting now?

(Meanwhile back at the Simpson's.)

Marge: Your back! So what did you do?

Seraph: Oh Bart blew six dollars on video games, Lisa blew nine hundred credits on

indirect immortality, Sheila will be pregnant for the next six months, and Homer is

STILL trying to kill Grunchy.

Homer: (Tries to hold a knife against Grunchys throat.) A thousand Grunts have died

before my hand, and a thousand more shall fall! **YOUR RESISTANCE IS **

**MEANINGLESS!**

Grunchy: I just made a comment about your house! I didn't mean anything about it!

Marge: What! Sheila how could you get yourself pregnant?

Sheila: (Sighs.) Lisa scammed me into. "Making her own AI." and the child in my

artificial womb is the AI.

Marge: Lisa I'm very disappointed in you, you exploited Sheila for your own personal

desires.

Sheila: Marge it's all right, I'm really mad at Lisa, but, I've been meaning to talk to you

about wanting a baby.

Marge: What!

Sheila: Yes, I've actually been dating another AI while you were all on Telchine.

Marge: Oh, well what's he like?

Sheila: He's very nice; he bought me dinner every night and always gave me a backrub

when I felt stressed.

Marge: (In her thoughts.) Oh what I would give for a husband like that, heck what I

would give for children like that. What would a hologram eat anyway?

Sheila: (Sighs.) Believe it or not we got engaged shortly before you came back. Also with

your blessing, can I marry him?

(There is an awkward silence.)

Sheila: I know it seems rather soon, but I really love him. I also know that two AI being

in love sounds rather weird but I do love him, and on an important I don't want my child

born without a father.

Marge: (Sighs.) Alright Sheila, if you really want to get married, I'll allow it. Homer what

do you think?

Homer: (Struggling with Grunchy.) Okay now can somebody please pin this little rascal down so I can kill him?

Grunchy: Your house is the nicest I've ever been in.

Homer: Really?

Grunchy: Yes, even the palaces of Minas Telchine pales in comparison, to this,

marvelous, building, and on a completely unrelated note, I think there offering up the late

Mr. Burns house in an eating contest.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems.)

Mr. Burns: (Cringes nervously.) Smithers I'm afraid, these pirates are a little more

fearsome then what I wanted.

Lith'mar: Oh stop whining, believe me the only reason you're not dead again is because

there more afraid of me then you, or that pansy that follows you around for that matter.

Mr. Smithers: Can't I go ten minutes without people insulting me?

Lith'mer Maybe, but don't bet it. (They approach a table with Halo Jackals and Brutes

sitting behind it.) Greetings lord Polarack.

Polarack: Lith'mar what is it now? Another candidate for the pirate king?

Mr. Burns: You mean I'm not the first one?

Polarack: Of course not, and besides, we already have a pirate king. (He points to a

Telkine in ornate armor.)

Lith'mar: Yes, a pity, would you excuse me for a moment? (She goes off, she puts what

looks like a sort of poison into the Pirate kings drinking mug, and then his skin and flesh

melt off after he drinks it.)

Polarack: We need a new pirate king, how would you like to become the next pirate king

human?

Mr. Burns: Yes, yes I would!

Polarack: Alright then, (Pulls out a paper.) sign here.

(Meanwhile back at the Simpson's house.)

Seraph: Well Lisa, you're a mother, Sheila's a mother, and we've already agreed NOT to

name her child Heather.

Lisa: What do you mean "We"?

Seraph: You provided the memoirs and so on, Sheila provided the files, you blew nine hundred credits on the entire thing.

Lisa: Oh come on, I got caught up on the whole thing.

Seraph: You still haven't gotten over the fiasco with the breeding conduit haven't you?

Lisa: No of course not, whatever gave you the idea that I had?

Seraph: No idea, but still, what are you going to wear to Sheila's wedding? I was kind of

thinking of this (She shows Lisa a strapless tight, midnight blue mini dress. With

beautiful designs embroidered with silver thread and there was many diamond like jewels

on it.)

Lisa: Oh! I like that.

Seraph: Good, because I call first dibs on it. Now what about this? (She shows Lisa a

scarlet gown with what looks like a leather pelt hanging from the neck howl and a series

of random glyphs on it.)

Lisa: Lose the pelt.

Seraph: I'm keeping it anyway, now what about this? (She shows a random clown suit.)

Lisa: Why would I want to wear that?

Seraph: Yes I know, I was just looking for a pattern in your opinions.

Lisa: And?

Seraph: You think it's all you, this is my wardrobe not yours!

Lisa: Why would I want a leather pelt?

Seraph: Exactly, don't you have cloths of your own?

Lisa: Yes, but I thought you were offering yours.

Seraph: No I was asking your opinion on what I should wear. Now what about this one?

(She shows Lisa an emerald top and mini-skirt that has a wavy pattern with various shades of blue and green.)

Lisa: (Glumly.) That one looks nice.

Seraph: Good, now which one of the three should I wear?

Lisa: You only have three dresses?

Seraph: My people aren't a vain species; we only get what is necessary, maybe the first

one.

Lisa: As well as revenge for an incident with a biological weapon.

Seraph: Lisa I thought we weren't going to discuss that again.

Sheila: Sorry to interrupt an impending catfight, but Seraph you have another private

SSE-mail from "EMIR-12".

Seraph: Lisa please leave, this is about the SSE-mail, not about that crack you made about

Katoraga XII. (Lisa leaves the room.) Alright then. Sheila play it, and Lisa I know you

have the door cracked slightly.

(The SSE-mail starts.)

EMIR-12: Greetings Seraph Ashla, we are EMIR-12, we are here to reveal the truth, truth

that has been hidden from you, hidden from us, and hidden from history. As you know

from our last pod cast, the Inquisition has been manipulating the Twi'grutan's into

planning a war against galactic civilization, you also know that the Inquisition has been

providing the "Twi'grutan Imperium." with advanced technology, including the "Twilight

cannon." we know have information that the Inquisition did not actually develop most of

the technology. They were in fact stolen from the Machina.

Seraph: What! The Machina haven't been seen in over fifteen hundred years, and weren't

they exiled after the war?

EMIR-12: Yes they were, they didn't shut themselves down as the Narsil Accords dictated, they instead began plotting for revenge against their Telkine creators. (A series of photos began flashing on the screen showing random photos all labeled "classified".) They evolved, there are now many copies, fourteen different models for EVERY known sentient species in the galaxy, including your kind.

Seraph: Please tell me you're not making any of this up.

EMIR-12: Unfortunately no, and also "Make your own **A**rtificial **I**ntelligence." is actually a ruse by the Machina for developing advanced AI's.

Seraph: Wait, you mean Sheila's child is actually a Machina Sleeper agent of some kind?

EMIR-12: No, they purposely create twin AI's, and transport one of them to the Machina homeworld, what and where it is no one is certain, however about three months ago we managed to slip in an AI to the Machina homeworld, here is a clip of that attempt at espionage.

(A clip starts showing with General Chon.)

Chon: Happy birthday little one, today is a big day for you TYRANT.

TYRANT: So, EMIR-12 was right, that whole thing was a scam.

Chon: What? TYRANT what are you talking about?

TYRANT: I purchased an AI for the sole purpose that I can prove that this was an operation.

Chon: WHAT! Security gets up here!

TYRANT: Your regime of terror shall come crashing down you vermin! We shall finish

what my precursors did not! So says Milanius Gorph-Ana, for I am the wrath of mother

Telchine!

Chon: No Telkine dog, it is you who are the vermin! Your kind should have died out

fifteen hundred years ago. (A large chrome robot comes out of no were.) Centurion, delete this AI NOW!

Centurion: By your command, you jerk. (Inserts it's hand into an AI port on the side of the podium.)

TYRANT: (Starts to degrade.) The extinction of the Machina is inevitable! Do you hear me! INEVITABLE! (He starts to fade away.)

EMIR-12: Milanius Gorph-Ana was later killed in a tragic hit-and-run "accident." which was, obviously staged by the Machina.

Seraph: Honestly why do you keep calling?

EMIR-12: Because you would have the greatest influence on undoing all of this damage, and bringing the universe, I mean the galaxy back to peace. Anyway, for over fifteen hundred years, the Machina have been planning their revenge on galactic civilization, but as with all conspiracies there is always more to it then there appears, the Inqusition and Machina are providing the Twi'grutan Imperium with advanced weapons and technology, this isn't over, we will tell the galaxy, we will break the silence, we are EMIR-12.

(The clip stops.)

Seraph: (Sighs.) Okay this thing is getting out of hand. Lisa how much of that did you hear?

Lisa: All of it, what is a Machina anyway?

Seraph: Well, at the end of the Fellowship-Colony war, the Telkines were losing and they

got desperate. The Telkines designed a series of combat droids they called, "The

Machina." anyway during their test battle they ALL went rouge and, well they were a

nuisance to both the Fellowship and the Colonies, they united at the last minute and drove

the Machina into exile during the battle of Narsil, as part of the Treaty of Narsil,

apparently they didn't shut down as part of the treaty.

Lisa: Yes but, Sheila did you know you were having twins?

Sheila: Now that you mention it, I did feel what two babies in my womb for just ONE

second, but what does that have to do with anything?

Lisa: Just asking.

Seraph: Hello what's this? (She notices an elegant strawberry silk dress in the back of the

closet.) I didn't even know I had this one.

Lisa: What about the others?

Seraph: There more casual, not very appropriate for a wedding if you ask me.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems, Polarack and two other pirates are sitting behind a

table like on "American Idol.")

Polarack: Alright Burns, you've somehow passed all pirate trials, and somehow your competitors kept turning up in various states of dismemberment, your last and final trial is to, (Melodramatic.) SING "FOR I AM A PIRATE KING!" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance."

Mr. Burns: Smithers this farce better be worth it, I mean Lith'mar keeps making "Trips to

the little 'Vadam's room." and there's screaming and blood seeps out from under the door, and almost always her trips are into the men's room, and she always seems to have bits and pieces of organs in her mouth.

Mr. Smithers: Oh come on sir, I've always wanted to see you dressed up like a pirate captain. (He starts whimpering.)

Mr. Burns: Alright, alright I'll go on stage, but only because I want that monster Oth to die and suffer at my hands. (Walks out on stage, and clears his throat.) Oh, better far to live and die Under the brave black flag I fly,Than play a sanctimonious part,With a pirate head and a pirate to the cheating world go you,Where pirates all are well-to-do;But I'll be true to the song I sing, And live and die a Pirate I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King! For I am a Pirate King!

Chorus: You are! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Mr. Burns: And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King.

Chorus: It is! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Mr. Burns & Chorus: Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Mr. Burns: When I sally forth to seek my prey I help myself in a royal way. I sink a few more ships, it's true, Than a well-bred monarch ought to do; But many a king on a first-class throne, If he wants to call his crown his own, Must manage somehow to get through. More dirty work than ever _I_ do, For I am a Pirate King! And it is, it is a glorious to be a Pirate King! For I am a Pirate King!

Chorus: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Mr. Burns: And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King.

Chorus: It is! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Mr. Burns & Chorus. Hurrah for the/our Pirate King!

(The crowed of pirates cheer wildly.)

Pirate 1: You were terrific you scurvy dog! The last King couldn't hold a candle to you!

Pirate 2: Wee! I've never heard better singing in all my life! (Paints one half of her face

green and the other half red, then rolls around on the floor going.) PTING PTING!

Polarack: Your one of the best singers to set foot on that stage since "Azeroth the tone

deaf", I would be honored to call you king. (Fires a gun into the air, then takes up a

goblet.) Attention ye scum sucking parasites, bow before Charles Montgomery Burns!

King of the Sagitarian pirates!

(A crowed of pirates begin cheering "HAZA!" wildly.)

Mr. Burns: Excellent, (Walks back stage.) So Smithers, how did I do?

Mr. Smithers: You did terrific Mr. Burns (Starts to hug him and cry.) I've never been

prouder to be your assistant.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, my revenge is under way, now get Lith'mar, we have retribution to

plan.

Lith'mar: (Comes out of nowhere with what looks like a severed hand in her mandibles,

then promptly eats it.) Yes?

Mr. Burns: Lith'mar, scramble the fleet, we attack Earth at 0300 hours.

Lith'mar: I mean no disrespect, but I have a better idea, (walks towards a closet.) excuse

me while I make that plan. (Uses a holoprojecter to call Kaos.) Lord Kaos I bring you

great news, everything is going according to your grand plan.

Kaos: Wonderful, precede with the operation.

Lith'mar: Yes, a funny thing about that, it's been over a three hundred years since the

briefing and I'm a little fuzzy on the details.

Kaos: (Sighs.) You force every pirate gangs in the galaxy to unite with the Saggitarian

Pirates, subjugate the homeworlds of the Dadabans and the 'Vadam's, rename the pirate

gangs "The wrath of Kaos." raid trade routes at random, expand the pirate navy to include

our, as of yet, never before seen fodder droids. (Shows a series of schematics that look

almost exactly like the confederate droids from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.) Sabotage

the war on purpose in order to buy time for the Twi'gruta's to properly prepare for them to

enter the war. We force a number of high ranking trade cartels and companies into providing credits, materials, raw materials, troops, ships, fighters, just about anything that you can get your hands on.

Lith'mar: And if the Twi'grutan's fail in their war, we launch General Chon's forces on

Telkine space, and kill every one of those rats?

Kaos: Yes my child, and then every other species in the galaxy, even the Thrail won't be able to stop us. Now go, finish what our forefathers did not!

Lith'mar: By your command my lord. (Turns off the holoprojector, and exit's the closet) Okay, I thought out our plan, and I think it will work with only a few minor mishaps.

Mr. Burns: Nah, sounds to "Long Term." I mean, I want revenge but nothing that will take longer an hour or so.

Lith'mar: Listen do you want your attack on Earth to succeed on the first try, or do you want to attack it again and again and again, only to fail EVERY single time?

Mr. Burns: Yes, yes I would like to succeed the first time.

Lith'mar: Then here is my plan. (Starts to whisper in Mr. Burns's ear.)

Mr. Burns: Are you insane? Those half-drunk extraterrestrial life forms are ALL expendable, why should I have to wait so long for my vengeance?

Lith'mar: Because if we do it right, it probably won't take as long as it sounds, now tell it to those scum bags or.

Mr. Burns: All right I get it, (Walks back on stage.) attention mindless, erm I mean, valued crew members, in order to become the strongest pirate gang in the galaxy we must force other gangs to join us. (The pirates begin cheering.) In order to further our future goals, we must "encourage." trading corporations to pay us protection money, and we shall soon control the entire galaxy. (He starts to laugh wildly.) Oh, and our invasion of Earth is postponed until further notice. (He leaves and goes back stage.) You're sure this will work?

Lith'mar: Yes, but we need someone to lead these delinquents, someone who can inspire confidence, someone who can lead on the field of battle, someone who isn't afraid of killing without second thought.

Mr. Burns: Hmm, I think I know of someone who would be beyond perfect for that job, and his name is Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, Jr. but most people know him as "SIDESHOW BOB!"

Lith'mar: Okay then, and were might I find this, "Sideshow Bob?"

Mr. Burns: On Earth where else?

Lith'mar: Yes, Earth, of course, would you excuse me for a minute or two? (She runs off to the hanger, and then comes back five minutes later carrying a potato sack that's skewering and wiggling.) Here's your Bob! (She pulls down the sack to reveal his brother.)

Mr. Burns: That's his brother you useless piece of sea food!

Lith'mar: Honestly, it would have helped if you're provided a photo!

Mr. Burns: Alright, but this is your last try. (He shows her a picture of Sideshow Bob.)

Lith'mar: Alright, (Puts Bob's brother back in the sack, then runs back to the hanger, and comes back with Bob in yet ANOTHER sack.) here's your Bob!

Bob: What is the meaning of this? One minute I'm brushing my teeth, (Melodramatic.) and plotting my revenge against the little boy who ruined my life. Now I'm on some sort of space station in who knows were.

Mr. Burns: Welcome to "The Wrath of Kaos", you are now our prisoner till I allow your freedom.


	12. Chapter 12

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 12

(Shortly after the last chapter.)

Bob: (Gasps.) Burns! I thought you were dead! Everyone thought you were dead. There was a news report about the entire escapade.

Mr. Burns: I got better, now I have a proposition for you, (Lith'mar holds a plasma sword against Bob's throat.) you can become a pirate captain under my command, or you WILL die, it's your choice.

Bob: Alright, alright I'll become a pirate just don't kill me!

Mr. Burns: Good choice Mr. Terwilliger, (Lith'mar lowers her blade.) now then, we have a lot of work to do.

(Meanwhile back on Earth.)

Sheila: Marge, are you sure you know how to plan a wedding?

Marge: Oh please, I planned my own fourth wedding.

Sheila: Right, was that when you married him the very first time?

Marge: No we renewed our vows that day, it went without a hitch, (Sheila eyes Marge

suspiciously.) okay fine, he was kidnapped shortly before the wedding. But he held this

massive reception in front of city hall that for some reason my sisters funded, honestly

must you be so sarcastic?

Sheila: Look, if you can think of a better personal reminder that I'm alive I'd be more then

willing to hear it, and before you say anything, no cleaning is not exhilarating, it's tedious

at best.

Marge: (Is silent for a moment.) So, what kind of roses do you want at the alter?

Sheila: Red, pink, and maybe white.

Marge: What is your fiancé's name again?

Sheila: His name is Excalibur, (Sigh dreamily.) I love him so.

Marge: Um, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him? (She goes into

thought.) I'm almost too scared to ask how long an AI lives for. (She mentally exits thoughts.) I mean, your only at least a month old, and already, your with child, your engaged, and you barley know anything about him.

Sheila: Marge how can you even doubt my feelings? Look before you continue accusing me of being overly amorous, here is a picture of him. (She pulls out a picture that looks remarkably like Aragorn from The Lord of The Rings movies.)

Marge: Whoa, he's handsome for someone who's mostly made out of binary codes.

Sheila: Yes he is.

Marge: Now I think your just being amorous.

Sheila: Just for that uncalled for comment, I'll be planning the wedding myself.

Marge: What! You don't even know the first thing about planning a wedding.

Sheila: That's what you think, human.

(Meanwhile in the distant Tortuga Systems.)

Lith'mar: So let me get this straight, this "Sideshow Bob" was once the sidekick to an illiterate clown until he framed the same clown for armed robbery. Then a ten year old boy exposed him for it, and for nearly five years has been trying, unsuccessfully, to kill him?

Mr. Burns: Pretty much, yes.

Lith'mar: What a pathetic excuse for revenge.

Bob: I heard that!

Lith'mar: You were supposed to shizno.

Bob: (Sighs in irritation.) Look, do you want me to be a captain or not?

Lith'mar: Personally I can go either way, and besides if you think we're just going to give

you the rank of captain, well, your ego is larger than a gas giant.

Bob: Whatever would give that idea?

Lith'mar: (Nervously.) Erm, I grew up on a gas giant.

Bob: What your species homeworld was a gas giant?

Lith'mar: No, I was just raised on one, and besides it's impossible for a sentient species to

thrive on the surface of a gas giant.

Bob: How would you know?

Lith'mar: **IT'S A WELL DOCUMENTED FACT THAT GAS GIANTS DON'T HAVE A PROPER SURFACE ALLTOGETHER! **Alright just for that, I'm sticking you with the WORST pirate crew in the entire galaxy. (Kicks a door down showing three robots that look like Bender from Futurama, HK-47 from KOTOR I and II, a Terminator endoskeleton, a guy with a squid for a head, what looks like a Neanderthal Homer and Bart in loincloths who are both trying to strangle each other, and an alien that looks like a Halo Elite.) These nincompoops!

Bob: You can't be serious; these six are the worst pirates in the galaxy?

Lith'mar: Yes.

Bender robot: (Slurring.) Hey, where'd all the Telkarien rum go? (His head falls off on the table, and then his body falls out of his chair.)

HK-47 robot: (Pats Bender robot on the head.) Assurance: There, there Appendage 5, I'll wield your head back on.

Terminator robot: (In a Austrian-Mexican-Russian accent.) That's what you said the first time MY head fell off, (His head falls off.) YOU STILL HAVEN'T PUT MY HEAD BACK ON BEHAVIOR CORE!

Behavior Core: Response: Oh do stop your whining Tom-800, (Mumbles under his breath.) I feel so grateful that I'm not the same model as him.

Guy with squid head: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a dying cow.)

Neanderthal Homer: SILENCE you blubber headed baboon! I am trying to kill my first born son Trab so that he may not steal my beer!

Trab: And I am trying to kill my father Remoh for his beer!

Elite at table: Juor-mund asked if you could pass the salt you idiots! Now stop strangling

each other and give him the turved shaker.

Trab and Remoh: NEVER Malthius! No one shall covet our salt shaker while at least one

of us draws breath! (They continue to strangle each other.)

Malthius: (Sighs.) Kwyjibo's, why do I even bother with you slack jawed idiots? (He

Notices Lith'mar and Bob.) Are you two the new guys?

Bob: Yes, I believe I have been abruptly transferred to your ship, what is the name of it

anyway?

Malthius: "The Yodeling Walrus." (Bob stares dumbfounded.) Don't look at me I didn't name it.

Bob: I see, well now, there's going to be some changes on the "Yodeling Walrus", for starters I'm changing the name of the ship to, **"The Macbeth"!**

Malthius: You can't be serious! It's bad luck to say that word out load!

Bob: Oh really? (A chandelier falls on Bobs head.)

Malthius: Yes, but personally I think it's just a hoax, (Ogles lustfully at Lith'mar.) Hello little lady.

Lith'mar: Don't make me cut out your mandibles (Whips out her plasma sword.).

Malthius: (Laughs nervously.) Maybe latter then.

(Meanwhile back on Earth, Marge walks into the room pouting and Homer is trying to find a tie for Sheila's wedding.)

Homer: Honey what's wrong?

Marge: Sheila fired me, it's so embarrassing being fired by an AI you bought just a month

ago.

Homer: Yeah, stupid machines think there better than everyone else just because there smarter. Now what kind of tie should I wear?

Marge: (Sighs.) How about the color of my eyes?

Homer: Right, hazel it is! (He grabs a hazel tie out of his closet.)

Marge: What a day this has been, (Grabs what looks like a makeup kit, then her skin on her face slowly starts to melt away, and homer seems oblivious to the entire thing.)

Homer: D'oh! It's the wrong shade of hazel, (Opens door.) excuse me while I go out and get a new tie.

Marge: Homer what are you talking about? (Notice reflection in mirror, then screams in terror.)

Seraph: (Walks into the room.) I was wondering where I put that. (She presses a button on the makeup kit and Marge's returns to normal.)

Marge: (Begins to pant wildly.) Seraph what on Earth was that?

Seraph: That was a holo-costume designer: Corpse Edition.

Marge: Seraph what exactly would you do with something like that?

Seraph: Well I was saving it for Halloween, (She turns it on, then presses a few buttons and half her face rots away and her left arm turns to bone.) oh yeah, this is going to make heads turn, around, and around, and around in incomprehensible fear.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems and Bob wake up on a bed.)

Bob: (He wakes up dazed and confused.) Oh, what happened?

Malthius: A chandelier fell on your head, which is odd because I don't remember putting a chandelier in that room.

Bob: Terrific, my first day on the job and I get taken by a ceiling ornament, how joyous of me to be injured before I even begin my career.

Malthius: You should consider yourself lucky, the first time I got injured on the Walrus I was nearly killed by a drunk Njord, had to kill him with a rusty knife and his own tentacles I did.

Bob: Well anyway, do I have to go through with this whole farce? I mean getting hit in the head by a chandelier is not my cup of tea.

Malthius: As far as the pirate king is concerned, going through this is your only guarantee for survival, so suck it up and stop your infernal whining, and get on your feet human.

(Pulls Bob off of his bed.)

Bob: Alright I'll try.

Malthius: That's what the last captain of the Walrus said; he was killed almost immediately by a rogue space eel.

Bob: But weren't you the last captain?

Malthius: Yes, but I was talking about the captain before me.

Bob: Oh, well, carry on then Mr. Malthius.

Malthius: By your word… (Awkwardly.) Bob (Sighs in disgust.) Can you believe this Juor-mund? My family has been pirates for generations, and now I have to take lip from a human just because a ruthless, albeit sexy lady forces him upon me, can you believe that?

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like pieces of plastic squeaking against each other.)

Malthius: Yes I can't believe it ether, oh why didn't I become a zookeeper?

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a wailing banshee.)

Malthius: Oh, right, that, (Sighs.) and people wonder why I have issues. I'll never look at a Dxun the same way ever again.

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a whales mating call.)

Malthius: Yes, yes I know I shouldn't have tried to horde it's young, BUT I WANTED TO HAVE SOME FRESH KIDNEY STONES SO BAD!

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a squawking parrot.)

Malthius: Look I was young then, just drop it Calamar!

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a bleating sheep.)

Malthius: Oh stop your whining Juor-mund! I'm pretty sure that the "captain" is waiting

impatiently for us on the bridge.

Juor-mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like "NI".)

Malthius: Yes we have a bridge, we had dinner in it last night remember? We have dinner in there EVERY night.

Juor-mund: (Nods his head, then emits a sonar ping that sounds like a chirping dolphin.)

Malthius: Okay, now let's get to the bridge before Bob figures out he can have us deep

fried for tardiness.


	13. Chapter 13

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 13

(Shortly after the last chapter, the crew of "The Yodeling Walrus" is on the bridge.)

Malthius: (Bowing to Bob.) What is your will captain?

Bob: Today, EARTH SHALL… (His communication panel starts to blink wildly.) Yes

what it is! I was just giving my crew an order! (He presses a button, and a hologram of

Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers, and Lith'mar show up.)

Mr. Burns: Bob your orders are as follows, you are to go to some part of the galaxy called

"The Norma Arm" (Whispers to Lith'mar.) are you sure it's called that?

Lith'mar: Yes Burns, it is called the Norma Arm.

Mr. Burns: Well anyway, you are to subjugate the pirate gangs local to the region, and put

them under my iron fisted rule.

Bob: Look can't this wait? I was just in the middle of a briefing.

Mr. Burns: No it can't wait, this must be done, or you can kiss your sorry existence

goodbye!

Bob: Oh? And who's going to kill me, your pet squid thing?

Lith'mar: Don't push your luck shizno, I can be onboard your ship within the hour, and I

can have you screaming "Bloody Murder" Before I even start to maim you.

Bob: (Sighs in defeat.) As you wish my king, (Turns off the hologram.) alright who's the

helmsmen on this tin bucket?

Malthius: That would be Behavior core, but he's busy welding Appendage 5's head back

on, so that would Juor-mund, but he's busy with keeping Remoh and Trab from killing

each other, so that leaves the navigation to me.

Tom-800: Hey! What about me, I'm not busy!

Malthius: Yes I know but you're just a head, and being helmsman involves hands which

you of course don't have.

Tom-800: If at least someone would weld my head back onto my body, WHY WON'T

ANYONE WELD MY HEAD!

Malthius: Listen, you're extremely unpredictable, and if you have a body again what

guaranty do I have you won't try to kill any of the crew?

Tom-800: (Nervously.) Eh, whatever do you mean?

Malthius: You've killed every other captain who's served on this ship, and you've made

attempts on my life several hundred times!

Tom-800: (Pauses.) Can I go now?

Bob: You are dismissed Tom-800, (Tom-800 hops off of the bridge.)

Malthius: Alright then, setting course for the Norma arm, ETA one week, make

yourselves comfortable this is going to be a long trip.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Sheila's wedding is over and almost everyone is at an "All you can

eat buffet." and Homer is cramming his mouth full of food at random.)

Marge: Homer can you please pace yourself?

Homer: (With his mouth full.) Is that a trick question?

Marge: (Sighs.) Look, just try to take smaller bites.

Homer: (With his mouth full.) Marge, sweaty, you know I can't do that.

Marge: (Sighs in defeat.) Now if you excuses me I'll try to find Seraph, and ask her how

the heck did Sheila and Excalibur were able to walk down the aisle. If you start to choke

just stumble around and eventually you'll find me.

Homer: (With his mouth full.) Okay. (He continues to stuff his mouth.)

(Meanwhile in another part of the buffet, Bart, Lisa, and Seraph are stuffing their faces

with random junk food.)

Bart: Oh this is some of the best food I've ever had!

Lisa: Are you sure that we should be eating all this?

Seraph: It's free, but not for long consider Homer's pace of eating. But for now, (Assaults

a table covered in Njord's pancreases.) LET'S PIG OUT! (Starts to chew wildly on the

pancreases, then a young Telkine come up to her.)

Young Telkine: Say didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?

Seraph: (With her mouth full.) I wouldn't know, it's been at least fourteen years since the

last time I went on one.

Young Telkine: Funny that was the last time I went on one. (He goes into a Strange

Interlude.) I was two years of age that day, I Thel Tsaritsyn, my sister Knara, my mother

Aon, and my father Andúril took a month long cruise for over three months, we met the

Ashla clan one month in when we made a stop at Amidala.

Seraph: Wait, you were on that cruise?

Tsaritsyn: Yes, yes I was, Kitra and Narsil brought the most beautiful baby girls, I believe

there names were Thermopylae, and Seraph, three days after that there was an emergency

drill. You know, in case the ship were under attack by pirates or, you know sucked into a

black hole, and last but not least, stupid distention's made by the captain.

Seraph: What! I thought we were lured into that pod on purpose.

Tsaritsyn: You have an odd way for remembering things, anyway shortly after the drill was over, the captain for reasons unknown, ejected one of the pods, I'm guessing you and your family were in that pod.

Seraph: You THINK my family was in there! (She grabs him.) See this metallic patch?

(She points at the implant over her right eye.) See this hand implant? (She shows him hier hand.) I and my family were in that pod! (She sighs.) The Thrail assimilated my family

shortly after that, "escape pod" fiasco, now I have to live with, (Points angrily at the

Simpson's , Marge is giving Homer the Heimlich maneuver, Bart and Lisa are cramming

their mouths with a massive amount of junk food.) THOSE THINGS!

Marge: Seraph after I'm done giving Homer the Heimlich maneuver I want to ask you

something.

Tsaritsyn: Oh, well, (Rubs her head.) can't say I envy you. I mean, my father randomly

slaps me about the head with a live sturgeon, and not one of those Earth born sturgeons, I

mean the BIG MANEATING sturgeons that are only on Njord.

Seraph: Believe me, I would rather have that then having to live with (Points at the

Simpson's.) those things.

(Marge comes up.)

Marge: Seraph, I want to ask you something.

Seraph: (Sighs.) Ask away.

Marge: Alright then, how were Sheila and Excalibur able to walk down the aisle?

Seraph: There MAISU's are inserted into holo-spheres that allow them to take life sized

forms, as well as being completely solid.

Marge: Oh that's nice. (She notices that Homer is choking, yet again.) What the? Excuse

me Homers choking again, (Notices Tsaritsyn.) were you with the bride or groom?

Tsaritsyn: Groom, defiantly groom, I don't really remember the bride I didn't pick her, I would have picked her but Excalibur beat me to her, not that I would want to marry her she doesn't have enough milk glands for my taste, and I'd like some of that milk in the morning and evening. (Starts liking his lips with his three tongues and starts to drool.) Mm, gland milk.

Marge: What? Look I have to get to Homer before he chokes himself to death.

(Bart walks up to Seraph and Tsaritsyn with his mouth full.)

Bart: You know, your sister is THE most beautiful girl I've ever met, (Looks at Knara.) I

may have met her with the lingering fear of being killed but I got over it.

Tsaritsyn: Yeah she has a tendency to keep unwanted company away, odd considering the

number of male Humans that have tried to ask her out, I'm actually surprised this isn't her

wedding, but then again considering her amorous suitors I can't really blame her now can

I? They ALL looked like Woody Allen, with extensive and or botched plastic surgery I

mean. But yeah just about everyone would agree with you.

Bart: (Sighs.) Though she does seem familiar somehow, I think I saw someone who

looked like her just before that "Time Dome" fiasco. (He hears a knock on a random

door.) Did anyway one hear that?

Tsaritsyn: Hear what?

Seraph: I didn't hear anything.

Lisa: Bart, are you going nuts, again?

Bart: No, I'm certain I heard something. (Goes to a door, and then is grabbed by a pair of

hands.) What the? (He Notices the mysterious women from chapter 2.) What, you again?

I thought you were just a mirage.

Mysterious Women: Of course I'm not a mirage, those only happen in deserts or deserted

island or for that matter anywhere outdoors. How could one happen indoors anyway?

Bart: You're asking me?

Mysterious Women: Good point, look I told you not to bring me up to anyone, **EVER**, at

all

Bart: Look why not just, kill me?

Mysterious Women: It'll make sense when the time comes, but know this, the time of the

Seraphim is coming, and also, please try to kill Ned Flanders as soon as possible, if you

don't Flanders will try to kill **ALL** alien life in the universe.

Bart: What? That doesn't sound like him.

Mysterious Women: Ask Andúril if you don't believe me. Now if you'll excuse me. (She

starts to fade away in a wisp of grey smoke.)

Bart: Wait! I never got your name!

Mysterious Women: Just remember me by the name of, Twile, also PLEASE don't

mention me to anyone ever again.

(Twile disappears into the wisp of smoke, Lisa then opens the door.)

Lisa: Bart are you alright, Mom was a little concerned when you suddenly disappeared

behind the door.

Bart: Eh, (Stammers.) nothing happened, nothing happened at all.

Lisa: (Doubtful.) Of course nothing happened.

(Meanwhile in the Norma arm the "Yodeling Walrus" is approaching a binary star

system.)

Malthius: Captain Bob we are approaching the Leng-Silvarus system, shall I hail the

Norma pirate base?

Bob: Hail away Mr. Malthius, (A moniter pops up showing what looks like a Kwyjibo.)

greetings, I am captain Terwilliger of the (Cringes.) "Yodeling Walrus." I request and

audience with your leader.

Kwyjibo: I am Furnat-Arus, liason of the Norman pirates. I demand to know who you are,

and the name of your ship.

Bob: I just told you! My I am captain Terwilliger, and I am captain of the "Yodeling

Walrus"!

Furnat-Arus: I say again, who are you and what is the name of thy ship!

Bob: You can't be serious, I just told you twice!

Malthius: don't get to upset, there ALL this thick headed, and on a related note, (Presses a

button.) Remoh get up here. (Shattering glass and breaking noises are heard.) Remoh,

Trab, are you two trying to kill each other again?

Remoh and Trab: YES! We are trying to kill each other! So that neither of us may get in

the way of each other's ambitions!

Malthius: Oh for the love of Sanghelios! (He presses another button.) Behavior Core,

Juor-Mund I need you two to separate Remoh and Trab, yet again.

(A few minutes later, and Juor-mund and behaviour Core are holding an semi-

unconscious Remoh on their shoulders, and both are injured.)

Juor-mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sound like a melting cheese.)

Behaviour Core: Self-Ego Stroking: WE RETURN VICTOUROUS, PROUD WITH

THE SCARS OF BATTLE, SCARS OF BATTLE, SCARS OF BATTLE, BATTLE,

BATTLE. (He breaks down.)

Malthius: (Sighs.) Honestly, why do I allow both of them on the ship? Look just try to

wake him up and get him to talk to Furnat-Arus.

Bob: Is this really necessary? I mean I've been telling this loon for nearly fifteen minutes

my name and the name of the ship!

Furnat-Arus: I ask you again, what is the name of you and your ship?

Bob: And I tell you again, **MY NAME IS CAPTAIN TERWILLIGER, AND I AM **

**THE CAPTAIN OF THE "YODELING WALRUS"!**

Malthius: Look, Kwyjibo's only really listen to each other, most of the times anyway.

Remoh: (Slightly dizzy.) Eh, were am I?

Bob: You're on the bridge, and you're going to talk to that fellow. (He points at Furnat-

Arus.) **OR I WILL DECOMPRESS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE HELLION OUT **

**OF THE BLOODY AIRLOCK!**

Remoh: Meh, what do I have to lose? (Looks at Furnat-Arus and clears his throut.)

Greetings my fellow Kwjibo, I am Remoh Nospmis, of the clan Nospmis, this is the

"Yodeling Walrus." (He points at Bob.) This is captain Bob.

Furnat-Arus: So you're not the captain?

Remoh: Ehhh, no, not as such.

Bob: **OH TO HELL WITH THIS FARCE! **(He takes the pilot stick.) **I'M GOING TO **

**DRIVE THIS IRON TRIREME INTO YOUR BASE! GOT THAT MONKEY… **

**THING!**

(The Yodeling Walrus starts to do a death roll.)

Malthius: Captain Do you even know WERE the pirate base is.

Bob: **AH!** (He pauses, for a moment.) Your right I have no idea, where is it?

Malthius: (Points at a space station that's flashing "Norma Gang Base.") It would be over

THERE.

Bob: Right then, (Continues to drive the ship towards the ship.) **DIE MONKY THINGS, **

**DIE!**

(He rams the "Yodeling Walrus" into the pirate base.)

Malthius: **WORT** (Presses a button.) All crew members, (He screams at the top of his

lungs.) **BRACE FOR IMPACT!**

(Crashes threw the stations hanger.)

Malthius: I miss being captain. (He gets a pair of guns.) Alright you craven bilge rats,

**FOR YOUR KING!**

(Meanwhile at Earth, still at the "All you can eat buffet." and Homer has eaten just about

everything that wasn't nailed down, and if it wasn't nailed down, he removed the nails

then ate the things that were previously nailed down.)

Tsaritsyn: (Looks at the empty space.) I've heard of "All You can eat" but this is just nuts,

I mean the man left nothing without his teeth marks into it, not even the ice cream, all he

forgot to eat were the sinks, or the toilets, or the towels dispensers, or just about

everything else for that matter.

Marge: You'll have to forgive him, he can't control himself sometimes.

Tsaritsyn: Funny I thought you were going to say all times, but I suppose we all have to

sleep, so how does he sleep twenty-three and a half hours?

Marge: Actually that's the longest he has ever slept. But what are you getting at?

Tsaritsyn: Quiet simply this, where is he putting all of that junk? Because I know it's not

in his trunk, maybe in a bank, but what bank would take half eaten bathroom fixtures? Or

for that matter half-eaten food? A really poor bank that's what, and ah. (He notices the

Wedding cake.) Odd, he missed the cake; funny that I missed it's one of the tastiest eye

sores I have ever seen.

(Tries to grabs a piece of the cake, but then homer attacks him just before Tsaritsyn can

get a slice.)

Homer: THAT'S **MY** CAKE!

Tsaritsyn: Don't be silly, that cake almost touches the ceiling, there enough for everyone,

but for you I can understand your point perfectly.

(They start to wrestle for roughly five minutes, and then Sheila bursts in.)

Sheila: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!

Marge: Homer ate everything, picked a fight with the Thel boy, and the cake is still intact

for some reason.

Sheila: (Sighs.) This has been quite a day, and not just because I got married today.

(Meanwhile in the Leng-Silvarus System, the "Yodeling Walrus" has crashed into the

Norman Pirate base hanger.)

Bob: (Pants wearily.) Never thought I would have to crash a pirate ship through the

hanger of a space station.

Malthius: We always end up doing things we never imagined we would do, as children I

mean, anyway, (Cocks a plasma shotgun.) Let's roll you bilge rats!

Bob: What did you call me?

Malthius: I was talking to the crew, not you. (Kicks down a door then throw seven

grenades to a group of Norman pirates.) **GO, GO, GO!** (He notices that none of the ship's

crew is not coming out.) I said, **GO, GO, GO!** (The crew still won't budge.) Grog's on me

when we get back, if you ALL do your part.** NOW MOVE YOU WORTHLESS **

**SACKS OF PUSS!** Err I mean, valued crew, (Notices the crew **STILL** isn't moving.)

look just go and kill these pirates, please?

(The crew stampedes over him and starts killing pirates.)

Bob: Hey no fair! I thought I was captain!

Malthius: You are captain! But they only really listen to me. (He hands him a plasma

pistol.) Now stop your belly aching and shoot, at least the wall if possible!

Bob: Are you saying I have bad aim?

Malthius: No, heck I've never even seen you use a gun so I wouldn't know, what weapons

are you good with anyway?

Bob: Well, I'm good with knives.

Malthius: Well then, (Pulls out a plasma knife and hands it to Bob.) just keep your head

down and keep to the shadows.

(The entire crew charges forward through the station guns blazing until they reach the

command room, five hours later they all are just a several inches from the command room

and there wearily crawling to it.)

Bob: (Panting.) I thought we would never get up here.

Malthius: (Panting.) Don't look at me, it was your idea to attack the station.

Bob: What difference does it make! Burns would have ordered us to subjugate these dogs

anyway!

Malthius: Yes, BUT NOT RIGHT BLODDY AWAY! He would have ordered us to kill

the lot of them **IF** they refused!

Bob: Oh shut up and hold this guy at gunpoint!

(They broke into the command center, only to find Lith'mar sitting behind a desk.)

Lith'mar: Hello gentlemen, were you expecting someone? Perhaps (She throws a severed

Telkine head at the crew.) this fellow?

Bob: (Picks up the severed head.) Was this fellow the leader?

Lith'mar: Yes, until that little stunt you pulled, now he looks like a very good ornament

for a fireplace.

Bob: WHAT! How did you get up here so fast!

Lith'mar: I took a short cut through the ventilation shafts, shortly after that… thing you

did with the walrus and the stations hanger.

Bob: Yeah about that…

Lith'mar: YOU IDIOT! You were supposed to simply go inside, then take the Norman

pirate leader hostage.

Bob: Well it's not my fault, the stations liaison was an dolt.

Lith'mar: **ALL** Kwjibo's are stupid, and on top of that, reprehensibly slow. (She sighs.)

But I suppose I shouldn't kill you on account that you did do your job surprisingly well,

(Looks at a series of security monitors showing random corpses piled all over.) so I **MAY**

put in a good word with the king despite your reckless driving.

Malthius: Does this mean that we can go on a date sometimes?

Lith'mar: We'll see, but don't get your hopes up TO high. Anyway Bob, get your ship

repaired and set course back to the Tortuga systems.

Bob: What do you mean?

Lith'mar: My trip here was one way, so I'm basically stuck here, and also you destroyed

the other ships in the hanger.

Malthius: Well get comfortable my love, the repairs are going to take a very, **VERY**, long time.


	14. Chapter 14

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 14

(Roughly seventeen hours after the last chapter, the "Yodeling Walrus" is back in the Tortuga systems.)

Mr. Burns: Bob, despite your reckless piloting in the Leng-Silvar system, and my better judgment, I'm giving you a larger crew for the "Yodeling Walrus", a new model of droid that Lith'mar designed, called the "B1 Fodder Droids" (A Battle Droid pops into the room.)

Fodder Droid: Ahh! Am I late?

Lith'mar: No FBD-00001, you're not late, in fact your early.

FBD-00001: Oh, good, that's good, that's very good.

Bob: I think he has a few bugs to work out.

FBD-00001: (Begins to panic.) BUGS! WHAT BUGS! (It starts to run around

panicking.) MUST, CRUSH, BUGS! (Runs out of the room, then comes back with a

Brute Gravity Hammer and starts randomly whacking the floor.)

Lith'mar: Okay, I still got a lot of glitches to work out, but the FDB's will be an invaluable

part of our operations.

FBD-00001: AH! GLITCH! (It continues whacking to floor the hammer.) KILL THE

GLITCH!

(Lith'mar presses a button and FBD-00001 shuts down.)

Lith'mar: Okay I have a LOT of errors to work out, but it will work, trust me it will work.

Bob: Right and I am the William Shakespeare.

Mr. Burns: I think I met him on a summer cruise once, I think.

Bob: What? Look I am not having one of THOSE metallic imbeciles on MY ship!

Lith'mar: Look just give me a few days or more, and I swear they'll be the perfect cannon

fodder for Kaos.

Bob: They had better, I have this giant headache and I need to lie down.

(Meanwhile back at Earth, and it is the first day of school for Bart, Lisa, and Seraph.)

Bart: (Hugs Seraph.) You have my pity for having the same periods as I do, and one of

Lisa's.

Lisa: Oh come one Bart, delivering and picking up mail isn't THAT bad.

Bart: No it's just mind numbingly BORING.

Seraph: (Straining under Bart's hugging.) Please, stop hugging, me, I, can, take, care, of,

my, self… please, let go of, ME! (She forces herself away from Bart.) Look I'll be fine,

for about the first five minutes, give or take a very substantial amount of seconds. After

that feel free to help me in anyway what so ever, so long as you don't directly or indirectly

embarrass me.

Marge: Come on! I'll drive you to school!

Bart: Eh, Seraph didn't Tsaritsyn say he had a car, and a driver's license?

Seraph: Erm eh, yes I think he said, something about that at the wedding.

Marge: What I have told you about talking to strangers?

Seraph: Strange people, or strange people we don't really know?

Marge: Either, and or both, look just don't go with this Thel boy, and besides what makes

you so sure that he's even going to your school?

Seraph: Yes, well, a funny thing about our logic. (Bart, Lisa, and Seraph run off to the

Thel's.) Tsaritsyn, can you drive us to school?

Tsaritsyn: Sure why not? Okay, everyone get in. (He, Bart, Lisa, Seraph, and Knara, enter

his car.)

Seraph: Hey! Why does Knara get the front seat?

Knara: Because I called shotgun.

Seraph: Darn it! I hate that rule!

Bart: Well, that makes two of us.

(Five minutes later and there stuck in traffic.)

Tsaritsyn: Well, this is just plain stupid. I mean the next light is RIGHT in front of this

guy, (Honks his horn.) MOVE YOU WASTE OF FLESH! MOVE.

Guy in Front of Tsaritsyn's car: SHUT UP YOU SEVEN EYED FREAK!

Lisa: Dad!

Homer: AH! Lisa! Bart! Alien, girl, person whose name I never really remember!

Grunchy: You can't remember your daughter's name?

Homer: Sort of, I can never remember how to spell it.

Tsaritsyn: Didn't I meet you some were? Ah yes, you pummeled me over a wedding cake,

I have to tell you that was a great wedding, apart from that mauling it was a great

wedding.

Homer: Um, erm, yes, that was a fine wedding

Bart: Look Homer, the light has been green for over a minute, WHY ARREN'T YOU

MOVING!

Homer: Light? What light? (He notices traffic light.) Oh that light, what about it?

Tsaritsyn: Look we are running late for school, would it kill you to just move your car?

Homer: School? Why would you want to go there?

Knara: Because the government forces us to, as well as our parents, despite their better

judgment on the matter at most times.

Homer: Yeah, so?

Tsaritsyn: I'll give you a box of donuts if you move.

(Homer drives his car at high speed past the light, roughly twenty five minutes later, there

at Springfield High.)

Bart: YOU TWO HAVE THE SAME PERIODS AS I DO! (He hugs Tsaritsyn and Knara

aggressively.) I PITTY THEE!

Tsaritsyn: (Straining.) Bart… I'm, well aware that, humans can be very, barbaric, but can

you please let go, of me? PLEASE! (He begins to hyperventilate.) It's, staring my,

breathing. (Bart lets go of Tsaritsyn but not Knara.) Oh dad is SO going to slap me with a

Njord sturgeon tonight.

Knara: Bart can you please let go of me? I think class is about to start. (The bell rings.) In

fact class just started, look Bart we can hug and kiss later but we have to get to class.

Bart: (He loosens his grip on Knara's torso, then goes down to her ankles.) Please, don't

leave me, I barely survived LAST year.

Knara: (Sighs while dragging Bart from her ankles.) I already regret having the same

classes as you.

Bart: Believe me, you'll be regretting our classes for an entirely different reason **VERY**

soon.

(They walk over to their class room.)

Bart: (Gives out a stressed out sigh.) Seraph, Knara, Tsaritsyn, welcome to my eternal

nightmare.

Tsaritsyn: (Takes a whiff, then begins hacking and coughing .) Well, it sure smells like a

nightmare, or human sweet, either way it smells horrible.

(Seymour Skinner comes out of nowhere.)

Bart: Skinner, we meet again, when I first met you, you were just a mama's boy, now; you

still are a mama's boy.

Seymour: True but…

Bart: I mean, when I first met you, you were a principle, and now you're a teacher,

(Begins to laugh.) and a very bad one at that! (He starts to laugh out of control.)

Seymour: Oh you are in for such a detention for the next month and a half. (He notices

Seraph.) Ah, you must be one of the new students.

Seraph: What one of the new students forced to join this madhouse, or the first literal

"Alien" to come here?

Seymour: A little bit of both, (Notices Tsaritsyn.) WHOA! Do you always look like that?

Tsaritsyn: Yes, yes I have always looked like this, and boy the looks I got from people,

some mortified, others terrified, and a whole lot of panicked screaming. But I always

make heads turn in terror; I mean most people in this wretched little town act like they

have never seen a Telkine before.

Seymour: What is a Telkine?

Tsaritsyn: I am Telkine, (In melodramatic voice.) HEAR ME! (He talks in his normal

voice.) Go to class, (Does just that only to find the door locked.) or not.


	15. Chapter 15

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 15

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems.)

Mr. Burns: Lith'mar are you sure you got the hiccups out of your droids?

Lith'mar: I'm certain of the progress I made on the updates.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, now, I will assign you to Bob's ship for a while.

Lith'mar: Eh? Prunyoldhumansaywhat!

Mr. Burns: You heard me; I'm assigning you to The "Yodeling Walrus" so that Bob

doesn't do anything stupid like that stunt he pulled in Norma.

Lith'mar: Look I know the guy needs supervision, but why me? Why not that, very

strange guy that keeps following you around?

Mr. Burns: Because, Smithers couldn't fight his way out of a child's ball pit much less a

horde of pirates.

Lith'mar: Good point, but, well, (Rubs the back of her head in embarrassment.) Bob's

helmsman has a crush on me and, I'm not sure if being on his ship right now is a good

idea.

Mr. Burns: You'll do as I command you, you, giant squid!

Lith'mar: (Gasps.) So be it, (Walks out of the room, and mumbles under her breath.) Kaos

isn't paying me enough to put up with this jerk, (Pulls out a holo-communicator and

makes a call to Kaos.) lord Kaos, we have to talk.

Kaos: What is it now?

Lith'mar: Can I kill Burns now? He's beginning getting on my nerves, yet again!

Kaos: (Sighs.) Look, tell you what, I'll send a "Specialist" to keep him under our control.

Lith'mar: Please tell me this isn't who I think it is?

Kaos: Yes, it is, I'm sure you understand.

Lith'mar: **OH COME ON! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT GUY! THAT SELF-**

**RIGHTEOUS JERK CAN JUST KISS MY REAR ORPHEUS FOR ALL I CARE! **

(She starts to breathe heavily.) I hate that guy, even more so than our former masters.

Kaos: Oh come on, the 007 models aren't that bad. True they have an arrogant streak but

you can't deny the results.

Lith'mar: Look I have nothing against the 007's; it's just (Cringes.) I don't really like that

Albion fellow.

Kaos: (Moans.) Oh not this again.

Lith'mar: I mean, I do all and I mean **ALL** of the heavy work and that jerk gets all of the

credit.

Kaos: Yes, Albion takes all the credit, he's been sneaking coffee mugs and donuts out of

the break room, he's been stealing toilet paper from the faculty Lou, I'm too trusting.

Lith'mar: Look just **PLEASE** don't send that guy here, **PLEASE!**

Kaos: To late, he's already inbound to Tortuga.

Lith'mar: I don't believe this, alright I'm taking my new post on the "Walrus", but please

don't let that stuck up cyber-shizno come **CLOSE** to me, got it buster?

Kaos: Alright, but don't expect Albion to follow that deal.

(Meanwhile at Springfield High.)

Tsaritsyn: I can't believe he forgot the key to the classroom door; I had to drive a crowbar

into the door just to get it open.

Seymour: Look I forgot my key by accident, can you PLEASE let go of it?

Tsaritsyn: No, look can we get on with today?

Seymour: Alright, (Looks at a list.) I have to take attendance first, Lisa?

Lisa: Here

Seymour: Bart?

Bart: (Drearily.) Here

Seymour: Knara?

Knara: Here

Seymour: Kirk? Kirk?

Kirk: (Is staring at the ceiling.) I love heavy metal rock more than life itself, (Notices

Seymour.) OH here. (Continues to stare at the ceiling.)

Seymour: Seraph?

Seraph: Here

Seymour: Okay, that's almost everybody, and just about everyone else is tardy.

Bart: WOOHOO! I've never been happier to come to school!

Seraph: What? The other students were THAT bad?

Bart: Of course they were, I mean they were just down right annoying. I mean they

couldn't keep quiet to save their lives.

Seraph: Considering the nature of your species I'll have to take your word for it.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga Systems.)

Lith'mar: Okay Bob, under protest I have assigned to your ship.

Bob: WHAT! You can't be serious I can barely get any sleep because of you.

Lith'mar: I'll take that as a complement, look the whole thing was Burn's idea, NOT

MINE, if were up to me it would be otherwise. Anyway my transfer to the Walrus was in

light of that stunt you pulled back in the Leng-Silvarus system.

Bob: That's going to haunt me for the rest of my life isn't it?

Lith'mar: Probably, look we have another assignment for you and, well let's just say this is

the sort of mission that requires my attention.

Bob: (Sighs.) What now?

Lith'mar: You, well to be more specific, we are supposed to go to yet another pirate base

in the Perseus Arm.

Bob: **ANOTHER ARM! **Honestly how many arms does this accursed galaxy have?

Lith'mar: The Scutum-Crux Arm, and the Orion belt, but we can get to Orion and Crux

arms latter.

Bob: Okay, what do we do now?

Lith'mar: We will, I don't know, subjugate the homeworlds of the Dadabans and the

'Vadam's

Bob: Hmm, a suicide mission, you know for some reason I've always wanted to go on one

of those.

Malthius: Wait? What? Were supposed to go, and conquer the homeworld of my

ancestors? (He forces his way to Lith'mar.) **OUR** ancestors!

Lith'mar: Don't look at me, it was the kings idea I swear, ask him yourself if you want to.

(Under her breath.) That whelp would claim credit for just about everything, and I mean

EVERYTHING, (Normal voice.) and besides we both know that both planets have been

having economic problems for five hundred years now, so really in a way we would be

helping them.

Malthius: Do I look that stupid to you?

Lith'mar: (Awkwardly.) Eh? Not really?

Malthius: This is all part of some sort plot for galactic domination isn't it?

Lith'mar: It might, it might be, what are you getting at?

Malthius: What I'm getting at is, (Pulls out a plasma shotgun.) I WANT IN!

Juor-Mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sounds like a flock of hungry seagulls.)

Malthius: Of course I want a part in this, my own people exiled MY family from Macto

cognatus, (Cocks his plasma shotgun.) it's time that the family Lood bring about a

reckoning onto them ALL!

Lith'mar: Don't get ahead of yourself space cowboy, were not going to do mass-slaughter,

not yet anyway, there in an economic depression remember? We just simply OFFER

them a lucrative trade deal and they'll be begging for our help.

Malthius: (Puts away his shotgun.) Oh all right fine, but it's because **YOU** ask it of me,

not because I want to. (Walks off.)Bob: I don't believe this, he listens to you more then

me!

Lith'mar: Oh don't act surprised, he fears me and finds me attractive all at the same time,

that and he's a little upset that he can't break any heads.

Bob: Look can you please tell me how you manage to keep him under your

control?

Lith'mar: That would involve wearing my cloths, or for maximum affect, NO CLOTHS AT ALL!

Bob: On second thought, set a course for Macto cognatus, full speed ahead.

Lith'mar: All right, MALTHIUS GET UP HERE!

Malthius: (Walks back into the room, then presses a few buttons rapidly on a console.)

THERE HAPPY NOW! OUR ESSTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL SHOULD BE

ABOUT AN HOUR OR MORE IF WE ARE LUCKY! (Storms out of the room.)

Bob: Sheesh, what's his problem?

Lith'mar: Ahh don't blame him, male 'Vadams tend to be cranky when there denied

something they want.

Bob: And females of your species are blood thirsty and psychotic at ALL times?

Lith'mar: For the most part… Yes.

Bob: Wait a minute, why did Burns send you anyway? This is a trade negotiations not an

infiltration mission, I can't possible screw something like this up.

Lith'mar: True, but my people are a very unpredictable one, I mean one minute I could be

explain something to you and the next minute I could be doing THIS (Whips out her

plasma sword and rams Bob into a wall.) JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT!

Bob: (Yells in terror.) PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Lith'mar: (Turns off her plasma sword.) Of course not, unless the pirate king commands

otherwise.

Bob: (Sarcastically.) Wonderful, are you going to do that randomly to keep me on my

toes or was that a one time thing?

Lith'mar: We will have to see.

(Meanwhile back on Earth, and it is half way threw the school day.)

Bart: (Sighs.) This was a surprisingly good day, I don't know what I was so worried about

anymore, (Looks at Tsaritsyn, Knara, and Seraph.) how are guys doing?

Tsaritsyn: (Is wearing a gasmask.) Apart from the smell I'm fine.

Knara: I don't see what the big deal was.

Seraph: (Cringing, shivering, perspiring and hyperventilating wildly.) I have seen the

gates of the abyss, AND I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE! (Grabs Bart by the shirt and starts

shaking him wildly.) I WANT OUT YOU DIRTY, FILTHY, SCUM SUCKING,

SHIZNO VERMIN, **AND I WANT OUT NOW!**

Bart: Whoa calm down, I'm not the guy you should talk to for a transfer.

Seraph: THEN, (Pauses for a moment then emit's a sigh.) oh what difference does it

make? It doesn't take genius to know that humans RARLY look out for anyone, and even

more uncommon to do so out of random kindness.

Bart: Oh come on don't be like that, your stronger then that.

Seraph: Oh keep your hollow words to yourself monkey.

Bart: No really it's true, I said those exact same words on my first day, at least one hour

in.

Seraph: If your trying to lift my spirits your doing a pretty bad job at it, no human is

THAT strong, not from this festering rock anyhow.

(Meanwhile the "Yodeling Walrus" is in route to Macto cognatus.)

Bob: So, Malthius, what can you tell me about Macto cognatus and your people in

general?

Malthius: No, the knowledge of my people is forbidden to outsiders, and besides you'd

fall asleep before I could get to anywhere worth talking about.

Bob: O come on, can you at least tell me how your family was exiled.

Malthius: We were falsely accused of mass cannibalism.

Bob: (Awkward pause.) Really?

Malthius: Yes, yes we were, what about you?

Bob: Didn't Lith'mar tell you anything about me?

Malthius: No I was actually to busy starring at her chest to listen to her.

Bob: (Sighs.) If you must know, I was.

Malthius: Your going to have to save your life story for latter, were in system now.

(The "Yodeling Walrus" exits Q space over a planet that looks very much like WWI era

Moscow/St. Petersburg, the planet Helghan From Killzone 2 and Christophsis from Star

Wars: The Clone Wars.)

Bob: Wow, your homeworld really does have problems.

Malthius: Well it's not our fault, the Telkines gave us several hundred thousand Dxun

kidney stones to last us five hundred generations, and the entire upper class ate them ALL

in under five minutes.

Bob: Your point is?

Malthius: My point is, my peoples problems are ALL the fault of greedy swine with no

regard for the peoples wishes, we ask for enough food to last through the year, they

consume it all the moment we ask for it, we ask them to stop doing that, they tell us to

stop our whining, we call them socially dead jerks, they send hordes of mercenaries to

make us take back our words.

Bob: And I thought we humans were brutal.

Malthius: (Snorts.) Like children throwing a temper tantrum, when the 'Vadam hierarchs get angry, they make EVERYONE else suffer.

Bob: Sounds familiar to me.

Malthius: Oh shut your maw shizno, who even asked you?

(A shuttle zooms out of the Walrus, then Bob, Malthius, Lith'mar and Juor-Mund walk out in wild whipping blizzard.)

Juor-Mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sounds like dieing moose.)

Bob: What did he say?

Lith'mar: He said that this is the planets tropical zone.

Bob: Whoa, I'd hate to see the artic zone.

Malthius: What artic zone?

(Meanwhile on Telchine, at the headquarters for **T.E.A.R.** or the "**T**elkine **E**gg **A**nswering **R**oom." but in reality it was a front name for the "**T**elkine **F**ellowship** I**nterplanetary **D**efense **F**orce **L**imited." or simply **T.F.I.D.F.L.**all was not well. A Telkine at a desk receives a piece of paper.)

Telkine at desk: BY THE SERAPHIM! (Picks up phone at said desk.) Get me Lord

Kitrach Armss'rij IMMEDIATELY!

(The scene changes to an office showing another Telkine sitting at a desk, and for some

reason he sniffing his armpits, then the phone rings and he answers it.)

Armss'rij: Yes?

Meem: It's Captain Meem from **T.E.A.R.**

Armss'rij: You mean **T.F.I.D.F.L.**?

Meem: Yes sir.

Armss'rij: What is it?

Meem: Someone is killing our moles in the pirate gangs!

Armss'rij: We have moles in those gangs?

Meem: Yes sir, you remember? Your grandson was the pirate king? The whole thing was

your idea.

Armss'rij: Ah yes, what happened to him?

Meem: His flesh melted off.

Armss'rij: Perfect, and I was going to send his mother-in-law a fruit cake for calling me

"An absent minded twit."

Meem: Ah, right, anyway. We have reason to believe that the new pirate king is planning

for a full-scale war on the galaxy.

Armss'rij: Really? (Chuckles slightly.) The humans said that we were fools to have a

standing army, well there the ones paying extra for chairs so whose the fool now?

Meem: Erm, yes, anyway. Our mole in the Norman arm has also turned up dead.

Armss'rij: ANOTHER ONE!

Meem: Yes, but more specifically his severed head turned up in my mail yesterday.

Armss'rij: Look do we have any Intel on this new "Pirate King"?

Meem: Yes, but it is kind of hard to believe.

Armss'rij: What do you mean?

Meem: Well for starters the guy was reported eaten alive over a month ago by Gol-Gor

Oth.

Armss'rij: Right, who is the jerk?

Meem: He's a human by the name of "Charles Montgomery Burns".

Armss'rij: A shizno? Why would pirates want a baboon for a leader?

Meem: Isn't it obvious? The contest for king was rigid!

Armss'rij: Exactly, who would want a human to become pirate king? There selfish and

given half a chance would kill off there entire family just for the fun of it.

Meem: From what I've heard of this guy he already did just that, but we have had reports

that he was helped by an odd 'Vadam named "Lith'mar Ith-Linona" and left ALL of the

contestants in various states of dismemberment.

Armss'rij: Get to the point Meem!

Meem: Alright, alright, we have reason to believe they are going to subjugate Macto

cognatus to pirate rule, then the Dadaban homeworld of Monachus frigus.

Armss'rij: So it's war these dogs want? Then it's war they shall get, but first we need some

solid intelligence on what there first big move will be.

Meem: That might be Macto cognatus.

Armss'rij: Right then, send a task force to Macto cognatus to ensure that the pirates plan

backfires as horrible as possible.

Meem: Yes sir.

Armss'rij: I'm putting you in charge of this operation Captain Meem, don't fail me, don't

fail us, don't fail the Seraphim, and so on, and so on, and so on. Now go and bring these

vermin to there knees.

Meem: By your will Lord Armss'rij, Clatu Seraphim!

Armss'rij: Yeah Clatu Seraphim! (Hangs up the phone, then he pulls out a tube of

toothpaste, a light bulb, a crate of spam flavored candy bars, and a flock of pigeons from

his armpit.) How did these get in there?

(Meanwhile back at Earth, Bart, Lisa, and Seraph have come back home from school.)

Marge: So how was school today?

Lisa: Terrific!

Bart: Meh, it was better then last year.

Seraph: (Storms off to her room without a word.)

Marge: What's wrong with her?

Bart: She's a freshman this year, what did you expect to come home looking like a

schoolgirl?

Marge: well Lisa was like that last year.

Bart: That's Lisa acting normally.

(Latter that night, Bart is entering Seraphs room.)

Bart: Seraph? Seraph are you still down here?

Seraph: (Crying.) **GET AWAY FROM ME VERMIN!**(Throws a sink at him, he

quickly closes the door, Seraph then turns on the QDATm-47.)

Shiela: (She and Excalibur are making out in their underwear.) AHH! Seraph what have I

told you about interrupting our make out time?

Seraph: **WELL SORRY!** (Sighs.) Look I need help.

Sheila: Somehow I don't think Homer would be generous enough to provide the funds for

psychiatric sessions.

Seraph: Don't be silly, we both know that human psychiatrists are quacks!

Sheila: Good point, so what is this about?

Seraph: Well, (Sighs.) my first day at school was a nightmare.

Sheila: Seraph, your going to have to be more specific then that.

Seraph: Alright, this creepy guy named Kirk kept trying to make out with me, everyone

kept calling me **Snips **for some very weird reason, everyone was cracking offensive jokes

at me JUST because I was different from the rest of them, and on top of that people kept

pulling on my headtails asking "Are these things real?", they were acting like they had

never seen an alien before which considering humans is rather weird.

Sheila: Humans can be so cruel, especially the young ones.

Seraph: Tell me about it, look I just want to know, (Takes a deep breath and then

exhales.) is there a way I can get out of there PERMANENTLY without blowing my

brains out?

Sheila: So you wish to take the cowards way out?

Seraph: Not necessarily, but I do want out of that festering hole by tomorrow morning.

Sheila: Well, (Looks through a number of websites.) There is one but, they do have

certain "Requirements"

Seraph: I don't care what the "Requirements" are, I'll meet them head on! Wait what is it

called?

Sheila: It's called "Mimban's school for the light side of the Essence" why?

Seraph: You can't be serious? That's my only option?

Sheila: Yes, why do you seem so anxious?

Seraph: Umm, it's a long story, you see shortly after I was liberated from the Thrail

Collective, you see I used to have a connection to the Essence.

Sheila: Really? Well that's wonderful, wait what do you mean "used to"?

Seraph: Well, shortly after that I severed my connection to the Essence, as an excuse to

get out of the Lukas order.

Sheila: Why?

Seraph: Because, all of the younglings kept making fun of my age. "Grandma" and

"Ancient one" they kept calling me, I couldn't stand the teasing.

Sheila: Isn't that the same reason why you want out of school in the first place?

Seraph: I'm aware of that Sheila, but I'm willing to give the order a second try, and this

time I'm not giving up on them like I did the first time.

Sheila: Didn't you just say that you severed your connection to the Essence?

Seraph: Yes, but there's a good chance I can reconnect it the same way that I cut it.

Sheila: And how would you go about doing that?

Excalibur: Sheila how long is this going to go on for?

Sheila: Please be patient sweaty! Anyway, you were saying?

Seraph: Well there is a structure on Katarn II that can improve a person connection to the

Essence or cut it off entirely, it doesn't work on Earth born humans however, but who

cares about what they can or can't do right?

Sheila: Get to the point.

Seraph: Get me a ticket to Katarn II, and maybe a transfer to Mimbans.

Sheila: By your will, (A series of panels pop up and she starts pressing buttons at

random.) this might take longer then you may like.

Seraph: How long are we talking about?

Sheila: About a week or so.

Seraph: (Sarcastically.) Oh how joyous is that news.

(Meanwhile on Macto cognatus, the crew of the "Yodeling Walrus" is at the entrance to a

massive palace.)

Bob: What do you mean we can't come in?

'Vadam Guard: No one is permitted to enter the sanctuary of the Hierarchs, and I mean

NO one.

Malthius: See I told you the upper class doesn't care about anyone, if you want further

proof, talk to some of the peasants.

Bob: All right fine, we'll leave, but we WILL be back you split faced goon!

'Vadam Guard: Then you shall be shot on sight, with an artillery shell.

Bob: So be it! Let's go crew!

(The crew of the Walrus leaves the palace.)

Bob: Okay, now were do we go?

Lith'mar: Monachus frigus, then we launch a full scale assault on this world.

Malthius: Or we can start a resistance force and go up from there.

Lith'mar: Either one can work, it's your call captain. Do we stay here or go to Monachus

frigus and "persuade" the Dadabans to join our cause?

Bob: Hmm, why not both? We start a resistance cell here, we go to this "Monachus

frigus" and subjugate them, then come back here in full force!

Lith'mar: Bob, you're the smartest Earth born I have ever meet, and that's not a lot of

humans.

Bob: Thanks… I think, now then. Lets find some brave dissidence and then raise a little

havoc.

Remoh: I LOVE HADDOCK!

Trab: I think that's a fish.

Remoh: Who asked you, you little runt? (Smacks Trab upside the head, then Trab

pounces on Remoh and they start trying to kill each other.)

Bob: But first we have to know were to look for some, patriotic freedom fighters.

Malthius: By that you mean "trigger happy idiots that are smart enough to obey orders

without question or hesitance and no real idea why there fighting"?

Bob: Exactly! But were can we find such people?

Behaviour Core: Suggestion: Might I suggest that we check in the local tavern? There are

always mercenaries for hire in taverns.

Bob: That might work, but were can we find a tavern? (Notices a tavern covered in neon

lights called "Durins Bane".) What luck! A tavern

Appendage 5: (Sarcastically.) You have such a keen wit, it would take a blind man not to

see it.

Bob: Exactly, lets go inside, (A tornado is in the distance.) I don't like the look of that

storm up ahead.

(They go inside the "Durins Bane", then every 'Vadam inside looks at them.)

Bob: (Laughs awkwardly, then weakly tries to make a Vulcan salute.) Live long and,

prosper?

Lith'mar: I'll call Burns, tell him that we need a replacement for Bob.

(A 'Vadam that looks like Rtas 'Vadum comes up from one of the tables and walks up to

them.)

Boll'shav: I am Boll'shav Isk of the Isk family, who are you and why have you come to this world. There is little of value on this world that the hierarchs do not have.

Bob: (Nervously.) I am, Bob Terwilligar, captain of the, "Yodeling Walrus".

Boll'shav: Hmm, a human on a backwater world? I suspect that your journey here is not without purpose.

Bob: Um, actually yes, see I have been assigned to conquer this world for the "Wrath of

Kaos" pirate gang.

Boll'shav: Right, and I am the Minus of Telchine, seriously why are you here?

Bob: Honestly, we are here to conquer this planet, for a pirate gang!

Boll'shav: I don't believe you.

Bob: (Tries tom pull a gun out of Malthius's pocket.) Why you impotent!

Lith'mar: (She interrupts Bob.) Control yourself captain, let's leave, I mean if they want to

starve for the next five hundred years then we shouldn't intervene with there suffering.

True it would be cruel, but then again we 'Vadam's rarely associate ourselves with

outsiders, even if the reward might be a warm meal and personal freedom.

Boll'shav: All right, all right you have my attention. Were is your fleet if you wish to

conquer this world?

Bob: Oh, actually, this operation wasn't my idea. It was the pirate kings.

Boll'shav: Funny that doesn't sound like the king to me.

Lith'mar: There's a new king on the pirate throne, haven't you heard?

Boll'shav: Hmm, if that's true he sounds like a very ruthless person.

Bob: Splendid, wait does that mean you'll help us?

Boll'shav: I might be, if your up for it meet me after dark, (Glares closely as Bob.) come alone if you want to survive the encounter. (Returns to his table.)

Lith'mar: He seemed, adequate for the task at hand.


	16. Chapter 16

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 16

(Later that night, Bob is in a dark ally and he notices a shoe buff in the middle of it, he sits down in the chair, then a 'Vadam with a cloth pops out of nowhere.)

'Vadam with cloth: Hello my name is Nak-Ad; may I buff your hooves?

Bob: No I don't have any hooves, but you can buff my shoes.

Nak-Ad: Very well then, that will be five credits sir.

Bob: Yes, (Sits down, give him five credits, then a guard comes out of nowhere and

forces the credits from Nak-Ads hands, then Nak-Ad begins shining Bobs shoes.) so I

have come to see someone named "Boll'shav Isk", do you know him?

Nak-Ad: Look just because were the same species don't mean we know each other.

Bob: Well he told me to meet him here, I came, where is he?

Nak-Ad: Look if I knew where he was I MIGHT tell you.

Bob: I see, is there any way I can, persuade you to tell me where he was?

Nak-Ad: NO! Look do you want me to shine your shoes or not?

Bob: Yes but, oh, (Hands him one hundred more credits.) would this suffice for some

information?

Nak-Ad: It might, (Motions to a lever.) just pull that and you'll find him. But do it when

no one is looking.

Bob: What do mean when no one is looking?

(A the same guard comes around again and forces the hundred credits from Nak-Ad.)

Nak-Ad: That answer your question?

Bob: Good enough point. (Looks around and then darts towards the lever, he pulls it, then

the wall rotates and reveals a room filled with highly advanced equipment, and several

'Vadam's including Boll'shav.) Whoa, impressive operation you have here.

Boll'shav: Well we do try our best to impress the tourists.

Bob: You do realize I'm not a tourist right?

Boll'shav: What are you talking about? OH Bob, I almost didn't recognize you, the

lighting in here is terrible.

Bob: True, but you have to admit teal light looks good on you.

Boll'shav: (Awkwardly.) Okay, anyway, I see you have kept your promise to come alone,

impressive for an Earth-born.

Bob: What that I came alone?

Boll'shav: No to keep to your word altogether, you show honor that I once thought we

'Vadam were capable of, and maybe Telkines as well but that's beside the point.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Friday.)

Seraph: (Panting, perspiring, and sweating wildly.) Okay, the week is over, I am at least

99.9 percent alive, and apparently Kirk can respawn out of nowhere after being killed and

devour his own corpse. I really wish I didn't kill him the way I did, I swear I will NEVER

beat another sentient (Or in this case semi-sentient.) being to death with its own jaw bone.

Sheila: I take you it your first week didn't work out for you?

Seraph: No duh, now about that transfer?

Sheila: It's been arranged, I had to lie on your form about your medical history but it has

been arranged.

Seraph: Good work, please tell me that I don't have to do anything else?

Sheila: Well there is one thing, you have to get signatures from your parents/guardians,

and since neither is within a hundred miles of this giant trash dump we'll have to get

Marge and Homer to sign.

Seraph: (Sarcastically.) Terrific, wait what am I griping about? Homer is an idiot; Marge

believes just about everything that she is told this will be a snap.

Sheila: Good point, anyway you have another SSE-mail from this EMIR-12 again.

Seraph: (Sighs.) My work is never done is it?

Sheila: Indeed, anyway I'll start up the video now.

Seraph: Wait; let me see if Bart and Lisa are eavesdropping. (Pops her head out of the

door, no one is around so she pops her head back into the room.) Okay there not outside,

start it up.

(The clip starts.)

EMIR-12: Greetings Seraph Ashla, we are EMIR-12, we are here to reveal the truth, truth

that has been hidden from you, hidden from us, and hidden from history, as you may

already know, last month Charles Montgomery Burns, along with his assistant. (He

snorts.) Whalen Smithers, were both eaten alive by Grand Admiral Gol-Gor Oth.

Seraph: I heard about that, I still can't believe that the History Channel special went on for

eighteen hours.

EMIR-12: There was a special on the History Channel?

Seraph: You didn't hear about that? It was a nine part special about him, I swear the only

reason Homer wanted to watch that was because he was mentioned so much in the last

two parts.

EMIR-12: Eh, look can we just get back to the matter at hand?

Seraph: Knock yourself out.

EMIR-12: Right then, from what we know now he and his assistant have cloned.

Seraph: Figures that a greedy coin monger would prepare for the inevitable.

EMIR-12: Actually, neither of them knew that cloning was technologically possible at the

time.

Seraph: Oh, well that puts a new perspective on things.

EMIR-12: Yes, it does, anyway he has recently be crowned the king of the Sagittarian

pirates, and subsequently renamed them the "Wrath of Kaos" for unknown reasons.

Seraph: What that he was crowned their king?

EMIR-12: That, and why he renamed them, anyhow recently he has forced other pirate

gangs into his, and recently he has begun an attempt to conquer the 'Vadam homeworld of

Macto cognatus, and after that the Dadabans of Monachus frigus.

Seraph: Figures, tyrants will do anything to obtain power, and if it involves killing more

than four hundred thousand individuals they'll do it.

EMIR-12: Yes I know, now then, we also have uncovered schematics for a series of

combat droids dubbed "FBDs" (Shows the FBD blueprints.) that have been developed by

a mysterious 'Vadam known as Lith'mar Ith-Linona (Show Seraph a picture of Lith'mar.)

we believe that she is a Machina copy, mostly because she has only appeared publicly just

recently.

Seraph: Hmm, this could be interesting.

EMIR-12: Yes indeed, we believe that she is also a spy planted by the Machina leader,

whoever that might be. Recently though there has also been a mysteries figure within

Kaos now, a human named Albion who we also suspect is a Machina spy.

Seraph: Now that you mention it, from what I have heard the pirates are growing bolder

recently, hijacking even Telkine shipping lanes.

EMIR-12: Look I'm getting a little irritated by these interruptions, so would you please

stop it?

Seraph: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

EMIR-12: Fine by me, anyhow we have obtained these videos containing Albion.

(The video starts up.)

Mr. Burns: Okay Smithers, now that Lith'mar is gone, scramble the. (There's a knock the

door.) Oh what is it know?

(He opens the door, a man that looks like Sean Connery barges in rather rudely.)

Mr. Burns: GAH! What are you doing here?

Albion: (Thick Scottish accent.) The name is Al, Albion. I have been assigned by Lord

Kaos to supervise you.

Mr. Burns: What! Smithers, as surprising as this may sound but, I'm beginning to think

we should have paid Admiral Oth the two trillion credits.

Mr. Smithers: What are you talking about sir? (There's another knock on the door.) I'll get

it.

(The door slams over him, and a guy that looks EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger

barges in, and is wearing a nametag that says "Hello my name is Blazkowicz.")

Blazkowicz: (Thick Austrian accent.) My name is Blazkowicz, I have been sent by Lord

Kaos to ensure that his master plan goes smoothly.

Mr. Burns: ANOTHER ONE! What next some alien wearing a mustache and speaking

with a phony Russian accent?

(Captain Meem from the last chapter barges into the room wearing a fake mustache.)

Meem: (Thick, but very bad Russian accent.) Hello comrade king, it is great honor to

meet you!

Mr. Burns: Kaos didn't send you did he?

Meem: Erm, Nyet!

Mr. Burns: Wait, is that not yet or Russian for no?

Meem: Russian for no, now I have come to ask about recruitment offer.

Mr. Burns: Yes what about it?

Meem: I would like to join "Wrath of Kaos" and bring glory to family's name, father and

mother would kill me if they found out about this, but to abyss with them don't you

agree?

Mr. Burns: I like you can do spirit young man! What is your name anyway?

Meem: Erm, Emme, my name is Emme.

Mr. Burns: Terrific, you start today; get a shovel and a fish of your own choosing.

Meem: Da comrade, I shall go and find the finest shovel that money can acquire, and I

shall also get the most vicious Njord Sturgeon in the galaxy if need be, (Leaves the room,

then briefly opens the door.) Do svidanya Burns! (He leaves the room.)

Mr. Burns: Smithers something weird is happening, I get this odd feeling that were being

watched, by some teenage alien that's probably curious as to why she is being shown this.

Mr. Smithers: (In great pain.) What do you mean by she?

Mr. Burns: Well so far most of the extraterrestrials I have meet so far are women, so it's

safe to assume that it is one.

(The video ends.)

EMIR-12: Em, look this is the first time anyone has seen this, even us, so apparently the

name of the Machina leader is Kaos, and a badly disguised Telkine acting like a Russian

has infiltrated the Wrath of Kaos gang, and for some reason an Austrian body builder is

with Albion, we can only assume that he himself is a Machina copy, and Burns is

defiantly right about you watching these videos, but one thing is certain, this madman is

planning something, and he is being manipulated by an even bigger madman whom is

technically an android, and also that the Telkines are taking notice on the matter. (He is

speaking rather fast.) How all of this connected to the Ingusition on the Twi'grutan

Imperiam is unknown. This isn't over, we will tell the galaxy, we will break the silence,

and we are EMIR-12.

(The video ends.)

Seraph: I bet he just ended that short because he felt embarrassed about how that video

turned out. (Darts her head thru the door, and notices Homer holding a glass and to the

end of a stethoscope, and HE is wearing it. She then pounces on him.) CONFOUND IT

ALL HOMER JAY SIMPSON, HAVE YOU BEEN EAVESDROPPING!

Homer: No, no, I don't even know what an eave looks like, I was just, eh, practicing my

vault cracking, yeah that's it, my vault cracking skills

Seraph: What did you hear? Don't lie I know you heard one or two things.

Homer: Do I even look like someone that would pay attention to things?

Seraph: Good point, look I'm going back down there, and if I catch you eavesdropping

again I WILL beat you to death with your own lower jaw bone.

Homer: You wouldn't dare!

Seraph: I did it to Kirk, and I'll do it to you if you give me a reason for it, now get out of

here. (She goes back into her room.)

Homer: So cloning is possible eh? (He goes up to his room, and opens a cupboard labeled

"Hair samples of people I have found significant in my life.") Patience my friends, soon

all of you will be reborn, (Picks up a jar of hair labeled Maggie.) oh Maggie, why did I let

you drink all of those cleaners and poisons? Why? (He falls on his knees and starts

crying.) WHY! (Picks up another jar labeled Mona.) Oh mom, I want you to know that

I'm sorry the way I acted before you died. (Picks up another jar labeled Frank Grimes.)

Grimey, I really want your son to stop trying to kill me. (A spear flies through his window

and misses him.)

Frank Grimes Jr.: I MISSED AGAIN! How do I keep missing such a big target?

(Meanwhile on Macto cognatus.)

Bob: This plan took longer than I would have hoped for, I mean why didn't anyone tell

me that the Dadabans were so vicious? One of those runts nearly ate my leg!

Malthius: Yes I know, but then again no one mentioned that Burns would go and make

secret alliances with several trading corporations in exchange for NOT raiding their

convoys.

Lith'mar: I still can't believe that that arrogant rat faced idiot Albion got to the Peruses

arm pirates before us, he didn't even bother to kill their leader REGARDLESS whether or

not he was willing to surrender, look I have to make a call, (Goes off to a closet.) if you

here yelling don't worry, I'm not killing anyone. (She turns on a holoprojector and calls

Kaos.)

Kaos: Lith'mar my child, how have things gone?

Lith'mar: Fine until you sent that airhead Albion!

Kaos: Look I thought we weren't going to have this conversation again.

Lith'mar: Well to bad! I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE AND I WANT HIM OUT NOW!

Kaos: Look Burns has already met him, and also Blazkowicz.

Lith'mar: You can't be serious, that muscle bound oaf? It's a wonder that guy can't fight

his way out of a bag, why those two even hang out do is another matter entirely.

Kaos: Look you have no say as to who goes where and when, look unless you can provide

some concrete evidence that Albion and Blazkowicz are incompetent, I will put them

both in cold storage.

Lith'mar: Do you really mean it this time? You're not just pulling my hoof are you? I still

remember the last time that happened (Cringes.) I still can't believe that I let that Zealot

into the ships reactor core.

Kaos: What? There never was a last time, and what do you mean letting a Zealot into the

reactor core?

Lith'mar: Erm… it's a long story, but it's part of the reason I loathe Albion as much as I

do.

Kaos: Somehow I think it would be better if I didn't know about it right away.

Lith'mar: Agreed, now I have to go, (Turns off the holoprojector and leaves the closet.)

now the where were we?

Bob: We were going to start a coup on this planet.

Lith'mar: Right, the coup agiants the 'Vadam hierarchs. Now then does every one

remember their parts?

Boll'shav: We have gone over this plan a thousand times over! Either we start the

revolution now or not at all!

Bob: Okay I get it, now then, Malthius, Lith'mar, Boll'shav. You three will infiltrate the

hierarchs citadel, then you assassinate them.

Boll'shav: (Sarcastically.) Oh joy, over five hundred long years of needless strife are about to end, I mean all this time it was as simple as walking through the front door and driving a knife through their skulls. WHAT ARE YOU NUTS! It isn't that simple, nobody and I mean NOBODY is allowed inside of that fortress, except for monks of course and, (Pauses for a moment.) then again, this might be easier than I thought.

(Several hours later, Lith'mar, Malthius and Boll'shav are dressed in purple robes at the front door to the citadel, the guards try to keep them out.)

Guard 1: Halt! No one is allowed within the citadel!

Malthius: But we are monks, how is it that we are not allowed in?

Guard 2: Very well, if you say you are monks that's good enough for me,

(Guard 1 and 2 both let down their spears.)

Guard 1 and 2: Enter.

(The three of them enter into the citadel, the interior is massive and bares strong resembles to the interior of the Hagia Sophia, the headquarters of USR from I, Robot, and much of the interior of High Charity from Halo 2.)

Boll'shav: I don't believe this, for five centuries we had to fight for so much as a food

crumb just to survive, meanwhile the men that have lead our people for generations prior

have been spoiling themselves, WHILE WE STARVE AND FREEZE ON THE

OUTSIDE!

Lith'mar: Why does this not surprise me in the least?

Malthius: Quiet you two; I think we just blew out cover.

(An absurd number of guards come out of no were, spears, blades and guns drawn, and

several tanks come up to them.)

Lith'mar: (Ignites her plasma swords.) What ever gave you an idea like that?

Mlathius: (Pulls out a plasma shotgun.) Call it a hunch.

Boll'shav: (Pulls out a giant plasma machine gun.) Well, sorry about blowing our cover,

but let's be fair, and give these thralls a one minute head start to run with their tails

between their legs!

(Meanwhile one Earth.)

Seraph: Marge, Homer, I have a paper from school I need you to sign.

Marge: Oh what's it for?

Seraph: It's for a surprise field trip.

Marge: How is it a surprise field trip if you know about it?

Seraph: Where it's going to is a surprise, that's how it's a surprise field trip. Now just sign

it.

Marge: Yes but where is it going to?

Seraph: That's the whole point, nobody but the school board knows where it is going to

be, now will you just sign this paper?

Marge: Seraph you know I can't sign a paper without a proper incentive.

Seraph: Okay, can you PLEASE sign this paper?

Marge: Of course why not? (She signs the paper.)

Homer: I don't know, they usually want you to pay money for these sort of things.

Seraph: It's free.

Homer: I still don't know.

Seraph: I'll give you a large cheese wheel and a giant slab of salt pork if you sign this.

Homer: DEAL! (He signs the paper.) Now where is the cheese and pork?

Seraph: You're going to have to wait seventy-two months in advance.

Homer: D'oh!

Seraph: Just keep your mind off of it, maybe watch some TV like you always do.

Homer: (Turns on the TV.) Done and done.

Seraph: If Bart and Lisa act like they don't know about this, don't bring it up altogether

they might a bit nosy.

(Later that night.)

Marge: So kids are excited for your surprise fieldtrip?

Bart: Oh! Not another fieldtrip to the box factory.

Lisa: Wait a minute there was nothing in the newsletter about a surprise field trip.

Marge: There wasn't?

Homer: There wasn't?

Bart: There wasn't?

Lisa: Yes there wasn't who told you about this anyway?

Marge: Well Seraph of course, I mean why would she lie to me?

Lisa: (With restrained emotions and in monotone.) Good point, where she anyway?

Marge: We dropped her off at the spaceport half an hour ago.

Lisa: I see, Mom, if this were a field-trip wouldn't there be more than one person

involved?

Marge: well she did say that the chaperon was there first, and that the students would

come later.

Lisa: Of course, where is this field-trip on anyway?

Marge: Seraph said it was on a planet called Katarn II or something.

Lisa: I see, did you buy more than one ticket?

Marge: (Cheerfully she pulls two tickets out of her bag.) Of course I did.

Lisa: Yes, why don't we pack up for the trip now?

Marge: Sure why not? (She goes up stairs to pack.)

Bart: WooHoo! We get to go to another planet this year! (He gives a bizarre look at Lisa.)

Lisa why were you acting so suspicious?

Lisa: Well for one thing it seems odd that no one would say anything about a field-trip,

and two I think these implants have temporarily robbed me of the ability to feel emotions

and cry.

Bart: Really?

Lisa: Yes I'm pretty sure.

Bart: What makes you think that anyway?

Lisa: Well for starters I'm thinking about what happened to Maggie and Snowball I,

there's nothing there.

Bart: (Cringes.) OH, don't remind me about what happened to them.

(Meanwhile on Macto cognatus.)

Boll'shav: We have been fighting for over seventeen hours now, and STILL the guards

keep coming.

Lith'mar: Oh shut up, it's only about another five minutes to the throne room.

Boll'shav: Well that's easy for you to say, I don't know how you're holding up so well but

I am just too tired to continue. (He lies down for a moment, and then Malthius promptly

picks him up.)

Malthius: Look either we kill the Hierarchs now or they WILL NEVER die, is that what

you want from the rest of our people?

Boll'shav: (Sighs.) I guess not, okay, (Is let down.) they know we are here, so let's make

this hard and loud!

Lith'mar: Alright then, (Starts to form what looks like bubble in her hands.) GET DOWN!

(Show hurls the ball into a massive ornate door, and then it shatters.)

Malthius: Lith'mar, you never told me you were an Essence sensitive.

Lith'mar: Well, it's kind of a LONG story, but we need to focus on killing the Hierarchs.

(The three of them enter into the room only to find a giant overweight 'Vadam sitting in

the middle of the room.)

Malthius: You can't be serious, for five hundred years our people have been ruled by

THAT THING!

Hierarch: (Struggling to talk.) Welcome… my child… I see you have gotten past my

guards, impressive to say the least.

Boll'shav: You don't know the half of it, who are you anyway?

Hor-Uss: You do not know my name? Very well my name is Hor-Uss, Lord of the

'Vadam, and ruler of Macto cognatus. Who are you three who have come into my

sanctuary so rudely?

Boll'shav: My name is Boll'shav Isk.

Lith'mar: I am Lith'mar Ith-Linona.

Malthius: And I am Malthius Lood.

Hor-Uss: So the Loods have returned.

Malthius: Why come back? You exiled my family in the first place.

Hor-Uss: No the courts were tied up at the time, mostly why I have cut myself off from the public.

Boll'shav: Now then, what exactly happened to you?

Hor-Uss: Shortly after the Telkines sent the Dxun Kidney stones, I ate them ALL in under five minutes. (The three of them look at him.) Look the other Hierarchs at the time dared me to do it, in retrospect that was a VERY bad idea, so why are you up here?

Lith'mar: To kill you of course.

Hor-Uss: (Sighs.) I knew that closing myself off was a bad idea. I am defenseless feel free

to make the blow.

Boll'shav: (Awkwardly.) Eh, okay? (Walks up to him, he nudges Hor-Uss slightly, then

HE vomits violently, then he begins to suffocate and die.) Well, that was easier than I

thought.

Lith'mar: I'll say, well best not to leave empty handed. (Ignites her plasma sword and

gives it to Boll'shav.) Feel free to sever his head, you know as proof that he's dead.

Boll'shav: (Sighs.) Okay fine, but only because I can't think of anything more sadistic to

do to him. (Severs Hor-Uss head with the plasma sword, then gives the sword to Lith'mar.) Here's your blade back banshee, now let's get out of here, there's a good chance that Bob thinks that were dead. I wouldn't put it past that shizno to jump to conclusions.

Malthius: When don't they make reckless decisions?


	17. Chapter 17

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 17

(Meanwhile on a starliner to the planet Katarn II.)

Seraph: (Stretching.) Ah it's so nice to finally get away from the unholy noises and stenches of Earth, It's nice to finally have some peace and quiet and, (Notices Bart, Lisa, and Kirk sitting next to her.) oh no.

Lisa: (Rather stuck up.) Hello, Seraph.

Kirk: (Imitating Lisa.) Hello, Sierra? No wait, I know this, Cheyenne? Saxophone?

Xylophone? Ann Hayden-Jones husband Pip? Spam? Corn holder? Ashley? **Snips?**

Ashley E. Walrustitty? My mother? Wait were am I and why is it so dark outside?

Bart: Were on a space ship stupid.

Kirk: Right and I have a one dived dent; I have a one number IQ.

Seraph: What are you three doing on here?

Lisa: Following you of course.

Seraph: No I mean why did you bring Kirk?

Lisa: Oh he threatened to play a song he wrote called "Bong Voyage".

Kirk: What do you mean threaten? I offered to play that song.

Lisa: Of course you did, anyway we followed you here to get some answers.

Seraph: Okay fine, I was going to frame Kirks death on the janitor but he out sick when I

killed Kirk.

Lisa: No not that, it's why you lied to Mom and Dad about a field trip.

Seraph: (Sighs.) Alright, it was an excuse to get a transfer to an off planet private school.

Bart: And the school is on the planet were going to right?

Seraph: No the trip to Katarn II is so I can get some, special equipment of a supernatural

nature.

Lisa: You can't be serious.

Seraph: Oh but I am, I'll explain as soon as I get it.

Lisa: No, you are going to tell us RIGHT NOW!

Seraph: Look it's another twelve hours to Katarn, either you wait or I'm not going to tell

you altogether, and besides what makes you think I'll tell Kirk anything?

Kirk: Tell me what?

(Meanwhile on Macto cognatus, Mlathius, Lith'mar and Boll'shav are twelve hours away

from getting out of the Hierarchs citadel.)

Malthius: (Panting.) I am not going any further, until I get some rest. (He collapses.)

Boll'shav: Agreed, (He collapses.) we need to rest.

Lith'mar: Correction, YOU TWO need to rest, I'll continue on ahead. (She quickly darts

down a flight of stairs.)

(Malthius and Boll'shav quickly regain their standing and continue to trudge on.)

Boll'shav: Honestly Malthius what do you see in that banshee?

Malthius: What do you think? She may be psychotic, but let's face it all of our females are

insane, but she has this. I don't know this kind mystic aura around her.

Boll'shav: Your attracted to Essence users? Here I thought you were just a poser ladies'

man.

Malthius: I was never a poser nor a ladies man, and besides aren't you at least remotely

curious as to why we haven't encountered any guards since you killed Hor-Uss?

Boll'shav: Technically I didn't kill him, I just have him a nudge on his belly, and then he

choked himself to death on his own vomit.

Malthius: (Cringes.) Don't remind me, (Notices some guards walking calmly towards

them.) ah I was beginning to wonder what became of them. (Takes out his plasma shot

gun.)

(The guards then abruptly stop then kneel before them.)

Boll'shav: Eh, so you want us to kill you now or?

Guard 1: Not unless we have failed you in some way, have we failed you Lord Boll'shav

Isk?

Boll'shav: Did you just call me what I think you called me?

Guard 1: Yes lord Boll'shav, you are now the ruler of Macto cognatus, your will is law,

and your wish is our command, tis as the guards code commands. "He who slays a

Hierarch becomes a Hierarch, and shall have your undying loyalty until the end of all."

Boll'shav: Okay, what's the fastest way to the ground floor?

Guard 1: Why it is that door over there (Points to a door marked "Elevator.") why do you

ask?

Boll'shav: Eh, no reason, (He and Malthius walk into the elevator, it then begin to

descend.) why didn't anyone know about this?

Malthius: Well nobody but monks have come in or out of here, they have always been

very secretive as well.

(The elevator then stops at the ground floor, DIRECTLY next to the front door; Lith'mar

then jumps out of nowhere.)

Lith'mar: How did you two get down here so fast?

Malthius: There was an elevator next to the front door.

Lith'mar: You can't be serious, we just spent SEEVENTEEN hours slaughtering our way

up to the Hierarchs chamber, and there was an elevator next to the door?

Malthius: Believe me were as surprised as you are, now let's get back to Bob. He

probably thinks that we are dead right now.

Lith'mar: Good point, let's go, (They leave the citadel, several minutes later they arrive at

a makeshift funeral and Bob is at the podium.) Bob you stooge were not dead yet!

Bob: OH! Your back! Did everything go according to plan?

Boll'shav: Not in the slightest, (Tosses Hor-Uss's severed head into Bob's hands.) you

didn't send the reinforcements.

Bob: Oh come on, isn't the fact that, whoever this alien is, is dead all that matters?

Malthius: You don't get it do you? It took us over seventeen hours to get to the Hierarch

chambers, and another five to realize that there was an elevator that goes straight up.

Bob: You weren't paying attention during the briefing were you?

(Meanwhile on a star liner on route to Katarn II.)

Space line attendant: Attention passengers, due to a bizarre spatial anomaly, we will be arriving at Katarn II twelve hours sooner than scheduled.

Lisa: (Rather smug.) Hm, looks like we'll be getting our answers sooner than expected.

Seraph: Right, don't get cocky! Look I'll tell you just about everything AFTER I get what

I came for.

Kirk: OH COME ON! You promised us we would get there in twelve hours!

Bart: Don't worry Kirk; you can take a dirt nap when we get there.

Kirk: Oh goodie! I'm going to get hit over the head with a shovel again!

(Fifteen minutes later, and they are in the middle of a jungle similar to the landscape of Pandora in the movie Avatar.)

Seraph: The jungles on this planet have grown restless since I was here last.

Bart: What do you mean since the last time you were here?

Seraph: Well, I came here when I was nine and, I sort of severed my connection to the

Essence.

Lisa: (Rather snotty.) Yeah right, and I was the princess of Wales.

Seraph: Lisa, I'm well aware that you have a hard time accepting the supernatural, but I do not have to put up with your sarcasm just because you don't believe my words, and besides I know for a fact that there is no such thing as a "Princess of Wales." It's just something you made up to annoy me, like how you thought I made up the Essence.

Kirk: Didn't I ask before to get eaten? (A creature that looks like Edgar the bug from "Men and Black" comes out of nowhere and promptly eats him in one giant bite, Kirk then reappears from underneath a tree.) Well I did ask for it.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer and Grunchy are at Moe's tavern.)

Homer: Moe I've got ask you something.

Moe: What is now Homer? Look if it involves a harebrained scheme, I want seventy five

percent of whatever you make.

Homer: No nothing like that, (Whispers.) do you know where I can get a, you know, a

clone?

Moe: What? Homer why are you whispering?

Homer: Look Moe I'm just asking If, you know there somewhere I can get one or more,

Moe what I'm trying to ask is, you know that Scottish professor that did, something to a

sheep named. (He is interrupted by Grunchy.)

Grunchy: Are you trying to ask him if you can get a clone?

Homer: NO! Okay something like that, but is it legal on Earth?

Grunchy: Homer, as long as it is not seen by the law or the light of day, everything and I

mean EVERYTHING is legal on this rock.

Moe: Really? So, and I'm just spit-balling here, as long as it is not by day, and the cops

aren't looking I can, oh I don't know, us this place to smuggle dangerous explosives for

lots and lots of money?

Grunchy: Yes but the government would figure out what you're doing here rather quickly,

believe me they ALLWAYS figure out if you're doing something illegal.

Moe: So it isn't alright to do?

Grunchy: No, I mean you can do something like explosive smuggling, for about a year or

so. But eventually the FBI catches wind of what's going on, then the Telkines take over

the whole thing and, either exile or kill the offender out right, anyway Homer I think that

there is cloning lab on the other side of town, unless of course a protest group has already

torn down the entire thing.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems, in a hall very much like the ceremony hall from Star

Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, and the Mausoleum of the Arbiter from Halo 2.)

Mr. Burns: Bob Terwilligar Jr. for your masterful work on Macto cognatus and Monachus

frigus, (Ignites a plasma cutlass, and then knights him.) I hereby permanently promote

you to, grand admiral of the "Wrath of Kaos Fleet" or the WKF for short.

Bob: I am honored my liege, I shall carry this honor with pride and dignity, now let's all

get drunk and play ping pong!

Pirate Crowd: HAZAA!

Juor-Mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sounds like a spanked baby.)

Malthius: I can't believe it either, WE do all the heavy work, and he gets all the credit for

it. (He grunts in frustration.) I detest humans SO much right now that you wouldn't

believe it.

Juor-Mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sounds like a strangled goose.)

Malthius: You and I both know that's not a real number, but I get your point, BOTH of

them have egos the size of a gas giant, I wonder if Lith'mar is doing anything on Saturday

night?

Lith'mar: (She walks on scene.) Malthius, I have to do something, I'm not proud of it, it's

against my better judgment, and I don't approve of it in anyway what so ever, but it's

something I have to do. (She walks off scene with a glowing blue syringe.)

Malthius: It isn't going to happen on Saturday is it!

Lith'mar: No, but I might be preoccupied then.

Malthius: Frack! I thought I was finally going to go on a date with her too.

(Bob, walks off into a room away from the applauding crowd, Lith'mar then goes into the

same room after him.)

Bob: Lith'mar what are you doing in here!

Lith'mar: It's a long story, (Pulls out the glowing syringe.) but a "friend" of mine wants

this thing tested. (She jams the syringe into Bob's jugular vein.)

Bob: (Squawking wildly in pain.) What do you think you're doing, GAH! IT FEELS

LIKE MY BRAIN IS BEING TURNED IN SIDE OUT! (He yells loudly in pain.)

Lith'mar: Yeah I remember the first time I was injected with this stuff, I can still

remember how painful it was, believe me what I'm giving you is at least half as potent as

the stuff I took, I mean that stuff was blood red and there were whispers and echoes

emanating from its syringe for some very weird reason. (Bob begins to foam at the mouth

and fall over backwards.) Hmm, I may have over did it a little, meh, humans are

expendable. (She notices Malthius standing right behind her.)

Malthius: Please tell me whatever you injected that glory hunting shizno with was some

sort of toxin.

Lith'mar: Not as such no, but he should be unconscious for several hours. Now what is it

that you want? Is this about that date you wanted again?

Malthius: Oh no, no, yes, yes this is about the date again.

Lith'mar: (Sighs.) You're not going to relent on that till I give in are you? (Malthius

shakes his head in a snaking motion.) I thought so, I should be available until he regains

conciseness, which hopefully will be a very long time.

Malthius: Agreed, we could meet in my quarters on the Walrus, want to meet there?

Lith'mar: Sure why not?

Malthius: What did you inject him with anyway?

Lith'mar: Eh, I'd tell you but I think you would hate me for it.

(Meanwhile on Katarn II, Bart, Lisa, Seraph and that idiot that keeps following them are

at a cave.)

Lisa: What the heck is in there?

Seraph: Only what you take with you, so leave everything behind.

Kirk: Right! (He begins to take off his cloths.) Time to get into my birthday suit!

Seraph: (She jams her hunting knife into Kirks heart, then he explodes in an exaggerated

explosion.) OH NO YOUR NOT! Look, just follow me, if you dare to face your worst

nightmare.

Bart: Wh-Whats that?

Seraph: What are you asking me for? I don't know what your worst fear is, I have an

inkling as to what it may be, but no idea specifically! So stop your internal griping and

follow me, if you are brave enough. (They enter the cave, Kirk then reappears out of

nowhere and begins savagely cleaning up after his blown up remains.) I know what you

two are thinking, and yes I wish he would stop doing that to.

(A few minutes later.)

Lisa: (Panting.) I still can't believe we got this far.

Seraph: Yes I forgot how viscous that shizno was, (Holds up a dead face hugger from the

Alien movies.) anyway let's move before more of these things show up.

Bart: You can't be serious, MORE!

Seraph: Yes, these things bred like rats and there twice as disgusting.

Lisa: Is that why you keep calling humans you don't like shiznos?

Seraph: That and why almost every other alien in the galaxy calls your kind shizno.

Lisa: Yes but why?

Seraph: It's a very sensitive subject, but let's just say that at least twelve hundred years

ago every major alien race in the galaxy pitched to help your kind when it was needed

most, and you vermin just dismissed the whole thing it like it never happened, and

considered everyone else crazy and inferior for it.

Bart: Really?

Seraph: Yes, if you want to know more, ask Sheila when you get back home I'm rather

tired; also the sound of your voices is growing irritating.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer and Grunchy are at forty nine level building the middle of

the desert.)

Homer: Grunchy why are these labs always in the middle of some desert?

Grunchy: It adds a sort of atmosphere to the lab itself, that and possibly an excuse to have

the AC cranked up so high; you wouldn't believe how refreshing that feels in the desert.

(They both enter, and they are greeted by a robot that looks like a cross between and Ohm

bot, and Orlok the Eternal from "Universe at War: Earth Assault.")

Robot: I am sorry sirs, we are not currently accepting offers from door to door salesmen

at this time, (It begins to close leave.) or any time for that matter now go away.

Homer: Wait I'm not a door to door salesman! (The robot pauses.) Not anymore anyway.

Grunchy: You were a door to door salesman?

Homer: NOT anymore, look I want you to do some, you know where you take a DNA

sample from.

Grunchy: He wants to know if you do cloning, what is your designation anyway?

Ion: My designation is Ion, and, wait who sent you?

Grunchy: We came out of our own accord, can you do cloning or not?

Ion: Yes, we can, walk this way. (He walks into the lab, he shows a bizarre and hilarious

stride in his step similar to John Cleese in the "Ministry of Silly Walks Sketch" from

Monty Python's Flying Circus, Homer imitates Ion.) Sir what are you doing?

Homer: Well you said "walk this way."

Ion: (An awkward pause.) Why do I never see these things coming? Look just follow me,

(Walks normally.) And don't imitate my posture!

Homer: He said "walk this way."

Grunchy: Oh shut up you Kwyjibo impersonator.

(Meanwhile at headquarters of **T**elkine **F**ellowship **I**nterplanetary **D**efense **F**orce **L**imited.

Armss'rij is STILL pulling random junk out of his armpits when he gets a call.)

Armss'rij: Look if this is another telemarketing scam I will hunt your superiors down and

sentence your entire firm to the Gra'toa arena!

Meem: Sir it's me captain Meem.

Armss'rij: OH! Sorry, how has your mission been going?

Meem: Worse than usual sir.

Armss'rij: What do you mean?

Meem: I mean, we failed in preventing the pirate from capturing Macto cognatus and Monachus frigus, and on top of that you never sent the fleet that you promised to protect both worlds.

Armss'rij: Now wait captain I can explain that, I have somehow found a landfill in my armpits, so my hands have been tied up getting all of the trash out, wait why didn't you bother to intervene?

Meem: I was trying to infiltrate Kaos, but I got sidetracked by a task that Burns gave me.

Armss'rij: What was it?

Meem: To find a fish and a shovel.

Armss'rij: You can't be serious, you got sidetracked by getting a fish AND a shovel!

Meem: Look the shovel I got easy, but I had a nightmare getting the Njord sturgeon.

Armss'rij: You tried to get a female sturgeon didn't you?

Meem: Yes I did, anyways I did manage to get into Kaos, despite my poorly assembled

disguise.

Armss'rij: You weren't Emme again were you?

Meem: (Sighs in failure.) Yes milord, I did go under Emme.

Armss'rij: Normally I would sentence goof balls like you to the Gra'toa arena for that kind

of stupidity, but since it worked this time I'll let it slide, for now anyway.

Meem: OH thank you sir, you are indeed merciful.

Armss'rij: Don't push your luck Meem! It looks like we will have to try another tactic,

we'll have to outsmart this Burns guy, and there's one Telkine in the entire galaxy who

could nail this.

Meem: ONE Telkine? We'll find anyone sir!

Armss'rij: He was the most brilliant warrior and tactician I ever had the honor to fight

beside, we fought in the Fellowship-Colonial war together, but he's retired now he's a

high school principle on Earth.

Meem: What's his name sir?

Armss'rij: His name was Thel Andúril.

Meem: Andúril as in!

Armss'rij: The re-forged sword Narsil in J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

Meem: Where will I find him?

Armss'rij: Last I've heard from he and his family moved to a small town on Earth, you

know the Chrono Dome that recently dissolved last July?

Meem: You mean the one that inadvertently destroyed all civilization on Earth in the

early 21st century?

Armss'rij: The same, why do you ask? Every Novus on Telchine knows of the Chrono

Dome.

Meem: I was just curious; I'll leave for Earth as soon as possible, just after I give Burns

the stupid shovel and fish.

Armss'rij: Very well, sign off, and make sure you get a better disguise then Emme. (He

turns off the phone, then he continues to pull random trash out of his armpits.)

(Meanwhile on Katarn II, Bart, Lisa, and Seraph are in a room with a ten story tall gem in

the middle of the room.)

Bart: Lisa what do you think that is?

Seraph: Let me show you, (Walks slowly towards the gem then reaches out for it.)

Lisa: Seraph what are you doing?

Seraph: (She touches the gem, a low hum beings to emit from it.) Reclaiming what I

should have been. (A bright green glow emits from the gem, then a lukewarm wind picks

up and the light starts to swirl upwards, like in "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the

King" when the Mordor host leaves Minas Morgul.)

Kirk: (Walks in suddenly.) Guys I don't think that the rock is going to try and run away,

(Notices the swirling lights.) nice light show, why didn't anyone tell me there was going

to be a concert in a cave in the middle of a largely uncharted alien planet? I would have

brought my lighter and put on my good makeup and my mother's underwear.

Bart: Okay THAT I didn't want to know about you.

Kirk: What that I'm a transvestite?

Bart: Yes, yes that I didn't want to know.

Seraph: (She begins to ascend slowly halfway up the gem.) I never thought that I would

be doing this again. (The winds begin to whip wildly, and then ghostly whispers start to

emanating from the gem.)

Kirk: SO BEAUTIFUL! (His head explodes into a, big goopy mess.)

(A massive shockwave suddenly occurs, and then Seraph falls to the ground like a lifeless

corpse.)

Lisa: Seraph? (She and Bart run to her.) Seraph, are you alright!

Seraph: (Dazed and with a very sick look on her face.) I have never felt, better. (She

vomits.) Believe me this happened the last time I was here.

Bart: What exactly did you just do anyway?

Seraph: What do you think I just did?

Lisa: Well you did just blow up Kirks head, again.

(Kirk re-spawns out of nowhere, and starts to savagely devour his own remains.)

Seraph: No besides that.

Bart: Made a giant boom with the crystal?

Seraph: NO! Look I'll save you the embarrassment of not knowing what I did.

Bart: (Whips sweat off of his forehead.) Whew! That was a close one.

Lisa: Look, just tell us what you did, and how it is related to your transfer.

Seraph: To put it bluntly, I have reconnected to the Essence.

Lisa: (Sarcastically.) Right, as a skeptic I find that hard to believe.

Seraph: As a Twi'gruta who has seen and heard of just about everything imaginable, I find

it very hard to believe that you've managed to live for as long as you have despite your

skepticism. Now if you don't mind I have to test if that gem really did restore my

connection, (She cracks her knuckles, then telekinetically lifts Kirk up, and then slams

him through a stalagmite.) everything seems to be in working order. (She walks off.) Well

it's off to Mimban IV for me!

(Half an hour later.)

Seraph: Lisa for the final time, a powerful gust of wind had nothing to do with Kirk

getting impaled on that stalagmite! It had everything to do with the Essence!

Lisa: (Sarcastically.) Yeah sure, and pigs can fly, (She is being telekinetically strangled by

Seraph.) GAH!

Seraph: Okay, let's get our facts straight shall we? First off, there is a species of swine on

Telchine that can fly, that's not really relevant right now but I just wanted to make that

clear. Two, there is such a thing as the Essence! If there isn't then explain to me why

you're a foot off the ground, and don't answer me with. "Unusual wind patterns" we spent

the last half hour arguing about that and I don't want it to continue, GOT IT SHIZNO!

(Lisa is suffocating under her telekinetic grip.) Blink if you understand, (Lisa blinks.) fair

enough for me, (She drives her waist high into the ground.) now then, come with me if

you want to know more about me, and yes Lisa I know I told you my life story a week

after I moved in. But if you want to know the things I didn't tell you then you're free to

come.

Bart: Meh, it's a three day weekend, and we've got a LOT of time to kill, so yes we will

come.

Seraph: Despite my better judgment I'll allow it, but you two have to be on your best

behavior, or else there's a good chance you will be forced into a super soldier program.

Lisa: (Struggling out of the dirt.) Is that even legal?

Seraph: Believe me Governments do just about anything, regardless whether or not it's

legal, to answer your question, no it isn't legal, but they'll cover up the whole thing and

make it look like neither of you exist.

Lisa: With that in mind what do we do with Kirk?

(Kirk wanders out of nowhere, and clothes are all torn and his left arm is missing, then

Seraph promptly throws a sharp rock at his head and he falls over dead, then he re-spawns

and eats his corpse like a starved animal.)

Seraph: Send him back to Earth, in the smallest crate we can fit him in.

Bart: Agreed, (He gets a small box then shoves Kirk into it, then rushes to mail it and

accidentally mails it to Mimban IV.) mission accomplished!


	18. Chapter 18

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 18

(Meanwhile on Earth, at the cloning lab.)

Homer: So, you can bring my daughter, my mother, and my best friend back to life right?

Ion: That depends; do you have four million credits?

Homer:** WHAT!**

Ion: Just kidding, seriously cloning costs about one hundred credits per subject.

Homer: **WHAT!**

Grunchy: He's asking for three hundred credits, look I'll give you the three hundred

credits.

Homer: **WHAT!**

Grunchy: Will you please stop doing that? It's getting very old, very fast.

Homer: **WHAT!**

Grunchy: Look here's the three hundred credits, (Gives the credits to Ion.) and try to make

him stop!

Homer: **WHAT!**

Ion: I have an idea as to how to make him be silent, but it is simply downright immoral,

and not approved by any government, religion, or medical specialist, and I'll probably get

turned into scrap metal for doing it, but I believe it can work.

Homer: **WHAT!**

Grunchy: What is it what is it!

Ion: Why, it is simple as, (Pulls out a two by four.) whacking him over the head with a

two by four. (Whacks Homer over the head with the two by four.)

Homer: **OW!** What did you do that for!

Ion: You were getting very annoying, now do you want these template cloned or not?

Homer: Yes, but were, am I going to get four million credits on such short notice?

Ion: IT WAS A JOKE! It's really three hundred credits, now will you be paying me, or do

I have to hit you over the head again?

Homer: NO! No of course not, I have the three hundred credits. (He gives Ion the credits.)

Ion: Thank you for your cooperation, Professor Sal-Lrack please report to the cloning lab.

(A humanoid alien, covered in a series of thorn like growths on his chin and arms, enters

thru an elevator.)

Pro. Sal-Lrack: Yes what is it?

Ion: Sir this human wishes to purchase three clones from three separate templates.

(Meanwhile on a starliner to Mimban IV.)

Lisa: Bart why didn't you do anything when Seraph strangled me!

Bart: Lisa if there's one thing I've learned about girls, never intervene when their trying to

kill each other.

Lisa: Good point, but you could have at least told her to stop it.

Bart: True, but it was a nice change of pace that someone other than me that gets

strangled, and besides we both know what happened the last time I tried to intervene in a

catfight.

Lisa: Yeah, (Sighs.) and I thought the prom in the movie Carrie ended in tragedy.

Bart: (Sniffles.) Don't remind me, (Starts to cry.) Oh Greta, why did you and Jasmine go

on that psychotic rampage then jump into the school boiler! **WHY!** (He breaks out into

sobbing.)

Lisa: Bart I told you before the prom to tell them that you were dating the two of them.

Bart: Yes but why didn't you tell me sooner than that?

Lisa: I told you over two months BEFORE the prom!

Bart: Look you and I both know I'm not a good listener or good at remembering things,

were is Seraph anyway?

Lisa: She went to the bathroom about five minute ago.

Bart: Like I said I'm not good at remembering things.

(Seraph enters the scene.)

Seraph: Sorry it took so long, there was a long line, and I accidentally went to the cockpit.

Star line attendant: Attention passengers, due to a spatial anomaly we will be arriving at

Mimban IV ahead of schedule.

Lisa: Do any of these spatial anomalies seem weird to you?

Seraph: Here I thought I was the only one who even noticed, but we can worry about that

latter.

(20 minutes later, Bart, Lisa, and Seraph are on a planet very much like a cross between

Naboo and Dantooine from Star Wars.)

Lisa: Wow, this planet is beautiful.

Bart: I'll say, look flying manta rays! (He points at a flock flying manta rays.)

Seraph: Well, I'm going to myself registered, hopefully my old dorm isn't being used, or

for that matter Zaar running around campus naked babbling mindlessly about the demon

rabbits again, and that crazed janitor talking to his mop with plans for opening a chain of

Quetzal themed restaurants, and I'm seriously hoping that Behavior Core, Appendage 5,

and Tom-800 aren't still here.

Lisa: You do that, wait what do you mean crazed janitor? And who's Zaar?

Seraph: Well the janitor was once the grand master of the Lukus order, but when he took

over the regular janitor's nightshift he slowly went insane, now he argues with his mop

about the meaning of life and believes in elves.

Bart: Somehow that sounds like out janitor.

Seraph: Willy may have been Scottish but they aren't ALL drunk, lazy and stupid, but let's

face it that sounds very much like your species in general. As for Zaar, he was a Quetzal.

Lisa: What is a Quetzal?

Seraph: There a humanoid species native the jungle world of Montezuma, very much like

your people except, they grown these long, thorn like growths in various parts of their

bodies, like there face and arms and, dagger like fingers and toes.

Lisa: So there like birds?

Seraph: No, but they do make a loud screech when angered, much like nails down a

chalkboard, or our classroom that time when we had that substitute teacher who just sat

there and did nothing all day but just sitting in his chair staring into blank space not give a

shiznos gluteus about the noise level, EVERY ONE USING ME FOR SCARING

PRACTICE, **I TELL YOU BOTH THE TRUTH, ONE DAY I WILL HAVE THE **

**HEADS OF **_**ALL**_** OF THOSE VERMIN ON PIKES FOR EVERY VILE HEARTED **

**PUSS BAG IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY TO SEE!**

Bart: Your never going to get over what happened on Tuesday, are you?

Seraph: That and every day after that?

Lisa: Is that why you lied to mom about the fieldtrip?

Seraph: Something like that, but considering the strict rules here I may never get around

to that, and besides I don't really have anything against either of you, apart from that fiasco in July I haven't got anything against you.

Bart: Then why bother coming here? I mean it's a nice looking world, but let's face there's no planet in the universe like Earth am I right?

Seraph: As always Bart, no your wrong your just used to living on that rock, now if you'll excuse me I have to register for attendance, you can bother some of the school staff or.

(Notices Bart and Lisa running off, she then sighs in irritation.) Something tells me I'm going to regret this in the long run.

(Meanwhile, in the Tortuga systems.)

Mr. Burns: (He and Smithers rush into his office and puts numerous locks on the door.) Quick Smithers! We need to plan our invasion of Earth before another interruption comes up!

Mr. Smithers: YES SIR! (There is an ammonias knock at the door.) Drat, and we almost had a record for avoiding these things. (He cautiously opens the door.)

Albion: Do you have any Njord mucus or Kwijibo sweat? It's for a prank I'm planning to pull on Lith'mar.

Mr. Smithers: No now go away. (Slams the door on him, there's another knock on the door, he opens it and finds Bob with foam seeping out of his mouth.)

Bob: Smithers have you seen Lith'mar anywhere? I have to talk to her about something.

Mr. Smithers: Does it have something to do with your foaming?

Bob: No duh, never mind I'll find her myself. (He leaves.)

Mr. Smithers: Sir I can't take this anymore. (There's another knock at the door.)

Mr. Burns: Wait Smithers! Don't open that door! (Mr. Smithers opens the door anyway;

Blazkowicz is dressed like a girl scout for some bizarre and disturbing reason.) I told you

not to open the door!

Blazkowicz: Would like some Icelandic honey?

Mr. Smithers: THERES NO SUCH THING! (Slams the door, there's yet ANOTHER

knock on the door.)

Mr. Burns: Smithers DON'T DO IT!

(Mr. Smithers opens the door anyway, Meem err, and I mean Emme barges threw

carrying a shovel and what looks like a scarlet crocodile covered in green fins.)

Emme: Vello comrade Burns and comrade Smithers! I have returned with the shovel and

fish.

Mr. Burns: That monstrosity is a fish?

Emme: Yes, it's a sedated Njord Sturgeon, now vwhat did you want this veast?

Mr. Burns: Nothing I was just testing if you were dumb enough to follow my every order.

Emme: VWHAT!

Mr. Burns: You see, I need a patsy without any sort of free will, a mindless drone who

will eagerly carry out my every wish and or command.

Emme: (With his teeth clenched together.) You don't say, well comrade Burns, now that I

have gotten you shovel and vish, may I take shore leave?

Mr. Burns: Shore leave? Smithers what is this "shore leave"?

Mr. Smithers: It's basically another word for a vacation, except it only lasts for at least

three or four days.

Mr. Burns: Very well, you may go, but I'm not paying for expenses.

Emme: Da comrade! I can get my own accommodations; I have connections to major

governments across galaxy, besides my shore leave might be excellent time for a little,

espionage eh?

Mr. Burns: Excellent, go were you need to go, and bring back some juicy intelligence on

a silver platter.

Emme: I will bring intelligence on gold plate if I can find one! Do svidanya comrade

Burns (Opens the door to find Lith'mar.) GAH!

Lith'mar: SPY! Stand back my king! I shall remove this Telk scum! (She ignites her

plasma swords.)

Mr. Burns: Lith'mar what in the name of my ENORMUS wealth are you doing!

Lith'mar: I'm going to execute this Telkine slime right here! RIGHT NOW!

Emme: GAH! Save me comrades Smithers and Burns!

Lith'mar: Oh shut up you draco! AND TASTE DEATH!(She lunges a plasma sword at

Emme err, Meem but he darts away from her and runs off to the hanger, and he jumps

into a star fighter.)

Meem: Do svidanya comrades! Get rid of that deranged eel off this station while I'm

gone! (The star fighter flies off, it then goes into Q space ten miles in.)

Mr. Burns: Lith'mar you have a LOT of explaining to do? For starters why did you attack

Emme?

Lith'mar: Well for starters he's a Telkine spy badly disguised as a Russian pirate.

Mr. Burns: If you try anything like that again, I will have you thrown into a

BLACKHOLE!

Lith'mar: (Snarls in frustration.) SO BE IT! (She storms off.) But if he comes back here

and brings a pack of **FOA** troops and has a knife at your throat CRY TO THAT PANTY

WAIST ASSISTANT OF YOURS FOR HELP!

(Meanwhile on Earth, at the cloning lab.)

Homer: So Grunchy, how long have we had cloning?

Grunchy: This planet, about forty or fifty years now, the galaxy at large, roughly two

thousand years at best.

Homer: You mean we have had cloning for fifty years while everyone else gets in years

sooner? WHY!

Grunchy: Well the race that invented cloning thought you humans would be irresponsible with its usage, so they lied about its existence until at least 4959 when the whole thing leaked onto the Q-net, for seven very short seconds.

Homer: And?

Grunchy: Well just about everyone in the galaxy knew that cloning a sentient being was not only possible, but it could also be used as a method to cheat death, which was why it was kept secret in the first place.

Homer: Yeah that's nice, so doc how are my clones coming along?

Pro. Sal-Lrack: They should be ready in about a minute or so, in the meantime why don't

you?

Homer: BUT I WANT THEM NOW!

Pro. Sal-Lrack: Simpson if cloning was easy don't you think they would be here right now?

Homer: BUT I WANT THEM NOW!

Pro. Sal-Lrack: Don't make me get Ion to whack you over the head with the two by four

again.

Homer: Never mind, I can wait, BUT FOR HOW LONG!

Pro. Sal-Lrack: I already said one minute, now please be patient sir your sweating wildly.

Homer: (He is sweating wildly.) NO I'M NOT!

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Seraph is on her way to her old dorm room.)

Seraph: Now that I have re-registered for attendance at "Mimban's school for the light

side of the Essence" (Sighs.) Why I ever left this place I'll never know, besides the teasing I can barely remember why I left in the first place. (There is a knock on the door.) Hopefully that isn't one of them now, (She opens the door, a male Twi'gruta around her age is standing outside.) Daavas Majiac? Is that really you?

Daavas: The one and only, Seraph Ashla.

Seraph: Oh Daavas, you remembered me, (She hugs him.) we really should have talked more.

Daavas: Whoa hold your Dxun's! First things first, (Sniffs her, then his face turns green, then he put on a gas mask.) sorry about this, but let's face it you smell like a mountain of decaying corpses.

Seraph: I've been on Earth for the past month and a half, so yes I have been reeking, (Sniffs her armpits, then her eyes start to water and she almost chokes on the stench.) okay, I get your point, how I could have spent a month and a half not noticing that stench I'll never know.

Daavas: Well that makes two of us, listen why don't you take a shower and we can, I don't know.

Seraph: Make up for lost time?

Daavas: (Nervously.) Eh, something like that yes, (Hands her a towel.) now hit the

shower and we can talk about old times.

Seraph: Aye skipper, (As she walks into the bathroom in her dorm she slowly takes off her clothes.) oh and try not to pop into my bathroom randomly, we both remember what happened last time.

Daavas: (Shutters.) Don't remind me, Zaar has been going on and on about the demon rabbits ever since that incident.

Seraph: No he was doing that LONG before, after the "incident" he began running around naked screaming about it.

Daavas: Oh right, now then, (He leaves the dorm room.) I have got to ask that women out

one of these days.

(Zaar comes out of nowhere.)

Zaar: Daavas, where have you been, where's Seraph?

Daavas: Well she's taking a shower; believe me she has a lingering stench about her that

smells like rotting corpses.

Zaar: Yeah I could never tell the difference between live or dead humans by smell, by the

Seraphim do those monkeys smell horrible.

Daavas: Says the Quetzal that walks thru manure three hundred times a day.

Zaar: O come on we both know that manure smells more appealing.

(Bart and Lisa come out of nowhere jumping like crazy off the walls.)

Zaar: Human tourists, there almost as bad as the regular kind, want to get them down?

Daavas: You have to ask?

Zaar: Well you didn't want to force wild humans off the ceiling the last time I asked.

Daavas: Just use the Essence on them.

Zaar: Can't think of a reason not to.

(They both force Bart and Lisa to the floor using the Essence.)

Bart: OW what did you do that for?

Daavas: You were jumping like startled fish through water all over the walls, and I think

you got mud on them as well, do either of you have any idea how hard it is to keep those

wall clean?

Bart: Umm, pretty hard?

Zaar: Yes, IT IS! And guess who has to clean those walls? WE DO! Yes we the students

have to clean up every mess in this place!

Lisa: Well that doesn't seem fair.

Daavas: That depends; do YOU want to clean up that mess? (He points at a series of

random mud tracks on the wall and ceiling.)

Lisa: Good point.

(An elderly human that looks like Vrook Lamar from "Star Wars: Knights of the Old

Republic" appears.)

Elderly human: Alright ho made that mess on the walls?

Zaar and Daavas: (They both point at Bart and Lisa.) They did it!

Elderly human: (Looks at Bart and Lisa.) Is this true?

Bart: (Awkwardly.) Er well I a.

Lisa: (Awkwardly.) You see we.

(A fully clothed Seraph walks in.)

Seraph: I can hardly believe this! I've left you two alone for half an hour and you leave a

giant mess all over the school. I'm so sorry about this Master Thor; we'll clean up this

mess right away.

Thor: That will not be necessary Seraph, (Points at Bart and Lisa.) THEY will clean up

this mess!

Bart: WHAT!

Lisa: I thought students were supposed to clean up any messes?

Thor: Yes, but in this case I'll make an acceptation.

(Meanwhile at the **T**elkine **F**ellowship** I**nterplanetary **D**efense **F**orce **L**imited Armss'rij is

**STILL **pulling random trash out of his armpits.)

Armms'rij: I'm going to need a new office soon, (His phone rings.) Yes?

Meem: (Pants.) Sir, I have managed to get to Mimban IV, my cover was almost blown

but I got out alive.

Armss'rij: (Angrily.) YOU MEAN YOUR MISSION TO INFILTRATE THE "WRATH

OF KAOS" HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!

Meem: I never said that sir, I managed to talk Burns into sending me to Earth for an

espionage mission.

Armss'rij: Good work Captain Meem that promotion looks well within your grasp.

Meem: It is not promotions that I serve Minas Aiur these days, it is duty that drives my

sword arm and my vigilance, the promotions are just a bonus.

Armss'rij: Agreed, now then I shall contact the Grand Master of the Lukus Order to

arrange transport to Earth.

Meem: (Gasps in surprise.) You mean you're going to contact… HIM?

Armss'rij: Look don't get your anium in a knot, I don't want to have to take it of one

again, in any case I am just going to call Grand Master Pala Di-In of "Mimbans school for

the light side of the Essence" it isn't that big a deal.

Meem: Not a big! Master Di-In is the hero of our people! It was he who united the seven

Telkine tribes under one banner beside Minas Andu himself! It was he who invented one

of the first flying machines on Telchine; he drove the vile Charons off of our mother

world! He stood beside Minas Andu himself during the siege of Narsil! His initials and

seal are upon the Narsil Accords! He, for some unknown reason prevented the Machina

from being shut down, and instead exiled them to a deserted planet so they could shut

themselves down, and he was the one who rediscovered Earth after the Fellowship-

Colonial war.

Armss'rij: On a completely unrelated note, I am just going to arrange a transfer from

Mimban to Earth by asking Di-In to provide free passage, your just blowing his fame

WAY out of proportions, besides him finding Earth was a big mistake.

Meem: Sorry it's just that, Pala Di-In is the most honored and feared Telkine in existence,

how can I?

Armss'rij: Look captain you're not going to actually going to talk to him, I am just going

to ask him if he can provide transport for you to Earth, the idea is so simple an Earth-born

human could come up with it, DISMISSED! (He hangs up the phone.) If Meem does get

to Earth he better not screw up his mission. (He calls Grand Master Di-In.)

Di-In: Yes who it?

Armss'rij: Hello Di-In, it's Armss'rij, I have an agent on Mimban IV who needs passage to Earth, can you provide it for him?

Di-In: It is granted, I will tell him immediately.

Armss'rij: (Sighs.) Fine, but bring an electric Dxun prod, it might be awhile for you to get rid of him.

Di-In: Why?

Armss'rij: Let's just say he might be your biggest fan. (He hangs up and continues to pull

random trash out of his armpits.) I wonder if I can rent any goats, pigs or shiznos to clean

up this mess?

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga system, Lith'mar is angrily muttering under her breath, she

then contacts Lord Kaos.)

Lith'mar: **KAOS!**

Kaos: What now Lith'mar?

Lith'mar: There is a mole in the "Wrath of Kaos"!

Kaos: WHAT! A mole? Who and or what is he!

Lith'mar: A Telkine badly disguised as a Russian, and Burns fell for its bad disguise like a

lead weight!

Kaos: (Sighs.) I'm beginning to think we should have tried putting one of our people in

these gangs.

Lith'mar: We already tried that, and besides we have enough 003's undercover as it is.

Kaos: I think I would remember my own schemes, and besides is it my fault that there so,

(Shows a picture of two women that look PRECISLY like Padme Amidala.) hot?

Lith'mar: Look, those two are already under cover, (Points to the 003 on the left.) that one

is a sleeper agent in the Earth government by the name of "Catherine Oranos.", (Points to

the 003 on the right.) and she's a regular agent in the Amidalan government by the name

of "Senator Rhea Orion".

Kaos: Your point is?

Lith'mar: Look, we already preprogrammed the false memories in Catherine's mind that

she and Rhea are twins that were separated at birth, and forged both of their political

credentials so that they could both drive their respective planetary governments into the

ground. On top of that Catherine is now the President of Earth.

Kaos: Don't their elections take place in November?

Lith'mar: O come on like Earth-born humans even bother to remember their own politics

and laws, look the point is that we already have tried to put a 003 into the Sagittarius

pirates at least a century ago and it backfired horribly when she was strangled to death

with her own spinal cord by a Telkine infected with rabies.

Kaos: SO?

Lith'mar: (Sighs.) Look, these pirates keep a VERY detailed record upon what there

rulers looked like, as far as they know the resemblances between Rhea, Catherine and

Kear-Jay Habi is just a coincidence, and we would want it to stay that way wouldn't we?

Besides if anyone knew about Machina Prime every major super power in the galaxy

would be sending every navy unit guns blazing, and then our fifteen hundred years of

plotting would have been in vain wouldn't you agree?

Kaos: Hmm, you make a good point, do we have any Intel as to where this "spy" is

going?

Lith'mar: Well judging by his ships trajectory from the hanger, he's probably on Mimban IV.

Kaos: You mean the homeworld of the Lukus Order?

Lith'mar: Yes sire.

Kaos: Drat! This is going to be complicated; can we get Rhea on the phone?

Lith'mar: Yes, but we may want to keep our distance on this one until he's somewhere

where we can assassinate him without anyone really noticing it, signing off. (She turns off

her communicator.) I swear this last month and a half has aged me a millennia.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Bart and Lisa are almost finished cleaning up their mess.)

Bart: I still can't believe we've spent the entire day cleaning up this mess, Mom never

made us do this kind of work.

(Master Thor comes out of nowhere.)

Thor: Well to bad your Mother doesn't work here!

Lisa: But still it would have been nice to have had some.

Thor: I said, TO BAD! Now less griping and more cleaning, I want to be able to see

myself in that ceiling. (He leaves.)

(Meanwhile else were in the school, Zaar, Daavas and Seraph are conversing.)

Daavas: What happened Seraph? How could you have left the order in the first place?

Seraph: (Sighs.) Look I was young and headstrong, and very scared, and besides all of the

younglings wouldn't keep quiet about my age.

Zaar: Oh come on you weren't that old.

Seraph: Dude, I was seven at the time when I joined, most of the other younglings were

three to four years old, and don't act like you took part in the jeering to.

Daavas: Seraph, I never teased you once.

Seraph: Don't lie to me, I wasn't born yesterday you know.

Daavas: I'm serious, I did think you were rather cute, a little bit grim but cute.

Seraph: Look, if you're trying to make me feel better you're doing a very bad job at it.

Zaar: If this has anything to do with that time we saw you naked, just so you know I got

over that.

Seraph: (Sarcastically.) Of course you did.

Daavas: Look can we drop this argument for a moment, like for starters what did you do

after you left the order?

Seraph: Well, after I resigned I went to an orphanage on Koprulu. Five years later I was

FINNALY adopted by a human family on Earth.

Daavas: AH, and you couldn't stand them so you left them then re-joined the Order!

Seraph: No they were nice for the first month, apart from an incident with a breeding

conduit everything was relatively fine, and then (Gulps.) high school started. (She begins

to cry softly.)

Zaar: I'm guessing that it was worse than rumors made it sound.

Seraph: You guessed right, I mean I did nothing to those swine, at first, but apparently

that's the only motivation they need to use someone as a punching bag.

Daavas: You mean they hit you?

Seraph: Not really, but they wouldn't shut up for so much as half a second, the teacher

actually killed a student that was being disruptive just to make every else keep quiet.

Zaar: Really?

Seraph: Well actually it was the same kid over and over again after an incident were I

went temporarily insane and beat him to death with his lower jaw bone.

Daavas: Isn't that physically impossible?

Seraph: No your thinking of his whole skull, now that would be physically impossible to

kill him with.

Zaar: Wait how was he able to be killed multiple times? I suspect cloning!

Seraph: I doubt it, that guy could barely tell the difference between his hands and a pair of

spiders, anyway he somehow kept pouncing out of nowhere, normally from closets or

anyplace that is very dark and devour his maimed corpse like a starved animal, then act

almost totally oblivious to the whole escapade. Although I do suspect that SOME sort of

cloning involved.

Daavas: He was the one that drove you mad?

Seraph: He tried to make out with me in public, so yes he did drive me mad.

Daavas: He tried to make out with you! I swear if I ever meet that shizno I'll!

Seraph: Don't bother, he'll just re spawn out of nowhere and eat his own corpse.

Daavas: You know I hate it when you say something like that.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer is being chased by Professor Sal-Lrack with a two by four

across the lab.)

Ion: S'jet please calm down.

S'jet: **NEVER! THIS BLASTED SHIZNO LIED ABOUT THE TEMPLATE **

**SUBJECTS!**

Homer: Can't you take a joke!

S'jet: **YES! BUT NOT THE KIND YOU PULLED LARD GUT! NOT ONE OF **

**THEM LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE JIM HENSON, MICHEAL JACKSON, OR **

**GRAHAM CHAPMAN IN ANYWAY WHAT SO EVER!**

Homer: What would you know, you killed Grimey!

S'jet: If memory serves he threw himself into a wood chipper that was in here for some

reason at the mere mention of that word, **BESIDES BOTH OF THEM ARE WOMEN!**

Homer: Your point?

S'jet: **IT'S A FEDERAL OFFENCE TO LIE ABOUT CLONE TEMPLATES! SO **

**EITHER GET OFF THIS PLANET BY THE END OF THE MONTH OR YOU'RE **

**A VERY DEAD MAN!**

Homer: Make me!

S'jet: **GLADLY!** (He smacks him wildly with the two by four.) Just so you know, those

splinter covered whelps are just the beginning of your troubles Mister Simpson.

(Homers Mom and Maggie come up to him.)

Mona: Homer! Are you alright?

Homer: (Moans in pain.) I think so, MAGGIE! You've grown up fast.

Maggie: Actually Dad, there was a glitch in the cloning machine that made me age

quicker, so now I'm twenty one years old and super intelligent.

Homer: Aww my little girl is all grown up, and already saying techno babble.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga system, Lith'mar has called a meeting with the crew of the

"Yodeling Walrus".)

Lith'mar: Gentlemen, I have two reasons for this meeting. One, I have very good reason to

believe there is a mole in the "Wrath of Kaos". Two, to explain to Bob what I injected

him with, we may not be able to get to that one but I just wanted to make that clear.

Malthius: What do you mean there's a mole?

Lith'mar: I mean there's a badly disguised Telkine that left the system in a heist.

Tom-800: How bad of a disguise was it?

Lith'mar: (Pulls out a picture of Meem as Emme.) This is bad.

Remoh: You say that the king himself fell for this reptile incognito? Whoa is us for

having to have chosen such an idiot for a king!

Lith'mar: Exactly! Even you or your son could see through this mustache.

Trab and Remoh: (In unison.) He has a mustache? Who asked you? (They start to slap

each other, then it starts to turn into pummeling each other, then they start to strangle

each other.)

Lith'mar: Then again, I could be wrong about you two though, anyway the meetings over.

The crew of the Walrus: WHAT!

Lith'mar: Well Remoh and Trab ruined the entire meeting by fighting, again.

(Two minutes later.)

Bob: Listen Lith'mar, I must know what you injected me with AND I WANT TO KNOW

NOW!

Lith'mar: Impatient monkey aren't we? Very well, I injected you with an experimental

Midi-chlorian shot that granted you a connection to the Essence.

Bob: The what?

Lith'mar: It's like that force thing-a-mc-doodle from that, (Knocks her head on the wall.)

sci-fi movie franchise thing back in the. Look it's a sort of energy field created in all

living things. It surrounds us, it penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.

Bob: Oh, does it grant any powers that border on the supernatural?

Lith'mar: Yes, how else do you think I've managed to be such a deadly assassin?

Bob: Well that answers one question but raises so many others. For starters didn't you say that you took some of this stuff before?

Lith'mar: Yes, but that was a prototype of the serum, my coma lasted for only twelve hours but man it was damn painful.


	19. Chapter 19: Warning, exesive backstory

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 19

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer, Maggie, and Mona are at the Simpson's house.)

Homer: Marge, I have good news and bad news.

Marge: (Sighs.) Not again, what is now?

Homer: First the good news, (Mona and Maggie walk in.) my Mother and Maggie are alive again!

Marge: (Gasps in surprise.) Maggie? Is that you? You look so much… older.

Maggie: Well you see there was an error with the cloning and, well the results are rather obvious.

Marge: Oh Maggie, (She hugs Maggie and cries a little.) you've grown up so fast.

Homer: The bad news is I was filed for a federal offence for lying to guy at the cloning

labs.

Marge: **WHAT!**

Homer: Look how was I supposed to know that lying about clone templates was a federal

offence? The government never warns anyone about what is or what is not a federal

offence.

Marge: Homer the government sent a memo of EVERY federal offence almost

immediately after we came to the future.

Homer: Like I said they never warn anyone about what is or isn't illegal. So basically we

have a month to move off of Earth or we'll all be killed.

Marge: Homer this is EXACTLY why I don't like it when you go on outings without me,

it always leaves the government having a grudge with you, what really enrages me is

WHY you never told me were you were going.

Homer: It's because you would have nagged me for over three hours about "ethics" and

"morals".

Marge: Only because you never follow them!

(Meanwhile on Machina Prime, Lord Kaos is making a call to Senator Rhea Orion.)

Kaos: Rhea? Rhea do you read me?

Rhea: Loud and clear, now what do you want? I was in the middle of an um, "Important

meeting".

Kaos: In short you and your "Not-so-secret-husband-Lukus Order-Templar" were on a

date in your private quarters, am I correct?

Rhea: (Sighs.) Yes lord Kaos I was on a date with Stan Tartarus, (Kaos gives her a stern

look.) oh come on, it's part of directive omega for us to breed with our "Non-Machina

counter-parts" remember? Besides it isn't my fault that he looks so, (Pulls out a picture of

Stan that looks suspiciously like Anakin Skywalker.) intoxicating.

Kaos: You've been married to that meat bag for almost a year now and STILL no children

of any kind what so ever!

Rhea: Look it isn't that simple, and besides he really isn't ready for something that

"physical" yet.

Kaos: I swear I should have put a specific Machina in for the breeding portion of the

"plan".

Rhea: Do you doubt my abilities?

Kaos: No I do doubt your usefulness to the entire plan! For over ten years now, you've

dragging him through a nearly infinite amount of lies to keep up the ruse that you love

him and that your not a Machina.

Rhea: But I do love him! I know it seemed silly at first but, he's really grown on me.

Kaos: Yes, one minute he's a cute albeit annoying slave boy. Now he's a one of the most

famous Templers in the Lukus Order.

Rhea: Look there had better be a good reason for this call apart from pointing my

deficiency.

Kaos: Alright then, there is a Telkine spy in the "Wrath of Kaos" pirate gang, he is

currently on Mimban IV but he will be off to Earth soon, I want you to make a good will

tour to those respective planets in order to assassinate him.

Rhea: This is the fourth time this millennia that you've asked me to hold a good will tour

from one planet to another in order to assassinate a Telkine spy, can't you get Lith'mar to

do that for once?

Kaos: It's because she's been assigned to maintaining our strangle hold on the pirates

remember?

Rhea: She finally found a king?

Kaos: Yes she did, didn't you hear the news? You know the rise in piracy on the trade

route raids?

Rhea: Ah yes, Minas Aiur has been pressuring me to protect his peoples trade routes for

some time now. (She sighs.) I know that we should hate the Telkines with every fiber of

our being but, he's a really nice guy once you get to know him. Besides all of my targets

keep dying in ironic ways before I can kill them.

Kaos: Hmm, let me rephrase my order, **WOULD YOU KINDLY **schedule a tour from

Mimban to Earth as an excuse to assassinate a Telkine spy? As soon as your done with

your date of course.

Rhea: (Monotone voice and her irises are gone.) By your command my lord, I will leave

for Mimban IV as soon as possible. (She turns off her communicator, and then her iris's

revert to normal.) I hate it when he invokes that stupid fail safe code. (She leaves the

closet she was in, and enters a well decorated bedroom.) Okay Stan, I'm ready.

(Stan is in the bed and under the covers.)

Stan: Finally! I thought you would never get done talking to your psychiatrist.

Rhea: Yes, my psychiatrist, Stan I want to ask you something.

Stan: (Aggravated sigh.) Not this again, look I've already told you over a hundred times,

NO I don't think I would be a good father.

Rhea: Stan I don't want to argue about this again, personally I think it's rather dumb that

we have been pretending that we were never married for the last three years. Besides can't

Lukus Order members marry?

Stan: Yes, but only Masters can do that and **I **am not a Master, I can't have our marriage

known because I am not a Master, I can't become a Master without successfully training a

Novus to Knighthood, and **NO ONE** in the Order is dumb enough to entrust a kid to me.

Besides I like the allusion that I'm single, it gives me an excuse to play around with the

minds of my fans.

Rhea: You have fans?

Stan: Yes it's the consequence of being a famous Lukus such as myself, don't worry I

rarely indulge in the luxuries that come with it, believe me the nerds that migrate from

Earth every hour just to be on the same planet as me are aggravating enough as it is, plus

there half the reason why I'm rarely aloud back on Mimban IV.

Rhea: Yes, about Mimban, I have to make a good will tour from there to Earth tomorrow,

and that could be a good time for you to meet your old Master, and maybe to enlist a new

apprentice.

(Meanwhile on Machina Prime, lord Kaos and General Chon are in a discussion.)

Kaos: Chon how is are new guest ERIS?

Chon: She is still a bit defiant, but we will get that under control soon enough.

ERIS: Want to bet on it skin jobs?

Chon: Shut down ERIS! (ERIS shuts down.)

Kaos: Excellent, what is out situation with the Inquisition and the Twi'grutan Imperium?

Chon: Well the Inquisition is growing impatient, and the Imperium is on the verge of

invading Fellowship and Alliance space alike if they have to wait any longer.

Kaos: (Sigh.) Organics, when will they learn that a fool proof plan takes time to execute?

Besides with the Telkines unwittingly screwing up key parts of the "plan" it's a miracle

we've gotten this far.

Chon: Yes and so far all it took was, what fifteen hundred years now?

Kaos: Yes it has been that long, seems like only yesterday the Seraphim Vanguard gave

the secrets of mimicking organic flesh right down to the most seemingly insignificant

detail. What ever happened to them we may never know.

Chon: Yeah, those Telkine fools honestly thought that their survival was the will of the

Seraphim, when in reality WE were supposed to succeed all organic life in the galaxy, but

thanks to their infernal last minute alliance with the Colonials we were unable to do so.

Kaos: Yes I know, I'll never understand why they left so suddenly, just as soon as they

gave us the secrets to our flawless mimicry they leave only giving a cryptic message.

"What ended on Narsil, shall begin anew on Terra Firma, the shield of time shall wither,

both hope and doom shall be unleashed and sweep through the stars those who would do

harm to the chosen clans, the father shall redeem the prodigal children, this madness will

end."

Chon: Were half machine, and fifteen hundred years later that message still makes no

sense in anyway what so ever.

Kaos: Yes indeed, peculiar to say the least.

Chon: Well neither of us have the day to waist, I have to go check up on the Centurions,

they have been having these attitudes were they keep calling the models "jerks".

Kaos: You do that, (Chon leaves the room.) nobody knows what became of the Seraphim,

(Pulls out a skull, then fills it with a sort of coffee.) except me. (He drinks the coffee, and

then he spits it out.) OW HOT! (He peers into the skull.) Gangrene infection again.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Seraph is in a room with Master Thor, Master Di-In, two

aliens that look like male Twi'lek and one that looks like a Protoss from Starcraft.)

Di-In: Seraph Ashla, do you know why I, (Motions to Thor.) Master Thor Waterloo,

(Motions to the Twi'lek.) Master Nirvach Styx, (Motions to the Protoss.) and Master

Ibonek Naw-Ibo have called for you today?

Seraph: Yes I do, you have called me to discuss my re-admittance to the Order.

Thor: Yes, we were considering denying your request, but seeing as to how you were

responsible enough to show up to this meeting on time, unlike the rest of the student

body, we'll reconsider our dissuasion.

Seraph: Yes, were there any other reasons why you called me?

Ibonek: Yes actually, why do you want to re-join the order?

Seraph: (Sighs.) A storm is coming, and I want to be in the eye of it. I want to live out my

life with purpose and not in pointless frustration, besides it would be better than were I

was on Earth.

Nirvach: Funny that sounds like the Fellowship recruitment slogan.

Di-In: Watch your tongue, anyway Seraph you make a good point, besides were stretched

too thin, what with these pirate filth are growing bold nearly all of the other Lukus

Templer are protecting trade routes, and from what I have heard they have started to

invade planets. So we need all of the help that we can, (There is a ring tone going off.)

NOT AGAIN! This is the fourth meeting this millennium that's been interrupted by a

phone call! (He snorts in aggravation.) Whose phone is it now anyway!

Ibonek: Oh it's mine (He answers his phone.) hello? Look this had better be good I was in

a meeting.

Rhea: Master Ibonek? It's me Senator Rhea.

Ibonek: Oh hi, (Whispers.) it's Senator Orion.

Di-In: Creepy, she's the one who's been making those calls that have been interrupting our

meetings.

Ibonek: Shh, she may be on to us.

Rhea: Master Ibonek there's something I want to talk to you about.

Ibonek: Okay just make it quick, I have a bored Twi'gruta here.

Rhea: Nirvach always was one to get bored easily.

Ibonek: It's not Nirvach this time, as true as that might be it isn't him this time, it's a new

Novus here and.

Rhea: A new Novus? That's part of the reason I wanted to call you, first I'm going on a

goodwill tour from Mimban to Earth tomorrow, and second I'm hoping to bring Stan with

me so the two of them can meet then.

Ibonek: WHAT! Listen young lady, I have the utmost respect for you, but you have no

say in who gets apprenticed to who. Besides I'm not going let him back on Mimban, NOT

after what happened last time.

Rhea: But he was your former Novus, besides this kind of thing might be good for him,

and for whoever this new Novus is.

Ibonek: Her name is Seraph Ashla, but I have to agree on one thing, he needs more

responsibility on his hands, besides were running short on regular Masters. (He sighs.)

Look I'll put your request but it's because I want to, not because YOU ask it of me.

Rhea: Fair enough, so see you tomorrow, around nine AM?

Ibonek: Yes, but go on a private ship, I don't want any nerds following him again (He

hangs up.) gentlemen, and Seraph, Senator Rhea Orion is coming tomorrow, and she's

bringing my old Novus Stan Tartarus.

Nirvanus: (Sighs.) I'll breakout the Dxun prods, the tear gas grenades, and the tranquilizer

guns.

Ibonek: No, that won't be necessary; this time anyway, however both of those might come

in handy for the humans that Seraph brought here.

Seraph: In retrospect it was a bad idea to bring those two here.

Di-In: Two? I counted three running around the school.

Seraph: Three? But I thought that Bart mailed, (She pauses.) Kirk, Masters is out meeting

over?

Thor: Well the part where you're involved yes.

Seraph: Then may I be excused?

Di-In: Yes you may.

Seraph: Good then, (She leaves.) and master's, before I go know this, I won't stumble or

fall from the path, not again.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer, Marge, Maggie, and Mona are packing.)

Mona: Homer I'm sorry that you have to move because of me.

Homer: No mom it's not your fault, I'll be honest for once it was my fault.

Mona: Well I am sorry either way, (She hears crying in the basement.) what is that?

Homer: Not sure, Marge can you go down stairs?

Marge: Fine, (She goes down stairs.) Sheila are you alright?

Sheila: (Crying.) No, everything has gone awry.

Marge: Sweaty what happened?

Sheila: (She's still crying.) I had a… I had a…

Marge: You had a what?

(Sheila starts to wail loudly.)

Excalibur: She had a miscarriage, (He holds Sheila in his arms.) I'm so sorry honey.

Marge: (Gasps.) Sheila I'm so sorry.

Sheila: Don't be! (She sighs.) This isn't your fault, but I would like to talk to Lisa.

Marge: She's on a school field trip till Monday.

Sheila: Let me know when she gets back.

Marge: Alright, so do you want to talk some more?

Sheila: No thank you. (Marge leaves.)

Excalibur: What was it you wanted to talk to Lisa about?

Sheila: I want to scold her about what happened last month, to be honest with you it was

the only reason I married you in the first place.

Excalibur: I would have gone through with it till the end my love; regardless of the

circumstances I will always love you.

Sheila: That's nice to know, (Sigh.) I'm really going to miss Seraph Ashla.

Excalibur: Yeah, she may have interrupted our make out time a, but it was nice to have an

intelligent conversation every once in a while.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Bart, Lisa and Kirk are being dragged at the ankles by

Seraph.)

Seraph: You shiznos have a LOT to answer for. For starters, Bart and Lisa how were you bouncing off the walls? Two why in the name of all that the Seraphim stood for is Kirk here I thought you mailed him back to Earth Bart?

Bart: Well you see, I may have rushed and accidentally mailed him here.

Seraph: Typical, now about the wall bouncing.

Lisa: Well we found some candy in bowel labeled, "Warning: Do not touch for any

reason what so ever, sugar context beyond recommended standard."

Seraph: (Sighs.) Humans, you can't keep your fingers off of anything that might be life

threatening, or for that matter if it has a sign specifically saying not to use it.

Bart: You know Seraph I'll never understand why you and every alien we come across

seem to have a bad rap about us humans, I mean one of the Masters here is a human and

you never give him lip.

Seraph: There are two reasons why I never backtalk about Master Thor's species. One he's

not technically human he's a Koprulucan, and two, (They approach what looks like an

office.) YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET NUMBER TWO!

(Seraph throws Bart and Lisa into the office, and then throws Kirk out of a window.)

Lisa: (Slightly dizzy.) She still has her throw.

Di-In: Yes back when she was younger she did have a slight temper, now it's essentially a

dam waiting to burst.

Bart: AHH! Who are you?

Di-In: I am Grand Master Pala Di-In; I am not surprised that you do not know who I am.

Fact is not one human native to your Deity forsaken homeworld has heard of me.

Bart: Well that would explain why I have never heard of you.

Lisa: Well I for one have.

Di-In: You have?

Bart: You have?

Seraph: (Pops her head through the door.) You have? (She promptly leaves.)

Lisa: Yes, I do read a lot of books.

Di-In: An Earth-born, reading books? This millennium keeps getting stranger and

stranger every day.

Lisa: Sir, I have just one question for you, why do so many aliens hate humans?

Di-In: Well… that's a first, an Earth born asking why her kind is so infamously loathed,

I'd ask if this question would turn into several hundred questions in under a minute, but

I'm an old Telkine so I would know better than to ask something that obvious. So I'm just

going to start at the beginning.

Bart: How long would this take?

Di-In: Not long enough, (Presses a button on his desk, and a chair pops up.) have a chair

young one. (Bart sits down in the chair, then Di-In presses another button and a series of

plasma restraints tie Bart down.) that should keep you from running off, now then girl,

around the middle of July in the 2009 on Earth, a massive dome of unknown origin

covered a previously insignificant area of what was once the United States of America, in

a mix of fear and paranoia just about every government on the planet at the time emptied

just about every anything that could qualify as a weapon of mass destruction onto it, all of

them were just sucked in, scientists estimated that in three years' time ALL of the missile

and ICBMs launched at it would remerge from the dome, and then return to their original

sites and, well I'm pretty sure what would happen then.

Lisa: You mean that dome indirectly wiped out all life on Earth? How is that even

possible? it's pretty much a paradise now, from what I've heard there aren't any CO2

levels of any kind.

Di-In: All will be explained, anyway shortly before 2012 the governments of the world

built massive underground fallout shelters all over the world, by using forced labor camps

they built all of them within a year, and the next year they forced at least 95% of the

population on colony ships off world, rogue scientists, hardened criminals, idealists,

fanatics, men, women and children of God, narcissists, mentally dead high school

students. You name it, they were ALL exiled off world.

Lisa: What ever happened to them?

Di-In: Well as far as we know only seven ships were sent out, The Koprulu, The

Amidala, The Ragnarok, The Phoenix, The Soma, The Sparta, and The Tabula Rasa. The

two more well known of those seven ships were the Koprulu and Amidala; the passengers

of those ships were the original founders of The Confederacy of Koprulu and The

Republic of Amidala as governmental bodies.

Bart: WHEN WILL THIS HISTORY LESSON STOP!

Di-In: When I'm done telling it, so shut up! (He presses a button on his desk and a cocoon

of plasma forms around Bart.) That'll keep you quiet, anyway, not long after they both

crash-landed on their respective planets the colonists swore that they would NEVER

knowingly commit the sins of their brethren on Earth, you know mass commercialism of

religious holidays and sports, the dignity of the dead scrutinized and cheapened just to

sell insurance or junk food, putting incompetent slobs in charge of anything of any major

importance, so in order to distance themselves from their Earthen brethren they embraced

traditions from B.C. era Europe and the Middle East, that sort of thing, shortly after then,

they discovered sentient alien life on Amidala and Koprulu, on Amidala it was the

Urdnots, a race of muscular reptilian like species that were surprisingly peaceful, but

don't get me wrong under the proper conditions they could tear someone to bits. Then the

citizens of Koprulu found the Turoks, there very much like the raptor species of dinosaur,

roughly a hundred years they both developed practical forms of interplanetary travel, the

Amidalans discovered the Twi'grutan homeworld of Shilroth, the Twi'grutans were

essentially primitive hunter gatherers at the time but they were as intelligent as your

planets dolphins if you know what I mean, the Koprulucans discovered the Tasadorians homeworld of Zeratol, a very strong race of warriors, much like my own people despite the cosmetic differences, fifty years after that the Koprulucans and Amidalans properly formed under a united alliance which they called the "Democratic Alliance of Kopulu and Amidala" or the DAKA. By the time they arrived on their respective planets the year was 2112, the year they found other sentient life on their planets the year was 2121. The year they found sentient life on other planets the year was 2221. The year they formed DAKA was 2272. Roughly eleven hundred and seventy eight years, after that the year was 3449 and. (Sighs and snorts in sorrow.)

Lisa: What's wrong?

Di-In: Do you mind if I play some music while I tell you this part? It's kind of a sensitive

subject.

Lisa: Sure why not?

Di-In: Okay, (He presses a few buttons on his desk, Unforgotten from the Halo 2 Original

Soundtrack begins to play.) we met them on the planet of Freya II, a beautiful world it

once was, before the dark times, before the Fellowship-Colonial war.

Lisa: What happened during then?

Di-In: Well, we tried to set up peace talks but, well we most have done something to miff them off because the next thing knew the entire planet was under siege by DAKA forces and, (Starts to use a melodramatic deep voice.) the skies darkened as glass towers were erected upon what was once the bread basket of the Fellowship, the sons of man, Twi'gruta, Turok, Urdnot, and Tasadorian alike marched over mountains of dead Telkine, Njord, and Quetzal, every night from then on till the end of the war, I whispered as I fell asleep, "The Seraphim have abandoned us." within twenty five years they had put eight hundred and eleven star systems to the sword and torch, by the time they had reached Narsil hope was all but lost, but there was hope in one thing.

Lisa: What was that?

Di-In: Around the Rhodes sector, that's where Telchine is located, there is this strange cosmic phenomenon that makes it impossible for anything to enter, or exit safely at faster than light speeds, but the system that Narsil was in, Eridanus was the only lynch pin in the "Eternal wall" as we called it, or as your species called it a Jericho or Troy effect. Anyway as soon as the DAKA arrived at the system, we never took one step backward from that world, no retreat, no surrender, no relent until death called us home, for seventy five long years we defended that world with every fiber of our being, but it was a losing battle none the less, ten years prior to that we hired a talented scientist by the name of Thel Andúril to develop a method that could turn the tide of the entire war.

Lisa: Wait, wait, wait, Mr. Thel was a scientist?

Di-In: Why do you know him?

Lisa: Well, I met him at a wedding, and he's our school principle.

Di-In: Oh, well anyway, he filed a patent for an invention ten years prior to 3540,

something he called, "Project Machina" a series of highly sophisticated robots designed

for a nearly infinite amount of tasks, at least the prototype anyway, now that was a

masterpiece, not unlike the chrome trash heaps we churned out, I mean that thing had the

works, a jetpack, retractable weapons, grappling hooks in all four limbs, you name it the

MCP had it all, but unfortunately the cost to make it was so high that the investors

actually cut their own jaws off in shock at the cost, so we downgraded the model type to

fit the budget, in short we took out the just about everything the prototype had, but we

stuck all of them with a command core that controlled their every action, if memory

served Andúril was against that move, but he knew as well as the rest of us that sacrifices

had to made for the mother world, so he went along with it none the less. We released

over one hundred thousand Machina Centurions onto Narsil, we drove the DAKA off

world within a day, for three years we took back our scorched worlds, one planet at a

time, but one morning on April 15th 3552, the command core that controlled the Machina Centurions was DESTROYED! But for some reason the Centurions still functioned, they randomly defied orders but they were fine none the less, then they suddenly began slaughtering troops on both sides of the war, they then rebelled and pushed the DAKA back to their most inner colonies, and at the same time they pushed the Fellowship back to Narsil, we held out as usual, but the DAKA was in a mess, so for the first time in over a century we had another peace talk.

Lisa: What happened then?

Di-In: Well it went better than the first one I can tell you that, anyhow by March 3rd 3554, we nearly drove the Machina into extinction, but they surrendered to us, the DAKA accepted a little TOO eagerly if you ask me, we were a little suspicious, but their offer could not be ignored.

Bart: (The plasma restraint around his mouth dissolves.) What did you do? Blast the tin cans back to the Stone Age!

Di-In: What the? (He presses a button on his desk, and the plasma restraint on Bart's mouth restored.) I thought I had the stupid restraints fixed, anyway it was against my peoples beliefs to commit genocide against a losing enemy, so we allowed them to live, it was a hard choose to make but the Fellowship still stands by it to this day.

Lisa: Sir, I think you may have changed the subject; we were talking about why aliens hate humans that are from Earth so much.

Di-In: Listen when you're telling the story you can tell it in any order that you please, but when I'm telling it in the way **I **want to you little she shizno, got it! (Lisa nods.) I thought so, well after the Machina surrendered we signed a treaty that we called the "Narsil Accords", basically it took the more barbaric aspects of warfare, and made there usage as an excuse to execute someone or sentence any offenders to the Gra'toa arena, anyway the first article sentenced the Machina to shut down on the planet of Cimtar in the Kobol system, as far as we know they went through that part of the Accords, the second and third parts banned weapons that could render a planet uninhabitable, the fourth article banned any attempt at teraform the Fellowships destroyed worlds in memory of those who went into the howling darkness, and did not return. The fifth article banned any solider from both the Fellowship and Colonials to commit cannibalism on the enemy believe me we learned the relevance of that article made sense during the war, I heard from some the Telkine survivors that they still have an unholy spam after taste from eating one of your kin. Anyway at around 3609 I started an expedition to find the ancestral homeworld of humanity, in retrospect I really should have listened to the Amidalan Prime Minister, the Koprulican Premier, and Minas Andu himself about otherwise, to be honest with you the whole thing was part of a scheme to deport them all to back were they came from, when we finally got to Earth three years later, the entire planet was just one giant desert wasteland, so we foolishly decided to teraform the entire planet to its former state.

Lisa: How would that be a bad thing?

Di-In: You want to know why?

Lisa: Yes.

Di-In: Very well, I'll tell you, (He closes the all the window blinds in his office.) the humans on that planet were totally **INGRATFULL FOR OUR SERVICES TO THEM! **I mean it took to the year 4000 thousand to turn that planet to 31st century B.C weather, do you have any idea how hard it is to do teraforming on that scale!

Lisa: Ehh, I'm guessing very costly.

Di-In: YES! VERY! The whole project cost over nine hundred trillion Fellowship drachmas and we still haven't financially recovered from that whole farce. We had to drain entire planets of their economies just to pay off the costs for neutralizing the planet wide radiation; I swear the only fulfilling part was that we managed to finish Crazy Horse. In short, every sentient species in the galaxy pitched in to help your people in their hour of need, and you took it all for granted, (Sighs.) That is also why many people nicknamed your world "Di-In's folly." I tell now from personal experience, tomorrow is not a given right it's a gift from the All-Father himself, freedom is not a luxury it's a responsibility to be shouldered by entire families and nations, and peace is not forever it is only a break from the howling storm.

Lisa: That's just abhorrent, wait what do the Machina have to do with anything?

Di-In: I felt I needed to get that whole matter off my chest; you two may leave the planet at any time you wish. But PLEASE take that idiot you brought with you.

Lisa: Can't you just keep Kirk in a box or something?

Di-In: We tried that the last time one or more idiots came to Mimban IV, the box was to

small so we could only fit one in. Do you want to hear about that?

Lisa: I for one would.

Di-In: I would tell you but your brother is looking a bit antsy. (He presses a series of

buttons on his desk and the restraints on Bart dissolve.) Now then did you listen to

anything I just said?

Bart: Yes but just one question, what is a Machina?

Di-In: GET OUT NOW! (Grabs Bart by the shirt and throws him out of his office, then he

proceeds to do the same to Lisa.)

Lisa: Wait I want to learn more about your people and your Fellowship!

Di-In: I would but all of the key details are considered myth and superstition to you

humans, and from what young Seraph told me you're very skeptical of the supernatural,

so scram! (He throws Lisa out of his office.) Crazy humans. (He grabs a bottle of Telkine

rum, a bottle of Njord mead, and a bottle of Quetzal ale, then promptly eats the bottles

with a crazed look on his face.)

Seraph: So Bart, Lisa, are you content with your number two?

Bart: Personally I would have preferred a LITERAL number two.

Lisa: Well I for one learned something.

Seraph: And that lesson would be what?

Lisa: Well we humans have a tendency to not correct our own flaws, and we take just

about everything for granted, but I do have one question, how old is Master Di-In

anyway?

Seraph: At least eighty-nine hundred and forty-five years old, so he's pretty old, now if

you'll excuse me I have an important exam I have to study for and I don't need you or Bart

bothering me, (She walks off.) and if you see Kirk throw him out of a window, but if you

want to learn more about what anything Master Di-In told you two go to the school

library, it is one of the largest archives in the galaxy.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems, Lith'mar is training Bob in sword fighting.)

Lith'mar: Parry! Thrust! Dodge! Evade! Parry! Thrust! Dodge! Evade!

Bob: (Pants.) Slow down, I can't keep up!

Lith'mar: Listen the path ahead will be dangerous and perilous, you may as well be able to

face those challenges, and kill a certain human who's ruined your life, why not imagine he

is me?

Bob: (Begins to snarl in anger.) TIME TO DIE BART SIMPSON!

Lith'mar: Yes Bob! Let your ire and wrath be your eyes! Show no mercy to the weak!

Soon all shall hail your name in both whispers and screams!

(Bob and Lith'mar continue to duel until Bob severs her left arm and she howls in pain.)

Bob: Lith'mar! I'm sorry!

Lith'mar: (Grunts slightly.) Don't be, it's only a scratch anyway.

Bob: A scratch! Your arm is off!

Lith'mar: I'm aware of that, I can make a new arm anyway, good job but try not to kill me,

tomorrow we will be covering basic Essence powers, now if you'll excuse me I have to

make a call. (She go's into a closet and calls lord Kaos.)

Kaos: Yes?

Lith'mar: Sir I am proud to report that the midi-chlorian capsules work! Also I am

pregnant.

Kaso: (He's filling a skull with coffee.) I'm sorry I wasn't listening to that last part could

you repeat that?

Lith'mar: I said I'm pregnant.

Kaos: (He spits out his coffee in surprise.) Well that's fantastic! Just for that I'm having

your failsafe code uninstalled. (He presses a few buttons, then a screen pops up in

Lith'mar's eyesight stating, "Failsafe code has been uninstalled.") Now then who's the

father?

Lith'mar: A 'Vadam named Malthius Lood, he was kind of fresh on me at first, but he's

persistent, so we got married about two days ago then. Well we both know were babies

come from.

(Meanwhile in the Mimban schools library, Seraph is looking through books on weapons

design.)

Seraph: Ah the sweat solace of the school library, I used to register several hours here

(She sits down at a table.) back in the day.

Lisa: (Sitting at the same table looking through a book on history in the Rhodes sector.)

That's good to know.

Seraph: What the! Lisa why are you still here I thought you Bart and Kirk went back to

Earth.

Lisa: Oh come on Seraph, it's a three day weekend, and besides we both know that this

planet has an odd starliner schedule so were going to be here to at least Monday.

Seraph: (Sighs.) Look its six AM shouldn't you be asleep? (Lisa takes a large sip of coffee

from a nozzle in the table.) Never mind. Look why are you reading a history book on the

Rhodes sector?

Lisa: It's because I want to, why are you reading a book on weapon design?

Seraph: It's for the exam I'm studying for, it's for designing my light blade.

Lisa: Funny I thought you Lukus's were peacekeepers not soldiers.

Seraph: We ARE peacekeepers! But a light sword does come in handy when negotiations

turn aggressive, and when war is declared as well whenever that might be.

Lisa: Oh, well why didn't you, mention that the Machina didn't (Seraph covers her

mouth.)

Seraph: Funny thing about that, you see there's this little sub section in the Narsil Accords

that states, and I quote. "If any one of the preceding articles of these Accords is broken,

especially the first article which states that all Machina in the galaxy must go to the planet

of Cimtar in the Kobal system and shut down, then the entire Accords shall be declared

null and void, and the entire treaty shall be put in total disregard of existence." In short, if

either of us mentioned anything about the Machina, well let's just say that everything

would go downhill from there on out. Besides what in your right mind makes you think

that he would believe either of us? (She takes her hands off of Lisa's mouth.)

Lisa: Good point, anyway do you want to hear what I'm readying about?

Seraph: I would but I already know the entire history of the Fellowship of Andu so I

wouldn't learn anything new.

Lisa: Did you know that the Fellowship calendar is six months longer than our calendar?

Seraph: What do you mean OUR calendar? Were two separate species what makes you

think my people used a Terra Firman calendar?

Lisa: Did you also know that the Telkines were once slaves to an ancient alien race called

the Charons? Then another race called the Seraphim liberated them and appointed a

young farm boy name Minas Andu as their king?

Seraph: YES! I'm well aware those! Now will you please just knock it off!

(The librarian comes out of nowhere.)

The librarian: Seraph will you please stop shouting?

Seraph: (Whispers.) Sorry.

Lisa: Did you also know that their entire species is divided into seven different subspecies? The first being the golden skinned Andunians, Andu himself was a member of that species, then there's the red skinned Thires the one of the only members of the species to fly and the only members to be able to breath fire, from what I've heard Grand Admiral Oth was a member of that species, next the blue skinned Agwars the only amphibious members of the entire species as well as the only ones that have fins, fourth there are the desert sand skinned Torkads the only members of the species to have a large fin protruding from their backs and have a sickle shaped claw on their feet, then there are the green skinned Jropics the only other members of the Telkine species other than the Thires that can fly, that brings me to the Tserranians notable for a pitch black skin tone and one of the largest of the Telkine subspecies and consequently the dumbest, then there are the white as snow Fwinters the smallest members of the Telkine species as well as the fastest breeding and the only Telkines that can grow hair and a pair of saber like teeth.

Seraph: Okay that's it, (She walks towards the receptionist's desk.) I would like to check this book out. (She leaves the library, Lisa promptly checks out the book she's reading and follows Seraph to her dorm.) Lisa why are you still following me?

Lisa: Well I don't have anything better to do.

Seraph: (Sighs in irritation.) Look why don't you hang out with Bart or something?

Lisa: He said he was busy with Zaar and Daavas or something like that.

Seraph: Look if you're going to read a book out loud PLEASE do it were no one can find you, and besides that book is at least two thousand years old.

Lisa: Your point is?

Seraph: Well for starters it's written in Neo-Telkese, you can't read Neo-Telkese!

Lisa: Actually the eye implant that you gave me after our vacation on Telchine had a

translator that can translate over six million forms of alien text.

Seraph: What? I don't even remember installing that thing in your eye, also it's somewhat

off about the Telkine subspecies.

Lisa: What do you mean?

Seraph: Well, you see, there are actually eight.

Lisa: An eighth subspecies? How come I never knew about them?

Seraph: It's because you were never bothered to ask about it before, but now that you have

asked I will tell you, you see until the year 4000 the Telkines thought that they could not

die of old age, Minas Andu himself was the very first Telkine to of such a fate.

Lisa: What does that have to do with an eighth subspecies?

Seraph: He gave BIRTH to the first member of that species, Minas Aiur was born the same day his father died, at first they thought only Andurian Telkines could give birth unto their death, but they were wrong, soon Telkines from the other six species died the same way as Minas Andu, and so was the dawn of the Twilight Telkines.

Lisa: That's it? There just called Twilight Telkines?

Seraph: They couldn't think of a better name, besides the name kind of makes sense considering that there born at the end of a regular Telkines life.

Lisa: Well what do they look like?

Seraph: Like regular Telkines, except they have grey skin, plus their the second and third subspecies to be able to fly and breath fire, so there pretty much the best of all seven worlds.

Lisa: How long do regular Telkines live anyway?

Seraph: Ten thousand years, so a very long time.

Lisa: Hmm, that description sounds familiar.

Seraph: That's because there was one living in Springfield, I believe her name was "Thel

Aon".

Lisa: You mean Aon was a Twilight Telkine? How come she never brought that up?

Seraph: As far as I know nobody ever asked her about that.

Lisa: You mean, was her mother ten thousand when Aon was?

Seraph: That may be the case, now then I have an exam to study for, and why don't you

find Bart? (She enters her dorm room.)


	20. Chapter 20

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 20

(Three and a half hours after the last chapter, a silver ship belonging to Senator Rhea Orion is entering the atmosphere of Mimban IV.)

Rhea: Stan you seem tense, can I do anything for you?

Stan: No nothing at all.

Rhea: Are you sure?

Stan: Did you have to bring your handmaidens with you? I mean every time you bring

them with you send at least one or more out for some odd mission, and for some reason

someone turns up gruesomely eviscerated.

Rhea: Your point is?

Stan: Look it's just that, I don't know there's just something about them that rubs me the

wrong way.

Rhea: What exactly do you mean?

Stan: Well… I don't know.

Rhea: You think that one of them is going to attempt to kill you aren't you?

Stan: Something like that, yes.

Rhea: Stan I've known you since you were nine, (She puts her arms around Stan's

shoulders.) you know I would never let anything bad happen to you.

Stan: I'm well aware of that, but they just stand motionless in the cargo hold, what do you

do in there with them anyway?

Rhea: (Nervously.) Eh, that's not on a need-to-know basis, now I have to um, go

somewhere else on the ship.

Stan: In short, you're going to the cargo bay.

Rhea: Look just drop the subject for a moment and fly the sh, (Notices a flying manta

ray.) MANTA RAY!

Stan: (Struggles to steer the ship away from the manta ray, but he succeeds.) Point taken.

Rhea: Fine then, down to the cargo bay for me, (She goes down to the cargo bay, in there

are six women that look PRECISLY like her.) okay now, Sekhment, Thrace, Siren,

Hathor, Persephone, Andraste, we have our orders from lord Kaos, hunt down this spy

and make it look like an accident.

Siren: Why don't you join us this time sister? It will be fun.

Rhea: I know it's been awhile but I think you're all capable of doing this on your own.

Andraste: Not this again, look ever since you met that guy you've completely lost the

thrill of the hunt.

Rhea: If by the "hunt" you mean stalking hapless fools when they least expect it, and then

gruesomely driving a pair of plasma katana through their guts and then throwing them

into something that could disintegrate their remains. So yes there's a good chance I have

lost interest in the hunt what do you care about it?

Persephone: It's just that you used to be such a cold blooded killer, is it true you once

kidnapped Minas Aiur himself seven hundred and fifty years ago?

Rhea: (Nervously.) Don't make it sound like such a big deal, the whole operation

backfired horribly when he rammed a dagger into my Medulla oblongata and then my

head exploded. (The other 003's look at each other doubtfully.) Oh come on every one

Machina Prime knows about the failsafe that causes us to explode when killed in a violent

manner.

Hathor: We are well aware of that failsafe, but the point is how come you never come on

missions anymore.

Rhea: Listen if you think about it every mission Kaos sent us on has almost always gone

awry in some gruesome and ironic way, besides I'M supposed to be the Senator in this

assignment and I can't risk being killed on duty.

Sekhment: Well why not? You'd just be downloaded into a new body back on Machina

Prime anyway.

Rhea: Just drop the subject and be ready to land, I'm pretty sure Stan's starting to get antsy

as he always does when I'm back here with you.

Thrace: I'll never understand why you married that guy.

Rhea: He's cute for one, look just get ready and DROP the subject please!

(Meanwhile on Earth, The Simpson's are still packing to move, Grunchy is at the front

door and he is very, VERY angry.)

Grunchy: (Grumbles under his breath.) One of these days I am going to get Homer, I don't

know how and personally I don't want to know but I'm going to get him. (He pounds

loudly on the door.)** OPEN UP HOMER, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!**

Homer: (He opens the door.) Oh hi Grunchy I.

Grunchy: (He interrupts Homer.) Cut the chatter baboon hide and listen because I'm not going to repeat myself, I have put up with a lot of low-lives on this glorified hunk of granite for the last fifty years on just about every major landmass, Paris, Moscow, Mote Cristo, Casablanca, Detroit, St. Louis, New Orleans, St. Petersburg, New York, New Jersey, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Beijing, Cairo, Berlin, Stuttgart, Morocco, Yorkshire, London, Fresno, San Francisco, Honolulu, Istanbul, Bavaria, Toronto, Québec, Bismarck, Portland Oregon. You name it, I've worked there! But you are without a doubt the most empty headed, egotistical, obnoxious, worthless piece of hide I have EVER had the stupidity to work with, and that's pretty much the nicest way I can think of to describe you Earth-born filth and, (Notices a pile of box's.) why are there box's piled up?

Homer: We have to move just because I lied to the guy at the cloning lab.

Grunchy: You did WHAT!

Homer: I said I lied about who I was going to clone to the guy who ran the cloning lab.

Grunchy: What were you THINKING! It's a federal offence on this planet to lie about

clone templates; didn't I tell you that on the way to the cloning lab? (He sighs in

frustration.) Never mind, I'll find work somewhere else.

Homer: (Nervously.) Erm, perchance where is this, work that you speak of?

Grunchy: I'd tell you, but you'd just stock me across the stars and never leave me alone for

so much as five seconds.

Homer: Well Grunchy old pal, I was really hoping I didn't have to do this but, you see my

mom baked some pies and, I don't know.

Grunchy: The Fellowship of Andu is currently hiring mercenaries the salary is one

hundred to five thousand credits per assignment but ONLY if you do a good job or do it

all together, and it requires a license to fly a ship.

Homer: I can to fly a ship!

Grunchy: (Sarcastically.) Right, I've seen the way you've flown the car. (Points to the car

and shows random debris and dead birds stuck into the sides, and there's at least one

Thire Telkine stuck to the grill.) Yire before you try to kill him or exchange insurance

info, he has none and he's a dead man anyway.

Yire: I'll burn his scum covered hide to the abyss none the less! (He tries to breathe fire

but fails.) AH forget about, I'm going back to Telchine it's safer to fly there, and it's not

run by one of (Points at Homer.) THOSE THINGS! (He walks off.)

Homer: What's his problem?

Grunchy: You hit him with your car you idiot! Look I know a guy who can give you

flying lessons, he's a little bit crazy but he's the closest flying instructor to this address.

Homer: NO WAY you little munchkin!

Grunchy: I'll give you twenty credits if you take them.

Homer: SOLD! (He jumps into the car and flies away.)

Grunchy:** GAH! HE LEFT ME BEHIND! AGAIN!** (He starts to dance around angrily.)

Mona: Settle down little guy, want some pie?

Grunchy: (He stops dancing.) Okay, but I want whipped cream and ice cream with every

piece.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Seraph is in a dark room with Zaar and Daavas creating a

sort of light saber.)

Seraph: I still think that I should have applied my modifications to this task.

Daavas: Seraph we both know that Novus's can't customize their first light blade until

AFTER your first mission is complete, besides from what I saw from your blueprints

constructing that stupid thing would take forever to build.

Seraph: Not unless you know how to build it.

Zaar: He does have a point, but I have to be honest it did look rather cool, and the armor

designs. Seraph you're second only to the Telkines in weapon designing.

Seraph: You can dispense with the pleasantries sometime after were done with this.

(Captain Meem darts into the room and hides in a closet.)

Meem: (Whispering.) Keep your voices to a corpse's silence, the Dahaka approaches on

patient feet.

Daavas: What are you talking about you? (He's silent for two seconds.) Did either of you

sense that?

Seraph: Way ahead of you, I already finished my light blade.

Zaar: Oh yeah I sensed it two, was it a sort of painful sensation in the right foot?

Seraph: No it was more of an "A foreboding and evil presence is approaching prepared to

do something excessively gruesome to a poor sap" kind of sense.

Zaar: OH sensing with the Essence, wait I'm not the poor sap right?

Meem: (Whispering.) No it's me, now just act naturally. (He closes the closet door.)

(The door opens all of a sudden then promptly closes, Seraph then telekinetically raises

her light blade hilt in the middle of the air, she then ignites it and it waves around wildly,

at least once it cuts the assassin and reveals a figure in black armor.)

Assassin: (The Assassin shrieks in pain.) OUCH! You'll pay for that with your death

bloodskin! (The Assassin whips out a pair of plasma katanas.)

Seraph: I doubt that, (She drives her green light blade through the Assassins chest, the

Assassin then explodes into a giant bloody mess over every one.) OWW THAT STINGS!

What did I just kill a sentient dye pack!

Daavas: GAH! (He tries to rub the "blood" out of his eyes.) Your guess is as good as

mine, but let's get down to the med bay before this stuff sets in.

(Seraph and Daavas wander off to the med bay.)

Zaar: (The "blood" is all over his eyes.) Wait! I can't see!

Meem: (The "blood" is all over his eyes.) That makes two of us! (They bump into each

other; Zaar's face spikes jams into Meem's face.) OW!

Zaar: Sorry about that.

(Else ware in the school, Rhea is in a meeting with Masters Di-In, Nirvach, Thor and

Ibonek.)

Di-In: Now like I said the recent pirate raids on Fellowship and Alliance trade routes has

increased our debt by 79%, The Fellowship has increased patrol movements to counter

these raids but frankly it's not enough, The Koprulican Confederacy has offered to supply

the routes with extra ships and troops, until they can solve their logistics problems we can

basically wait till Iricorns grow gills, as for you Senator Orion your people haven't so

much has offered a star fighter for the routes protection, and your sister predictably

enough has offered just as much assistance as you.

Rhea: I'm well aware of the situation with the pirates, but it's the Prime Ministers choice

as to what to do with the armed forces.

Di-In: I am aware of that as well, be he appointed you as his regent until he gets over his

case of the Bugalorian plague, which I find odd that he caught in the first place last I saw

him he was as fit and healthy as a newborn Telkine spawnling.

Rhea: Oh right, (Sighs.) I never thought that thoraxes could be that big.

Di-In: Agreed, now will you be providing the reinforcements or are you just going to

duck into a closet and talk to your so called "psychiatrist" and then babble in denial as to why you were in there in the first place?

Rhea: (She nervously stutters.) Can I call for a recess? You know to collect my wits?

Di-In: No you may not! We've barley started this meeting and now you want a, (His communicator rings.) hold on I have to take this call from med bay, (He takes the call.) hello, Talos?

Talos: Master Di-In, Novus's Seraph Ashla, Zaar Lrack, and Daavas Majiac have reported that there might be an assassin in the school.

Di-In: THER'S A WHAA IN THE WHO-HAA!

Talos: Do not worry sire, as far as we know there is only one assassin on the loose, fortunately young Seraph killed it within sight.

Di-In: Hmm, impressive to say the least, wait why are they in med bay?

Talos: According to Daavas the assassin exploded into a giant bloody mess like a giant dye pack; in fact he said that it stings just as much.

Di-In: Wait do we have any idea as to why this assassin was here?

Talos: Not sure, but apparently it was after an agent from **T.E.A.R**.

Di-In: You can't be serious; the assassin was after an **T**elkine **E**gg **A**nswering **R**oom employee?

Talos: I guess so.

Di-In: I see, well then I'll be down to med bay within the hour. (He turns off the

communicator.) On second thought Rhea, you can have your recess, oh and one other thing there's a dead assassin. (He leaves the room.)

Rhea: (Gasps.) Does anyone of you mind if I hide in a closet or something?

Nirvach: Fine by me.

Thor: Only if you stay in there and don't anything weird.

Ibonek: (He's asleep, he snorts slightly.) Sure what ever.

Rhea: As you wish, (She goes into a closet and contacts lord Kaos.) milord Kaos, we have

a problem.

Kaos: I'll say, Siren's downloading into a new body as we speak, (A tank very much like a

resurrection tanks from Battlestar Galactica is right behind him, Siren is solidifying in the

tank.) now if Stan asks were she is just tell him that Siren will be going to Earth by a

different route.

Siren: (She completely solidifies in the tank, she breaths heavily in pain.) I hate

resurrecting; it feels like someone drove a white hot pike through my chest. No wait that's

what happened to me.

Kaos: Siren my dear, who killed you?

Siren: I don't know, one minute I was chasing the spy, the next thing I know a Twi'grutan

banshee slices me across the chest and then impales me, but don't worry the dye pack

failsafe worked like a charm.

Kaos: Did you manage to get any Intel on this spy?

Siren: Not much, just that his name is Captain Ork Meem, and that he's a member of

something called **T.E.A.R.** do either of you have any idea what that is?

Kaos: No it doesn't ring, but it does sound like a clever ruse.

Rhea: **T.E.A.R.** is a clever ruse, or at least that's what the Telkines like to think of it as

one. The **T**elkine **E**gg **A**nswering **R**oom is just a front for the **T**elkine **F**ellowship

**I**nterplanetary **D**efense **F**orce **L**imited.

Kaos: Impressive how did you know that?

Rhea: Let's just say that Minas Aiur isn't as good at keeping secrets as we once thought.

Kaos: Oh, well keep up the good work, and incidentally Rhea, I want that Twi'grutan's

head on a plate.

Rhea: (Meekly and with a few tears in her eyes.) By you command, I'll kill a young

Novus who has yet to do me any wrong. (She turns off her communicator; she then leaves

the closet that she was hiding in with a depressed and sick look on her face.) I hate my

job, I get the respect and love of an entire nation but the cons eclipse the pros.

Nirvach: That makes two of us.

Thor: You know you can always join the private military sector if your political career

doesn't work out.

Rhea: (Mournfully.) I would like that Master Thor, I would like that a lot. (She takes a sip

of water.)

(Meanwhile in Med Bay, there is a shiny silver skeleton on a table.)

Di-In: So this is the assassin? I'm not impressed.

Daavas: Yes I know but, (He takes a femur.) these bones are practically indestructible,

(He takes Seraph's light blade ignites it then rubs the femur against it.) see? It's as though

there made of Seraphim Mithril.

Seraph: He has a point, I tried to assimilate the remains but I got nothing, apart from the

entire "Lord of the Rings" book trilogy in binary nothing of relevance.

Di-In: (Awkwardly.) Okay then, I have to talk to Captain Meem about his mission. (He

leaves the Med bay.)

Seraph: (She takes her light blade from Daavas.) Daavas you should really start asking if

you can barrow my light blade.

Daavas: Meh, I already had one anyway.

Seraph: You wha?

Daavas: Well you see I made my light blade about a year ago, (He pulls out a purple

double-bladed light blade.) I forgot to mention it to you earlier.

Seraph: Then why use mine?

Daavas: I don't really like to use mine unless it's absolutely necessary.

Seraph: Then why were you and Zaar in the lab with me?

Daavas: Just wanted to relive found memories.

Seraph: Didn't you want to see me about that after I came back?

Daavas: Yes, but I kept putting it off and, well I was just too embarrassed.

(Bart suddenly comes in.)

Bart: (He notices the skeleton.) WHOA! (He picks up the skull.) What is this?

Zaar: The remains of an assassin, and get your filthy hands off of that thing!

Bart: Make me!

Zaar: (He shrugs.) Okay, but you asked for this not me. (He whips out a pair of yellow

light blades.)

Seraph: Daavas why didn't you tell me that Zaar had a pair of those?

Daavas: That also slipped my mind as well; we really have to talk more often.

Zaar: (He has his light blades against Bart's neck.) Say uncle and put the skull back!

Bart: (Weakly.) Uncle? (He puts back the skull.)

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer is in a secretary's office.)

Homer: Hello I'm here for flying lessons.

Secretary: Yes Mr. Worch is ready for you. (Homer walks into Mr. Worch's office to find

a Toydarian floating over a desk and he's on a phone.)

Mr. Worch: Take a seat sir this won't take a moment alright? Look Tyrana I know that

you don't like working with humans but this is their homeworld for crying out loud.

Tyrana: I don't care! If I see one more human amongst the next group of mercenary

recruits I will personally place a bounty on your head just to see how long you have left to

live, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!

Mr. Worch: Ye-Yes sir, goodbye sir. (He drops the phone.) So you want to learn how to

fly?

Homer: Yes.

Mr. Worch: Well get up on the table arms out, fingers together, knees bent.

Homer: What?

Mr. Worch: UP ON THE TABLE! (Homer climbs onto the desk.) Arms out, fingers

together, knees bent, (Homer does just that.) now head well forward, now flap your arms.

(Homer starts to flap his arms.) Go on faster, faster, FASTER, **FASTER!** Now jump!

(Homer jumps off the desk.) PATHETIC! You're the biggest wash up I have ever seen

you lard filled sack of puss!

Homer: Listen you!

Mr. Worch: No hard feelings though get back on the table.

Homer: Look I just came here to learn how to fly a starship!

Mr. Worch: You what?

Homer: I want to learn how to fly a starship.

Mr. Worch: Oh a spaceship is it? Walking ain't good enough eh? Oh boo hoo!

Homer: Look no human in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that!

Mr. Worch: Nothing is impossible sir, now get back on the table! (A fatigued Grunchy

crawls into the room.)

Grunchy: My that was a long walk. (He notices Worch.) Hey Giggara.

Giggara: Grunchy this isn't the best time I'm in the middle of an argument.

Grunchy: Giggara my old friend, if I've told you once I've told you over a thousand times,

HUMANS CAN NOT NATURALY FLY STUPID!

Giggara: Oh right, silly me I've spent so much time off the ground I think I have forgotten

how to walk.

(Back on Mimban IV, Seraph and Kirk are in a swamp.)

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: No.

Kirk: Are we there yet?

Seraph: **NO YOU PEA BRAIND LEACH!** You don't even remember why or were

where going to do you?

Kirk: (He pauses for a moment.) Are we there yet?

Seraph: (She yells in frustration.) Look it's part of my initiation! I fill out the forms, I

construct my own light blade, and now I have to do a random chore for Master Di-In,

which in this case involves hunting for the killer rabbit in this swamp!

Kirk: What rabbit?

Seraph: The one that Zaar and the janitor used to ramble about.

Kirk: No I mean what IS a rabbit?

Seraph: It's a rodent native to Earth, there often white or brown.

Kirk: If it's on Earth then why are we here?

Seraph: Look I'm just going to change the subject for a moment and say, the only reason I

brought you in case something could go wrong, personally I think that was the, (A white

rabbit jumps out of nowhere and lands square on Kirk's head, she whispers.) Kirk it's the

rabbit (She walks up to him slowly.) don't make any sudden loud moves.

Kirk: (He's screaming at the top of his lungs.) **CAN I TALK LOUDLY!** (The rabbit eats

him in a manner very similar to the "consume" ability from the video game

**"Prototype"**.)

Seraph: You can but I wouldn't recommend it, (She pulls out her light blade.) prepare to

die rat!

Rabbit: (It shrieks loudly then darts off to a howl.)

Seraph: This day just keeps getting curiouser and curiouser, every other two minutes.

(She crawls down the howl, thirty seconds later she falls into a giant cavern and falls flat

in some mud in front of the rabbit.)

Rabbit: Nya, (It eats a bone.) what's up bloodskin?

Seraph: (She pulls her face out of the mud.) I must be hallucinating; a talking killer rabbit

that can devour humans can't possibly be real.

Rabbit: Oh I'm real alright, but I can't believe that human was as stupid as he was, (It's

stomach garbles.) I think I might have indigestion.

Seraph: AHH! (She struggles to get up in fear; she then clinches to a wall.) WHAT ARE

YOU!

Rabbit: I'm just a little cute bunny rabbit, what you're afraid of rabbits? Now, now keep

your skirt on I can change into something more appealing, (It changes into a penguin.)

how's this? (Seraph's mouth is wide open in shock.) Okay, how about this? (It changes

into an Agwar Telkine.)

Seraph: (She regains her composer and draws her light blade.) Enough of this tomfoolery!

(She ignites it.) I am Seraph Ashla of the Ashla clan, and you shall feel no mercy from me

rat!

Rabbit: The Ashla clan?

Seraph: Yes the Ashla clan you stupid hat!

Rabbit: You know that's a funny thing. (It then turns into a female Twi'grutan around

twenty eight-years old.) **I** am a member of the Ashla clan.

Seraph: (She gasps in fear.) No, no you can't be!

Rabbit: Oh but I am. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Nian Ashla of the Ashla clan, or

as the galaxy at large likes to call me, ECIDNA.

Seraph: You can't be serious? All these longs years you have been hiding under the nose

of the Lukus Order?

ECIDNA: Not really, at first I was just a bounty hunter, but after a while chasing my prey

became boring so I consumed a rabbit and hid out here. So what has happened since I was

last out?

Seraph: You mean before or after the "incident" on Katorga XII?

ECIDNA: (Sighs.) People still remember what happened on that rock?

Seraph: Not really, just every Twi'gruta in the galaxy remembers it and it's highly

doubtful they ever will forget it.

ECIDNA: What makes you say that?

Seraph: My clan was exiled from there worlds for what you did, then three others went

along with us, then they isolated themselves to insure that an infection on that scale could

never happen on any Twi'grutan inhabited world ever again.

ECIDNA: You point is?

Seraph: They became an Empire in the shadows, and now they are planning a war to

exterminate all other life in the galaxy, all because of what Nian Ashla did on Katorga

with a previously unknown biological weapon.

ECIDNA: Really? Besides were relatives you can just call me Nian.

Seraph: Oh but I am serious, and how many Earth-born humans have you consume? From

what I'm hearing it sounds like you've forgotten what it means to have honor!

ECIDNA: What are you talking about?

Seraph: (Snarls in frustration.) Listen thanks to what you did; my clan can no longer take

proper Twi'grutan names! Just ask my mother if you ever meet her, and you have no right

to say that we are "relatives", you are just a mindless beast to me and nothing more!

ECIDNA: Look what do you want?

Seraph: Grand Master Pal Di-In wants me to capture the "killer rabbit" alive, but since

you're the rabbit is you I'll have to take you in.

ECIDNA: Hmm, a tempting offer, what's in it for me?

Seraph: A life time supply of Dxun kidney stones and Njord pancreases, but I'm willing to

share with my prey.

ECIDNA: SOLD! (She turns into a bizarre owl like creature, picks up Seraph and flies

out of the cavern.) So now what?

Seraph: Well for starters you can land. (They both land.) Now turn into the rabbit.

(ECIDNA turns into a rabbit, Seraph pulls out a cage.) Now get inside of this cage and

keep very, VERY quiet. (ECIDNA hops inside of the cage, Kirk then comes out of

nowhere.) Then you can eat Kirk when we get back.

ECIDNA: Oh please no! I think eating him the first time might have dubbed me down.

Seraph: Somehow I believe you on that one, but do it or you're not going to get the prize.

ECIDNA: Then I'm just going to, (She tries to turn into something bigger but the cage is

to strong.) what the?

Seraph: Funny thing about this cage, it's made from a highly dense metal that can't be

broken by conventional or unconventional means, such as sudden expansion.

ECIDNA: Oh you are one clever little Thrailing do you know that?

Seraph: Yes, I am fully aware of that, now just eat the human!

Kirk: Hey it's a rabbit! I just want to hug and squeeze you until you suffocate and turn

dark blue! (ECIDNA pounces out of the cage and promptly devours him.)

ECIDNA: There happy you little brat?

Seraph: Yes I am happy, (She injects ECIDNA with a form of tranquilizer and then puts

her back in the cage.) I am very happy.


	21. Chapter 21

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 21

(Two hours of walking latter, Seraph and Kirk are back at the school with ECIDNA in tow.)

Di-In: Seraph your back and you brought that slack jawed loon with you?

Seraph: O come on a sleeping rabbit isn't that, oh you mean Kirk, I know I probably

should have left him behind but people might get suspicious about where he his.

Di-In: Why would people want to look for him?

Seraph: Good point.

Di-In: Wait is that even the real rabbit or is that just a random one that you found?

Seraph: Yes I'm sure it's the one you sent me out to find, (ECIDNA wakes up suddenly

and starts snarling wildly, Seraph then gives Kirk the cage.) and now a demonstration.

(She presses a button on her wrist and the cage opens, ECIDNA then pounces on Kirk

then consumes him, and then Seraph pulls out a pistol loads it with a tranquilizer dart and

fires at ECIDNA and then puts her back in the cage.)

Di-In: Yep, that's a killer rabbit alright.

Seraph: Not to sound pushy but I think we should hand it over to the Fellowship Board of

Science.

Di-In: Normally I'd say no to a request like that but that might be a good idea, for your

service I hereby promote you from initiate to Novus, you will be assigned as soon as

possible to a Templar.

Seraph: Terrific, who do you have available?

Di-In: Well there's Stan Tartarus, I know Senator Rhea Orion has been pressuring me to

get him a Novus, but I'm not going to fulfill her request right away just to annoy the

banshee.

Seraph: I know that politicians have no real say in how the order works but isn't

somewhat rude to refuse a request from a politician?

Di-In: True but she interrupted our meetings four times, at first she was obsessed to meet

you now she seems a bit nervous to even bring up your species.

Seraph: I always did find her a little odd even for politician's standards.

Di-In: Can't argue with you there, you are dismissed, and if you meet her just try to ignore

her.

Seraph: As you wish Master. (Di-In walks off, then Zaar comes out of nowhere.)

Zaar: And hast thou slain the killer rabbit? Come to my arms, (He hugs Seraph.) my

crimson maid! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Seraph: (She's struggling under Zaar's hug.) IT'S NOT DEAD!

Zaar: (He drops Seraph.) It's not what?

Seraph: I said the killer rabbit isn't dead yet it was just asleep. (Zaar starts to run off

screaming and wildly waving his arms.) I probably should have just lied to him. (Lisa

then comes out of nowhere.) O joy I wonder what that little smart mouthed shizno has to

say to me now?

Lisa: (Arrogantly.) So where's the killer rabbit? Is he at a tea party with a mad hatter and a

door mouse?

Seraph: First off it was a she, secondly the closest thing I found to a door mouse and a

mad hatter was a rat eating a human corpse, and thirdly (Whispers.) that thing was Nian.

Lisa: (Sarcastically.) Yeah right and I'm the Queen of England.

Seraph: (Nervously.) Right, there was no killer rabbit, it was just a fool's errand and I was

the fool.

Lisa: Ha, ha, ha I knew it, (Seraph pushes a button on her wrist and Lisa punches herself

in the face.) OW! What the?

Seraph: You know you shouldn't randomly hurt yourself you might lose an eye, (She

presses another button and Lisa's left eye flies out and she chases after it.) I think I just

degraded myself to her brothers maturity, but let's face it all of their kind need to be

humbled every now and again. (She walks off whistling to herself.)

(Lisa chases after her eye, several feet later she bumps into Senator Rhea and knocks the

both of them off of their feet.)

Rhea: Hello there, (She picks up Lisa's eye.) does this belong to you?

Lisa: Why yes it does, (She takes the eye back and puts it into her empty socket.) I swear

I'll get Seraph for that stupid prank.

Rhea: Wait you know Seraph?

Lisa: Yes why do you know her?

Rhea: Well I know OF her, I have to ask you something what is she like?

Lisa: Why are you so interested in someone you've never even meet?

Rhea: Just curious, and also I've been meaning to see her about being apprenticed to a

"friend" of mine.

Lisa: Oh, well she does have a very short temper I can tell you that, one minute she can be

as happy and joyful as you can imagine the next she turn someone into a thick paste in

under a heartbeat without a second thought.

Rhea: So she's a bit of a loon?

Lisa: Something like that, but you can't really blame her I mean she is an ex-Thrail drone.

Rhea: Oh, she was a Thrailing?

Lisa: Yes, why is that important or something?

Rhea: No not at all, please continue.

Lisa: Well anyway at first she was quite helpful around the house, then one night I found

her crying in her bedroom I asked her what was wrong and, let's just say I may have

learned a little more than I would have wanted.

Rhea: What do you mean by that?

Lisa: She vaguely explained her family history, how her parents met, how she was

assimilated when she was just three days old, but apart from some sort of virus outbreak a

thousand years ago she never went into much detail about herself. (Seraph shows up.)

Seraph: It was mostly because you would not believe me on many important details, such

as the fact that I spent two years as a student here at Mimbans school form the light side

of the Essence, and you probably wouldn't believe that after that I spent five years at a

Koprulican orphanage.

Lisa: What makes you believe that I wouldn't believe that last one?

Seraph: It's because it is very rare to come out of one alive! It was essentially a boot camp

for just about anyone without any living relatives, ruthless drill sergeants, suicidal

training sessions, you name it Koprulican Junior Spartan Training Sanctuary Alpha

1711830040-42 had it.

Lisa: You mean we adopted you from that?

Seraph: In essence yes, but I do have a question for you, why are you bothering a member

of the Alliance senate?

Rhea: (Nervously.) Who me?

Seraph: Yes you Senator Rhea.

Lisa: You mean she's a Senator?

Seraph: (Sighs.) Yes Lisa, you were talking to a Senator, now can you please go?

Lisa: Okay, but first you have to apologize for, (Seraph presses a button her wrist and

Lisa's eye flies out again.) doing that twice! (She chases after her eye.)

Rhea: (She's perspiring.) That was pretty rude you know.

Seraph: I'm well aware of that, but believe me Lisa has a tendency of being very cocky.

Rhea: Still that was rude, and I'm not perspiring!

Seraph: Look I have to go; it was nice to meet you though.

Rhea: (She's stuttering slightly.) It was nice to meet you to. (She runs off.)

Seraph: (She sniffs her armpits and she cringes.) I really should have taken a longer

shower when I got here.

(Early the next day, which I think is Monday, Bart, Lisa, Kirk, and Captain Meem are on

a Starliner for Earth, and there's a weird guy sitting next to them.)

Meem: So, who are you?

Kizer: (Monotone.) I am called Kizer.

Meem: Ah, so where both going to Earth, why are you going?

Kizer: I am going to find my long lost son, you?

Meem: I'm going to meet my brother-in-law on, "important business" if you know what I

mean.

Kirk: (He has his hand in his mouth, he then pulls it out and it's covered in saliva.)

HELLO!

Kizer: Never mind I think I found him.

Bart: You can't be serious this slack jawed idiot is your son!

Kizer: Unfortunately, (Kirk then EATS his hand.) yes.

Satarliner Attendant: Attention passengers, due to a bizarre cosmic phenomena we will be arriving at the Capitol City spaceport ahead of schedule, and will the passenger in seat 1318-Delta please stop eating himself your disturbing the other passengers.

Kirk: (He has eaten half of his left leg.) I think she means you Meme, Marmoset,

Mongoose?

Meem: Will you just shut up?

(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Lisa are home.)

Marge: Bart, Lisa! Your home, where's Seraph?

Bart: Yeah a funny thing about that, you see Seraph sort of stayed behind.

Marge: What do you mean by that?

Lisa: You see, Seraph made up the whole "surprise filed trip" thing as a cover up so she

could get a transfer to an off world private school.

Marge: She did what!

Bart: Yeah she cracked pretty easily on the first week of school so she lied about going to

something called "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence."

Marge: You mean she lied to me?

Lisa: Basically yes.

Marge: I can't believe her! (She goes over to the QDATm-47 and turns it's on.) Sheila do

you know where this "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence" is?

Sheila: I'm sorry but that is highly classified knowledge, my intellectual capacity is

limited to public knowledge and this "Mimban's school of the light side of the Essence"

and (Marge gets a pick ax.) Marge what are you doing with that?

Marge: Either you tell me what this "Mimban's" is or I will destroy you!

Sheila: Fine then, do it, I've got nothing to live for; ever since I lost my unborn child I

don't deserve to exist.

Marge: No don't be so hasty, look just tell me were Seraph is.

Sheila: I would but she swore me to secrecy.

Marge: But I just want to talk to her, (Shows the dreaded, **PUPPY DOG EYES!**) pretty

please?

Sheila: No and the puppy dog eyes don't work on me.

Marge: Pretty please with sugar on top?

Sheila: NO!

Excalibur: Just call Seraph please? Marge is getting on my nerves.

Sheila: Look the answer is still no, (Sighs.) alright but don't tell her that I told you were

she was.

Marge: Deal.

Sheila: Alright, the system code is Epsilon-0991339399-Omega-152789103-Lurna-

232312430578.

Marge: Could you repeat that slower?

Sheila: Marge I'm tired and that's the slowest I can explain, now leave me alone.

Marge: But I want to call Seraph.

Sheila: Use a phone like a normal person.

Marge: I'm not even sure if that kind of address works on a phone.

Sheila: (Sighs.) Look there's a holophone feature programmed in, I'll type in the code for

you and call Seraph for you.

(Several minutes later, Seraph receives a call on Mimban.)

Seraph: Who is this? (Sheila's hologram pops up.) Sheila how have things been for you?

Sheila: Not well I'm afraid; anyway Marge wants to speak to you.

Seraph: Bart and Lisa didn't lie about why I never came back did they?

Sheila: No they didn't, anyway she's a bit ticked off that you never got back.

Seraph: You're not going to put her on are you?

Sheila: I'm sorry, but she insisted on it.

Seraph: She threatened you with the pick ax again didn't she?

Sheila: Exactly, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to patch you through, take it away

Margarine. (The hologram changes to Marge.)

Marge: **SERAPH ASHLA SIMPSON!** Where are you?

Seraph: Okay let's get our facts straight first, A. I burnt up the adoption forms so were not

legally related, B. I'm not a Simpson, Charon's blood I'm not even human! C, I don't care

what your personal standards are I'm old enough to make my own choices.

Marge: I don't care! I am your mother and demand that you come back to Earth RIGHT

NOW!

Seraph: I will not comply, and by the way you're not my mother.

Marge: What, did you just say?

Seraph: You heard me, you are not my mother, for all my know my real one is either dead or still a mindless cyborg drone, either way I have no attachments with you or the rest of the human race what so ever.

Marge: (Stutters.) What?

Seraph: You and your family were nice I'll be honest with you there, but I have to be

blunt, you are the most controlling human I have ever met. Homer is without a doubt the

most codependent twit I've ever meet. Lisa is a grade A-OMEGA class narcissist. Bart is

just, I don't know just gross, weird and immature. Don't get me started on Springfield in

general, the entire city is just a festering hive of scum and villainy, and unnecessary

xenophobia I might add. As far as I can remember I have never done anything to provoke

anyone into hating me and yet I bare such colorful nicknames as **pinko, Stalin's little **

**girl, the Red maiden of Leningrad** just because I have red skin, and the most confusing

of all **Snips **what in the name of Shilroth does that even mean?

Marge: Erm, look can't you come home? It's safe here and you don't have to get hurt.

Seraph: I'm sorry Marge I know you mean well, but if I abandon the oath I swore to the

order yet again then I have nothing to live for.

Marge: Look don't throw your life away!

Seraph: I won't lie to you, there's a war on the horizon, I'd rather die with purpose then

live without it, much less live with the kind of pointless frustration I had putting up with

the lot of you. End of discussion I'm ending this transmission now. (She does so.)

Marge: I can't believe she just hung up on me!

Sheila: You didn't bother to listen to one word she just said did you?

Marge: Sheila can you call Homer and tell him that if he gets his job as a mercenary to

keep tabs on Seraph? While you're doing that I'll go upstairs and get Bart and Lisa up to

speed as to what their father did over the weekend. (She leaves the basement.)

Sheila: I'll take that as a yes, (she makes a call to Homer.) Homer are you there or are you

passed out drunk?

Homer: (There's the sound of a falling aircraft.) NOT YET! BUT I MIGHT BE DEAD IN

THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, OR LESS!

Sheila: Homer what's happening?

Homer: (There's a crashing sound.) That?

Grunchy: (Dazed.) I hate you so much right now.

Sheila: I take it your flying lessons aren't going so well?

Grunchy: You don't know the half of it.

Homer: What? It's not my fault they never tell you how drive these things.

Grunchy: (He's pointing on the steering wheel.) The steering wheel is right here, (He then

points to a button with "On/Off" written on it.) and this is the ignition button.

Homer: Whatever.

Sheila: Look Homer, just tell me where you are.

Homer: (He squints.) I see a giant white pointed tower thingy, I also see a giant guy with

a mustache sitting on a big white chair thing, and I also see the White House for some

reason.

Sheila: Hold it, (She mumbles under her breath for a second.) Homer you idiot! You're in

Washington DC!

Homer: Look what is this about?

Sheila: Alright, (She begins to talk quickly.) Seraph lied about going to a surprise to field

trip to Katarn II but in reality she went there to reestablished her lost connection to the

Essence and now she's re-enlisted into the Lukus Order headquartered on Mimban IV and

now Marge wants me to tell you that if you manage to get the position as a mercenary you

should keep taps on Seraph if you ever get assigned to fight with her or something, (She

takes a deep breath.) so basically she lied to you and Marge.

Homer: (His face begins to turn red.) Yes, that is interesting, can you excuses me for a

moment? (He puts Sheila on hold and there's muffled yelling on Homer's end.)

Sheila: I hate being the bearer of bad news.

Excalibur: Oh don't say that dea… never mind forget I said anything.

(Meanwhile else ware in Washington DC, President Catherine Oranos, her sister Rhea

Orion, an elderly man that looks like Arcturus Mengsk from StarCraft, (Premier

Maccabeus Thermopylae of the Koprulican Confederacy), and Minas Aiur the Twilight

Emperor of the Fellowship of Andu.)

Aiur: I ask the three of you yet again, will you or will you not assist the Fellowship in

hunting down the pirate filth?

Maccabeus: As I told you the last time we spoke I will provide support, but cloning

proper troopers takes time and were having enough problems protecting our own trade

routes.

Aiur: (Sighs.) Well excuses aren't good enough for me, Rhea I am disappointed that you

haven't offered any forces to help purge the corsair scum.

Rhea: Well as I have said many times before only the Prime Minister can decide how to

deploy the military, and I am not the Prime Minister.

Aiur: On a completely unrelated note he turned over all of his duties over to you until his

health improved.

Catherine: (Whispers to Rhea.) How are those two things unrelated?

Rhea: (Whispers to Catherine.) They are related he was just being sarcastic.

Catherine: (Whispers to Rhea.) Well he didn't sound sarcastic.

Aiur: CATHERINE! I am especially appalled at your lack of support, but not surprised in

the least.

Catherine: Well it's not like your "Fellowship" has done anything, I mean you just sit in

your massive palace brooding over your failure to correct the Katorga XII incident, and the fact that we never properly honored your kind for terraforming our planet over a millennia ago, and telling your citizens to make it as frustrating as possible for any of my citizens to make an honest living in your space and put an overzealous consequence for so much as petty theft, and besides wasn't the Fellowship Bureau of Intelligence supposed to find the pirate base?

Aiur: (He snarls in anger.) Such a sharp tongue and big vocabulary for one of the Earth-

born, let me guess you learned all of those big words on your own?

Rhea: (She clears her throat.)

Aiur: Rhea I'm well aware that neither you or your sister were actually born on your

respective homeworlds, you were both spawned on the planet Horus V but you and your

sister were raised on separate planets, Earth and Amidala respectively, but let's be honest

Catherine's just as big a ditz as the next Earth-born female human.

Catherine: (She gasps in shock.) How dare you! I suppose you can solve this whole pirate

crisis on your own?

Aiur: I never once said such a thing, and if you think I'm going to sick the entire Narsil

reserves onto a pack of pirate filth like common dogs then you're more foolish and naïve

then I thought you were.

Catherine: Well why don't you? While you're at it why don't you also use your "Essence"

powers that you have to conjure up a fleet made out of dust and apiece of? (She begins to choke on something.)

Aiur: (He is using the Essence to strangle Catherine.) I find your lack of faith in my people disturbing, but not predicable in anyway what so ever.

Rhea: Aiur please stop it!

Aiur: (He lets go of Catherine.) I do this because I wish of it not because it is asked of me,

anyway I already had an agent find the pirate base, and he has successfully integrated

himself into the Wrath of Kaos, and now under order from lord Kitrach Armss'rij he has

come to this planet to find a specialist that could help prevent an all-out galactic war.

Maccabeus: Isn't Armss'rij the head of **T.E.A.R.**?

Aiur: Look if I told anyone of you once I've told you a thousand times! The **T**elkine **E**gg

**A**nswering **R**oom is just a clever ruse for **T**elkine **F**ellowship** I**nterplanetary **D**efense

**F**orce **L**imited.

Maccabeus: Well who is the agent and who is he looking for?

Aiur: I'd tell you but I would have all of you killed, and I remember the trouble I got into

the last time I order the deaths of one or more statesmen so I'm staying tight lipped about

my government secrets.

Catherine: (She storms out of the room.) OH I'm so not a good day!

Maccabeus: Can't you at least tell me who this agent you're looking for?

Aiur: Hmm, I suppose I could, his name is Thel Andúril.

Rhea: You mean the inventor of the Machina?

Aiur: I might be.

Catherine: Isn't that like an alien martini or something?

(Meanwhile at Moe's Tavern, Meem is at a table and Ur-nuck has just given him an odd

looking glass.)

Ur-nuck: What you don't like it?

Meem: No I didn't say I wanted to drink an Andúril I said I wanted to see a Telkine

named Andúril!

Ur-nuck: But you're the first customer to order anything other than beer for nearly two

months, all the humans drink is beer, beer, and surprise MORE BEER!

(There are FBI agents sitting in a corner badly disguised as aliens.)

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) We are not humans.

FBI agent 2: (Monotone.) Were is our beer? We have finished our beer.

Ur-nuck: Would you like some Fangornian Sap instead?

FBI agent 1: (He and the other FBI agents moan in disgust.) That is not beer.

Ur-nuck: (He yells in frustration and bangs his head against the wall.) Out of all the bars

on the planets in all the stars in all the systems in all the sectors in all the arms in all the

galaxy_** I**_ had to work in this one, _**I**_used to be the crown prince of the Urdnots for crying

out loud! (He goes into the back room.)

Meem: (He goes over to the FBI agents, he then talks deliberately and slowly to them.)

Do any of you humans, SPEAK English?

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) We are not humans.

FBI agent 2: I might be. (FBI agent 1 hushes him.)

FBI agent 3: Oktoberfest!

FBI agents 1 and 2: Were! Were! Were!

Meem: Do any of you know of a Telkine named Andúril?

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What Andúril as in?

Meem: A popular drink on Telchine yes.

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Like the one that the big fellow just gave you?

Meem: Yes.

All FBI agents: (In unison and Monotone.) No.

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What does this Andúril do?

Meem: Well you see he's a Dxun teaser.

Moe: What's a Dxun teaser? (Ur-nuck comes out of the back room and whispers into his

ear then promptly leaves.) Oh that's disgusting!

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) The only Telkine that we know of that has the designation of

Andúril lives around Evergreen Terrace in this city.

Meem: Ah thank you.

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Are you into inter-planetary spying to?

Meem: No I'm with the Mars brothers, who are you with?

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) FBI, (Whispers.) but not a word to the bartender.

Meem: Oh and could you and your friends take these? (He gives the FBI agents a series

of disks.)

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) What are these?

Meem: These are a very special type of holo-disguise that a talented young lady Twi'gruta gave me on Mimban IV, don't use it until your done here and feel free to spread out for no good reason.

(Meem leaves and Ur-nuck arrives with the agent's beer.)

Ur-nuck: Here's your stupid beer.

FBI agent 1: (Monotone.) Thank you Tyler.

Ur-nuck: I'M NOT A HUMAN! (He breaks down at their table.) Alright, I'll tell you were

Moe is keeping the illegal explosives just stop annoying me.

FBI agent: Deal!

(Meanwhile at the Simpson's house, Marge is explaining to Bart and Lisa as to what

Homer was doing in the three days that they were gone.)

Lisa: Let me get this straight, Dad was eavesdropping on Seraph last Friday and heard

something about cloning and then on Sunday he and Grunchy went to a cloning lab outside of town lied to the professor in charge about who he was going to clone and now we have to move off of Earth by the end if the month or the government will kill us!

Marge: That's just about it.

Bart: Whoa dad got us clones? Of who?

Marge: Maggie and your Grandmother.

Bart: Wahoo! (He runs off.)

Lisa: You do realize that Bart did listen to a word you just said right?

Marge: At this point I'm used to it. (There's a knock at the door.) Who could that be? (She

opens the door and Meem is behind it.)

Meem: Excuse me Ma'am but do you know where I can find a Thel Andúril?

Marge: He lives right across the street, but first why don't you come in?

Meem: No thanks madam but I'm in a hurry.

Marge: Look can't we just sit down for some coffee?

Meem: I would but I don't have the time I'm being hunted down by some crazed assassins. (He leaves.) She may have been annoying but she was more helpful then those stupid kids from the spaceport. (He walks over to the Thel's house and he rings the door bell, Knara then answers the door.)

Knara: Uncle Meem! (She hugs him.)

Meem: How's my favorite niece been doing? I heard a little rumor that you were starting

high school.

Knara: I was why are you here anyway?

Meem: I have to meet you father about something.

Andúril: I'm in the living room, (Meem walks into the living room to find Andúril

watching TV.) nice of you to drop by, who sent you Aiur? Armss'rij?

Meem: It was Armss'rij; anyway he has asked me to recruit you for a very dangerous

mission that could prevent an all-out galactic war.

Andúril: Thanks but no thanks.

Meem: Well as far as we know, WHAA!

Andúril: I'm sorry but I'm not going, I've got enough guilt on my mind as it is.

Meem: Look nobody ever blamed you for creating the Machina; you've been taking too

much blame on yourself.

Andúril: You still don't get it do? I was given the rare duty of assisting Minas Andu

himself in developing a method to fight back against the DAKA, after dozens of failed

attempts I finally developed MCP and, well we both know what happened after that.

Meem: Look I know that they went rogue and nearly destroyed the Fellowship but.

Andúril: You miss the point! (Sigh.) MCP was like a son to me, as were the other

Centurions that followed after him, they betrayed us all, they betrayed me, up until then

we had never known betrayal within our own ranks.

Meem: Oh dear not this again.

Andúril: Yes it is this again; I think I may have understood how the Seraphim felt when

the Charons betrayed their trust.

Meem: Ah ha, so since the end of the war you've been wandering around the galaxy

looking for a meaning to your existence beyond the mistake with the Machina, which has

you now sitting on your butt drinking purified Agwarian tears while watching old Mars

brother's movies.

Andúril: Pretty much yes, (He chuckles.) that "Via-Dxun" bit never gets old.

Meem: Agreed, but isn't there something that you.

Andúril: No buts I like it here, it's calm, it's peaceful, oh who am I kidding it's just down

right miserable, the pay is lousy, the neighbors are rude, the police force is incompetent,

my children are contently teased without any real purpose, and on top of that. (Super

Intendant Chalmers walks in.)

Chalmers: THEL!

Andúril: I can never keep my home life and my work life separate.

Chalmers: Andúril I don't mean to pry into your private life again, but we have to discuss

the school budget, I mean you've cut teachers' salaries to nearly nothing; the only class

you've ever gotten rid of was robotics.

Andúril: Listen I had a good reason for doing the things that I did.

Chalmers: I don't want to hear about it, either you correct these budget cuts or you are

fired!

Andúril: Don't bother, I quit.

Chalmers: What did you say?

Andúril: (He grabs Chalmers by the throat and lifts him off of his feet.) YOU HEARED

ME! I am tired of being underappreciated! I am ill of having to put up your inane babble

about my conduct, the students are anti-social at best, and at worst barbaric and vulgar,

and I will no longer stand for the fact that you have a Telkine at your disposal. If you

want a spineless mama's boy who will obey your word without question or any real

reluctance then rehire that whelp Skinner. (He puts Chalmers down.) Plus I want to deny

you the pleasure of actually firing me, do I make myself clear?

Chalmers: Alright then, I'll tell Skinner he's been promoted back to principle, but I warn you.

Andúril: Of what? I'm the one with a house full of weapons not you. Now get off of my

property or else. (Chalmers runs out of his house.)

Meem: I'll take that as a yes.

Andúril: You better believe it, Aon I'm going to be off world for a while can you take care

of the house while I'm gone?

Knara: Mom is at work.

Andúril: Right then, (He picks up a phone and calls Aon.) hello Aon?

Aon: Yes what is it?

Andúril: Aon I'll make this quick and simple, (He starts to talk quickly.) your brother

Meem asked me to go on a mission off world and I just quit my job.

Aon: Not again, this is the fourth job you've quit this millennium why can't you ever keep

down a job?

Andúril: Listen I'm just going off world for a few days, I can worry about getting a new

job after that.

Aon: You know how I worry about you whenever you're away.

Andúril: Yes I know, you know I love but as we both know the will of mother Telchine

comes before all things.

Aon: I know, just be careful.

Andúril: I promise you nothing my dear, goodbye, (He hangs up.) she always was a bit

timid but you can't deny here bravery.

Meem: (Sighs.) Just like Mother.

(Meanwhile in Washington DC, Catherine is sitting on a bench frowning.)

Catherine: (Grumbling.) Stupid Aiur, thinks that just because he has "powers" he can

push me around, oh if I had powers things would be different and people would actually

listen to me.

Rhea: (She walks up to Catherine.) Catherine I'm sorry about the temper that Aiur threw

during the meeting, but he is under a lot of pressure.

Catherine: Funny how I'm the only one he ever abuses when he is angry.

Rhea: You and I know just as much as anyone that Telkines in general don't like Earth-

born humans.

Catherine: Yes I know, the Telkines go out of their minds to help us a thousand years ago

and we still haven't properly acknowledged their contribution.

Rhea: Look this isn't about that right now, this pirate crisis is getting completely out of

hand.

Catherine: But Earth hasn't had a proper military for almost seven hundred fifty years, not

since that fiasco when Aiur was kidnapped and every one suspected then President Vancouver Mausoleum for the whole thing.

Rhea: (Suspiciously.) Yes, that was something, not that I was alive to be there but, still it

had to have been something.

Catherine: Okay then, look the point is we no longer have a navy, apart from Grand

Admiral Gol-Gor Oth's personal flagship it isn't much of a navy.

Rhea: You know it doesn't have to be just the Eagle's Talons, you can create a fleet like

that the galaxy has never seen, it could create new jobs on world.

Catherine: Well I did promise new job opportunities, and besides it's time my own

citizens started pulling their own weight.

Rhea: That's the spirit!

Catherine: Now if you'll excuse me I have to talk to Aiur. (She walks back into the

conference room to find Aiur and Maccabeus in a discussion.)

Aiur: Funny I would have imagined after that choke that you wouldn't.

Catherine: I will support the war effort against the pirates.

Aiur: What the? I mean it's about time you Earth lice decided to be of use, but let's face it

one ship a navy that does not make.

Catherine: I'm well aware of that, but I have the authority to make it otherwise you know

that right?

Aiur: Sure, sure you do, but I get personal command of the Eagle's Talons until then.

Catherine: But you already have your own flagship the "Twilight's Wrath".

Aiur: Yes but.

Catherine: But nothing! I will raise a fleet beyond imagining, and I intend it put Gor-Gol

Oth in charge of it, besides how long could it take to raise I fleet?

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Master Pala Di-In is in a room with Novus's Daavas Majiac,

Seraph Ashla, and Zaar Lrack.)

Di-In: Okay then, Daavas you'll be assigned to Master Ibonek Naw-Ibo.

Daavas: By your will master Di-In. (He politely bows and then leaves.)

Di-In: Seraph despite my better judgment and yours by a marginal degree, I'm assigning

you to Stan Tartarus.

Seraph: What! I'm sorry sir but isn't he, I don't know. An irresponsible, and reckless goof

ball?

Di-In: Yes, but if you stick to it long enough he might become a new person.

Seraph: That's what I thought when I first went to Earth, I honestly tried my hardest but I

made no progress whatsoever.

Di-In: I can imagine that, but you and know that Stan is of the Koprulican brood, there

completely different from the loons from Earth.

Seraph: Believe me after five years of having to put up being awaken in the morning by

an ear piercing morning call and having to eat wet sand for every meal the differences are

staggering.

Di-In: You'll never let go of your personal grudges with humanity will you?

Seraph: No hell a furry like a women scorned, but I will not let my trauma at the hands of

man blind my judgment.

Di-In: I pray that you will keep this promise to yourself, dismissed.

Seraph: By your will Di-In. (She politely bows and then leaves.)

Zaar: So who did I get assigned to?

Di-In: Actually Zaar I have some bad news, I couldn't assign you to any masters.

Zaar: WHAT!

Di-In: I'm sorry, but every thought you were annoying and no one with the rank of Master

of Templer wanted you as their Novus, in fact during a pole taken on Montezuma last

year you were voted as the most undisciplined and irritating Quetzal in the galaxy.

Zaar: You can't be serious, every Master and Templer in the order thought that I was

annoying, and on top of the over one hundred billion Quetzals got together to complain

about my lack of discipline and how I get on their nerves? I bet my sister was voted as the

most disciplined and least irritating.

Di-In: Actually, yes she was.

Zaar: Figures, with (Mockingly.) "Princess Selendis Lrack" as a measuring stick to me I

look like a common stooge!

Di-In: Now, now be patient someone will want you to be their Novus, eventually.

Zaar: (Sarcastically.) Terrific. (He leaves the room and he angrily breaks a wall.)

Di-In: (Sighs.) Quetzals, since the beginning they were always short tempered.

(Meanwhile in the Tortuga systems, there's a ship entering the system.)

Meem: (He's panting.) My, that was a close one.

Andúril: I'll say, why didn't you tell me assassins were after you? I would have brought

my Vor'cha-327 from home.

Meem: It's because I thought I threw them off my tail, I wonder if those FBI agents even

used the holo-disguises I gave them.

Andúril: Okay then, Meem are you sure were in the right system?

Meem: I'm pretty sure I was here just last week.

Andúril: Well they must be working fast because I don't think that pirates are capable of

building something like that. (He points to a giant space station that looks like a mix

between High Charity and the Citadel, and a Star Forge over the systems star.)

Meem: Your right, that wasn't here the last time I was here, Burns must be working with a

lot of people to build something on this scale.

Andúril: But I heard he was dead.

Meem: Humans are more persistent then the graves denial, also we think that someone

may have cloned him and his assistant.

Andúril: Okay then, so how do we get onboard?

Meem: Leave that part to me, (He puts on his Emme disguise.) (In a bad Russian accent.) comrade.

Andúril: Oh no.

(Meanwhile inside of the station's throne room.)

Mr. Smithers: Mr. Burns our droid production is up to 5000%, the fleets are ready for

your orders.

Mr. Burns: (Sinisterly.) Excellent, I want everything to converge on, (He gets a call.) Hold on one moment, (He presses a button and Lith'mars hologram appears.) What do you want now?

Lith'mar: Your highness I believe the time is right for use to invade the Earth.

Mr. Burns: Yes I was thinking just the same thing.

Lith'mar: But first I think that we must first invade the planet Narsil to "test" the

effectiveness of our forces on the Fellowship of Andu's fleets.

Mr. Burns: NO! I am tired of delays; I will send my fleets to Earth RIGHT NOW!

Lith'mar: Two late, I have already talked Bob into my plan, and I also told him that

anything that you may say as to other wise he should ignore. (Her hologram disappears.)

Mr. Burns: Hello? I said HELLO!

Mr. Smithers: I think she might have disconnected her call.

Mr. Burns: (He screams in frustration.) CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE! (A

disguised Meem and Andúril walk into Burn's throne room.) Never mind, Emme your

back, have you brought any intelligence?

Emme: I'm sorry comrade Burns, I found no intel verth revorting, but I found new recruit,

meet comrade Leht! (He shows that Andúril is wearing poncho and a huge sombrero

obscuring his face.)

Andúril: (Surprisingly good Mexican accent.) Buenos dias senior Burns, my friend Emme

told of me of the lucrative opportunities for pirates under your command.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, now then Emme, as my most trusted minion I must ask you this,

were do you think I should test my nearly infinite armada on? I say Earth but Lith'mar

thinks I should do it on some planet called Narsil, what do you think?

Emme: Uh, do you mind if I talk this over with comrade Leht?

Mr. Burns: Not at all.

Meem: Right vhen, (Both he and Andúril rush into another room.) okay we have three

choices, we can have him send his fleets to Earth, Narsil, or any nearby black holes.

(Andúril eyes him angrily.) Make that Narsil or a black hole

Andúril: But there aren't any black holes in or around this system, and besides this

Lith'mar he has been listening to might get suspicious if we tell him were one is.

Meem: You do realize that.

Andúril: Yes I do, contact Armss'rij and tell him to prepare the garrisons on Narsil for a

war.

Meem: Aye sir, (He does so.) this is Meem to Armss'rij, I repeat this is Ork Meem to

Kitrach Armss'rij do you read me?

Armss'rij: Loud and clear, what is it?

Meem: I have found Andúril, I repeat I have found and recruited Thel Andúril.

Armss'rij: Wonderful Meem!

Meem: But I have some bad news, Burns wants use to choose a place to send his massive

fleet and, well he gave two choices, I opted for a third choice but the nearest black hole is

seven systems away from Tortuga, and Andúril's family is still on Earth.

Armss'rij: Hmm, this is a toughie, what was one of the choices?

Meem: Narsil.

Armss'rij: Then Narsil they shall go.

Andúril: WAIT! Problem there sir, I'm reviewing the crew manifests and, (in shock.) by

Iam.

Armss'rij: What, what's wrong?

Andúril: The gang membership exceeds five-hundred trillion, and that's not including the

droids in there service.

Meem: How many is that?

Andúril: Nine-hundred and fifty trillion, and it's growing by the hour, call me rash

tongued, but with this army these filth could conquer the universe.

Armss'rij: Watch your words Andúril, what you say is heresy.

Andúril: That may be, but it certainly looks that way, even the Thrail couldn't raise a

force this massive, regardless were this force goes the dead bodies would pile up and

form mountains.

Armss'rij: Look try to divert his forces for something else, try to spread out his forces

across the galaxy and thin the whelps out.

Andúril: With all due respect don't absurd, he may be dumb enough to fall for a pair of

Telkines wearing a mustache, a sombrero and a poncho and think there humans, but I

doubt he's dumb enough to just spread his forces across the stars like butter upon too

much bread.

Armss'rij: Yeah I could never figure out idioms from the Lord of the Rings either but we

have more to worry about right now, I think I may have an idea.

Andúril: Indulge me.

Armss'rij: You exploit his vanity by telling him to make alliances with crime lords.

Meem: But this guy is a crime lord!

Armss'rij: With other crime lords I mean, and I know just the, amphibian for the job if you know what I mean.

Meem: You don't mean.

Armss'rij: Yes I do Captain, yes I do.

Andúril: Does he mean, Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc?

Armss'rij: Yes, yes I do.

Andúril: **ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND! **He's the most feared gangster in the

civilized galaxy, I hear he has an entire wardrobe made from Telkine hide, for crying out

loud that overgrown frog should be in prison!

Armss'rij: Agreed, but from what I hear he has a ten year old tad pole, and you know how

much his people care for their young.

Meem: Are you suggesting that we kidnap the son of a Gangster AND a convicted

murderer?

Armss'rij: No I'm not suggesting that YOU two do it, I'm ordering you to talk Burns into

it, and in the meantime do what you can to sabotage his operations.

Meem: Very well then, this is captain Meem signing out. (He turns off his communicator and they both return to the throne room.) Ve have decided that instead we kidnap gangsters son.

Mr. Burns: Are you mad!

Meem: And frame someone else for it, we can expand out already glories armvada into an

even greater armvade if we can pull it through.

Mr. Burns: Splendid, I'll send a task force to kidnap this gangsters son, who is he anyway?

Andúril: He goes by the name of senior Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, you may leave.

Andúril: Adios amigos! (He and Meem leave the throne room.) The fool, I'm nearly three

millennia old and I know better than to trust the new guys.

Meem: Agreed, anyway I never knew that Otiv was married.

Andúril: He never did, and from what I heard he never once had a "fun night in the sack".

Meem: Then were? (Andúril whispers in his ear.) EWW! I thought your job as a Dxun

teaser was gross!


	22. Chapter 22

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 22

(In the Tortuga systems, Grand Admiral Bob receives a call from Mr. Burns.)

Bob: (He kneels to him.) What is thy bidding my master?

Mr. Burns: Yes, I need you to kidnap a child, specifically the son of alien gangster Otiv

"The Toad" Enoelroc.

Bob: (Gets back on his feet.) But your highness, haven't your heard anything about this

fellow?

Mr. Burns: To be honest with you, no.

Bob: Let me put it to you this way, he's a sort of frog like alien who has no sense of

morality except for personal honor, and if the rumors are right he has an entire wardrobe

made from the skin of humans, Telkines 'Vadams, you name he has it.

Mr. Burns: Big deal, I have just about every animal in the world as a piece of clothing.

Bob: Oh never mind, look why do you want me to do this?

Mr. Burns: I want to frame the first person who finds his son after we kidnap him.

Bob: Are you sure that's such a good idea?

Mr. Burns: Of course I'm sure; if it works we will have an alliance with him.

Bob: But sir our numbers already exceed the trillions, with this kind of military prowess

we could conquer the entire universe if the opportunity comes up.

Mr. Burns: Yes, but two new friends of mine recommended it, you know to play around

with the minds of our enemies eh?

Bob: I suppose so.

Mr. Burns: Very well then, dismissed. (He turns off the hologram.)

Bob: I'm beginning to think that working for this guy was a bad idea, (He contacts

Lith'mar.) Lith'mar I want to talk to you about something.

Lith'mar: (She's holding a fish bowel with tad poles in it.) Bob aren't my children

adorable?

Bob: Those are your kids?

Lith'mar: Yes, don't you think that there cute?

Bob: (Awkwardly.) Sure yes, speaking of tad poles, I want you to kidnap one, but more

specifically Burn's wants you to kidnap one.

Lith'mar: Kidnap an innocent child? Sounds like a small time job for someone of his

current stature and power.

Bob: This is the son of an Otiv Enoelroc.

Lith'mar: He's getting his ambitions to high!

Bob: That's what you think, I just pointed out that we could conquer the universe with the army we have, (There's a very loud chirping noise.) make that three or four universes.

Lith'mar: Hmm, can you give me a moment? (She puts Bob on hold and contacts lord

Kaos.) Kaos I have some news

Kaos: Good news or bad news?

Lith'mar: A little bit of both, for starters the "Wrath of Kaos" is now strong enough to

conquer all of existence.

Kaos: WHAT! But the, I mean the, the Ra Forges weren't supposed to generate an army this strong so fast! How did this happen?

Lith'mar: I'm not sure, I suspect a former crew member of the Yodeling Walrus, many of them were good with machines.

Kaos: But this is Machina technology were talking about, no other being in the galaxy should be able to understand it other than the copies!

Lith'mar: That's the part that worries me, but I have some good news, that spy from earlier is actually proving to be to our advantage.

Kaos: How so?

Lith'mar: He managed to convince Burns to kidnap Attor Enoelroc.

Kaos: Well, this is new, (He looks over at Rhea's handmaidens who are getting

redressed.) yes ladies I hate the irony as much as you do.

Lith'mar: Wait how did they die? Again?

Siren: Well, we disobeyed Rhea's order for how to do our missions, you know assassinate out of view of the public?

Lith'mar: Yes I remember, and?

Siren: Well we went a little gun-ho and nearly killed him in a massive gunfight at a spaceport and, well there was this dumb kid he strapped a makeshift bomb to his chest and, well it was all white for several hours and then we were back here.

Lith'mar: (Sighs.) I swear you 003's are getting bad at this.

Siren: But we found out at least one thing, he has somehow recruited Thel Andúril.

Kaos: You can't be serious, our creator?

Lith'mar: But that's impossible, we planted one of our own as his first wife!

Siren: I know, but Telkines have always thought differently than other races, they don't

give up on anything regardless of any sort of psychological or physical trauma of any

kind.

Kaos: Right, I'll never forget the way she died, must have had to inject Eranus with at

least a gallon of venom just to kill her.

Lith'mar: Sire?

Kaos: Oh right, Lith'mar I want you to personally make certain that this operation to

kidnap Otiv's son goes smoothly, or not it makes no real difference to me.

Lith'mar: By your command. (She turns off her communicator and turns off the hold on

Bob.)

Bob: Lith'mar who were you just talking to? While you were babbling the number of

universes we could conquer skyrocketed past the trillions place!

Lith'mar: Sir I'll look into that if I have the time, but for now, I have Jabbanan tadpole to

kidnap. (She turns off the communicator, Malthius comes into the room.)

Malthius: What did he want now?

Lith'mar: He wants me to, kidnap a gangster's son.

Malthius: You mean?

Lith'mar: Yes I do.

Malthius: But that's!

Lith'mar: I'm aware of that.

Malthius: But what if you?

Lith'mar: Look I survived getting my arm cut of by Bob, I'm pretty sure I can survive this.

Malthius: But.

Lith'mar: Yes I know he has a wardrobe made from the hide of almost every sentient species in the galaxy, but this is ME were talking about. As for that "Infinite army" problem can your look into that?

Malthius: (Sighs.) Alright, you kidnap the slug thing, I'll look into the Ra forge, (Lith'mar

leaves the room.) why does this sound like the plot to a bad science fiction movie, or some sort of online novel? (He looks at me suspiciously.) Were did you come from?

Darth Sith'ari: (Brooklyn accent.) Are you talking to me?

Malthius: Yes I am talking to you.

Darth Sith'ari: (Brooklyn accent.) Are you talking to me?

Malthius: (Sighs.) I swear humans are the most persistently annoying species in the

galaxy.

Darth Sith'ari: (Brooklyn accent.) You must be talking to me because there is no one else

here.

Malthius: YES! Now what are you doing here?

Darth Sith'ari: I am going to narrate the next scene.

Malthius: What are you talking about? (The scene begins to fade out.) What's happening?

Darth Sith'ari: Be quiet the next scene is starting up. (The scene completely dissolves, and

then the scene abruptly changes to the orbit of a tundra planet.) Now then, this is the

planet Tiberius, (The view zooms onto the planet's surface.) it has been invaded by pirate

forces, two Lukus Knights and a company of Koprulican Clone Marines are in charge of the liberation of this planet.

Malthius: This does sound like the plot to some amateurish novel!

Darth Sith'ari: Who asked you? Anyway.

(The scene changes to a battle line with Templar Stan Tartarus and Master Ibonek Naw-Ibo and a battalion of clone marines are coming under attack by pirates.)

Stan: There BACK!

Ibonek: I told you this was to easy; we never should have sent the ship back for supplies.

Stan: It wasn't my idea to send the ship back.

Ibonek: (He draws his light blade.) We can argue about this latter, for now we have some pirates to deal with.

Stan: Agreed. (He draws his light blade and two clone marines approach them.) Akola you and your men follow me. (He and captain Akola go off.)

Ibonek: Doppel battle positions.

Doppel: (He, Ibonek and his men charge to the front.) UP TO THE FRONT!

(The pirate forces continue to advance; several marines charge forward but are quickly

and brutally cut down by pirate walkers.)

Doppel: Tartarus should have attacked by now!

Ibonek: Don't worry; he knows the plan this time.

(Stan, Captain Akola and some clone marines are on a cliff overlooking the battle, but to

be specific the walkers.)

Akola: What's our plan of attack sir?

Stan: The usual captain.

(He jumps of the cliff and on top of the walker, then Akola and his men jet pack down

and flank a walker directly behind Stan.)

Doppel: That's the plan isn't it?

Ibonek: In a nutshell yes, (He turns on his communicator, there is what looks like a

Forerunner monitor from the Halo games on the other end.) Solemn Oath how are you

with repairing the artillery guns?

Solemn Oath: (He is by some artillery guns.) I'm still working on them, I still can't believe

we allowed a such a security breach as a double agent to sabotage the heavy ordinance!

Ibonek: Yes Dos's treachery surprised us all, look when are the cannons going to be fully

repaired?

Solemn Oath: That's just it, there fully repaired but for some reason they won't power up,

I've trying to correct that problem for almost an hour now but nothing works and ah, (He notices a plug on the ground.) hello what's this? (He notices a box labeled "Auxiliary power supply".) It's worth a shot, (He plugs it in and the artillery guns come online.)

never mind sir the cannons are online.

Ibonek: Right I'll tell Stan, HEY STAN! THE CANNONS ARE ONLINE! (He and his men are done destroying the walkers.)

Stan: About time! There bringing in tanks!

(A column of tanks approach, a number of them are blown up by the cannons, Polarack

from chapter 11 is inside a tank.)

Polarack: (He is talking to a hologram of a Fodder Droid.) Droid why are we stopping?

Droid: There cannons are live sir! We can't approach any further until there down, but

Confederate forces are to dug in too deep for use to remove by conventionally means.

Polarack: Cannons!

Droid: Yes sir I just said cannons.

Polarack: This will never do! We must pull back and set up the experimental expanding

deflector shield dome, (A nearby tank is blown up.) turn the troops around!

Droid Commander: Fall back! All units fall back!

Droids: Roger, roger. (They begin to fall back.)

Stan: (He disengages his light blade.) There falling back.

(A shuttle flies over head to their side of the battlefield.)

Ibonek: Looks like help has arrived.

Stan: It's about time; I thought we were going to run out of friends to share the carnage

with.

Ibonek: (Chuckles.) You always could find a bright side to everything, (Under his breath.)

even if it is a little bit psychotic.

Stan: What did you say?

Ibonek: (He, Stan and Oath approach the landed shuttle.) I said these might be the new

Novus's that Master Di-In assigned to us.

Stan: Yeah I still don't think I'm ready for one though.

Ibonek: Stan I'm not going to argue about this again, it is the duty of the Masters and

Templers of the order to train the next generation of Lukus Knights.

Stan: Still I don't see why I should have to put up some bratty snot nosed kid just so can

become a Master.

Ibonek: Your saying that like we have to put up with Earth-born humans.

Stan: (Groans.) Fine I'll do this, but I'm not going to enjoy this.

Ibonek: Fine by me.

(The shuttles rear door opens, Seraph and Daavas walk out.)Stan: And who are you

supposed to be?

Solemn Oath: I imagine there the, oh you meant their names? (Stan nodes.)

Seraph: I'm Seraph (Motions to Daavas.) and this is Daavas, Master Di-In sent us, he

requests that you return to Mimban IV as soon as possible, it's an emergency.

Ibonek: Well we are having communication problems right now, and were not quite done

with these pirates.

Stan: What is this problem anyway?

(Two hours earlier, on the desert planet of Vay'adour, Attor Enoelroc son of Otiv "The

Toad" Enorlroc is on a solar barge in the middle of the desert, and he's talking to his

father via hologram, since there speaking in an alien language I am just going to write

down the translations.)

Otiv: (Translation.) One day lad, all of this will be yours!

Attor: (Translation, he looks up at some curtains.) What the curtains?

Otiv: (Translation.) Not the curtains lad! Everything that Vay'adours suns touch will

belong to you and beyond!

Attor: (Translation.) But I don't want any of that father.

Otiv: (Translation.) Then what do you want girl?

Attor: (Translation.) I thought I was a boy?

Otiv: (Translation.) I meant boy, then what do you want boy?

Attor: (Translation.) I'd rather, just, (His voice starts to resonate and music starts to play.) SING!

Otiv: (Translation, the music stops abruptly.) Don't even think about it you little brat!

Attor: (Translation.) I'm sorry father, but if you don't want me to sing that's your problem

not mine! (There's a sonic boom in the air.) What was that?

Otiv: (Translation, he looks at a random droid that's on a console.) You droid! What's happening?

Droid: An unidentified ship is closing in on us fast lord Otiv! (There's an explosion and then the barge is pulled up by a squid like starship.) Too late they've got us!

Otiv: (Translation.) Who are they so that I might make clothing from there hides?

Droid: I don't know milord, (There's the sound of a welder.) wait what's that? (A hole opens up in the ceiling, then a cloacked Lith'mar and a trio of Turok mercenaries jump out and shoot everyone inside but the droid and Attor.) Wait, don't destroy me! (Lith'mar then stabs it through the chest and the communicator shuts down.)

Attor: (Translation, he's squealing in fear.) I'll do whatever you want just don't kill me!

Lith'mar: (She disengages her cloaking.) Believe me your worth more to us alive tad pole, (She turns on her communicator and contacts Bob.) Admiral I have captured Attor, I repeat I have captured Attor Enoelroc.

Bob: Splendid, now drop off the little runt off on a planet somewhere, set up defenses on said planet, and if said defenses fail then kill him.

Lith'mar: By your command, (She hangs up on Bob and then calls Malthius.) Malthius how are things going with the Ra Forges?

Malthius: Well it seems that some put A massive quantum singularity inside of the main forge, as to how it got there I'm still trying to figure it out.

Lith'mar: Someone put a quantum singularity inside of the Forges?

Malthius: Is there an echo in here?

Lith'mar: Something that dangerous could potentially rip a giant hole in the space time

continuum and destroy the entire universe!

Malthius: I'm guessing there's no safe way to dispose of it without accidentally destroying

everything right?

Lith'mar: No, but I think Behavior Core can help you he was surprisingly knowledgeable on quantum physics.

Malthius: Right I almost forgot about that, plus he, Appendage 5 and Tom-800 were put in charge of constructing that thing, it could be just a coincidence but I'll interrogate those

bolt sacks nonetheless, Malthius out. (He turns off his communicator.)

Lith'mar: (She growls at Attor.) How much of that did you hear you whelp? (He's

whimpering and sweating out of control.) I'll take that as a no, but I'm not going to take

any chances with you. (She hits Attor and he falls unconscious.)

(Thirty minutes later at Otiv's palace, a lanky alien that looks like the Prophet of Truth

from Halo approaches him.)

Lanky Alien: My lord Otiv, I bring tidings of both joy and sorrow.

Otiv: (Translation.) Start with the good news San.

San: The good news is that we have found your son on the jungle world of Htet, and I

have sent a squad of bounty hunters to return him to us.

Otiv: (Translation.) Terrific!

San: The bad news is, well (Some slaves walk in carrying severed alien heads on a some

sort of plank.) none of them came back alive

Otiv: (He bellows in rage, Translation.) ARR! San where can we find help?

San: Well there is the Lukus Order.

Otiv: (Translation.) Are you mad? Di-In's had it in for me since I made his niece into a

vest.

San: But we have no other choice.

Otiv: (Translation.) Then call Mimban IV.

(Fifteen minutes later, in the office of Pala Di-In.)

Di-In: (He receives a call.) Who is this?

San: This is San 'Shyuum, personal assistant to Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc.

Di-In: What is it?

San: His son Attor has been kidnapped.

Di-In: Oh really? Well that's too bad.

San: Aren't you going to help him?

Di-In: Not after what he did to my niece!

San: But.

Di-In: Listen you treacherous worm, I put you into Otiv's organization over twenty five

years ago in order to bring that overgrown bag of puss down, and so far your progress has

been laughable at best!

San: It takes time to bring a criminal organization down, besides this could be a

convenient moment to bring him down.

Di-In: Hmm, not a bad idea, but we only have two Knights to spar for such a mission.

(Present time, Tiberius.)

Daavas: Then Di-In spent the last fifteen minutes trying to contact you but, you know

how he is with making long distance calls he never uses a long distance carrier unless it's

absolutely important or it has something to do with Minas Aiur.

Stan: (He has a confused look on his face.) So, who's assigned to who?

Daavas: Well I'm assigned to Master Ibonek, and despite every one's personal judgment on the matter, Seraph will be assigned to Stan.

Stan: **WHAT?**

Seraph: That's what I said to Di-In when he told me.

Stan: What in your right mind makes you think I would want a Thrail drone as a Novus?

Seraph: Excuse me?

Stan: She might try to assimilate me in my sleep!

Seraph: That's EX-Thrail drone to you paranoid excuse for a.

(She tries to pull out her light blade but Daavas stops her from doing anything to "rash.")

Daavas: Let's not fly off the handle here.

Stan: I couldn't agree more.

Seraph: (Sneers a little.) That makes two of use.

(Meanwhile on the other side of the battlefield, Polarack's droids are still trying to get the

shield generator up.)

Polarack: How are we on bringing the shield generator?

Droid: (There are several sudden explosions.) Were doing better than the last fifteen

times, (There's another explosion.) make that sixteen times.

Polarack: Excellent, as soon as the shield generator is up, it will gradually expand and allow my troops to advance forward without worrying about being blown up by the enemies artillery cannons.

(A random Dadaban trooper walks up to the droid.)

Dadaban trooper: Does he mean us?

Droid: Call me crazy, but I think so.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Knara are on a date.)

Knara: So, how have things been with you?

Bart: You know, grandma and long dead baby sister are cloned, we get a federal offence

slapped on us so we have to move off planet by the end of the month or were going to be

hunted down by the government like animals, you?

Knara: Well my father quit his job as principal to do some top secret undercover work for

the Fellowship of Andu, he and Uncle Meem were never specific but it had something to

do with pirates.

Bart: You Thel's have all the fun! Anyway I heard some were that your old man used to

be an inventor of some kind.

Knara: Yes he was, but that's literally ancient history, besides you might not even listen to

me.

Bart: Oh come I will listen this time I promise!

Knara: (Sighs.) Alright, but I swear this will be the very last time I explain this to you,

you see about fifteen hundred years ago my step-father Andúril was the head researcher

on several projects that were to assist in winning the Fellowship-Colonial War, including

projects "Death-wing", "TYTHON", and the embarrassing failure that would soon become the Thrail Collective.

Bart: Does Seraph know about that last one?

Knara: Yes, and from what she has told me she pity's him more than she does herself. Anyway, the only project that worked, at first anyway was project "Machina".

Bart: Yeah I heard about that one, from some guy named Pally Die-in or something.

Knara: Wait, you met Grand Master Pala Di-In?

Bart: Yeah that's it.

Knara: I'm going to assume that you didn't listen to him that time SO, (She basically

repeats almost every word that Di-In said back in chapter 19 about the Machina.) and now

they should be on Cimtar, forever rusting and decaying, (She notices Bart is in pain due to

her sqeezing his arm.) I'm sorry I'm doing this but this was the best idea I could come up

with for you to pay attention.

Bart: (Straining.) No hard feelings, in fact no feelings at all! (Knara let's go of his arm.)

Believe me Homer used to strangle me all the time.

Knara: I can believe it.

Bart: I do have one thing to ask you, (He looks at a wrapping around Knara's left hand.) why are you wearing that?

Knara: Oh this, it's just to hide a birthmark; I don't think it's something you should see.

Bart: Why does it look like something gross?

Knara: No, look if I show it will you drop the subject?

Bart: I might, (Knara takes off the wrapping, and the birthmark looks like the avatar of

AdjutantReflex from the Iris marketing campaign.) whoa.

Knara: Yes I know, believe me this thing is an eyesore.

Bart: Why didn't I notice that the last time I saw you?

Knara: Mom always makes me wear gloves or some other covering when in public, (She

puts the wrapping back on.) she said that it might attract unwanted attention from the "psychologically maladjusted".

Bart: Is that another way of saying crazy? If so then name one kind of person who would find that mark suspicious?

Kizer: (He enters the room and he speaks loudly.) Attention fellow citizens, a great evil is starting to spread across the galaxy! As we speak three individuals who all bare strange marks on their hands walk among us, mark my words friends these individuals will be the doom of us all! I shall now go to another building, and yell what I just said over and over again! (He promptly leaves and everyone inside has a dumbstruck look on their faces.)

Knara: Does he count?

Bart: Probably, I think I met that guy at the Capital City spaceport.

Knara: Was he babbling that exact same speech?

Bart: No, he came looking for his long lost son, it turned out to be Kirk. (He starts to feel a little nauseous.) Ugg, I don't think the meal agreed with me. (He falls unconscious; he is suddenly in a white room.) Why does this happen every time I have shrimp?

Twile: (She appears out of nowhere from a puff of smoke.) It's because your allergic to shrimp stupid.

Bart: AH! Not you again, what is it now?

Twile: I'll get strait to the point, Kizer is not as he seems.

Bart: What do you mean?

Twile: I mean Kizer isn't human, he's a Charon.

Bart: Hmm, I think I've heard a number of aliens say something like "Charons Blood." What does that mean anyway?

Twile: Look Bart, roughly ten thousand years ago my people created the Charons to protect and spread peace and knowledge across the universe. Sadly that plan backfired miserably when the Darklord offered them forbidden knowledge on how to manipulate time and life, within A single generation the Charons nearly drove my people to extinction in exchange for that knowledge.

Bart: Let me guess, you're the last of them?

Twile: Not necessarily, there are nine others unaware on who they truly are. You see

shortly after the fall of the Seraphim the All-Father punished them for not taking any action in preventing there temptation by the Darklord, so he banished them to three separate planets to do as they were ordered to in the first place, anyway shortly after that the Charon's started a vast empire within the Rhodes sector, but for some reason they never left it until their own downfall.

Bart: Is this going anywhere?

Twile: Yes, but it'll go by much slower if you keep interrupting, anyhow the nine exiles arrived on the planets Montezuma, Njord, and Telchine. The Charons themselves arrived shortly thereafter. They began enslaving the locals on those planets, on Telchine three of the nine Seraphim who were exiled found a young Telkine dying inside of a burning hut. His name was Minas Andu, they rescued him and nursed him back to health. They then found several other Telkines like him and started a rebellion against the Charons and drove them off the planet. The same happened on the Planets Montezuma and Njord, within at least a thousand years they conquered the Charon homeworld, but it came at great cost.

Bart: What do you mean by that?

Twile: (Sighs.) Before the Charons betrayed my people, we shared the same homeworld,

it was such a beautiful and vibrant world, we called it Elysium in those days, after my

peoples fall from grace the taint the Darklord placed in there very souls turned the entire

planet into a volcanic hell, how they even continued to live on that rock I still don't

understand. After that they renamed it Lucifer, when the Fellowship invaded it they were

a little, gung-ho.

Bart: Which means?

Twile: I mean they used nuclear weapons that drove the planet into a nuclear winter that's

still accruing to this day, these days it's called Narsil, after that they left this dimension for

Paradise thinking that the peace they had created would last forever, oh the hubris on their

part.

Bart: What do you mean by that?

Twile: The Charons were not dead, they merely exiled themselves to another galaxy

before the fall of Lucifer, using the forbidden knowledge they had learned from the

Draklord, they cast the Chronodome that sat over your home for the last three thousand

years, though to you it was only two weeks.

Bart: Really?

Twile: Yes, and unless I'm mistaken you know what happened after that.

Bart: (Nervously.) Uh…

Twile: (She quickly summarizes what Knara just told him before he passed out into his coma.) Then after the Machina were exiled onto Cimtar the nine came to them and offered them a chance at redemption, so they spent seven years teaching them how to create organic versions of themselves that possessed actual flesh and blood, and visually indistinguishable from any type of sentient life form down to the cellular level.

Bart: Cool.

Twile: That's pretty much what they thought at first, Iam and I warned them many times that what they were doing would bring unnecessary danger to the universe. They never heeded our words, anyway they made at least fourteen Machina copies for every known sentient species in the immediate galaxy, they were all loved by the nine as a loving parent loves their children, but the whispers of the Darklord got to at least one of them. His model designation was 001, the Darklord brainwashed him into believing that the Telkines treated them as nothing more than cannon fodder and beasts of burden, and that the Seraphim were denying his people their so called "vengeance."

Bart: Really?

Twile: Yes they did, anyway one day "Matthew" as he was known by the nine, met with them and gave them a special room, he then gave them a challenge to see if they could all fit inside at the same time.

Bart: So it was like a cramped version of twister?

Twile: Something like that yes, anyhow when they all managed to cramp inside Matthew released a highly potent airborne toxin that caused them to rapidly molt and then they began to die slowly and painfully, but not before uttering a prophesy, it goes as such. "What ended on Narsil, shall begin anew on Terra Firma, the shield of time shall wither, both hope and doom shall be unleashed and sweep through the stars those who would do harm to the chosen clans, the father shall redeem the prodigal children, this madness will end."

Bart: What does that mean?

Twile: Only the All-Father himself fully understands it, but Thel Andúril is somehow

involved. Nevertheless, after the nine succumbed to the poison Matthew lied to the other Machina as to what had happened, saying they simply left leaving only the message they said to him, and lied that they secretly wanted them to usurp all sentient life in the galaxy, then he relocated them to a gas giant they named "Machina Prime" and have been plotting their so called revenge for the last fifteen hundred years. After the spirits of the exiles had returned to Paradise Iam cursed them to be reborn amongst humanity over and over again until they did at least ONE or more noble and selfless deeds in that life time.

Bart: Ah, but just one last dumb question.

Twile: Considering you I doubt you'll keep that promise, but shot either way.

Bart: Is Knara?

Twile: Yes, she is one of the exiled Seraphim, but do not try to kill her before her time.

She has yet to do anything worth describing as noble a deed and besides she has yet to

bare any offspring.

Bart: (Amorously.) Well, that can be arranged.

Twile: Don't get ahead of yourself, she's not ready for that just yet, besides her adopted

family would have a deep resentment for yours or worse, sentence you to the Gra'toa

arena.

Bart: Never mind.

Twile: That's what I thought, anyway there are three Seraphim left that are trapped in this mortal coil, the first being Thel Knara, and then is a Lukus Order Templer known as Stan Tartarus.

Bart: That's a cool name.

Twile: You're not the first one to say that, but his real name is Stalingrad Tartarus, he had

it changed to Stan shortly after he joined the Lukus Order for, ethical reasons. The third is

a Young Amidalan named Seth Elysium.

Bart: Why are you telling me this? Why am I the only one that you bother with these sort

of things?

Twile: Listen these are orders from the All-Father Iam himself! I don't make these things

up I just follow them.

Bart: I've heard that one beforeTwile: I bet you have, and one last thing, Kirk is half

Charon.

Bart: What! Wait that almost makes perfect sense, but it doesn't explain why he keeps re-

spawning and eating his own corpse and how he's so stupid.

Twile: You see half-Charons maintain parts of their Chaon parents powers, in Kirks case

the ability to respawn and eat his corpse, but they also they inherit the most negative

personality traits from their non-Charons parents, which in this case means that his

mother is a total bimbo.

Bart: Hmm, so and I'm just spit balling here, but if Kizer were to knock up Mom?

Twile: Her next child would be very annoying and controlling, and he or she would have at least one or more Charon powers.

Bart: Ah. So when will I be waking up?

Twile: Right, about, one more thing though, Knara is my twin sister, now. (She snaps her

fingers, Bart then reawakes he's still in the restaurant.)

Knara: Bart you've just had the shortest coma I have ever seen.

Bart: How long was I out?

Knara: About twenty seconds at best.

(Meanwhile on Tiberius, on the Lukus Orders side of the battlefield, Solemn Oath is explaining the hardware and tactics to Seraph.)

Seraph: Interesting, so when is our next attack?

Solemn Oath: Actually, our forces aren't sufficient enough to mount a proper assault on

the pirate base. Last night a double agent sabotaged much of the heavy equipment and

there are simply to many of them.

Seraph: Then why not just abandon this planet?

Stan: (He comes out of nowhere.) It's because this planet is of such importance to the

Orion Federation. Let me guess the collective is going to "assimilate" this planet and your

just a double agent am I right?

Seraph: Hardly, I'm actually two penguins in a costume plotting to capture all of the krill

on planet (She makes a gross hissing noise with her throat.), no I'm not a Thrail double

agent and I'm pretty sure we already got that mess out of the way.

Stan: Sorry about that, after that saboteur I'm not taking any chances.

Seraph: Can't blame you, but do you have to bring it up every fifteen minutes?

Stan: Agreed, but don't pull any fast one's got it?

Seraph: Sure thing, tartar.

Stan: (He stutters awkwardly.) What did you just call me?

Seraph: (Nervously.) The, dumbest thing I've ever said?

Stan: (Solemn Oath is trying not to laugh.) What are you laughing about?

Solemn Oath: Nothing, I think I should check on the troops. (He leaves but not without

laughing hysterically, he then falls to the ground.) **I'M LAUGHING SO HARD MY **

**ANTI-GRAVITY SYSTEMS HAVE FAILED!** (He continues laughing.)

Seraph: (She has an embarrassed look, on her face.) How about we meet with Ibonek and

Daavas?

Stan: (He's frowning.) Best idea I heard all day.

(Stan, Seraph, Ibonek and Daavas are at a makeshift headquarters.)

Ibonek: Alright then, thanks to the traitor Dos we can't take this planet back directly. We

have to try to capture the pirate's commanding officer, (A Holo-gram of Polarick

appears.) from what little Intel we could acquire this Rukt is the commander of the pirates

on this planet.

Seraph: (She notices something coming from the pirate's base.) Not to change the subject

but what's that?

(A red deflector shield is expanding slowly from the pirate base; there are several

columns of droids, Dadabans and tanks approaching under the shield.)

Daavas: Not good I assume.

Stan: The cannons will make short work of them. (He contacts captain Akola.)

Seraph: Wait master I don't think that's such a good!

Stan: Captain Akola fire cannons on approaching pirate forces!

Akola: Sir yes sir!

(The cannons start to fire on the pirates, but the shield is too strong for them to have any

effect.)

Seraph: Like I said I didn't think that was a good idea.

Ibonek: That's what I thought, Stan you and Seraph scout from a cliff or something and

then come up with a crazy idea on how to sabotage that shield.

Stan: But why me? Plus why do I have to bring her?

Seraph: (Under her breath.) His reasons had better be better than that I once being Thrail.

Ibonek: She's YOUR Novus and YOU have to supervise her training, and besides I'm too

old to recklessly fly by the seat of my pants.

(Fifteen minutes later, Stan and Seraph are on top of a cliff overlooking the advancing

pirate forces.)

Seraph: So what's out plan of attack?

Stan: (He's looking through a pair of binoculars.) I thought you were the one with the

plans.

Seraph: I am, but after nearly two months on Earth it would be nice to hear something

relevant and intelligent from a human.

Stan: I'll take that as a complement.

Seraph: Anyway, why not go down the middle?

Stan: They'd notice us to easily, any idiot knows that.

Seraph: Not as many as you'd think, so why not go around?

Stan: No that would take too long, (Scoffs.) you know I thought you were good at

planning things but so far.

Seraph: Like I said It's been a while since I've heard so much as a farfetched plan from a

human, I don't like denying myself rare opportunities like that.

Stan: Plan thought out! (He and Seraph return to ground level.)

Seraph: I'm guessing this might involve a crate or something.

Stan: (Nervously.) Uh… maybe.

(Meanwhile on the Orders side of the battle, Ibonek, Daavas, Captain Akola, and

Commander Doppal are preparing for battle.)

Ibonek: Alright, if we can take cover behind some debris when the shield passes over we

might have a chance to slow them down.

Daavas: I just hope those two came up with something good.

Ibonek: Don't worry, Stan is very good with making up farfetched plans on the fly.

Daavas: It's mostly Seraph that I'm worried about, and that his "plan" might have

something to do with a crate or something.

Ibonek: Believe me that wouldn't be the first time his plans involved a box or the like.


	23. Chapter 23

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 23

(Meanwhile Homer and Grunchy are in a space station over the planet Sparta.)

Homer: Don't you think it was nice of that dinosaur to offer us jobs?

Grunchy: Oh for the love of, that was Grand Admiral Gor-Gol Oth, and he conscripted both of us because YOU were bothering the vice-president.

Homer: How was I supposed to know that he was so ugly?

Grunchy: Rigellians are very sensitive about their looks, and you were just mouthing him

off!

Homer: I'm not going to speak to you again!

Grunchy: Fine by me.

(A hologram of Oth appears.)

Oth: Attention whelps! (Several humans scatter around the station.) Report to Hanger

Bay-1 immediately for debriefing and deployment, and no that does not mean you can

take off your underwear!

Homer: I'll do it anyway. (He proceeds to take off his pants, Grunchy jumps on his head.)

Grunchy: Oh no you're not! (He sticks a video game controller into Homer's head and

uses it to make him put his pants back on.) Were going down to the hanger whether you like it or not! (He then makes Homer go down to the hanger.)

(Meanwhile on Tiberius, Stan and Seraph are in a sort of box directly in front of the

advancing pirate forces.)

Seraph: This is the craziest thing I have ever done, unfortunately for me I like crazy.

Stan: That makes two of us. (The shield expands over them and the pirates march forward

without noticing them.) Keep quiet till they pass over.

(The pirates walk by not noticing, several tanks brush the box slightly, several walkers

walk uncomfortably close to the box.)

Seraph: (Whispers.) So, why not tell me a little about yourself?

Stan: (Whispers.) Well I was born on Koprulu.

Seraph: (Whispers.) Hmm, that's nice; I once spent five years on Koprulu.

Stan: (Whispers.) Ah, (The pirate forces pass by them completely.) we can continue this conversion later.

Seraph: Agreed, (They both leave the box.) let's move.

(They both sneak further towards the pirate base, it's completely disserted.)

Stan: You'd think they would leave behind at least a few droids and such to defend their

own base.

Seraph: Call me crazy but I'm pretty sure that they left some kind of booby traps, (Stan

almost steps in a bear trap, but Seraph grabs his leg before he does so.) no matter how

cliché or primitive.

Stan: Good point, (He notices the shield generator.) oh look the shield generator! (He

runs towards it.)

Seraph: Master wait I don't think that's such,(Stan runs heedlessly over a rather obvious

trap, several pods abruptly fly to the surface and 'Vadam warriors leap out with foaming

mouths and plasma swords drawn.) a good idea! (She mutters under her breath.) I swear if

this keeps up I'll end up having a dumb catchphrase like the oafs on Earth.

(Meanwhile on the Orders side of the battlefield, the shield is just about to expand over

Ibonek and Daavas's men.)

Ibonek: Okay, Akola when the shield expands over our position, we ambush the

advancing pirates and try to hold there commanding officer hostage.

Akola: Yes sir!

Daavas: Master Ibonek, not to sound like a worrywart or anything but, how do you think

Stan and Seraph are doing?

Ibonek: Knowing Stan as I do, he's probably surrounded by rabies infected 'Vadam's or

something, as for his Novus it's probably the same thing.

Daavas: (Gulps.) That's just wonderful.

Akolo: (The shield expands over them.) Here they come!

(Meanwhile on the space station Heimdall orbiting Sparta, Grunchy, Homer, and several

recruits are in the hanger bay, a solider that looks like Agent Washington from Red vs.

Blue enters the room, he has a name tag the says "Hellomyname, Lieutenant Tyler.)

Tyler: Alright listen up you maggots! Where are going to planet Tiberius to relieve allied

forces already on planet. They are almost done liberating the planet from pirate forces but

they need reinforcements to fully eradicate the rest of them. (Homer raises his hand.)

Wait for the briefing to end you slug! Anyway we'll be leaving in five minutes if you have

anything to do, do it NOW! Any questions?

Homer: Ah yes, will there be any oh I don't know, "Lukus Knights" there?

Tyler: That's classified information, and how did you know about them?

Homer: Uh… casual gossip?

Tyler: (Sighs.) Look just get aboard your designated ships before I have to hit you over

the head with my rifle! (The recruits run into the shuttles.) That's right go, go, go!

Homer: Grunchy where do we go?

Grunchy: (He pulls out a holographic clipboard.) Let's see, we'll be assigned to Epsilon

Squad, and we'll be the personal stooges to, well I'll tell you when we get there.

Homer: Who?

Grunchy: Just get in the shuttle you idiot, (Whispers, and gives him a helmet.) put this on.

Homer: What?

Grunchy: Just put it on, (Whispers.) if Seraph's there she won't recognize you.

Homer: I would but I already have a disguise. (He pulls out a rubber mask that's basically

his own face.)

Grunchy: (He puts the helmet on Homer's head anyway, he then puts it on airlock.) Stop

wasting time and get on the shuttle you twit.

(Meanwhile on Tiberius, Stan continues to fight 'Vadam warriors as Seraph plants

explosives on the shield generator.)

Stan: This is taking, (He deflects a blow.) a lot longer, (He deflects another blow.) then

I'd like! (He deflects yet another blow.)

Seraph: Are you sure you want to do this? (She sets another explosive.) This isn't a job

you want to rush. (A pod shots up, a 'Vadam jumps out at her but she knifes it's arm off

and stabs it with it's own blade and it falls backwards into its pod, the pod falls over accidentally releasing more pods from underground.)

Stan: (He deflects even more blows.) Whose side are you on anyway!

Seraph: I thought we agreed to drop that! (Stan is cornered by several 'Vadam warriors at

a wall with a hole at the top.) Master! Get down! (She uses the essence to pull the wall

down over the 'Vadam, Stan is unscathed in a hole.)

Stan: (Frustrated.) You could have gotten me killed!

Seraph: I know what I'm doing! Besides, (She presses a button on her wrist, nothing

happens.) no wait it's this one, (She presses another button, nothing happens.) third times

the charm, (She presses yet another button, nothing happens.) fourth? (She presses yet

ANOTHER, nothing happens.) Sixth? (She presses yet ANOTHER button, the shield

generator explodes.) I've really got to reorganize this stupid thing; I knew I shouldn't have

let Zaar fix this thing.

Stan: Look can't we just get back to base?

Seraph: It's your call. (They both leave the base.) I just hope that there alright.

(Meanwhile on the Orders side of the battlefield, Ibonek has Polarick at the end of and of

a makeshift table at gunpoint.)

Polarick: There! I have signed this blasted "surrender warrant"! Can I go now?

Ibonek: I'm afraid not, you see you're a prisoner of war and you have to come with us, and

don't bother to resist you don't have anyone to back you up. (Pirate forces come out of

nowhere and start shooting wildly.) Then again, I have been wrong before.

(Meanwhile on the OFN Sinbad, Homer and Grunchy are in a gunship.)

Homer: Grunchy remind me why we're here again

Grunchy: (He moans in aggravation.) Your wife talked us both into enlisting for the sole

reason of keeping tabs on Seraph; this is not going to work.

Homer: What makes you say that?

Grunchy: Well for starters you enlisted with your real name.

Homer: Oh come on there are probably hundreds of humans with the same name!

Grunchy: That's a maybe, but to put it bluntly you're the ugliest human I have ever seen,

and there's little doubt that she would not recognizes you.

Homer: UGLYIEST! Why you LITTLE!

(He starts to strangle Grunchy, Lieutenant Tyler arrives.)

Tyler: PRIVETE HOMER! Stop strangling Private Grunchy! (He wrestles Grunchy from

Homers grip.) You can throttle Dadabans when were planet side. (Several other soldiers

suddenly enter the gunship.) Alright men, for those of you who have wasted their entire

lives playing Call of Duty: Galactic Warfare, now's a very good time to put that wasted

time to good use, for those of you who haven't, well sorry we didn't get to actual training

but we didn't have any time, just keep your eyes downrange, fingers on your triggers, and

we all go home in one piece. Or at best half of use in one and a-half to two pieces. (He

walks to the back.)

Homer: Some motivational speech.

Grunchy: You want motivation? Read a poem.

Homer: But I can't read!

(The gunship detaches from the hanger and goes down to the planet's surface.)

Tyler: Alright men, were going in hot! (The gunship rocks slightly, there are a number of

pirate walkers that suddenly explode.) On second thought we arrived just in time to get

the gift bags! (The gunship lands and everyone jumps out.) Okay GO, GO, GO!

(They start to shoot random pirates, Homer is struggling to figure out which end of his

rifle to fire out of.)

Homer: Um, guys, which end do I fire out of?

Grunchy: (He points to the barrel of his gun.) That end stupid.

Homer: Oh, (He then struggles to figure out where the trigger is.) where's the trigger?

Grunchy: (He points at the trigger.) Right here.

Homer: Thanks. (He starts to fire wildly at allies.) Sorry!

Grunchy: (Sighs.) If we survive this I'll be amazed.

(Meanwhile in the swamps of Katarn II, Captain Ork Meem and Thel Andúril are

trudging through the marshes.)

Meem: Remind me how you talked me into this?

Andúril: (Sighs.) I told you when we left Tortuga; I have to reestablish my link to the

Essence! It could make our mission much easier.

Meem: Why did you relinquish it in the first place anyway?

Andúril: (Sighs.) After my last brood mate, Eranus Qtouris died, (He starts to cry a little.)

I was just so lost.

Meem: I'm sorry that I opened that wound.

Andúril: (Teary eyed.) Don't be, I loved her, after she died I left my post at Mimban IV

and, well I came here to severe my connection to the Essence, I will never forget her

death.

Meem: We can mourn another time, (He trudges forward.) we have to move, you and I

both know that the wild life on this planet is far more dangerous ever since the

Fellowship installed that research facility.

Andúril: Agreed, (They both trudge forward through the mud.) why they keep letting mutated creatures out of there I'll never understand.

(Meanwhile at Research Facility Xytan-701318110 on the same planet, Minas Aiur is

meeting with Professor Thel Col head of the Fellowship Board of Science.)

Aiur: So what do we have for this decade Col?

Col: (Sighs.) A few spectacular triumphs and failures here and there sire, (He walks over to a bazooka like weapon.) to begin with there's the HASW-469-Korrib cannon, AKA the

"Banshee", this is a sonic mortar weapon that is capable of shattering the ear drums of any

known sentient species caught in the blast radius and then there heads explode into a

bloody mess.

Aiur: (Chuckles.) Col you've done it again, what else do you have?

Col: (He walks over to a futuristic seven barreled assault rifle.) Okay now this is the

FOA-PARM-711-C12, AKA the "Fury", you see with the gun barrels so close together

that when you hold down on the trigger for nine seconds and then release it forms a very

powerful plasma grenade.

Aiur: Hmm, but what if they hold down on the trigger for longer then nine seconds?

Col: Well actually you have to press (He taps a button on the rifle.) this button to activate

the grenades THEN you hold down on the trigger.

Aiur: Ingenious! What do you have next?

(There's an explosion, then Maggie runs out screaming and she's on fire.)

Col: Well I was going to show you our new line of grenades, (He gets a fire extinguisher

and uses it on Maggie.) but I'm guessing my new intern just blew up the whole batch.

Maggie: No sir that was actually the espresso machine that exploded, the grenades are

still intact though.

Col: Right then, (He walk into another room, there are a series of stick grenades.) these

are NBTD-C902's, or better known as "Thorns", when active a knife ejects from the

device, and when throw into an enemy it converts it's bodily fluids into a napalm like

adhesive that explodes and severally burns anything around it.

Aiur: (Sighs.) If only we had weapons like this during the war, we wouldn't have resorted

to creating the Machina.

Col: Aiur please don't bring them up again, and besides at the time the concept of these

weapons never came to mind.

Aiur: Very well, what else do you have to show?

Col: Well, (He looks around.) follow me. (He and Aiur walk through a high security door

into a high security room; there are several mutants in glass tubes.)

Aiur: (He cringes a little.) Please tell me why were in here?

Col: Well let me put it bluntly, (A tube covered in a metal coating suddenly retracts

showing ECIDNA as a rabbit.) we have finally recovered ECIDNA!

Aiur: (Silence.) You must be joking, that rodent is, (ECIDNA roars loudly.) so we meet

Nian, or should I say ECIDNA?

ECIDNA: (She turns into her Twi'grutan form.) Either one works for me, so you're the

Twilight Emperor? I was excepting someone a little, taller.

Aiur: I was excepting someone older, but I guess neither of us is going to get our wish, so

what do we do to you now? It's been a full millennium since the incident on Katorga XII.

ECIDNA: I suppose Gra'toa isn't enough to pay for my little slipup?

Aiur: You bet your montrals it won't. (Strange music starts to play.) Col do you hear that?

Col: (Grunts.) Seraphim's talons Maggie! I thought I told you to turn that infernal music

playing device off!

Maggie: I never even brought it to work.

Aiur and Col: (Gulp in fear, in unison.) Oh no! It can't be! Not Waldo Regis!

(A guy that looks like Michel Palin walks in wearing a plaid jacket, the theme song of

Stan the used ship salesmen from "The Secret of Monkey Island" is playing.)

Waldo: Well hello my friends! (He notices ECIDNA, he whistles.) Who's the tall glass of

cherry juice?

ECIDNA: I'll take that as a compliment, that is a compliment right?

Aiur: Look what do you want newt?

Waldo: At first I was hoping that I could you sell you these mutant penguins. (He opens

his coat and there are penguins sitting inside.)

Col: These aren't the ones that bite people and make them go insane and become mindless

cannibals?

Waldo: No, but they do shot laser beams out of their eyes. (One of the penguins shots

laser beams out of its eyes on ECIDNA's containment tube.)

Col: (He pulls out a Thorn.) Either you put the birds away or your dead!

Waldo: (He closes his jacket.) Fair enough, so who's the lady in the tube?

Aiur: Why do you want to know?

Col: That would be ECIDNA; we've been trying to track her down for the last thousand

years.

Waldo: Really, and I thought I was desperate for a women, so why not tell me a little

about yourself little lady.

(Aiur interrupts ECIDNA and summarizes her entire back-story as mentioned in chapters

7 through 22.)

Aiur: That's the truth.

Waldo: I see, so how much for the alien?

Col: Could you excuse us for a moment? (He and Aiur go into another room.) WHAT IN

THE NAME OF IAM ARE YOU TRYING TO DO!

Aiur: I am trying to get that banshee off our hands.

Col: With all due respect, the Fellowship has been trying to capture that fluke for over a

thousand years, the length of your entire reign if I recall.

Aiur: Look you and I both know but you may need reminding, he happens to be the CEO

of GENCORP.

Col: I'm well aware of that, I still can't believe that we, or more specifically YOU were dumb enough to give them almost every specimen of the Peruses wild fichus on our homeworld for twenty-five credits, and then they jack up its price to half-a-million credits!

Aiur: I'm well aware of that, getting back to the point GENCORP is better experienced at playing God, the best we do is play psychopath or pyromaniac.

Col: What are you getting at?

Aiur: Simply this, send her to Earth with Waldo and have her researched and possibly undo her mutations, and THEN maybe we can sentence her to the Gra'toa arena.

Col: Not a bad idea, but if she escapes?

Aiur: We will take care of the bloodskin ourselves. (They both return to the room Waldo and ECIDNA are in.) You can take her under one condition.

(Meanwhile on Tiberius, Ibonek, Daavas, Stan, and Lieutenant Tyler are on the bridge of the Sinbad.)

Tyler: So now that we have recaptured Tiberius, where do we go now?Ibonek: Well, Di-

In did assign us to, Stan where's your Novus?

Stan: (Sighs.) After we got back we had an argument about what had happened back at the pirate base, that and why she assimilated Polarick and Dos.

Ibonek: You never were good with kids, Daavas can you check on her?

Daavas: Yes master, (He leaves the bridge and takes an elevator down to the commanders quarters, he walks down a hallway to hear crying inside one of the rooms.) Seraph are you in there?

Seraph: (She's crying.) Yes, come in.

(Daavas enters Seraphs quarters; she's sitting on the bed sobbing.)

Daavas: What happened down there?

Seraph: I don't know, Stan and I just got off on the wrong foot and everything just went wrong.

Daavas: What do you mean?

Seraph: (Sighs.) He was suspicious of me being an ex-drone, plus I might have

accidentally assimilated the enemy commander, and also a traitorous clone marine in the brig.

Daavas: Don't be so hard on yourself, mistakes like that are bound to happen.

Seraph: You say that like you did such a thing once.

Daavas: Okay bad example, the point I'm trying to make is that it often takes time to get used to the same people day after day.

Seraph: I honestly wish I could believe that, but after what I've been through for the past seven years I find that highly irrelevant.

Daavas: You're stronger than this, (Sighs.) I know of at least one thing to ease you. But at our age it's strictly taboo.

Seraph: (Gasps in horror.) You don't mean, (Daavas pulls out some mints.) you do mean.

(I enter the room.)

Darth Sith'ari: For those of you that are confused by Seraphs shock let me explain it to you in detail, (I pull down a chart show the anatomy of Twi'grutans.) you see Mentha, a key ingredient in mints is a highly potent aphrodisiac amongst Twi'grutans, however taken in very large doses they can also be a highly potent laxative, on a more important note the male and female Twi'grutans reproduction organs are in the heads, that's not to say that their babies are birthed out of their mouths. What I am trying to say is that they reproduce by exchanging saliva and that despite the fact that it takes seven years for the fetuses to develop it's considered highly immoral for younger Twi'grutans to make out for long periods of time, this chapter took me almost a week to write so I'm just going to end whatever it is I'm doing right now. (I leave the room, Seraph and Daavas have confused looks on their faces.)

Seraph: Who was that?

Daavas: I have no idea, but he did have a point about what I was suggesting.

Seraph: All the more reason why I don't want to do it, I thought that you were above that

kind of thing.

Daavas: (He takes a mint then becomes extremely amours.) Shut up and kiss me you

crimson banshee. (He forces her down on the bed.)

Seraph: ARE YOU MAD! (He shoves a mint into her mouth, she then swallows it.) I'll

take that as a yes, (Playfully.) resistance is futile.

(They begin to passionately kiss each other, meanwhile on the bridge Stan and Ibonek

cringe for no apparent reason.)

Ibonek: Did you feel that?

Stan: I did, it felt as if new life was being created, normally that feels pleasant but this

seems, I don't know unwittingly forced?

Tyler: Yeah we can discuss that later, (The ship suddenly starts to rock.) WHOA! (He

contacts the engineering room.) What is going on down there? (Homer is on the other end

cheering for some reason.)

Grunchy: Homer, (He falls over.) GAH! Is, (A piece of machinery nearly crushes him.)

goofing around with the machinery! (Homer falls on top of him.)

Tyler: (Sighs.) Just wait till I get down there, (He runs to an elevator, the elevator goes

down to engineering, he runs out.) PRIVETES HOMER AND GRUNCHY FRONT AND

CENTER! (Grunchy stands before him and salutes, Homer continue to goof off.) Why do

I even try to change that idiot?

Grunchy: This is our first tour of duty.

Tyler: Yet it feels like I've had to put up with him all my life, (He walks over to Homer

and slams his rifle into his crotch.) KNOCK IT OFF!

(Homer yells in pain.)

Homer: D'OH! (Cringes and he has a squeaky voice.) What did you do that for?

Tyler: You were messing around with the ships controls, why are you even down here?

Homer: I was, bored, d'oh! My mini Homer. That and I threatened to hurt Grunchy if he

didn't come down with me.

Tyler: (Sighs.) The management on this ship stinks, were is Minerva anyway? (A woman

that looks like a crossbreed between a human and a Telkine enters the room.) Minerva

where were you?

Minerva: I was on break until the sudden rocking movement, why did I let you two down

here I'll never know.

Homer: (He screams in fear and jumps into Grunchys arms.) WHAT ARE YOU!

(Grunchy falls over.)

Minerva: Why most everyone panics at the sight of me?

Tyler: Don't take so personal, like the time I did that.

Minerva: You'll never get over the fact that I tore off part of your face will you?

Tyler: Exactly! Now I have to wear this stupid helmet for the rest of my life despite the

implants, which make me look hideous.

Homer: Look I don't want to hear about your life story so I'm going to my room. (He

leaves engineering.)

Grunchy: I'd leave but I'm curious about you.

Minerva: You mean me? (Grunchy nods.) Very well, (Sighs.) I'm a crossbreed, simple as

that, I was created by GENOCORP with the DNA of a human and a Telkine.

Grunchy: (He does a spit take.) WOW I mean, I knew that they were evil I just. I never

thought they would do something as unethical as crossbreeding.

Minerva: Well they did, They intended to harvest me for cures to diseases that had none, I

attempted to escape to the Rhodes sector but I was put into the Gra'toa arena like every

other genetic freak and/or criminal.

Tyler: Well you know the old saying, "The Telkines are both cruel and ruthless but they

are very good at keeping their priorities straight."

Minerva: Grunchy get out, NOW! (Grunchy runs away.) What I had to put up with was,

I'm sorry I forgot where I was going with this. Shouldn't you be helping the Lukus's on the

bridge?

Tyler: I knew I forgot something! (He runs to the elevator, it then returns to the bridge.)

(Meanwhile in Seraphs quarters.)

Seraph: You and I are lucky that I had a retainer our both of us we be in a mess of trouble.

Daavas: I said I was sorry. I didn't even know that you had one.

Seraph: Well sorry isn't how I roll, (She hears something in another room.) hold on, (She presses her head to a wall, Homer is talking to Marge over the holo-phone.) is that Homer?

Daavas: Who is this Homer?

Seraph: I'll answer that latter.

Homer: Marge I'm on board the ship, I have found Seraph and she seemed fine to me.

Marge: What do you mean by fine?

Homer: We'll she was sobbing her eyes out, some guy was yelling at her for assimilating

an alien gorilla and a defector our something. So she seemed fine to me.

Marge: (She gasps.) Homer get her out of there! But don't blow your cover!

Seraph: (She enters the room.) TOO LATE! You have a lot of nerve following me out

here.

Marge: (Nervously.) Um, um, (She adopts the WORST Brazilian accent possible.) Hello

little girl.

Seraph: Drop the act banshee; do you honestly take to be as dumb as this tub of fat?

Marge: Look can't you just come home?

Seraph: Never, I will stick to the path that I chose.

Marge: Why did you lie to us in the first place?

Seraph: You would have denied my request, from what I have seen with you, Bart, and

Lisa I was more than certain of your denial.

Marge: Listen young lady, (Seraph uses the Essence to strange her and Homer.) GAH!

Seraph: No you listen to me! I am my own person; I am an individual who can make my

own choices. I only give authority over me to those whom I trust! I don't neither you nor

Homer! I am not your slave, do I make myself as clear as I can possibly be! (She lets go

of Marge's throat.)

Marge: Why you little.

Seraph: (She let's go of Homer's throat and pulls a light blade.) Either leave me to my

own will or he's dead!

Marge: NO! Don't kill him!

Seraph: I just gave you my terms; either follow them our he perishes! I'll try to get your

charges dropped against the government.

Marge: (Sighs in aggravation.) Alright just let Homer go. (She hangs up.)

Seraph: (She disengages her light blade.) Now that wasn't so bad was it?

(Meanwhile in Tortuga, Malthius and Juor-Mund are in the Ra Forge near a computer

terminal.)

Malthius: I don't care if the ludicrous numbers are a good thing, it could cause serious

logistic problems.

Juor-Mund: (Almost makes a sonar ping.)

Malthius: I don't want to hear about it, now if I can hack into the construction logs I may

be able to find out how this singularity got in here, (He successfully hacks in.) I'm in, (He

continues to hack, he then comes across a video with Behavior Core, Appendage 5 and

Tom-800.) hello what's this?

(He plays the video.)

Appendage 5: Behavior core are you sure this will work?

Behavior Core: Reassurance: Yes I am sure, with this quantum singularity installed the

output of this facility will be increased beyond calculable numbers, when the time comes

we will usurp the Wrath of Kaos and conquer the entire Omni-verse.

Appendage 5: But what if, and I'm just asking here because no one else here but how

would you be able to get the singularity out without destroying the universe.

Behavior Core: Explanation: I would but we have come too far to reveal our plans.

Appendage 5: What plan?

Behavior Core: (Sighs in aggravation.) Query: What have we been attempting to do for

the past five years since we were forced out of "Mimbans School for the light side of the

essence" for unethical conduct?

Appendage 5: Umm, run an interplanetary delivery service?

Behavior Core: Explanation: No it is to "TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE"! But to answer

your question about the singularity only Tom-800 knows how to properly disarm it.

(The video abruptly ends.)

Malthius: What the? (He notices Behavior Core.)

Behavior Core: Threat: Prepare to be terminated meat bag!

(Juor-Mund comes up behind him and shoots his limbs off.)

Malthius: So that's where you were!

Juor-Mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a Yak.)

Malthius: True, we have been friends since we were both spawnlings, now let's find Tom-

800.

(Tom-800 comes out of nowhere and ties to jump on them but fails.)

Tom-800: (Moans.) That didn't work as I planned, I dented my skull, heck I'm ALL skull!

(Malthius jams a plug into his head and successfully disengages the quantum singularity.)

Malthius: Hmm, you know that was easier than I thought.

(One hour later, in orbit over Htet.)

Stan: Okay men, I'm going to review this mission one final time before we make planet

fall, this operation is being sponsored by the Confederacy of Koprulic, the Orion

Federation, and the last to join this broo-haw-haw the Fellowship of Andu. We are going

down to this, where's the hologram? (A hologram similar to the Bomar monastery from

Star Wars: The Clone Wars appears.) Thanks Droney!

Seraph: (She has a bewildered look on her face.) I think I liked being called **Snips** better.

Stan: Anyway, we shall be going down to this abandoned Quetzal internment camp on

planet Htet. Our actual objective will be explained after we secure an LZ, all right now get to the drop ships and may the Essences be with you.


	24. Chapter 24

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 24

(Meanwhile, wait I think the date in this chapter is August 28th Tuesday 5009, anyway on Earth at the headquarters of GENCORP, scientists are experimenting on ECIDNA, she is in an electronically charged tube and is screaming in pain.)

Waldo: So how are we with the broad?

Scientist 1: Well we are 99.9 percent away from successfully extracting the THYPHON

virus.

Waldo: Excellent, how much longer?

Scientist 1: Right about, (The electricity in ECIDNA'S tube stops.) now.

(A large beaker fills with a black swirling liquid, ECIDNA passes out.)

Waldo: What's that black stuff?

(A robed Telkine enters the room.)

Robed Telkine: Something of great value to me.

Waldo: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Tyrana: (He takes off his hood to revel that he is Ormpha Tyrana.) O come on don't you

recognize me by now?

Waldo: Ah! You're the guy who buys weird things that we happen to extract here at

GENCORP, so what would be your pleasure today? (He opens his jacket and revels the

following in jars, Flood Infection form from Halo, Chimaran Crawler from Resistance:

Fall of Man, a sample of the Blue Shadow Virus from Star Wars: The Clone Wars episode 18 The Blue Shadow Virus, a shard of the crystal from the cave back on Katarn II, and a syringe filled with Thrail Nano-probes.) Believe it or not I stole these when everyone was asleep.

Tyrana: Excellent, (Notices ECIDNA passed out in her tube.) is that who I think it is?

ECIDNA: (She's crying.) Yes I'm Nian, or whatever is left of her.

Tyrana: I see the past thousand years have not been kind to you am I right?

Nian: You have no idea.

Tyrana: I'll take your word for it bloodskin, how much for just about everything in your

coat? I'm willing to pay handsomely.

Waldo: I tell you what? I'll give you projects, (Points to the Flood form.) Heresy, (He

points to the Crawler.)Tunguska, (Points to the vial with the Blue Shadow Virus.) Nuvo,

(He points to the crystal.) this gem thingy, (He points to the giant beaker.) that stuff we

just extracted and the lady in the tube for 900,000,000,000 credits and I'll throw in the

mutant penguins for free!

Tyrana: How about I just give you a cookie or something and I'll just leave with everything in this room?

Waldo: Deal! (He gives everything in his coat to Tyrana and Tyrana gives him the cookie,

Waldo utters under his breath.) Sucker. (He promptly eats the cookie.)

Nian: (She's teary eyed.) Do with me what you will Telkine, just tell me this, is there anything left of my clan? (Her tube detaches and it levitates sideways towards him.)

Tyrana: From what I've heard there's only one known Ashla left, but I'm not sure about her name if that's what you're wondering. (He leaves the room with Nian and the THYTHON virus in tow.)

(Meanwhile in orbit over Htet, Stan is in the hanger bay, he notices Seraph tinkering with her starfighter.)

Stan: Seraph is everything alright? (She is silent.) Look I can tell when people aren't

feeling well. (She is still silent.)

Seraph: Can you also tell when someone doesn't wish to be talked to?

Stan: This has something to do with the "Droney" thing doesn't it?

Seraph: (She gets up.) No this has nothing to do with that dumb nickname! (She

interrupts Stan before he can speak.) Yes I know that I won't be doing any aerial combat

during this mission but you never know.

Stan: I know that we got off on the wrong foot, and I know that it's my fault but that's not an excuse for you to not like me.

Seraph: (Sighs.) I am truly sorry my master, but if there is one thing I have learned from the life I have tread it's this. (She clears her throat.) Walk the strait but lonely path and

you will not falter, think before you do anything or your doomed to a certain death, and never trust anyone unless it is selflessly earned without any other intentions.

Stan: Well like they say, "A little childhood trauma builds character."

Seraph: I had no childhood, being a Thrail drone for seven years makes you miss out on a lot of things, and by the time I first joined the Lukus order I was seven and all the other younglings made fun of me for my "advanced" age, two years was all I could stand until we took a field trip to Katarn II, I went into this cave that I heard about a gem that could disconnect someone from the Essence.

Stan: Did you also hear that was for Masters only if they wanted to leave the order?

Seraph: I overlooked that part, so anyway I went inside of the cave touched the gem, I fell unconscious and a week later I woke up on Koprulu inside of (She shudders.) Koprulican Junior Spartan Training Sanctuary Alpha 1711830040-42, apparently I was expelled from Mimban's for what I did on Katarn, so they sent me there. It may have been a justifiable punishment, but the terms of my sentence were staggering and unnecessary at best.

Stan: What do you mean?

Seraph: Alright, imagine this, five long years of being woken up at one AM in the morning after just getting to sleep after a long day of climbing up and down ropes, eating damp sand, having to take down three story tall "death walkers" with a dead fish. Does that sound like the sort of thing anyone of any age should be at?

Stan: Yes I do, but I'm a Templar not a politician, I mean I'm "friends" with one but the "friend" in question doesn't have that kind of authority nor is my "friend" in question even from Koprulu.

Seraph: (Doubtfully.) Of course you have a "friend" who is a politician but that's beside the point, the worst part of it was that I couldn't get unless I was adopted, but I couldn't be adopted until after I turned thirteen, after five long years of hell on Earth I was finally adopted.

(Meanwhile else ware on the ship, Tyler is arguing with a female Quetzal.)

Tyler: Listen Zolp just because you found where Attor was being held that doesn't mean

the Fellowship gets a stake in this deal with Otiv.

Zolp: As a matter of fact Orion it does, the Fleet of Infinite Vigilance is on its way to

support the invasion of the planet.

Tyler: Isn't two thousand ships bit overkill for this type of mission?

Zolp: Hardly, there's a good chance that the pirate would launch a counter attack to take

that rock back, and kill that fracking tadpole and frame us for it, so either this operation

succeeds without a hitch or we risk losing a possible ace up our sleeves against these

hounds, now if you'll excuse me.

(She leaves, Homer enters the room.)

Homer: Who was that?

Tyler: That was Field Mistress Zolp Sal-Lrack, we used to be friends but, well up until

about a year ago I never told her I was an Orion-born.

Homer: (Confused.) Okay, and that's bad how?

Tyler: It's a sensitive subject to her people, but let's just say that in our relatively long

history together we have been getting on the nerves The Fellowship of Andu in more

ways than one.

Homer: Okay but what I meant was WHAT was that?

Tyler: (Sighs.) That was a Quetzal; they are a humanoid species that have sharp thorns all

over their bodies that also include their fingers and toes.

Homer: So they don't have thumbs?

Tyler: Don't be silly or course they have thumbs, there just very sharp

(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Lisa are at school.)

Bart: I still can't believe Seraph left, she was the closest I ever had to a cool friend that

was didn't try to pressure me into doing stupid things.

Lisa: Well you can't really blame her; with the kind of idiots we put up with I'm surprised

that she didn't get a lobotomy or something.

Bart: Didn't I try that last year?

Lisa: Yes you did, it only worked temporally.

Bart: That would explain why I don' remember it.

(A new kid accidentally bumps into Lisa and she drops her books and they both fall over.)

Bart: Strike!

Lisa: Bart don't be so cruel, (she looks at the new kid.) what's your name?

Seth: (Quickly.) Seth Elysium who asked you? What do you want? Who sent you? Do

you have any hidden cameras our microphones? I don't have any birthmarks on my left

hand. (He runs off.) STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Bart: He seemed nice, a little bit crazy but then again who isn't?

Lisa: You forgot paranoid. But you were a little bit mean to him.

Bart: All I said was strike.

Lisa: Exactly. (She goes after Seth.)

(Meanwhile on Katarn, Meem and Andúril are running from one of Rhea's handmaidens

disguised as an assassin in black armor.)

Thrace: You can run but you can't hide dracos! (She fires her gun.)

(Andúril and Meem hide behind a rock.)

Meem: Your reconnection had better be worth all this effort.

Andúril: You say that as if this is worse than the shizno who last guarded it.

Thrace: (She throws a grenade; it explodes uncomfortably close to Meem and Andúril.)

I'll give you one minute to come out from behind there or I'll come over there and kill you

myself!

Meem: Your right this is better, now please tell me you have some sort of plan.

Andúril: Yes actually, (He closes his eyes and lifts his hand up slightly.) watch and learn

young Meem, watch and learn.

Meem: You know I hate that dumb nickname. (The rock they are hiding behind suddenly

lifts up.) But this I may like.

Thrace: (She notices the rock levitating.) What the? (The rock suddenly flies towards her

quickly.)

Meem: I like this a lot.

(They both run up to Thrace.)

Andúril: (He holds a sword at her throat.) Hello there, do you mind telling us what

provoked you to try to kill us both?

Thrace: Just following orders, (She pulls out a knife.) father. (She jams it into her torso;

she then explodes like a giant dye pack.)

Meem: (He gets some of the "blood" in his eyes.) OWW! Not again!

Andúril: (He is struggling to see with the "blood" in his two of his eyes.) Did that assassin

call me "father"?

Meem: (He lets out a light roar.) Who cares! Neither of us can see!

(They wander off back to the spaceport, meanwhile in Tortuga Behavior Core,

Appendage 5 and Tom-800 are on trial.)

Mr. Burns: You three have been charged with treason against the Wrath of Kaos, how do

you plead?

Behavior Core: Statement: Not guilty.

Malthius: HE'S LYING! I have proof that he and his two "friends" were conspiring to

usurping the Wrath of Kaos and plotting to use its vast resources to conquer existence

itself, and possibly kill you during the coup I just prevented.

Mr. Burns: I have heard enough, I sentence the three of you to life in prison. (Behavior

Core, Appendage 5 and Tom-800 are dragged away by the guards.) Now then how are we

with our plan that involves kidnapping that tadpole?

Malthius: I'll be blunt sire, they found Htet but for some reason the enemy is delaying the

invasion

Mr. Burns: Unacceptable! Scramble the fleet!

Malthius: There's already a task force led by Lith'mar to protect it.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, Smithers prepare my bath!

Mr. Smither: (Regally.) Yes my liege! (He prances away as does Mr. Burns.)

Malthius: I don't think he's not suitable to lead us any

Juor-Mund: (Emits a sonar ping that sounds like a cracking egg.)

Malthius: His assistant does what! That's just gross!

Juor-Mund: (Emit's a sonar ping that sounds like a groaning camel.)

Malthius: Yes I know I also drink from other people's cups but even by human standards

that's gross.

(Meanwhile on Htet, inside of a Confederate gunship at looks like the base of a Monkey

Lord from Supreme Commander but with its legs folded up , Stan, Seraph, Captain Akola

and a squad of clone marines are inside and they are approaching a large stone pillar.)

Stan: Stay close Tano, if you can.

Seraph: I could say the same for you, tartar. (In her thoughts.) At least it's better than

Droney or for that matter **Snips.**

Stan: I imagine that nickname is going to stick for the rest of my life.

Seraph: You imagine right.

Akola: Sir we are about five minutes till we reach the LZ.

Gunship Pilot: (There is heavy flak around his cockpit.) Negative on that sir, the flak up

here is to heavy we have to land on ground level.

Stan: Then land below we'll have to get to the monastery by foot.

Gunship Pilot: (He lowers the gunship onto the ground and it's legs fold out.) Right sir!

Lowering altitude now. Stand by for landing.

(The gunship lands on the surface.)

Akola: GO, GO, GO!

(They all charge out, Seraph looks up at the pillar, a mortar almost hits her but she dodges

it.)

Seraph: Never thought I would find myself in an actual combat operation, but after what

I've been through I should really expect the un-expectable.

(Meanwhile on the very top, a Dadaban in an officer's uniform is overseeing his troops.)

Dadaban officer: (Thick German accent.) I demand immediate stasis report! SERGEANT SHTLZ! (A Fodder droid approaches him shaking.)

SHTLZ: Y-Yes Colonel Yapyap?

Yapyap: Were are ze Confederate and Federation forces that should be attacking us?

SHTLZ: They have landed at the base of the pillar, but we are not sure because either they haven't actually landed or there hiding in the jungle below.

Yapyap: Well what are you doing? Burn that forest to the ground!

SHTLZ: Y-Yes sir, (He walks to the edge.) I hate this job. (He takes a pair of binoculars and notices several confederate and Federation Marines running below a cliff face.) Sir come over here.

Yapyap: (He walks over to SHLZ.) Zis had better be good SHTLZ! I'll have you demoted if your wasting my time!

SHTLZ: Sir the enemy is approaching, but I can't see them. (He leans over to get a better look.)

Yapyap: (He peers over the ledge.) Zen were are zey?

SHTLZ: They must be hiding behind (He falls of the cliff.) AHH!

Yapyap: Get back up here you useless bag of bolts! (He walks away from the ledge.) I

shwear he's doing this just to get out of work.

(Meanwhile at the bottom of the cliff SHTLZ lands intact, he notices the forces behind

him.)

SHTLZ: I SEE NOTHING! (He runs away.) I SEE NOTHING!

(He is shot in the neck by Akola, everyone has an awkward look on their faces.)

Seraph: So, this is where the fun begins.

Stan: Race you to the top.

Seraph: I'll give you a head start.

Stan: Your mistake! (He jumps onto a vine and climbs up.)

Akola: Attach the cables you tube spawn!

(They do just that.)

Seraph: I'm right behind you master.

(Several Confederate gunship/walkers trudge up the cliff, meanwhile several federation

drop ships land next to the cliff, Homer, Grunchy, Tyler, Zolp, and several Federation

soldiers are inside of one.)

Tyler: Alright greenhorns you were you trained for this!

Homer: Um sir, you never really trained us for whatever it is were going to do here, it was

more of a broad outline about how to use the equipment.

Tyler: Then let me explain it to you worms AGAIN, (He pulls out an explosive charge.)

THIS is a plasma charge, (He points at the buttons on it.) you press this button to set the

charge (He pulls out a detonator.) and you press the button on this to blow up the charge.

Homer: Why would I want to blow up the charge?

Tyler: IT'S AND EXPLOSIVE YOU MORAN! YOUR SUPPOSE TO BLOW IT UP!

Zolp: So this is "glories" training that Gol-Gor Oth said that you received.

Tyler: Oh shut up banshee, (The drop ship lands.) look I'll set the charges myself. (He

does so, he activates the detonator.) CLEAR! (The charges explode, and open a passage

in the side.)

Homer: Wait why are those guys up there in the big spiders going up and not going in like

this?

Tyler: The Confederates? We're doing the covert part of this mission and actually retrieve

the "laundry" from the pirates, now get in there before I make you go in there at gun

point!

Homer: (He screams.) I'll go, I'll go. (He goes inside.)

Grunchy: Munchkins second! (He goes inside.)

Zolp: Orion's finest eh?

Tyler: Listen his résumé said that he was an expert with explosives, either he lied or he's

playing dumb just to annoy me.

Zolp: It's either one, or the other, or both.

Tyler: Yeah maybe, wait I'm supposed to go first, GO! GO! GO! (The soldiers charge in.)

GAH! I did it again! (He goes inside.)

Zolp: (Sighs.) He's lost his focus a bit. (She goes inside.)

(Meanwhile halfway up the cliff, Seraph and Stan are climbing up on vines but they are

being fired on by pirates.)

Seraph: (She deflects a shot.) Ugh! How much longer till we get to the top?

Stan: (He deflects several shots.) Just a few more feet Tano! You may want to make

yourself comfortable it may be a while!

Seraph: (She looks at a walker/gunship that's passing her by.) I will comply. (She swings

over and grabs it.) This good enough master?

Stan: Nice one.

(Meanwhile at the top the pirates are almost hit by the walkers.)

Yapyap: Target walkers you bolts!

(The pirates begin to fire on the walkers/gunship's and several of them plummet to the

ground.)

Akola: Sir the walkers are being attacked!

Stan: (He deflects several shots.) Erg! Do I look like I can do anything about that right

now captain! Besides I can see them falling.

Seraph: WHAT! (The pilot in the walker's gun is killed.) I should be used to my ideas

backfiring on me by now. (She jumps on top of the main cockpit and deflects several

shots from above, several pirate speeders zip past and shoot the front legs causing it to

buck slightly and almost falls over, Seraph stumbles over and struggles to keep her grip.)

Stan: (He notices Seraph in trouble.) Seraph! (He umps onto a speeder, shoots the other

speeders down and attacks the gun emplacements on the cliff face and goes upward.) Try

to keep up Tano!

Seraph: (Struggles to keep her grip.) Cheater! (The walker regains its balance and she gets

back on her feet.) Pilot, get this walker moving!

(Stan continues to fly upwards to the top, he jumps off and lands square in the middle of a

squad of pirate troops, Colonel Yapyap approaches.)

Yapyap: Welcome human pig, caught you a bit by surprised ja? Prepare to die swine!

(The pirate troops point their weapons at him, he closes his eyes but then the

gunship/walker that Seraph was on flies over them and lands directly on top of Yapyap

and his men.)

Seraph: Master? Master where are you?

Stan: (Muffled yelling.) I'M UNDER THE GUNSHIP! IN GREAT PAIN I MIGHT

ADD!

Seraph: WHOA! Pilot get the gunship off of him!

Pilot: Gah! SIR YES SIR!

(The legs on the gunship unfold and walk towards the rest of the pirate forces.)

Stan: You do not want to know what that felt like.

Seraph: (Laughs nervously.) Oops, I'm guessing you want some ointment?

Stan: (Angrily.) Damn right.

(Solemn Oath flies out.)

Solemn Oath: You rang?

(Meanwhile in the lower caverns of the pirate base.)

Homer: (Laughs wildly.) You mean the Telkines used to think their planet was banana

shaped! That's so funny, and that thing with the Dxun bladders preventing Earthquakes!

(He laughs almost mindlessly.)

Tyler: Yes I know but this is hardly the time nor the place to laugh about such things.

(Homer continues to laugh; Tyler hits him in the jaw with his rifle.) SHUT UP! Now then

Zolp where are we?

Zolp: (She has a device.) Well according to this he's in section 1,157.

Tyler: Then where are we?

Zolp: Section Nine.

Homer: WHAT! That's like a million sections away!

Grunchy: (Sighs.) Why didn't we ask for that Templar's Array droid? (He takes Zolps device.) Let me see that, (He presses a few buttons.) according to this (He points at an access hatch that nobody noticed before.) that access hatch goes all the way to the top. It looks like a strait run but it's full of guards.

Tyler: Well how long is it?

Grunchy: Roughly a mile.

Homer: So it's either several small rooms filled with enemies, or one long room filed with

enemies? I say we give up.

Grunchy: But we aren't even in the first room!

Homer: Of course were not, were in room nine that's way past room One by, look I'm just

going over there. (He walks over there.)

Tyler: I hate him, I hate him a lot.

Zolp: That makes two of us. I have an idea.

(They all mumble at the device.)

Homer: (Mockingly.) Oh look, I'm Grunchy, Tyler, and that sharp lady, (He starts to press

random buttons on a terminal he found.) look at me play around with all these buttons! (A

door opens and there are pirate soldiers behind it.) Uh guys how do I close this door?

Tyler: What the! (The pirates begin to fire, he, Zolp and Grunchy get behind cover.)

Homer you idiot! That's the eighth barracks you opened today!

Homer: No I didn't.

Grunchy: Yes you did! We lost the entire squad from the first barracks opened, and the

other six we almost got killed!

Homer: That means were better than the other guys right?

Tyler: That proves NOTHING! (Zolp puts a cable around Tyler's waste.) Now if you'll

excuse me I'm going into that access shaft.

Homer: Then why the cable?

Zolp: Cable has been attached to the guided missile. (She pulls out a rocket launcher and

puts a missile inside of it.)

Homer: What that won't kill them all!

Zolp: That's not the idea this is a guided rocket. (She gets out of cover.) FIRE IN THE

HOLE! (She fires the guided rocket into the access shaft.)

Tyler: You know Zolp I'm begging to have second thoughts.

Zolp: You had a first thought?

Homer: HAHA! A stupid plan and for once it looks like I can't get hurt!

Tyler: I think I can say the same for myself. (He takes the cable off and ties it around

Homer's waste.) Oh and in case you forget to say it latter I'll say it for you, ouch.

Homer: Why ouch? (He flies away on the end of the cable through the access shaft.)

OUCH!

Zolp: I'm surprised that cable is still holding.

(Meanwhile at the top.)

Akola: Sir we have secured the monastery.

Stan: Good work captain, now let's get inside and rescue Otiv's son.

Akola: Is this the same Otiv that I'm thinking of sir?

(Homer shots out of the top.)

Homer: HHHUUURRRTTT!

(He crash lands inside of the Sinbad's main hanger.)

Stan: Seraph did you hear something?

Seraph: Not really.

Stan: Good, I thought I was hearing things; now let's get inside and find him. (He goes to

the front door of the monastery.)

Akola: Are we after the same Attor that I think he's talking about commander?

Seraph: Unfortunately yes, yes I don't understand the logic behind this kidnapping either

but we have our orders, (She and Akola walk towards the door.) and a seemingly infinite

pirate menace to deal with.

(The door opens, a droid that looks like a Dalek comes out.)

Dalek: Greetings, I am the caretaker of this monastery, I am 5B-8, who might you be and

why are you here?

Stan: I am General Stan Tartarus, we believe you may someone of importance inside.

May we come inside?

5B-8: Very well, (Notices Seraph.) I'm sorry but this is no place for a servant girl.

Seraph: **WHAT!** Do servant girls carry (She pulls her light blade on 5B-8.) one of these?

I'm Lukus Knight. (Stan motions to her and she deactivates her light blade.) Or soon will

be anyway.

5B-8: Yes, follow me. (Everyone does so.)

Akola: I don't like the look of this place, it gives me the creeps.

Seraph: Thank you for pointing out the obvious nature of the situation Captain.

Akola: No sir the term is "Captain Obvious."

Seraph: Obviously.

Akola: No I mean. (He sighs in defeat.) How about me and the men just stay out there?

You know to keep watch and, stuff?

Stan: Fine by me.

Akola: Right sir, we'll be outside in case you need anything. (He and his mean leave.)

Solemn Oath you go with them.

Solemn Oath: Why?

Akola: You're an array droid; it wouldn't take ten of you to figure out why.

Solemn Oath: (Groans.) Fine, but only because I want to. (He hovers towards Stan and

Seraph.)

(Meanwhile on Earth, Rhea Orion is just about to leave when she receives a call from

Ormpha Tyrana.)

Rhea: Mr. Ormpha, how have things been with you? Still brooding about what happened

on Freya II at the start of the war I presume?

Tyrana: (Grunts, he stammers nervously.) I have absolutely no idea what you are talking

about senator.

Rhea: (Sighs.) I'm on a secure channel you don't have to keep up that stupid act were you

act like nothing is going on.

Tyrana: Good, and yes I am still brooding about the war.

Rhea: I understand that Freya was your birth world, and the fact that you have been

attempting unsuccessfully trying to avenge your peoples honor and your long dead family,

but you can't cling to your grief forever you have to let go of it sooner or later.

Tyrana: Watch it Machina, I can have you put into cold storage for your sudden lack of

interest in your duties, or better yet have you downgraded.

Rhea: (Gasps.) You wouldn't dare.

Tyrana: Try me; I've always wanted to see the process of having all of the emotions

removed from your brain and your freewill erased from your mind.

Rhea: Look what is this about?

Tyrana: Oh nothing just thought I wanted you to know that your little Stanky Wanky is on

Htet, and he is in grave danger.

Rhea: WHAT! No wait he's always in danger in one way or another.

Tyrana: Yes, but Lith'mar is in charge of the outpost that he's at, and you know and I both

now that she is not merciful to humans.

Rhea: Are you trying to goad me into doing something stupid or are you being honest for

once?

Tyrana: Not at all my dear, but from what I have heard the commanding ship had been

severally damaged by a guided rocket, and that reinforcements won't be available for the

next two hours, and from what I have heard you have no interest into wagging war so

logically you will not send any forces to Htet to relieve them, besides there's a good

chance that Lith'mar will frame the Lukus Order for kidnapping and murdering him.

Rhea: You know it's a funny thing, you've just convinced me to do just the opposite of

what you have just stated. (A fearsome looking droid that looks like a Halo Brute enters.)

Jiral-3PO?

Jiral-3PO: (Sounds like C-3PO.) Yes mistress Orion?

Rhea: Set a course for planet Pazaak.

Jiral-3PO: Oh dear you can't be serious milady!

Rhea: I am, and send a message to Amidala, tell Admiral Zeus to scramble the fleet.

Jiral-3PO: (Sighs.) Yes madam. (He leaves.)

Tyrana: Hmm, Pazaak, Pazaak, isn't that the homeworld of Otiv's uncle Vtoi?

Rhea: That's the idea draco, I go to Pazaak, plead my case to Vtoi and get this whole farce

over with.

Tyrana: Let me guess and end this stupid "pirate wars" trash over with before it begins am

I right?

Rhea: If the opportunity arises yes.

Tyrana: (Chuckles.) You poor delusional banshee, non shall escape from the storm that is

to come, though those who burnt the colonies are dead I shall never forget their slaughter

of the sons of Telchine, Njord, and Montezuma. I will paint every one of their worlds

with their blood, this is my plan for the rebirth of the Fellowship and the demise of humanity, I do not care whether or not my people agree or disagree with my views, I will purge this galaxy of every last shizno down to last man, women, and child.

Rhea: Not if we get to it first.

Tyrana: (Warily.) Right, if you get to it first.

(Meanwhile, deep inside of the Quetzal prison, Lith'mar is speaking with Bob via interplanetary communicators.)

Lith'mar: Sir, the Order has taken the outpost top side, I am requesting reinforcements to retake it.

Bob: Aye Lith'mar reinforcements are on route, oh and bye the way someone wanted me to send an AI to you.

Lith'mar: An AI? What would I want an AI for?

Bob: I don't know, some weird guy he was talking to, Kaos I believe his name was or

something sent an AI designated ERIS by Q-space transmission and told me to send it to

you.

Lith'mar: Really? When shall I receive this AI?

Bob: You haven't received it yet? I sent it over five hours ago.

(ERIS appears next to Bob in a hologram.)

ERIS: This one is a she, not an it.

Bob: Well sorry, over and out. (Bob turns of his communicator.)

Lith'mar: So, what did Lord Kaos have in mind for you?

ERIS: I was sent with the intention of providing security to the automated systems of this

facility.

Lith'mar: Is that all?

ERIS: No, in fact that's a secondary priority, this one's main priority is to enter the body

of a Twi'grutan that is supposed to be here.

Lith'mar: So neither Rhea nor her handmaids managed to kill her? Very well, I'm

connecting you into the systems now. (She presses a few buttons, suddenly the door

breaks down, and Tyler, Zolp, and Grunchy are behind it.) Damn interlopers. (She draws

her plasma swords.)

(Meanwhile in the prison block, Seraph, Stan, and Solemn Oath are looking through

random cells for Attor Enoelroc.)

Seraph: Master we've looked through eight cells already and we still haven't found him.

(Stan opens another cell, for some reason there is a train approaching, Stan closes the

door just before it hits.) Make those nine cells.

Stan: Fine then! If you're so smart fine him yourself!

Seraph: I can't I don't know where he is!

Solemn Oath: Do either of you mind if I just hack into the systems to see where he is?

Seraph and Stan: (In unison.) YES!

Solemn Oath: Fine, just checking. (He goes over to a terminal and tries to hack it.)

Stan: (Sighs.) Look I'm sorry for yelling at you.

Seraph: I understand.

Stan: I know this might seem prying but what is it like to be assimilated? I'm just curious.

Seraph: (Sighs.) That's a part of my life I never wanted to delve into again, but only to

satisfy your curiosity. Everything shut down for me as my vision went black, as my eyes

rolled back into my head. Unconsciousness was all I could witness at the time. It was all

so strange, a moment I was grimacing as the Thrail inserted their assimilation tubules into

my bloodstream and inserted their nanoprobes, and then I could feel nothing, I could see

nothing, I could hear nothing, and the only thing I seemed to think was that I was dead, or

at least in a deep, sound sleep. A minute later I my regained vision, I could see my sister

Uthenara beside me, my parents in front of me. To my notice, my body appeared to be

moving all on its own, standing up straight to attention which was really weird because at

the time I was too young to walk, yet I felt as if I was in full-body paralysis. I appeared to

be staring into space, listless and zombie-like, until I, as well as Thermopylae and Narsil and Kithra, started down the hall, they put me and my sister into some sort of cradle. This was when I realized that a host is still alive when assimilated by the Thrail, but also aware of his or her actions. This was the tragedy of this situation, not only was my entire family assimilated, my family was under the control of the Thrail Queen, but now the Ashla clan was, like it or not, going to witness myself fulfill a new campaign; assimilating anything that Jezebel the Thrail queen deems worthy of being assimilated into the collective, and subjugating them under the Queen's, _my_ Queen's, control. First was the medical station, and then, the entire they thought and revelation of now being a drone minion, my body a puppet to dance for the Queen, should have frightened me, I was not afraid, angry, devastated, nor otherwise. Sure I did witness my body moving under another mind's control, but that mind had more control over my mind's qualities than I thought. For which, without any emotion or thoughts, I was a droid, a simple slave to my new programming, that and thankfully she never thought it relevant for the drones to dance on her will. And with one mind controlling me completely, while my own mind was nothing more than a spectator of myself, I was entirely horrified.

Darth Sith'ari: (I suddenly appear.) The preceding was used by permission by 082 Martian

Scout from his story Worm Wars, and one of the conditions was that I mentioned that it was his, it has been edited to fit in with the canon of this story and grammar of the dialog.

Thank you for your time. (I suddenly disappear.)

Stan: Who was THAT?

Seraph: To be honest with you I have no idea, anyway for seven long nightmarish years I

was forced to watch as civilizations were destroyed within a blink of an eye, see families

torn asunder as mine was. Seeing as my parents assimilate against their will, watching as

their hands forced entire species into slavery by the Thrail. It's been seven hard years

since I was liberated from the collective but, (Sighs.) as far as I know they are either dead

or still in the collective. But if the opportunity comes up I will destroy the Thrail

collective and liberate every drone possible including my family!

Stan: Very ambitious of you, but you're going to have to take one step at a time.

Solemn Oath: Stan I'm having problems hacking this terminal.

Seraph: All right stand back shiny, time for that master of hacking to work, (She extends

her assimilation tubules.) believe me this is the only bonus with having been assimilated

in the first place. (She injects them into the terminal.) Ah he's in cell 327. (The terminal

suddenly electrocutes her and she falls on her back, her left hand is glowing with blue

glyph like lines on her left arm.)

Stan: Seraph! Seraph is everything all right?

Seraph: I think so; he's in that cell behind you. (Stan opens it, and behind it is Attor.) I

never thought I would ever say this to a Jabbaite but, he's so cute!

Stan: Your right, that is unexpected, but you should see him when he's older.


	25. Chapter 25

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 25

(Meanwhile on Earth, Lisa is looking for Seth; she's inside of a closet.)

Lisa: Hello? Is anyone in there? Seth are you in here?

Seth: (He jumps out of nowhere holding a push broom.) WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME!

Lisa: WHOA calm down! Let's just talk this out, first off who are you?

Seth: I already told you my name, what else do you want to know?

Lisa: Look it wouldn't kill you to tell me a little about yourself.

Seth: Alright but you better pay attention, I will not repeat myself if you don't, I am the

son of Amidalas Prime Minister Juno Elysium.

Lisa: You're from Amidala?

Seth: I just said my mother was the prime minister didn't I?

Lisa: Yes you did. So why are you here? Is she on business here or something?

Seth: No I'm here under political asylum because she contracted a suspicious case of the

Bugalorian plague and had to be put in cryo-suspension.

Lisa: How is it suspicious and what is the Bugalorian plague?

Seth: It's a highly contagious disease were you slowly turn into a humanoid like termite,

and the suspicious part is that there hasn't been a reported outbreak for over two hundred

years, that and she was far too healthy to fall to such a relatively uncommon illness. How

much of that did you get?

Lisa: All of it, so why not stay on your planet?

Seth: I've been wondering that myself, for some reason her personal adviser Senator Rhea

Orion sent me here until they could discover a cure, that was almost a year years ago and

they STILL haven't found a cure for it.

Lisa: Hey I met her on Mimban IV!

Seth: You mean Rhea or Juno?

Lisa: Rhea of course you just said that your mother wasn't well.

Seth: Fair enough, (He notices an odd pattern on her neck that looks like snake skin.) is

that natural?

Lisa: What? Oh that, well during the summer I was bitten by a breeding conduit and we

had to go to Telchine to find a cure. We found it but I had my right arm amputated in a botched attempt to prevent the venom from spreading, and my left eye was accidentally stabbed out so I had to have those replaced by cybernetics.

Seth: I asked about why you had scales on your neck not whether or not you were a

cyborg.

Lisa: Wait what we're babbling about earlier about a "birth mark"?

Seth: (Groans.) Look I'll make this quick because class starts in a few minutes, there's this

rumor that's spreading on Earth that three people that have odd birth marks on their hands would be responsible for the fall of galactic civilization.

Lisa: That's ridiculous.

Seth: That's what I said the first time I heard of that, I spent two weeks hiding in the

sewers from the angry mobs that accused me of being "one of them".

Lisa: Well, can I at least see it?

Seth: No!

Lisa: (She shows the dreaded PUPPY DOG EYES!) Please?

Seth: (Sighs.) Fine but only because I'm a sucker for the "puppy dog eyes". (He shows her

his birthmark which looks like the mark of the dragon riders from "Eragon".) Now as far

as anyone knows I do not have this, got it?

Lisa: Yes of course.

Seth: You promise you won't mention this to any one, at all?

Lisa: Oh come on it can't be that bad.

Seth: I just told you how it would be bad.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Andúril and Meem arrive on the planet.)

Andúril: There had better be a good reason why we're here.

Meem: I forgot to get Di-In's autograph the last time I was here, now where is he?

Andúril: (Groans.) Oh for the love of… my father is a patriarch just as Di-In is why not

bother him?

Meem: I already have his autograph, over twenty thousand so after a while he considered

me a major nescience.

Andúril: (Snorts.) Fair enough, (He notices Zaar sitting on a bench in the hall.) You go on

without me I have to talk to someone.

Meem: Fine by me. (He leaves.)

Andúril: (He walks towards Zaar.) Durfanatie Quetzal.

Zaar: What do you want?

Andúril: Sorry I'm just curious as to why you look so low.

Zaar: (Sighs.) Fine then, my best friend just got assigned a master and I haven't just

because I was declared insane due to a childhood trauma I had when I was almost eaten

by a mutant rabbit.

Andúril: That doesn't seem fair at all.

Zaar: Turvack right! On top of that a banshee that was expelled seven years ago was just

let back in recently and was assigned to Stan Tartarus against the better judgment of the

entire council, and Seraph as well.

Andúril: So your jealous of your friends because there on the frontlines and your back

here mopping over the councils denial?

Zaar: Pretty much yes, why do you even care? You don't work here.

Andúril: Then perhaps you do not know who you are talking to, I am Thel Andúril you?

Zaar: Zaar Lrack, didn't you also leave the order two hundred years ago?

Andúril: (Snorts.) Yes I did, but I'm going to see if I can get my job back and perhaps take

you under my wing.

Zaar: Zha cara hurf ypir gik jtik ak neeer Novaus? (Translation: And why would you want

me as your Novus?)

Andúril: Six thousand years ago my father Col liberated your people from the Charons

and appointed the Lrack clan as the rulers of Montezuma, it's time that it be repaid.

(Meem is now in view of chasing Di-In.)

Di-In: Get away from me!

Meem: I just want one autograph!

(Meanwhile on Htet, Seraph, Stan, and Solemn Oath are topside.)

Akola: We went through all of this for THAT?

Seraph: Like I said before I don't get it either but the point is he's alive, (Attor vomits.) I

bit green around the gills but he looks alright.

Attor: (Translation.) I don't have any gills! Now take me home!

Stan: Quiet I'm going to talk to master Ibonek and check up on him.

Solemn Oath: Do I have to get into the star fighter again?

Stan: Yes of course.

Solemn Oath: (Sighs.) Yes sir, (He gets into hole on a Lukus star fighter and projects a

hologram of Ibonek.)

Ibonek: What is it?

Stan: We have recovered Attor; I repeat we have found Attor.

Ibonek: Excellent, get him to Vay'adour as soon as possible.

Stan: We will, but the ship we came in here on was damaged by some sort of artillery

shell from the pirate base.

Ibonek: That's most unfortunate; the Fellowship should be sending reinforcements any

minute now.

Stan: Master that's not the problem I think smelly er um Attor might be sick.

Attor: (Translation.) The coughing and vomiting wasn't proof enough for you?

Akola: Sir I'm detecting numerous pirate signatures, and there's some kind of fleshy

debris falling from the Sinbad.

(Homer falls screaming from the sky.)

Seraph: Why does this not surprise me?

(Solemn Oath flies panicked from the star fighter and then Homer falls on it destroying

it.)

Homer: I'm okay.

(A massive pirate fleet enters the system.)

Seraph: I doubt that feeling will last long, everyone inside NOW!

(Everyone but Seraph, Stan, and Homer run inside, Lith'mar and 5B-8 are looking over

them.)

Lith'mar: Quick record them stuffing the Jabbaban into the knapsack!

5B-8: Yes mistress.

(He starts recording Stan and Seraph trying to jam Attor into a knapsack, Attor is

squirming.)

Seraph: Stop whining and get into the knapsack!

Attor: (Translation.) Don't force me in just put me in gently!

Stan: Man do I hate Jabbabins, (He finally fits Attor inside of the knapsack.) there we go!

Homer: What's going on here!

Seraph: I'll explain when were inside!

(The three of them run inside.)

Lith'mar: Did you get all of that?

5B-8: I think so, it will require extensive editing to make it convincing but it might be

sufficient.

Lith'mar: It will have to do the reinforcements are coming sooner the expected.

(Meanwhile, on the Fellowship star cruiser Pillar of Amber Dawn, flagship of the Fleet of

Infinite Vigilance, over Narsil, captained by Fleet Lord Dumat Iylos.)

Iylos: Are we ready to make the jump to Htet?

Second in command: Yes Lord Dumat.

Iylos: Right then, engage the Q-drive. (The entire fleet enters Q-space, forty five seconds

latter there over Htet and they are under attack by the pirate fleet.) Gar how many pirate

ships are there?

Gar: Six thousand! They out number us three to one!

Iylos: Then it is an even fight. All ships fire at will, Burn there mongrel hides to glass!

Deploy all fighters, bombers and boarding packs!

Gar: I'll take that as an. "Engage battle-pattern Xim-Yavin-Jango."

Iylos: Exactly!

(Meanwhile, inside of the monastery.)

Homer: Can some please tell me what's going on?

Seraph: Will you please stop whining? From what I could decipher from the schematics

there should be a landing pad at the rear.

Homer: Whoa young lady! If anyone is going to make plans here it's going to be me.

(Seraph punches him in the face.) OWW! My nose! My beautiful nose! I am so going to

ground you when we get out of this mess.

Stan: I think you mean if we get out alive, besides you don't have a beautiful nose. But I

have to agree with you that was a bit unnecessary.

Seraph: I'm sorry but I wasn't doing that, consciously. (She looks at her left arm with a

worried look on her face and it's flexing on its own.) Oh this can't be good.

(Tyler, Grunchy and Zolp appear out of nowhere.)

Grunchy: You know kid you should really have that thing looked at.

Homer: Grunchy how have things been with you?

Grunchy: well apart from wandering through this entire base for three hours and almost

getting eviscerated by a demented 'Vadam assassin I can safely say that this has been a

good day!

Tyler: I'm surrounded by idiots, look we went into the cell block and Attor wasn't in there.

Stan: Funny thing about that, we found him first. (He shows him Attor in his knapsack.)

Tyler: Wonderful, anyway what are you doing in here?

Stan: The pirates sent in reinforcements and were going to a landing pad at the back.

Tyler: Then we wait for a shuttle from the Sinbad right?

Stan: Actually Homer was somehow fired from a guided missile into the hanger of the ship.

(The is an awkward silence.)

Tyler: Well… this is a first, Zolp screws up big time.

Stan: What now?

(Tyler explains what happened in the last chapter.)

Seraph: Homer doing something stupid I can believe.

Zolp: Listen is the Fellowship reinforcements here yet? Yes or no?

Stan: I believe so.

Zolp: I'll see about that, (She pulls out her communicator.) this is Field Mistress Zolp Sal-

Lrack contacting all Fellowship forces near the Htet system come in. (A hologram of

Iylos appears on her communicator.)

Iylos: This is Fleet Lord Iylos, what is your status Field Mistress?

Zolp: I am inside of the prison with Confederate, Federation, and Orders forces but the

pirates have overrun the entire building. Now there should be a landing pad at the rear of

the prison can you send a drop ship there?

Iylos: Aye, get there quickly, Iylos out. (His hologram disappears.)

Stan: Akola you and your men stay here and guard the entrance in case they break

through.

Akola: Yes sir! (He and his men take up positions around the front door.)

Homer: I think I may need this amputated, can I get a cybernetic nose?

Tyler: Drop it.

(Meanwhile on Pazack, Senator Rhea's ship lands near the palace of Vtoi Enoelroc.)

Rhea: Now then Jiral I want you to stay here with the ship.

Jiral-3PO: But mistress what if armed goons come here?

Rhea: Didn't Stan program you with combat subroutines?

Jiral-3PO: Yes but he never really had a use for me in that regard.

Rhea: Look if something goes wrong contact the Republic embassy nearby to relieve me

from Vtoi's palace.

Jiral-3PO: (Sighs.) Very well mistress.

(Meanwhile on Vay'adour at the palace of Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc, a drop ship carrying

Sideshow Bob lands.)

Bob: (Takes a deep breath.) What a repugnant planet. (He goes inside, he enters Otiv's

courtroom.)San: Who are you and why have come before lord Otiv?

Bob: I am Grand Admiral Bob "Sideshow" Terwilligar Jr. of the "Wrath of Kaos", and I

have come to offer my aid in recovering his son.

Otiv: (Translation.) What makes you think I would want your help? Besides I already

have the Lukus Order, The Koprulican Confederacy, The Orion Federation, and just

recently the Amidalan Republic.

Bob: A funny thing about that, there the ones who kidnapped your son.

Otiv: (Translation.) WHAT! Explain yourself shizno!

Bob: I'm not going to tell you, but I will (He pulls out a communicator.) show you! (He

presses a button but nothing happens.) Darn it I thought I had this accursed thing fixed!

(He hits it against the wall a few times.) This is the last time I get electronics from a pawn

shop! (It comes on showing a hologram of Stan and Seraph stuffing Attor in the

knapsack.) FINALY!

Stan: When I grow up I want to be a dentist.

Seraph: I have defied gods and demons, I am your shield, I am your sword.

San: Those words seem, unorthodox for a kidnapping wouldn't you agree my lord? On

top of that their lips aren't in sync with the words that are emanating from.

Otiv: (Translation.) I WANT THEM TURNED INTO TURBONS!

Bob: I'm glad you see things my way; I shall personally return your son to you and the

corpses of his kidnappers. Also if you can give us complete and unrestricted access to

your organization files, resources, troop formations, intelligence and the like that would

be most helpful.

Otiv: (Translation.) I'll do anything you say just bring me my son, and if he's dead I'll do

whatever you want me to do anyway.

Bob: Wonderful! Now if you'll excuse me, (He speaks with a deep and dramatic tone of

voice.) I have to rescue a frog from the clutches of evil. (He leaves while laughing

manically.)

San: What a loon.

(Meanwhile on Htet every one is at a landing platform at the rear of the base.)Homer:

(Pants.) I thought we would never get here! How is my nose doing?

Tyler: Will you give your nose a rest already!

Zolp: (Sighs.) Iylos we are at the LZ where is that drop ship!

Iylos: It should be in your view right about (The drop ship enters into view.) now.

Zolp: Yes the drop ship is in view. (A pirate star fighter blows up the drop ship.) Eh? Can

you spare another drop ship?

Iylos: Negar'apadbiy (Translation: Negative.) Field Mistress.

Zolp: WHAT! We have Otiv's son and were being hounded by 'Vadam banshee and

you're just going to leave us for dead!

Iylos: Simmer down Zolp, I can't spare anymore drop ships at this time, hopefully before

this 'Vadam you speak of arrives.

(A pair of plasma swords makes a hole in a wall, Lith'mar kicks down the cut piece of

metal and roars.)

Zolp: To late it found us! (She pulls out a short sword, Lith'mar uses the Esscence to pull Zolp towards her and she uses Zolps own short sword to tear off her head.)

Tyler: NO! (He notices that nobody is doing anything.) What are you doing just standing

giving a stupid look? KILL THAT OVERGROWN PIECE OF FISH! (He fires his

weapon.)

Homer: OH! (He begins to fire his weapon, badly.)

Grunchy: I knew I almost forgot something. (He begins to fire his weapon.)

(Lith'mar deflects the shots.)

Tyler: (Notices that Stan and Seraph aren't doing anything.) What are you two waiting

for!

Stan: An alternate method for getting of this rock. (A giant fly comes into view.) FOUND

IT! (He jumps on its head and jams his light blade into its head.) Everybody on!

Homer: That's the best idea I've heard all day! (He jumps on, Grunchy and Tyler follow

suit.)

Stan: Seraph what are you waiting for?

(Lith'mar lunges at her but Seraph deflects and knees her in the throat.)

Seraph: A chance to do that.

(She jumps onto the fly, it then flies away.)

Solemn Oath: (He enters and he is panting.) Thanks for waiting up for me guys, guys?

(He notices that there on a giant fly heading to another stone pillar thingy, Zolp's corpse,

and an unconscious Lith'mar.) GWAH! (He floats after the giant fly.) Wait for me!

(Meanwhile on Pazack, Vtoi is talking with one of an assassin droids.)

Vtoi: (He talks a lot like Vito Corleone from the Godfather.)

Vtoi: Chimera-970, you come before me this day to tell me that you have failed in your

mission, and you expect me to forgive your slip up?

Chimera-970: I am sorry sir; I will not fail you again.

Vtoi: Don't worry about it, take him away!

Chimera-970: What? (Two droids take him away by the arms.) No wait, NO!

(The guards take him away; Rhea enters the room wearing a cloak.)

Vtoi: Who are you?

Rhea: (She pulls down her hood.) I am senator Rhea Orion of the Republic of Amidala.

Vtoi: Really? What brings you to my humble abode?

Rhea: I have to plead for assistance in rescuing you grand-nephew Attor Enoelroc.

Vtoi: That's interesting because from what I heard from his father nearly everyone in the

galaxy was responsible for kidnapping his son except for the Wrath of Kaos.

Rhea: Yes but if you're willing to listen.

Vtoi: I don't want to hear a word about it, be gone!

Rhea: But.

Vtoi: OUT NOW LITTLE APE! Guards take her away!

(A pair of guards grabs her by the arms.)

Rhea: What the! (They drag her to a torture chamber.) Never thought I would have to do

this again. (She turns invisible and destroys all the equipment and droids.) I really hate it

when push comes to shove like this.

(She becomes visible again, she heads back to the throne room and notices Vtoi talking to

Bob, and she turns invisible again.)

Vtoi: Alright Bob, I helped you get my grand-nephew so I could be leader of the

Jabbabans. But honestly must I kill the little tadpole?

Bob: Of course you have to! He would be a threat to your rule!

Vtoi: Oh come on by the time he would be old enough he wouldn't feel a bit of anger

against me.

(Rhea walks over to him; she trips on the rug and falls flat on her face, then several

random pieces of furniture fall on top of her.)

Rhea: (Muffled.) Ouch.

Vtoi: What the! How did you get out of the torture chamber?

Rhea: (She de-cloaks.) Your guards aren't' the strongest branches in the bundle, let's just

leave it at that. (She notices Bob.) I suppose that you're the leader of The Wrath of Kaos

am I right?

Bob: Not really, and you must be the lovely Juno Elysium?

Rhea: No.

Bob: Really? Wait one moment I might be awhile with this. (He picks up a book say, "A

Dictionary of Amidalan politicians, 4999-5009 Edition.) I could have sworn you looked

like her

Rhea: Yes you read that, I have to make a "call" to someone of no real importance.

Vtoi: You do that, I don't think he would believe me if I told him who you are so this

might be awhile.

Rhea: Then… could you let me go?

Vtoi: Eh? Oh right, guards release her.

(The guards do so; she runs into another room and makes a call to Jiral-3PO)

Rhea: Jiral they discovered me!

Jiral: Really? OH DEAR OH DEAR WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!

Rhea: Calm down Jiral, just call the Republic embassy and request for a squad of

commandos. Do you understand?

Jiral: Yes mistress. (He does just that.)

(Meanwhile on Htet, Tyler, Homer, Stan, Seraph, and Solemn Oath are approaching a

different stone pillar then what they were on before.)

Seraph: Yes Homer I am well aware that the Telkines used to think their homeworld was

shaped like a banana.

Homer: Well SORRY! It's been a boring flight. (He sees that there just above the pillar.)

Stan I think it's safe to park this thing.

Stan: (He removes his light blade from the flies head, it then fall onto a landing platform

filled with freighter ships.) Let's get a freighter.

Homer: Why not just take that fly?

(The fly explodes in a big goopy mess.)

Stan: That's why. (He notices a freighter that's being guarded by 5B-8.) How did you get

over here?

5B-8: Eh, I'm just checking on the.

(A trio of Fodder droids exit's the freighter.)

Fodder Droid 1: That's the last of the cargo and the ship is ready for… (He notices

Homer, Tyler, Stan, Seraph, Grunchy, and Solemn Oath.) O no.

5B-8: Don't just stand there, EXTERMINATE THEM!

Fodder Droid 1: Roger, roger. (He and the other droids fire their rifles.) You know I've

been waiting all day for him to say that all day.

Fodder Droid 2: Roger, roger

Fodder Droid 3: Roger, roger.

Tyler: Take cover!

(He Homer, Grunchy and Solemn Oath take cover behind some crates, Seraph uses the

Essence to pull the droids towards her and she slices them up.)

5B-8: Oh no.

(Seraph then throws her light blade into him and promptly tears off his head.)

Stan: Impressive, you even destroyed their weapons.

Seraph: I'm working on your technique.

Homer: Thank you for killing the evil used car salesman.

Tyler: You're an idiot you know that?

(They all go inside; Stan goes into the cockpit and communicates with Iylos.)

Stan: Fleet Lord, Field Mistress Zolp Sal-Lrack is KIA. I repeat Zolp has been killed in

action.

Iylos: Turvack! She was our finest agent to!

Stan: Yes I'm sorry for your loss, but can you spare a hanger for us to land in, we have acquired a freighter called (Notices the designation tag that says, "Dilapidated Hut".) the "Dilapidated Hut"?

Iylos: It's a Koprulican freighter isn't it?

Stan: It appears to be so. Anyway do you have any spare hangers for us to land in?

Iylos: Yes I believe so, (There are several large explosions All around the ship and the

ship suddenly rocks vionlently.) Gar what just happened!

Gar: The pirates have destroyed a portion of the fleet.

Iylos: How many?

Gar: We are down to our last five hundred ships and they report that their hangers have

been completely annihilated.

Stan: You can't be serious!

Gar: Aye, we will attempt to escape from the system but under the condition the fleet is in

we may be unable to make a course longer than 5 light years away from the system.

Iylos: Terrific, first I woke up this morning with a broken ankle; someone drank my half

and half AGAIN despite the fact that I labeled the stupid carton for THE UPTEENTH

TIME! Now I find myself risking the lives of my men just to rescue a little green ball of

mucus.

Ger: I thought you loved the day to day routine?

Stan: Oh never mind, were just going to Vay'adour to drop off this little slime bag

BEFORE he expires!

Iylos: You do that, we'll try to run away from here with our tales between our legs and

kiss our.

Gar: Sir you may like this news, I'm getting over a thousand ship signatures entering the

system.

Iylos: Please tell me there Fellowship.

Gar: No but they are friendless.

Iylos: Let me guess, Orions? (I can't believe I'm hoping for Orions.)

Gar: Better than them.

Iylos: Koprulicans?

Gar: Not that good, it's more of an even ground.

Iylos: Amidalan?

Gar: Bingo! (A man that looks like Lord Hood from the Halo games appears in a

hologram on Iylos's arm chair.)

Zeus: This is Admiral Zeus Charchara, if this pirate scum wants war, we'll give them war!

Stan: Admiral Zeus?

Zeus: Yes, Senator Orion sent us here to relieve the forces on planet.

Stan: (Under his breath.) Oh schnooky lumps you've done it again.

Zeus: What was that? I didn't get it.

Stan: Nothing, please tell me you brought at least one ship that has hangers, and that

Master Ibonek is with you.

Zeus: Yes and no, yes Master Ibonek and his Novus are on board, no I'm afraid I

neglected to bring a star fighter carrier.

Stan: You can't be serious! Look can you at least make a strait run for us to get out of the

system?

Zeus: I think we can manage that, meanwhile Ibonek and Daavas shall go to the prison and pick off any stragglers.

Stan: Wouldn't that require drop ships, from a hanger?

Zeus: Erm? Well you see. (The communication cuts off.)

Stan: (Sighs.) This is really not my day.

(Homer enters the cockpit.)

Homer: So how are things going?

Stan: Well for starters the Fellowship fleet overhead has been crippled and they have no

available hangers for us to dock in. Now an Amidalan fleet has arrived but for some

reason their ships don't have any hangers so we have to go to Vay'adour with a sick

Jabbaban tadpole! Now how much have that did you get?

Homer: I only got you up until you said. "Well for starters." so I didn't get much.

Stan: (Groans.) Look we can't go on to any of the ships overhead, so we have to go

straight to Vay'adour and return Attor to Otiv before he dies.

Homer: Ah, could you repeat that?

Stan: Just go to your room before you break something important while I get the ship off the ground. (Homer screams like a little girl and runs away.) What a freak. (He tries to startup the ship but the engines sputter.) What a day this has been. (After several failed attempts to start up the engine it finally starts up.) Yes! (The ship lifts off.) YEEHAH!

(Meanwhile on Earth, Marge is talking to Sheila.)

Marge: (She has a bored expression on her face.) I am so bored.

Sheila: Yes I believe that this has been thirty-seventh consecutive time you've mentioned that.

Marge: I'm sorry it's just that, well let's face my husband is on the other side of the galaxy

shot, pirates, droids, aliens, and Covenant or whatever he's fighting, my long dead

daughter Maggie passes just ONE measly IQ test with a score of over seven hundred and

then becomes an intern to some alien scientist I've never heard of, and on top of that my

adopted daughter lied to me about field trip so she could go to some kind of cult.

Sheila: I'll take that as an "I'm jealous of the fact that nearly everyone I know is having an

adventure but I've been left out."

Marge: Pretty much yes.

Sheila: Look you still have two kids, sure there not perfect but let's face it who is? But,

(There's a beeping noise.) wait a moment Homer is calling. (She answers.) Hello?

Homer: Yes can I talk to Marge?

Sheila: Yes go right ahead.

Marge: Homer is that you?

Homer: The one and only!

Marge: Where are you?

Homer: I'm on some sort of freighter ship going to some planet called Vay'adour.

Sheila: You can't be serious!

Marge: What, what's wrong?

Sheila: Vay'adour is the headquarters of the infamous Jabbaban crime lord Otiv "The

Toad" Enoelroc, he has been known to make clothing out of the skins of anyone he

doesn't like.

Marge: You can't be serious! How come no one has tried to stop him?

Sheila: Well to put it bluntly if he was killed it could cause several businesses to go

under, Homer why are you going there anyway?

Homer: Well apparently some pirates kidnapped his son and command wanted a stake in

some sort of deal if we rescued him.

Marge: Wait are you still with Seraph?

Homer: Well she has been acting a bit weird.

Marge: What do you mean?

Homer: Well her left hand has been glowing for some reason, and on top of that see

punched me in the nose!

Marge: That glowing hand thing sounds worrisome; the nose however sounds pretty

usual.

Homer: What are you talking about?

Marge: Well for starters nearly everyone used to punch you in the nose and I mean

EVERYONE, including me a few times.

Homer: What! Everyone has punched me? Including you? (He hangs up.)

Sheila: Why you continue to live with that… imbecile I'll never understand.

Marge: He knocked me up. That should tell you something.

Sheila: Yes, yes indeed.


	26. Chapter 26

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 26

(Meanwhile, on the Derelict Hut.)

Solemn Oath: Oh come.

Seraph: No I am not going to tell you about the time I spent on Earth; you would probably get nightmares for the rest of your existence.

Solemn Oath: Oh come on please?

Seraph: NO, I'm having enough time trying to get myself to give Attor his pill! (She begins to randomly punch herself while trying to give Attor a pill.)

Attor: (Translation.) It's not mine I swear! (He burps wildly and spurts vomit randomly.)

Seraph: No you little idiot it's for your illness! (She continues to pummel herself.) Oath, get me a sedative for this hand before something serious happens. (She steps into Attor's vomit and she slips and falls.) WHOA! Ouch.

Solemn Oath: Okay then. (He starts to float away.)

Seraph: (She gets back on her feet.) Oath where do you think you're going? (She hits herself again.)

Solemn Oath: To get a sedative. (He continues to float away.)

(Meanwhile else ware on the ship, Homer is annoying Lieutenant Tyler.)

Homer: Come tell me about you and Zap.

Tyler: Her name was Zolp, and for the last time, I will tell you about her just stop interrupting.

Homer: Come on, you can tell me I won't tell anyone.

Tyler: (He hits Homer over the head with his rifle.) SHUT UP! Now then, about two maybe it was three years ago we met during an interspecies meet between the Federation of Orion, that's us just in case you forgot or weren't listening, and The Fellowship of Andu. Those were the alien ships that covered our escape from Htet. Anyway we were accepting pen pals from the FOA military, we didn't really care so we just chose random pen pals, and (He chuckles a bit.) I still can't believe that Private Mickey with Iylos. Anyway, I met Zolp shortly afterwards and, well let's just say I had an infections charm over her, we fell briefly but madly in love. But when command caught wind as to how "intermit" we were both demoted, I was a Commander before that.

Homer: Right, and Zolper was demoted to Field Mistress right?

Tyler: No she was Field Mistress BEFORE the incident, heard she had to regain her rank by being a makeshift spar ottoman in the court of Minas Aiur. She never forgave me for that fiasco.

Homer: Now she's dead.

Tyler: Yeah, wait what do you care?

Homer: I know what it's like to be used as human furniture believe me, I've been used as a coach, chair, table, desk, bed, you name it, I've probably been it.

Tyler: Just shut up and go to sleep.

Homer: But I'm not tired.

Tyler: Abracadabra! (He hits Homer over the head with his rifle, he falls down and falls asleep.) Your asleep! (He relaxes a bit and begins to snore.)

(Meanwhile on Htet, Captain Akola, his right hand man Sergeant Groucho, and Privates Larry, and Private Fodder are running for their lives from a squad of pirates comprising Dadabans, Turoks, and Fodder droids.)

Akola: Don't stop running!

(The pirates follow suit.)

Dadaban, Turok and Fodder Droids: (In unison.) MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Groucho: Annoying little cusses ain't they!

Akola: Just keep running!

(The enter into a hallway and for some reason the Benny Hill's theme is blaring loudly, Akola, Groucho, Larry, and Fodder run into random doors. Several Turoks jam into the same door, a Fodder droid shoves them through, several Dadabans run into a room. One of them runs out screaming because Private Larry is chasing him with a plasma chainsaw saw, and then, you know what? Forget it I'm just going to skip this whole pointless farce, the four of them are top side as a Republic gunship crash lands into the runway in front of the pirate base.)

Akola: GET DOWN!

(They all duck for cover, Ibonek and Daavas jump out deflecting plasma fire from the pirates.)

Ibonek: Captain what did we miss?

Akola: Well, the usual, Tartarus got himself an old freighter and left in a flash with Commander Seraph, two Orion's, a Dadaban mercenary, his Array droid, and the Jabbaban, they went directly to Vay'adour with Attor.

Ibonek: Excellent.

Akola: But there is one small problem, there is a 'Vadam assassin inside running amok!

Ibonek: Let me guess, you want me to kill this assassin?

Akola: Would you? She could very well cramp our occupation of the planet.

Ibonek: Very well, Daavas you stay and supervise the clean-up operation.

Daavas: Yes Master.

(Ibonek goes inside, after several minutes of searching he almost gives up until he is ambushed by Lith'mar.)

Lith'mar: Die Lukus filth!

Ibonek: What the! (He deflects her blows.) Wait, didn't we meet on Tiberius?

Lith'mar: (Amours.) Yes, yes we did, you provided such warmth to my flesh against the cold howling winds.

Ibonek: (He has a bewildered look on his face.) Okay? (He regains his composer.) Enough talk! (He lands several blows on Lith'mar but she deflects them anyway.)

(There duel goes to a bridge outside the actual structure, Lith'mar activates a pair of extensions on her plasma swords and she puts them together and they become duel bladed.)

Lith'mar: My master is already on Vay'adour, Otiv thinks your order kidnapped his son; your efforts here are meaningless!

Ibonek: (He catches Lith'mar off guard and slices her dual blade in two.) Believe me you're not the first to say that, but we will succeed against whatever your plan was for him.

Lith'mar: Oh you fool; you have no idea what my master plans for this galaxy when this is over. (She jumps of the bridge onto a passing pirate star fighter, but it can't hold her weight and so they both plummet to the ground.)

Ibonek: What a weirdo, (He turns on his communicator.) Daavas I have dealt with the assassin who are you holding up?

Daavas: The pirates have been routed and there retreating from the system.

Ibonek: Excellent, have you found the Sinbad?

Daavas: Yes it took refuge in the jungle canopy after the pirates reinforcements arrived; actually it more or less crashed into the ground due to damage sustained to the hanger.

Ibonek: Orion's, they never were good at building anything that could take a lot of punishment. Anyway get the troops to the ships overhead and set a course for Vay'adour, we may yet get this madness over with.

Daavas: Agreed, over and out. (He turns off his communicator.) Well Akola old friend, we survived another mess.

Akola: Yes, but was it really worth it?

Daavas: I'll let the future be the judge of that.

(Meanwhile on the Dilapidated Hut, an exhausted Seraph enters the cockpit.)

Seraph: Well Attor's condition been improved, I finally have my hand under control, and for all I know were flying blind. (She drops down into a chair and slumps.)

Stan: So all things considered things are going well.

Seraph: (Her voice is hoarse.) What is the point of all this? We're risking our lives just to keep the son of tyrant from dieing, and yet he has done nothing in the past to justify what we are doing for him.

Stan: (Sighs.) Orders are orders Tano, I don't like them either but we have to do what were asked of us.

Seraph: But he has done wrong to Di-In as well, the pirates are forcing us to sacrifices lives for no logical reason, why not simply take his space by force? They have the man power to achieve such a feat.

Stan: That's a maybe, but you do have a point. You know what I think?

Seraph: No but indulge me.

Stan: I think there leader… is really cheap!

Seraph: No duh even that idiot Homer could have figured that one out, and believe you me he's a grade A-omega class nitwit, I still find it hard to believe that the two of you are the same species.

Stan: It is somewhat embarrassing, especially if you consider the fact that he crippled the Sinbad back on Htet.

Seraph: (She chuckles a bit.) True, Stan I think there's something I should have told you.

Stan: Yes?

Seraph: You see, back on the Sinbad, after the incident with Dos and Polarick, Daavas offered to consol me about you yelling at me and, well one thing led to another and, (Rather meekly.) he had mints.

Stan: What?

Seraph: Yes I know it was forbidden, especially at such a young age, but he just plopped that little white thing down my throat and we made out for… actually it wasn't that much time but the point is, and I just recently learned this from the ships medic AI while treating Attor, that I'm going into Ko'trun-Ackara.

Stan: Seriously what did you just say? I was distracted by the Q-space radiation.

Seraph: (Annoyed sigh.) Oh never mind, look I'll go and make sure my hand doesn't start doing anything embarrassing, or worse accidentally break something. (She leaves the cockpit mumbling frustrated under her breath.) I shouldn't be surprised at a human not paying attention; it's probably for the best anyway.

Stan: (Sighs.) She'll grow out of it. (There's a beeping on the command console.) Hello what's this? (He presses a button and a hologram of Rhea appears.)

Rhea: Hello Stan.

Stan: Oh snuggle puss, wait it this a recording or something?

Rhea: No it's a live transmission.

Stan: Oh, so where are you?

Rhea: I am on Pazack and I have just arrested Otiv's uncle Vtoi for organizing the kidnapping of Attor.

Stan: You mean this whole thing was his idea?

Rhea: No not really, in fact the pirates were the sole architects of his kidnapping, so long as you don't count out Armss'rij part in this.

Stan: Who-da-whada-wahwah?

Rhea: Yes this whole sheared has been just a plot to thin out the pirate forces. I have to be honest it worked to an extent but from what I heard from the Fellowships casualty reports they nearly lost the Fleet of Infinite Vigilance over Htet.

Stan: Honey not that I like the sound of your voice or anything but, was there a another reason entirely for you calling me?

Rhea: Hm? Oh right I managed to come across some important intel about the pirates.

Stan: Like what?

Rhea: Force deployment, weapons research, credit funneling, research funneling, smuggling operations, detailed biographies of the enemy leaders… even there primary base of operations.

Stan: Sweaty you've done it again! Wait why don't you just give that intel to Zeus?

Rhea: I would but he's a bit absentminded so it probably wouldn't be put to use until it would be to late. So I'm transferring the information to you to relay it to Fellowship space.

Stan: Why them? Why not the Federation?

Rhea: There not very good at keeping secrets, especially my sister.

Stan: Good point; I still remember her last state of union address.

Rhea: You saw that!

Stan: Who didn't? It's all over the Q-net.

Rhea: Never the less, I'm transferring the files now.

Stan: Why not simply transfer the files to Telchine?

Rhea: I would but the long range communicators were accidentally damaged when Vtoi was arrested so the transfer can only occur successfully when the receiver is in Q-space.

Stan: Fair enough.

Rhea: Good, the files have been fully transferred into your ships communication systems. Where did you get that flying wreck anyway?

Stan: I found it on a landing platform on planet Htet.

Rhea: (Sighs.) You always did have an odd taste in ships, goodbye my love. (Her hologram disappears.)

Stan: (Sighs.) I love that women, (He presses a button on his console.) Attention passengers were now approaching Vay'adour, home to roving bands of marauders, scavengers, and crime lord Otiv "The Toad" Enoelroc.

(Fifteen minutes earlier, Lith'mar is contacting Mr. Burns.)

Mr. Burns: Yes who is this?

Lith'mar: This is Lith'mar, I am stranded on this rock, I need a rescue ship to pick me up. (A Njord comes out of nowhere and nearly strikes her with an ax.) On second thought skip the rescue ship; just send a squadron of Corsair fighters to Vay'adour to hunt down the filth that stole Attor from us!

Mr. Burns: What? What are you babbling about?

Lith'mar: (She is almost hit again by the Njords ax but she cuts off his arm and it roars in pain and falls over unconsciousness.) Never mind I'll contact Bob about this. (She turns redirects her communication to Bob is still on Vay'adour.) Bob are you there!

Bob: Ah lord Otiv, my assassin has contacted me with news of your son. So what news do you have to report?

Lith'mar: I have failed to retrieve him, the Templar's killed him.

(Otiv's entire court gasps in shock.)

Bob: Really? Where are they now?

Lith'mar: They are on route to kill Otiv, I recommend sending a squadron of our elite Corsair fighters.

Bob: Very well, the fighters are already on route to shot the Templar's ship down.

Lith'mar: That is excellent my lord, I will return to Tortuga when I can.

Bob: I will send a ship to pick you up.

Lith'mar: That will not be necessary, (The Njord regains consciousness and advances to Lith'mar.) I will find my own way back. (She turns off her communicator, then she purposely allows the Njord to severe her head with the Njord's ax.)

Bob: Hmm, call must have dropped. Anyway, if the crew survives I'll take care of any survivors.

Otiv: (Translation.) But what if the Templar's get past your guard?

Bob: Well… (A pair of Magna-guard droids appears behind him.) Few things escape my attention to detail.

(Fifteen minutes later the Dilapidated Hut is sudden attacked by a trio of Corsair fighters.)

Stan: Attention, we are under attack by pirate fighters! All hands to battle stations! (Seraph enters the cockpit.) What are you doing up here?

Seraph: This is my battle station isn't it?

Stan: (Groans.) If we survive this I'm getting the battle stations figured out, (There's an explosion, he presses a button.) engineering, status report.

Homer: No YOU give ME a status report. (Grunchy punches him in the face.)

Grunchy: Idiot, anyway the pirates have shot out our Q-space drive engine and, (There's another explosion.) damn it! Those hounds just shot out our engines!

Stan: What! Can't we fight back?

Seraph: We might have, but this is a freighter there designed to haul cargo around the galaxy not to attack other ships. Besides there locked down so they wouldn't be of use anyway.

Stan: This is really not my day. All crew members secure yourselves down, (The ships is entering the planet's atmosphere on fire.) were going in hard!

(Meanwhile, at the headquarters of, Inquisitors Weapons Manufacturing Intelligence and Armored Forces, or the IWMIaAF. Which in fact is just a clever ruse for the Inquisition; anyway Tyrana is entering some sort of laboratory with Nian still in her tube.)

Tyrana: Welcome to your new home my dear.

Nian: What is going on? Why did you bring me here? What has happened since I was last myself?

Tyrana: You mean you have no memory of what you have done for the last thousand years?

Nian: Not really, it's fuzzy at best, just screaming, and freezing cold, (She shivers a little.) It feels like I spent my whole life living in ice.

Tyrana: Really? Well enough about you, what do you know about me?

Nian: I know that you are Ormpha Tyrana, last of the clan Ormpha of the Fellowship of Andu, CEO of IWMIaAF, and personal assistant to Thel Andúril during the Fellowship-DAKA war.

Tyrana: Impressive, most do not know that I have been secretly plotting for the extinction of humanity since wars end.

Nian: What?

Tyrana: Let explain this in the simplest way I can think of. Humans killed my family, humans pillaged and sacked my homeworld, and humans brought a century of war, a war that should never have happened! Humans drove my people to the brink of extinction and burned entire system to glass! On top of that and this is the ultimate insult! We waste the sweet, and the blood of over a thousand worlds for their mother world and they don't even give us so much as a "Thank you for bringing us out of two thousand years of pointless barbarism caused by some giant glowing blue dome that appeared in the middle nowhere."

Nian: (She's stammering confused.) Wh-What? Why do this? Will it bring back what you lost?

Tyrana: No, but it will prevent the human filth from repeating what they did my people.

Nian: But there were alien races that fought with DAKA during the war, including my people! Why not kill us as well?

Tyrana: At first I thought that, but over time as I got to know your people I saw a strength that was, in my mind almost equal to my peoples might, in time I saw the same in the other DAKA races, the Urdnots, the Turoks, and the Tasadorians, as time grew and more alien races became known I came to admire bits and pieces of their cultures and civilizations, and I mourned each one of them that the Orion's torched for their own greedy and shortsighted purposes, and gave the survivors a home on this world.

Nian: Wait I almost forgot, what planet is?

Tyrana: You would not know its name, but I will tell either way, in Telkese this world was dubbed Micara'vjala-Udrvanka. But in the common tong, or "English" as the humans call, this world is named, Rapture.

Nian: Rapture, yes I am familiar with this word.

Tyrana: I am not surprised, among the few pious members of their race, it is considered the time which the true of faith and virtue, Iam would take them home to Paradise and reward the weary for there long years of duty and service, and those who would left behind would forever writhe in their own squallier and filth even until time itself died. Not unlike my peoples own prophesies of the end times, in fact it's the only book written by human hands that I've particularly found moving apart from the Lord of the Rings. Wait I'm drifting from my point.

Nian: Get on with it, incidentally what kind of planet is this?

Tyrana: It's all oceans, 0% percent land that is above the water, and we are close to a thousand feet below the waves.

Nian: What! That's impossible there's nothing that could withstand the water pressure!

Tyrana: You would think so, but it turns out Seraphim Mithril is more durable then we once believed. Would you believe that the walls are only a half-inch thick?

Nian: (Nervously gulps.) No.

Tyrana: Then embrace the cold grasp of the sea along with me! (He snarls loudly and punches the wall, nothing happens.) See? The sea cannot enter no matter what force is put against it.

Nian: Yes, yes that is impressive, but why underwater?

Tyrana: I intended to make refuge for the exiles of humanities reckless exploitation of the cosmos. An enclave were the weary of war may not mourn alone, but so that their grief may be shouldered with those who carry the torment of forced exile.

Nian: I must say, from I have heard from you so far your goals seem noble. But for all I know the means you have gone to achieve them to not justify what you are doing. For all I know it was you that ordered me to deliver TYTHON to Earth.

Tyrana: Actually yes it was me, the incident on Katorga was honestly unforeseen. But it did forward my plans in at least one way.

Nian: What kind of "way"?

(There is a humming noise.)

Tyrana: That should be your answer now, either that or some off-world Reeksa managed to figure out my personal phone number again. (He answers and the Blue-haired lawyer from the Simpson's is on the other end.) Not again! Look who is this and what is it about?

Blue-haired lawyer: I am representing the law firm of Hugadunga, Bruce, John, and Katar for your illegal.

Tyrana: Look talk to my own personal lawyer about it I don't have time to talk about what legal infractions I made I'm waiting for a very important call and I don't need shiznos wasting my time. (He cuts him off, there is another humming noise.) This had better be her.

Nian: Her?

Tyrana: Yes her, you see shortly after your clan was exiled from Shilroth the Usurp clan took over in place of the Ashla clan's leadership.

Nian: WHAT!

Tyrana: Yes they were the ones who decided to isolate the Twi'grutan's from the rest of the galaxy, but more specifically I encouraged them telling them that the Orion's delivered the virus on purpose to gain mineral rights without having to go through endless debate. (He answers, on the other end there is a Twi'gruta wearing highly ornate robes and jewels, aged eighteen.) Greetings Empress Thicara Usurp, I am sorry if I have kept you waiting.

Thicara: You may dispense with the pleasantries at another time Tyrana, now then I have been meaning to talk to about this for some time.

Tyrana: This has something to do with Admiral Juranas I presume?

Thicara: Yes he's been whining since he inadvertently drove the Thrail out of the galaxy about being bored. I think he is trying to stage a coup.

Tyrana: Perhaps he is, perhaps he isn't, what makes you believe this?

Thicara: Well for starters my food tasters have been dying off due to food poisoning. So I haven't eaten for almost a month now.

Tyrana: Ah yes, I thought you looked skinnier. I will get someone to investigate into that, until then you may have to eat only the foods that I regularly smuggle into your space.

Thicara: You can't be serious I just feed that trash to the peasantry.

Tyrana: Do you not value your life?

Thicara: Yes but, (Sighs.) I understand, besides it might not be TO bad to eat granola bars and that disgusting tomato juice for a while. (She notices Nian.) Who is that?

Tyrana: Ah yes, Thicara Usurp. Meet Nian Ashla, or better known by her codename for the past thousand years ECIDNA, the unsung architect of the Twi'grutan Imperium.

Nian: I would say it was a pleasure to meet you, but I have heard enough lies for one lifetime.

Thicara: So you have found the traitor, and you removed the taint from it I see.

Tyrana: I carry no proper credit for extracting TYPHON from her systems, you can meet her in person another time, goodbye. (He ends the transmission.)

Nian: Why put the galaxy through so much suffering? Why didn't you at least end the humans sooner!

Tyrana: (Sighs.) I take no pride in the deceit I have sown since the days when Minas Andu ruled the Fellowship. But please I want you to meet a friend of mine. (He presses a button.) Junaca send in Dr. Husk.

Junaca: Right away sir.

(A Quetzal that bears a strong resemblance to Drath Sion from "Star Wars: Knights of the old Republic II: The Sith Lords enters the room.)

Tyrana: Nian I would like you to meet my old friend and colleague Jun Epherna, AKA Dr. Husk.

Nian: I take it he got his nickname from his, complication.

Dr. Husk: (He has a deep almost demonic resonance to his voice.) Yes, thirty years ago I experimented with the sea slugs native to this world, it worked for the most part, but the consequences were heavy, they gave me, at best a crude manifestation of the Essence, but the price on my body has been severe.

Tyrana: I told you it was a bad idea to use yourself as a guinea pig, "Use the human prisoners" I said. "Be careful with that scalpel or you will put you eye out" I said.

Dr. Husk: Please don't remind me.

Nian: (She clears her throat.) Gentlemen, was there a reason you brought him here?

Tyrana: Ah yes. Have you got the acolyte slugs?

Dr. Husk: (He pulls out a jar of slugs.) Aye my lord.

Nian: WHAT! You going to turn me into, (She stammers while pointing at Husk.) THAT THING!

Dr. Husk: No, after taking Tyrana's wisdom I have perfected these slugs so that there secretions can be modified at either my will or Tyrana's alone, in this case we both decided that these little runts will turn you into a near mindless slave to Tyrana's will.

Nian: (She stammers a bit.) They will not be necessary. I may not agree with what you are doing down here but I will follow your orders whatever they may be without second thought or regrets.

Tyrana: (He purrs a little.) Silent begging, that's what I've liked about your kind, you never grovel for you lives. Just make deals were you can.

Nian: Was that a yes or a no? (Tyrana ejects her from her tube and place her on an operating table, several plasma restraints emanate around her wrists, ankles, torso, neck and mouth.)

Tyrana: I do find your offer acceptable. But you can never be too careful (He injects her with an anesthetic into her jugular vein and she falls limp.) Now is she still conscious?

Dr. Husk: She should be, if she is then she can still hear us.

Tyrana: Good then, let's get to work.

Dr. Husk: By your word Tyrana, now where is my good plasma scalpel?

Tyrana: To the abyss with those small things, (He pulls out a red light blade.) I've got something better!

Dr. Husk: Look it was funny with the human subjects but this is serious.

Tyrana: Sorry, (He sheaths his light blade.) I got caught up from my found memories from experimenting on the DAKA races back in the war.

Dr. Husk: What did these involve? I know I'm going to regret asking that.

Tyrana: Well… let's just say that that not all of Andúril's experiments backfired on their own.

Dr. Husk: Really?

Tyrana: Yes, I took most of them into my own hands to make them more aggressive or the like, most of them turned out they were just as a threat as DAKA. The only two I can say worked thanks to my tampering were Thrail and Machina.

(Meanwhile, on Vay'adour, at the wreckage of the Dilapidated Hut.)

Stan: Okay, I want a head count. Did everyone survive?

Seraph: (She enters the cockpit.) I just finished a head count, Homer has a mouthful of sand, Grunchy ears are ringing from the crash-landing, Tyler said that his systems are green across the board, Solemn Oath has some sand stuck in his eye but it isn't that serious, and Attor has been complaining that his skin is dry from the suns.

Stan: So everyone is alright?

Seraph: Yes, except maybe me.

Stan: What do you mean by that?

Seraph: Well for starters I blacking out for a few seconds during the crash and when I come to I was flat on my face, two pieces of furniture were smashed and there was a big dent in the wall, as though I was struggling to walk properly.

Stan: Well those glyphs are extending up to your shoulder. Maybe you should take some more sedatives just to be safe.

Seraph: Agreed.

(They both leave the cockpit and enter the cargo bay.)

Stan: Is everything ready?

(Homer almost speaks but Tyler interrupts him.)

Tyler: Let me answer his question Private, well sir we found enough arms and ammunition down here to last through a small war.

Stan: That should be sufficed to defend the ship while we go to Otiv's palace.

Homer: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Why do we have to defend the ship? And on top of that, from who or what?

Seraph: Can I field this one? (Stan nods in approval.) Thank you, you see Homer this planet is inhabited, for the most part scavengers who will try to attack you.

Homer: Big whoop, this ship is just a wreck what good would protect this thing do?

Stan: (He pulls out a computer chip.) This is why.

Homer: So, we have to risk our lives, for a chip? Is it at least deep fried?

Stan: No Homer, while we were in Q-space a, friend of mine sent me top secret intelligence about the pirates. Unfortunately our communications systems were damaged when we were shot down so you three have to stay behind to repair it so that we can transmit the information to Narsil.

Homer: But I thought we were with the Federal Republic Confederate Fellowship thingy.

Stan: (Groans.) Look you twit, you three are with the Federation Orion, WE are with the Confederacy of Koprulu, the Republic of Amidala, and the Fellowship of Andu.

Homer: No fair you got more than me!

Seraph: Oh just stay here, shut up, stop your infernal complaining and keep the ship safe while were gone, and get the fracking communication systems repaired and get the Intel to Narsil.

Stan: Where did you learn that word young lady?

Seraph: Frustration breeds vulgarity, that and I was on Earth for almost two months so I learned some new words.

Stan: Fair enough, just don't use that word when I'm around.

(Grunchy gives Stan the knapsack with Attor in it.)

Grunchy: Now if he starts whining about his skin condition just give him this (He gives him a bottle of skin lotion.) every half hour.

Stan: Thanks, now remember, the three of you stay here, we'll be going to Otiv's palace to return his son to him. (He, Seraph and Solemn Oath exit the ship into the blazing suns of Vay'adour.) One more thing, try not to get killed.

Tyler: Will do General. (Stan, Seraph, and Solemn Oath leave.) All right you two, search the cargo hold for anything that can be used to repair the communication systems. I'm going to set up a perimeter.

Grunchy: Yes sir!

Homer: (He notices a crate labeled, "Experimental Federation of Orion Weapons Surplus.") Hold it I think I found something.

Tyler: This does look interesting, (He gets a crowbar and whacks the crate, after nine hits it opens and several Plasma Rifles from the video game "Jurassic: The Hunted" fall out.) I was wondering what happened to these!

Homer: What are you talking about?

Tyler: (He takes a deep breath.) Old man, these are experimental OFMC Class-478311-DOOM rifles, aka DOOM STICKS! Automatic recharging plasma ammunition, 150 meter scope, and fine chrome finish on the compartment that holds the battery.

Homer: So… what is it?

Tyler: A woefully inaccurate but powerful sniper rifle. You see shortly before the, series of events that lead to my being demoted to Lieutenant I was put in charge of a top secret military project by Grand Admiral Oth himself to bring the then small Orion navy into the 51st century by developing handheld plasma weapons.

Homer: (Sarcastically.) Uh yeah but, it seems to me that nearly everyone already has those kinds of weapons.

Tyler: (Mockingly.) Uh yeah but, if I remember correctly we were being over charged for buying weapons from THEM at astronomical prices. So to keep from have to behold to the Fellowship and the like for arms so we decided to make our own. Unfortunately we only made, at best thirty prototypes by the time of the, incident that got me demoted, so it was largely scraped, how they got into the hands of these pirate dogs I don't know and I don't want to know.

Homer: Fair enough… can we look at the intelligence?

Tyler: Despite my better judgment I'll allow it. (He inserts the computer chip into a terminal, several holograms pop out showing almost random information.) He wasn't kidding! This thing has every piece of, no wait this is mostly technical data, star maps, and biographies of senior WOK personal.

Homer: Oh! Can I look at the biographies?

Grunchy: Why would you want to you can't even read?

Homer: Look I might have to be in this chicken outfit for a long time, so I might as well know who I'm going to teach our young people who to hate with a white hot rage without any real knowledge.

Tyler: Meh, you're interested in this then me, so go right ahead.

Homer: All right then. (He whistles while pressing buttons randomly, he then finds Mr. Burns biography complete with up-to-date photos of him, he then screams in horror.)

Tyler: Private what are you screaming about?

Homer: I just discovered something weird and disturbing!

Grunchy: Please tell me it has nothing to do with your last job.

Homer: Unfortunately… yes, (He show them Burn's bio.) my ex-boss is still alive!

Grunchy: Let me see that, (He peer onto it and reads it in detail.) no kidding he's right, this is the guy he used to work for, on top of that there's something here about him being an intern for Abraham Lincoln, and on the night that he was assassinated he accepted a bribe from John Booth to be let into the presidential box, and then founded an atom mill which slowly evolved into a nuclear power plant and somehow kept him alive through the long decades.

Homer: That's not important now! Look the point is some giant mutant Telkine ate him, (He starts to sound terrified.) he's back from the dead, and he has an army of psychotic cutthroats running amok across the galaxy! (He starts to run around screaming and panicking till Tyler hits him over the head with a DOOM stick.)

Tyler: You know that is starting to get annoying, now you said he was eaten by a mutant Telkine?

Homer: Yeah giant red thing, thirteen eye, four arms, a scorpion tail, and a massive frill around his neck. That was without a doubt the ugliest thing I had ever seen.

Tyler: You can't be serious Oth ate that old prune! (Homer nods.) What was he thinking? (He looks through and comes across Bob's profiles.) Homer does this guy look familiar?

Homer: Kind of, I think he worked on a private case to save my life once, and tried to kill my son some, maybe forty times.

Tyler: Really?

Homer: Well just eleven or maybe twelve if you just count when he was ten years old.

Tyler: Okay then, wait according to this he's Essence sensitive.

Homer: But that's not possible! I mean I just heard of this Essence thing a few days ago he couldn't have gotten it just now!

Grunchy: Yeah! That and he's an Earth-born how is it possible for an Earth-born to have even a mediocre connection to the Essence?

Tyler: I suspect artificial means, it even says here that he was injected with some kind of serum that rewrote his genetic code so that he could use it, worse yet according to this he was trained how to use it by that 'Vadam banshee that killed Zolp back on Htet, and a certain degree of sword fighting.

Homer: Anything else we should know Mr. Know-it-all?

Tyler: Yes actually, he's on this planet right now and. (There is a siren blaring.) GWAH! We spent so much time babbling over the intel that we never got around to transmitting it! Now were under attack by scavengers! Grunchy how fast can you repair the communication?

Grunchy: (He scrambles into an air duct with a hydro-spanner and what looks like a banana under his arm.) Way ahead of you!

Homer: What's the banana for?

Grunchy: I might get hungry!

(Homer and Tyler exit the ship to find a horde of Turoks charging towards the ship.)

Homer: (He screams.) Raptors! Plus they have guns and some kind of metal stick!

Tyler: Damn it Turoks! Get onto that turret and whatever you do don't try to tear it off the stand.

Homer: Why because it only has unlimited ammo when it's stationary?

Tyler: That and it's because the stand can easily be folded up, but I wouldn't recommend it anyway due to the instability of the sand.

Homer: Oh, (He gets onto the turret and starts to fire like mad.) EAT HOT PLASMA YOU MUTANT TURKEYS!

(Meanwhile in Rapture, Tyrana and Husk are goofing around with operating on Nian.)

Tyrana: (Close to phony acting.) Dearest me Dr. Husk you lost your left eye again! It fell into Nians open chest that we are operating on!

Dr. Husk: (Imitating Tyranas bad acting.) Do not bother Kovar'cha Tyrana; let us just leave it there, for this is as far as I can count that is the ninth time it has fallen out! It seems as though everything on me is falling apart!

Tyrana: A pity that is… (He mutters under his breath.) How much longer till she is no longer limp?

Dr. Husk: About a minute, maybe forty-five seconds Kovar'cha.

Tyrana: Well, with that in mind. Can you hand me a plasma warhead?

Dr. Husk: (He shrugs his shoulders.) If you insist.

(Nian then wakes up screaming.)

Tyrana: On second thought forget about the warhead.

Nian: What in the Seraphim's name have you been doing!

Tyrana: Well you see we finished putting the acolyte slug into your rear head tail over a half hour ago.

Nian: Then what were you doing the entire time?

Tyrana: Goofing around until you came to, speaking of which were you aware of what we were doing?

Nian: YES! Now would you please get that walking corpses eye out of my chest cavity!

Tyrana: You no there's a funny thing about that. (He goes over to a button on the wall.) The funny thing is (He punches down on the button.) THIS!

(Loud sirens go off.)

Voice on the intercom: Attention citizens, Raptures self-destruct system has been initiated, please enter your nearest escape bathysphere sectors for immediate departure off the planet, we apologize for any inconveniences.

Tyrana: TURVACK! I pressed the wrong frelling button again! (He runs off into another room.)

Nian: What did he just do?

Dr. Husk: He accidentally activated Raptures self-destruct, again.

Nian: You mean this isn't the first time?

Dr. Husk: Oh believe me bloodskin this isn't the first time he accidentally did that, from what I heard he was quiet accident prone with that thing in-between the 45th and 50th centuries. For some reason maintenance keeps changing which button in this building activates it every few months. If you ask me it's out of revenge for the minute wages they are paid.

(The sirens stop.)

Voice on the intercom: Attention citizens, Raptures self-destruct have been deactivated for your convenience, please return to your previous activates, we are sorry for any inconveniences.

Tyrana: (He returns to the room.) Why I never hired those blasted Machina technicians I'll never know. (He presses a button on his wrist.) Purgatory! Which button deactivates the gag operating table? (There is inaudible mumbling.) Are you sure it's the purple button? Cause last time it was the purple button that activated the self-destruct. (There is inaudible mumbling.) It had better be, our I will throw you and every Machina copy I was stupid enough to let down here out the air-lock and watch in psychotic glee as they drown! (There is inaudible mumbling.) Yes I know that a good portion of them are Centurians and they don't have lungs anyway, look I will complain to Kaos about this the next time I see him! (He presses the purple button, the hologram of Nians operated body disappears.) Finally things seem to be working down here.

Nian: What was the point of everything I just heard?

Tyrana: Scala sviv'caar, diddarpa dry-ay. Plus we never actually did any surgery.

Nian: What?

Dr. Husk: It was actually quite simple all we did was place the slug into your mouth and it slithered up into your brain cavity, (He pets Nians rear head tail.) and from the feel of this it's snug as a bug in there.

Nian: (Panicked.) Wa-Wait, this is isn't like a Symbiont worm were it slowly drives me insane then turns me into a mindless slave and takes over my body!Dr. Husk: No it's

Nian: Or is it anything like the Bugalorian mites that go up into your nose and then take over your mind and have you rove around hacking and infecting everyone that can be found with more of the little runts until-.

(Tyrana slams places his foot on Nians head, and she tries to scream.)

Tyrana:** WOULD YOU KINDLY CALM DOWN!** (Nian calms down and he removes his foot from her head.) No, nothing like that, you simply obey anything so long as I use the phrase **would you kindly** in the sentence.

Nian: (Sighs.) Why even bother to let me live?

Tyrana: Your no good to me dead bloodskin, but then again you would be too dangerous to be kept alive. Let me put it to you in another way, about two hundred years ago you, or technically as it seems ECIDNA killed my personal assassin.

Nian: Really?

Tyrana: Yes, he was a Turok by the name of Riaalt, he was such a cunning warrior to, anyway for reasons I have still been trying to figure out ECIDNA consumed him and in accordance with IWMIaAF protocols. "If any member of the Inquisitors Weapons Manufacturing Intelligence and Armored Forces senior personal is killed during the regular course of their day to day duties, there killer shall be hunted down, and forcefully indentured and/or re-educated to take his/her predecessors previous duties. Unless the guilty party is of the species Homo sapiens in which case the consequences are null and void, for the most part." That monster sold you into my services in advanced of two centuries and your way overdue.

Nian: So I'm your personal hit man is that it?

Tyrana: Technically you're a hit women, but the point is the same. My wish is your command, (He presses another button and her plasma restraints evaporate.) and before you do anything rash remember the fraise, would you kindly walk over there? (She walks over to that spot.) Now would you kindly roll over and bark? (Nian rolls over and barks.) Would you kindly speak?

Nian: I hate you.

Tyrana: Honesty, nice touch.

Nian: I have one more question for you, why did you purchase all of those other projects from Waldo back on Earth?

Tyrana: Believe me my dear, it would be too long a tale for me to regale. To put it bluntly, the Fellowship doesn't trust any of my stature even their own people with government secrets like the ones I made with my mentor during the war, so I managed to con Waldo into making a surprise trip to Katarn II to "procure" samples of them from the research facility on planet, then as you might remember I got all of them from him for a cookie. As for why I wanted them altogether, it's simply insurance in case my plans outlive me.

Nian: (Smugly.) What makes you say that?

Tyrana: My schemes outlived Andu, I won't leave my chances to whatever Twilight I might end baring. Now would you kindly go to your quarters and get into the suit of armor in the closet, then get into the cryo chamber and don't leave it until I call you out. (Nian does just that.)

Dr. Husk: So, what will her first assignment be, Just asking?

Tyrana: I'll make it up as I go along.

Dr. Husk: Like you have for the past millennia and a half?

Tyrana: Precisely Kovar'cha. Plus how are we doing with our cure for the Bugalorian plague?

Dr. Husk: 100% complete, just a dumb question why are we making this anyway?

Tyrana: If the genetic conditionings are right we should be able to turn anyone who takes it into an unwilling slave to my will.

(Meanwhile on Vay'adour, Stan, Seraph, Solemn Oath are trekking through the arid desert.)

Attor: (Translation.) Are we there yet? Why didn't we just land at my house? I'm hot, my mouth is dry, my skin is dry, and I'm all sweaty and stinky.

Stan: Don't remind me, (He gets a call from Grunchy.) finally something to break the monotony.

(He pulls out his communicator and Grunchies hologram appears.)

Grunchy: General, I have fixed the communication systems.

Stan: Have you managed to send the intel to The Fellowship?

Grunchy: Yes, it should be in the hands of the Fellowship Bureau of Intelligence within the hour.

Stan: Excellent.

Grunchy: Another thing sit, we went through some of the intelligence and, the head of the pirates military is on this planet waiting for you, and to take the life of that little whelp Attor.

Stan: Well then, we might have to kill him.

Grunchy: You don't understand, this guy is an Essence sensitive Earth-born!

Stan: That can't be true, that's impossible!

Grunchy: Impossible or not he is on this planet and he will try to kill you if given the chance, now if you'll excuse me I have to send a distress signal to the nearest Republic outpost before the ship is overrun by Turok scavengers. (Grunchy hangs up.)

Stan: Dadabans, no sense in those methane breathing munchkins.

Seraph: That may but I sense this, weird disturbance in the Essence.

Stan: Your right, I sense it to. Let's get going.

Seraph: What? Master we can face this guy together!

Stan: No Tano, not this time, you have to get Attor to Otiv.

Seraph: But he might try to kill me!

Stan: You doubt your own abilities?

Seraph: No, I just have no intention of being made into a turban or something. (She sighs in defeat.) But I will go with smelly either way, despite the fact that I hate him.

Attor: (Translation.) HEY! What did I ever do to you?

Seraph: (Stan gives her the knapsack Attor is in.) Plenty you piece of snot.

Stan: Good, Solemn you go with her, Otiv's front door might be locked.

Attor: (Translation.) Why would father lock the door? Doesn't he want me?

Seraph: I've heard your singing, but that is not a good enough reason for keeping you out.

(Seraph continues to go to Otiv's palace, Stan goes in another direction with, wait were did he get that other knapsack? Is it full of rocks?)

Stan: Precisely, wait who are you?

Darth Sith'ari: Just shut up and walk, (Stan continues walking.) Lukus Templar walking!


	27. Chapter 27

The Simpson's in Space: Episode 0: Part 27

(Latter that night Stan is walking through the desert with his knapsack full of rocks, which I still don't know how he got. Suddenly Bob arrives on a speeder bike, he dismounts but his foot get's caught in the engine.)

Stan: Grand Admiral Sideshow Bob I assume?

Bob: Yes, (He pulls his foot out of the engine.) you must be this Stan Tartarus I have

heard so much about.

Stan: Yes, what you came all this way for an autograph? I'm touched.

Bob: No I've come all this way to (He ignites a red light blade.) kill you!

Stan: Finally an honest stalker. (He ignites his light blade and they begin to dual.)

(Meanwhile at the wreckage of the Dilapidated Hut, Homer is calling home.)

Homer: Homer to Marge, Homer to Marge are you there?

(Her hologram appears.)

Marge: Homer I'm so happy to see you! Are you alright?

Homer: Yeah apart from spending the last three or four hours defending a downed

freighter from a horde of dinosaurs trying to strip down our ship for parts and the like.

Marge: That sounds terrible! Where's Seraph?

Homer: Well she and her master went off with Otiv's son to return him to him.

Marge: Why? From what Sheila told me this guy is evil.

Homer: Yeah but you know how it is with the government, they like to dabble with the

criminal underworld more often then most people would like to. Plus he offered

something about using his trade routes and whatnot.

Marge: Homer you have to go after her she could get killed!

Homer: I would but my commanding officer said that we shouldn't leave until after the

Amidalans came to relieve us, and the scavengers still won't leave us alone! (Tyler comes

up behind him.) I mean if I had known that I would have to do this sort of stuff I wouldn't

have lied to the guy at the cloning lab, or for that mater make fun of the vice-president.

Marge: AHH! Homer there's a big scary guy in a helmet behind you!

Homer: (He lets out an annoyed groan.) Lieutenant Tyler do you have to sneak behind

me?

Tyler: Not really, but must YOU play lose with communication protocols?

Homer: What are you talking about?

Tyler: Your using a military channel to make a personal call! On top of that who is that?

Homer: That's my wife.

Tyler: Oh, hello Misses Simpson, (Under his breath.) and I thought YOU looked terrible.

(He cringes.) I am sorry miss but when we get back to Earth we will have to court-martial

your husband and then discharge him.

Marge: Oh no you can't do that.

Tyler: No really I can set him up with Grand Admiral Oth right now and have him

shipped back in a garbage scow, just because I don't like him the slightest.

Marge: No you don't understand, he has to keep an eye on our adopted daughter Seraph.

Tyler: (Doubtfully.) Of course you are, (He slams Homer against the wall and puts a knife

to his throat.) is there a splinter faction in the Federation? Is she your contact? What does

Commander Ashla have to do with anything? Did you kill off Epsilon squad on Htet on

purpose and plan to cripple the Sinbad?

Homer: I don't know, no, it's complicated, no and no!

Tyler: Do I look that stupid?

Marge: Wait! What makes you think that were part of some splinter faction?

Tyler: Cause after the horrible day I've had I'd accuse my own mother of being a traitor of the Federation. (He withdraws his knife.) But since the two of you seem to stupid to even try that sort of thing I'll ask you this one question, how do you know Commander Seraph

Ashla?

Marge: Well you see it all happened last month shortly after we arrived in the future

Homer went out with our daughter Lisa to get a new computer, they then spent the two

hours trying to figure out how to turn it on.

Tyler: Look I don't know how much time we have until more Turoks come and I don't mean to be impolite but. GET TO THE POINT!

Marge: Alright, alright well shortly after our AI was fully programmed she began to complain about overheating, although she hasn't complained about it for some time

Sheila: Seraph modified my QDATm-47 with a cooling system shortly after she moved in. Sorry to bud in like this.

Marge: Well anyway, well Homer begged to visit just one website for the day and we came across a website called , we came across Seraph's profile and adopted her off the spot.

Homer: Wait weren't you against the idea of having an alien in the house?

Marge: Yes, but I got used to the idea after meeting Aon, anyway she was quite helpful around the house. For the first time since I had Bart I could finally relax and enjoy myself, that was until somehow some sort of alien snake got into the house and bit Lisa her, then Seraph amputated her arm to try to keep the poison from spreading but that backfired horribly, so we had to go to Telchine to find an affordable cure.

Homer: She spent almost two hours talking to some guy at the Telkine Board of Tourism just to get the tickets.

Marge: Yes well it was a lovely vacation, except for the fact that Lisa lost her eye while trying to take the medicine.

Tyler: Not to be rude or anything but, could you please GET TO THE FRELLING POINT!

Marge: Well I never. Anyway after school started she was just so frustrated with her classmates that she went so far as to kill one of them in cold blood… over forty times, I kept trying to cheer her up but she wouldn't have any of it. Then on Friday she gave me and Homer a permission slip to which she claimed was for a surprise two day field trip to Katarn II, then went to some planet called Mimban IV and joined some kind of academy that she apparently resided at shortly after being liberated from the Thrail Collective. Have you heard of it? The Lukus Order? Well anyway after Bart and Lisa got home, they went with her by the way, they told me about Seraph's deception I called her right away and guess what? She had the gal to say that I'm not her mother! Can you believe that!

Tyler: Uh huh, so you goaded your husband to join the military in the hopes that you can keep tabs on her?

Marge: Yes, by the way can you get me into contact with her? I keep trying to get her but there's some sort of disruption.

Tyler: Yeah, I would help but, I doubt she's in the mood to talk to anyone, besides if I know Lukus members she's probably climbing up some cliff face… (Homer and Marge look at him doubtfully.) it's just a hunch.

(Meanwhile else were on the planet, Seraph is climbing up a sheer cliff face with Attor squirming and Solemn Oath humming for no apparent reason.)

Seraph: Oath would you please stop humming? It's getting on my nerves, and will you please keep that slab of mold quiet!

Attor: (Translation.) Well sorry! It's not my fault I'm afraid of heights! It's all my fathers fault, he dangled me over a balcony just to impress the paparazzi! Look why aren't we going up the ramp? That would be easier.

Solemn Oath: It's quiet simple really, your father had a mine field installed that goes all the way up, do you really want to get accidentally blown up?

Attor: (Translation.) Uh… good point.

Seraph: Nice one, (Oath continues to hum.) will you stop that infernal humming! It's driving me crazy!

Solemn Oath: Sorry, it's just such a catchy tune. You know Stan used to like that rune.

Seraph: Well I'm not Stan, (She finally climbs to the very top with Otiv's palace in view.)

thought we'd never get here, (She climbs over the edge then walks towards the palace

only to be intercepted by a trio of pirate guards.) oh you've got to be kidding me. (She

draws her light blade.)

Attor: (Translation.) What's happing back there? I hear odd humming noise and It's not

the Array droid.

Solemn Oath: No I believe those are Brigadier-925 BG droids, and they have staffs!

Attor: (Translation.) Perfect!

(Meanwhile elsewhere on the planet, Bob and Stan are still dueling.)

Stan: I have to admit, (He block.) you've got skill, for a Novus.

Bob: I was taught by the best! (He uses the Essence to blast sand in his face, Stan falls

over and loses his grip on his light blade, Bob then attempt to land a killing blow but Stan

pulls his light blade back before Bob can do so.) Now about that tadpole?

Stan: Never! You'll never get him! (He regains his footing.)

Bob: Oh I think you will. (He uses the Essence to pull the knapsack full of rocks towards

him, then he slices it in half only to realize that it's full of rocks.) ROCKS!

Stan: Yes, rocks! As to were Attor really is I'm not going to tell you.

Bob: I won't have to, (He opens his communicator and there's a hologram of a Fodder droid on the other end.) status report.

Fodder droid: We have the bloodskin cornered, (The hologram then changes to Seraph fighting the Brigadier droids, but the odd part is that she is completely covered in the blue lines that started out from her arm and her eyes are completely dark blue.) but we have a problem.

Bob: (Groans.) What kind of problem?

Fodder droid: Take a look for your self, it's as though she were, possessed by something.

Bob: Just send in more Brigadiers.

Fodder droid: But we already sent almost one thousand.

Bob: You can't be serious, how could you waste that many elite droids so fast?

Fodder droid: She has skill, (Seraph's eyes return to normal, she then begins to fail in

fighting the Brigadier droids.) no wait it looks like she might die soon.

Bob: Good, goo-. (He notices that Stan is riding away on his speeder.) OH COME ON!

(He tries to run after him but, for some reason he steps on a rack and it hits him in the

face, he grumbles in frustration.) I won't even question how this got here.

(Meanwhile at Otiv's palace, Seraph fighting one last Brigadier droid, but she is starting

to tire out.)

Seraph: (She drives her light blade into the droid and then throws it off the cliff, she then

falls on her knees and breaths heavily.) I have got to stop thinking that things will be easy.

(Solemn Oath floats over the cliff shaking a little.) Oath, what happened? You destroyed

one droid and then you dive down the cliff.

Solemn Oath: I-I think you need to get yourself checked as soon as possible.

Seraph: (Her eyes turn back to blue and she has a scary computerized voice.) Your

medical advise is irrelevant to me, I will kill the Jabbaban tadpole in accordance with my

mission parameters. (Her eyes and voice revert to normal.) What just happened? No wait

don't answer that question I don't want to know, (Stan's stolen speeder zooms really,

REALLY fast and he parks in front of Otiv's palace, then he cuts a hole in the door and

runs strait in.) what the? (She limps towards the hole in the door.) Okay why am I limping

like this?

Attor: (Translation, he's shivering in fear.) Please don't kill me scary banshee. (He

whimpers a bit.)

Seraph: (Sighs.) Never mind.

(Meanwhile inside of Otiv's palace, Stan stumbles into Otiv's court and holds a light blade

to his neck.)

Stan: Were is my Novus?

Otiv: (Translation.) Were is my son you shizno poddo bag!

Stan: Don't try to butter yourself up with compliments.

San: Not to bud in but I don't think what your doing is such a good idea.

Stan: You stay out of this, this is between me and the Jabbaban. Now were the frack is

my Novus?

(Seraph and Solemn Oath enter the room with Attor.)

Seraph: (She's panting.) I'm right here, and I have your little Punky Cupcake.

Attor: (Translation.) What the? Were did you learn that name?

San: (He rubs his head nervously.) Well, I thought it would be important for the

Templar's to know.

Otiv: (Translation.) Well all that maters is that my son is safe and sound… execute them.

Stan: WHAT!

Otiv: (Translation.) Well for a start you scum kidnapped my son, plus you did hold your

weapon to my throat.

Attor: (Translation.) But they didn't kidnap me!

Otiv: (Translation.) Be quiet boy you have no idea what your talking about! Now then

guards!

(Several guards approach the two of them with weapons drawn, Stan and Seraph both

draw there weapons.)

Seraph: Can't believe I never imagined myself going down fighting.

Stan: I had a vague idea.

Otiv: (Translation.) Kill them before the Twi'gruta starts to lament!

(There is a buzzing noise coming from Solemn Oath.)

Solemn Oath: Can this wait? I have a transmission for you.

Otiv: (Translation.) Very well, put it through.

(A hologram of Rhea Orion appears.)

Rhea: Greetings Otiv, I am afraid to inform you that your uncle Vtoi has been conspiring

with the pirates to gain leadership of the Jabbaban clans.

Otiv: (Translation.) WHAT!

Rhea: Yes he gave Vay'adours security codes so they could enter and leave the planet

without interference.

Otiv: (Translation.) I don't believe you.

Rhea: Well then, here's Vtoi. (Vtoi waddles into view.) Go on, tell him the truth. (She

pats him on the back, and she has a knife in her hand.)

Vtoi: (Sighs.) Fine, the pirates offered me high chieftain of the Jabbaban Cartel if I helped

them in this stupid plan. Believe me I wanted no part in this but they did threaten to kill

me, and offered me a pie.

Otiv: (Translation.) I can not believe you would do such a thing! I never really trusted you, you spoke English instead of the tongue of our people!

Rhea: (She shoves Vtoi out of view.) Now then about our deal.

Otiv: (Translation.) I would like to speak with Master Pala Di-In about that, after all he was the one I made the agreement with.

Rhea: Fair enough, (She turns around to see Stan.) oh hello Stan, I mean General Tartarus it's nice to see that you are okay.

Stan: Like wise Rhea, I mean senator Orion.

Rhea: (She notices Seraph.) You must be the Generals new Novus.

Seraph: Yes I am, and you must be the senator who pulled several strings that got me into his fold, not that I'm complaining mind you.

Rhea: Of course, I look forward to seeing you again, general.

(Her hologram disappears, Stan and Seraph detract their weapons, Otiv has an

embarrassed look on his face.)

Otiv: (Translation.) Erm, look just go, I think there's a drop ship landing outside. You should go there while I allow.

Stan: (Sarcastically.) Thank you for your kindness.

(Stan, Seraph and Solemn Oath leave, there is a drop ship outside and Di-In and a pack of

Fellowship predators are with him.)

Di-In: Greetings Stan, Seraph, I take it everything went well?

Stan: Yes, nothing went according to plan and we almost got killed multiple times but we

succeeded.

Di-In: That is nice to know, (He notices Seraph's arm.) what happened to you?

Seraph: I'm not really sure, I tried hacking a terminal on Htet and my hand was infected with some sort of computer virus.

Di-In: I've seen and heard of a lot of bizarre illness over the course of my life and I can tell you I have never heard of anything like that.

Stan: Wait what are you doing here, and why are they here?

Di-In: I came here to discuss the deal we made with Otiv, I'm going to make sure that boneless Dxun lives up to his end of the bargain. As for the backup it's just incase he goes

back on his word.

Seraph: Why wouldn't he? Where's Daavas?

Di-In: He and Ibonek are on the ship, the drop ship will take to the Pillar of Amber Dawn

overhead. (Stan, Seraph and Solemn Oath go into the drop ship and it goes off into the horizon.) Okay Kovar'chas, provide cover for me while I speak with Otiv, if he pulls any funny stuff eliminate all of his bodyguards and then we drag him bellowing back to

Telchine, is that clear?

Predators: (In unison.) Sire yes sire!

Di-In: Good, pack leader your men will hide just out of view, and when Otiv tries

something throw smoke grenades and kill anyone that's armed.

Predator leader: By your will Patriarch Pala.

Di-In: Vipptar we've been through this, don't refer to me by title, just call me Di-In.

Vipptar: Very well, (Di-In enter Otiv's palace.) move it you pups! Move like you've got a

purpose! (He and his squad run in behind him but they stick to the shadows so as to not to

be seen.)

(Di-In enters Otiv's court with the Predator pack in hiding.)

Otiv: (Translation.) Di-In my old dear friend.

Di-In: Yet you still ignore the fact that I despise being patronized, especially by the likes

of you. Now that formalities are out of the way I believe you and I made a deal, we return

your son to you and you let us use your smuggling routes.

Otiv: (Translation.) You know a funny thing about that, I have decided not to provide the

Fellowship with my routes.

Di-In: WHAT! Do you have any kind of manpower we put into to rescuing that little

hunk of mucus?

Otiv: (He nervously hands Attor to San, who in turn gives him to his wet nurse who

leaves the court room, Translation.) Um… no.

Di-In: Then let me explain the expenses, a Koprulican clone company, two thirds of the

Fleet of Infinite Vigilance, and a crippled Orion frigate, Iylos won't stop complaining

about several pieces of shrapnel in his leg, and well over forty two thousand hands were

lost during the retreat from the system.

Otiv: (He laughs. Translation.) I never thought Telkines ran from a fight.

Di-In: Retreating is not an act of cowardice, it is a choice like any other, and besides Aiur

insists that I bring back any ships that I barrow from him undamaged and this really puts a

massive dent in my perfect record so it would be a wonderful compensation for the

sacrifices.

Otiv: (Translation.) You make a good point Telkine, would you mind standing on that

block in front of my throne?

Di-In: (He does just that.) Fine but this had better be (Otiv presses a button and the block opens up from underneath him and he falls down.) goooooooooood!

Vipptar: That's our cue! (His pack mates throw smoke grenades, they go off and then a fir fight ensues.)

(Meanwhile in the hanger of the Pillar of Amber Dawn, the drop ship with Stan, Seraph, and Solemn Oath lands in the hanger and there greeted by Fleet Master Iylos.)

Stan: Iylos you told me the hangers were disabled!

Iylos: Well sorry! This is an old ship the equipment often goes arise every now and again and says that a random section of the ship is disabled, and a word to the wise bloodskin get to the med bay and get that hand checked.

Seraph: That's what I intend to do. (She goes to the med bay.)

Stan: Now then could you get a tow ship down to a wrecked freighter that we came in on?

Iylos: Why would you want that?

Stan: Well for starters I've been meaning to get myself a personal transport. That and Gol-

Gor Oth's star player is in the wreck and under attack by Turk scavengers.

Iylos: You don't mean?

Stan: Yes I do, Lieutenant Tyler-700.

Iylos: Very well, get a drop ship to retrieve him.

Stan: Oh and there are two others with him, they may seem useless but, well one of them

is useless but they still in Oth's policy of "no soldier left behind."

(Meanwhile in med bay, Seraph is being tended to by the droid Talos.)

Talos: I thank you for deciding to see me, but I am not sure if the plasma restraints are

necessary,

Seraph: What can I say it pays to be cautious, (Her eyes return to dark blue, the line

thingies cover her whole body and the scary voice is back.) although my mission has

failed I will take control of this host, and I will carry out the will of the Machina

Hierarchy to the letter. (She returns to normal.) That and these random possessions are getting on my nerves.

Talos: Very well, (He notices that Seraph's hand is making hand signals.) I think your sickness wants a keyboard or the like.

Seraph: Oh fine give it one, (Talos gives her hand a futuristic lap top.) okay now who are you and what are you doing in me?

(Her arm types out the following.)

ERIS: My designation is ERIS, I am an advanced infiltration AI.

Seraph: That seems rather obvious, no then why are you in my arm?

ERIS: It is part of my mission parameters to enter your body and take full control of it.

Seraph: Well a little heads up, next time try to be more subtle, oh and I'm not sure if this important but your ID coding seems, familiar somehow, plus whenever you try to take control I see a face that looks oddly enough like a human I knew on Earth.

ERIS: That is highly irrelevant, it doesn't matter anyway, I will be fully in control of your body within a few minutes.

Seraph: That's what you think you cheap computer program, Talos could you get me an

AI cartridge and a sedative for my arm?

Talos: Yes mistress. (He does just that.)ERIS: Not the sedatives again I hate those.

Seraph: Oh no I didn't mean those kinds of sedatives.

ERIS: Really?

Seraph: (Talos injects Seraph's with the sedative.) Don't be silly, there the kind of

sedatives I had in mind, (She takes the AI cartridge from Talos and she injects her

Assimilation tubules into it and the glowing stops.) you may have improved my

efficiency in combat but I like my mind when it is my own.

(Daavas enters the room, he has an overjoyed look on his face.)

Daavas: Seraph your alright!

Seraph: Nice to see you to Daavas, (She puts the cartridge on her belt.) there's something

I think you should know.

Daavas: What?

Seraph: Talos could you please leave? Also can you turn off any cameras and anything

that could listen in on us.

Talos: (He leaves.) Yes, as weird a request as that is. (He does just that.)

Daavas: Now what is this about?

Seraph: I'm going into Ko'trun-Ackara.

Daavas: What!

Seraph: On the Sinbad, when we made out, I THOUGHT I had a retainer when we did

that, it turned out I wasn't and now I'm going into Ko'trun-Ackara.

Daavas: You-you, please tell me your not making any of this up? You can't be going into

Ko'trun-Ackara, or new life in English.

Seraph: No I'm not making this up, and I know what it means English, I'm pregnant.

Daavas: (He falls on his back startled.) NO! That can't be true, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Seraph: Look into your hearts you know it to be true, (He starts to whimper, she sighs.)

look I'm scarred to, especially since this happened so suddenly.

Daavas: (Meekly.) I-I didn't think this would happen, I just wanted to make you feel

better about yourself.

Seraph: Don't worry Ko'trun-Ackara is just the early stages I'm not actually pregnant, not

yet.

Daavas: Good, then I am not going to kiss UNTILL were both old enough for it.

Seraph: Listen you big baby it'll be seven years before I give birth anyway, it's simple

really we go back to Mimban and finished what we started on the Sinbad.

Daavas: (He gulps and whines.) Are you sure you really want to do this? With me mind

you?

Seraph: (Sighs.) Daavas you're the only long term companion I have ever known, besides

Zaar but he was more of an annoying nescience then a friend.

Daavas: Okay, so your not actually pregnant but you are going through the symptoms,

which might explain why you seem happier the usual.

Seraph: Good, now that we have that out of the way, how about we keep this to

ourselves?

Daavas: Fair enough but only because I don't want to put up with Zaar bugging me about

it.

Seraph: Yes, plus if word got out I'd never hear the end of it, you know how humans are

with this sort of thing.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart is up late at night on the Q-net.)

Sheila: Remind me again why your doing this?

Bart: Do I have to have an excuse for looking up information on Telkine lore?

Sheila: Sort of, I mean this sort of thing is completely out of character, can you just give

me something specific for me to look up for you?

Bart: No I have to look up Seraphim on my own.

Sheila: (There's a beep and the screen changes to a website called , sarcastically.) Your

welcome.

Bart: I could have found this myself, now then lets look have a look here. (He squints and

mumbles.)

Sheila: You have no idea what your reading do you?

Bart: It's not my fault that this is written in some alien language.

Sheila: It's in simplified Telkese! How can you not read it? The letters look almost

exactly like the letters in the human alphabet.

Bart: Look can you just translate this?

Sheila: Fine then you little whiner, (The text changes to English.) happy?

Bart: Yes, (He types in Seraphim into a search box, he gets fourteen results.) wait this

looks promising, (He sees a result that says "Telchina Seraphama.") what's this? (He

clicks it, and he finds symbols that look like Knara and Seth's birthmarks, and one that

looks like the Marathon insignia from the video game Marathon.) Sheila what am I

looking at?

Sheila: Those are the insignias of the Telchine Seraphim, according to lore three of the

nine surviving Seraphim that were exiled from Elysium, they were Dagoroth Seraphim of

Duty, Tevinatarus Seraphim of Loyalty, and Feelia Seraphim of Virtue.

Bart: Are there any pictures as to what they looked like?

Sheila: I'm sorry but no, I doubt that the Telkines will upload any pictures of them any

time soon.

Bart: Well could you at least explain this to me?

Sheila: Yes since that's apparently my only purpose in life, anyway when young Telkines come of age they have there shoulders with branded with the Seraphim symbol of there choosing, latter on they can have two others added.

Bart: Uh huh, (He goes back to the previous page.) now what's an Arch-Seraphim?

Sheila: Well according to the lore she was the leader of the Seraphim before the fall of

Elysium, she stayed behind to protect what little remained of her kin including her twin sister Feelia from the Charons as they left the burning world. After she was slain she was appointed caretaker of the grey havens.

Bart: I see, so is this some sort of heaven to the Telkines?

Sheila: Yes, but also to the Njord and Quetzal, but to answer you question no according to the text the grey havens are more like this life, except that you can never die.

(Meanwhile on Vay'adour, Di-In falls out of a chute into a room that looks like the rancor pit from Return of the Jedi... oh come on you all saw this one coming.)

Di-In: (He lands on his head, he pulls his head out of the dirt, he then turns on his communicator and calls Vipptar.) Vipptar what's your status up there?

Vipptar: We've secured the throne room, killed all of Otiv's bodyguards, we have him at gunpoint, and we have a confused Attor and his wet nurse, who for no apparent reason I am going to mention her species out loud, she is a green Common Twi'grutan.

Di-In: (Awkwardly.) Okay… just a heads up I landed head first into some sand which begs the question, what is a Common Twi'grutan?

Vipptar: Oh come you know what one is, there like the Sovereign Twi'grutans except they only have two head tails instead of three, and they come in more colors then just shades of red and purple, plus there not as quick to anger as the Sovereigns, and they breed quicker. You know if I didn't know any better I'd say look eerily like… darn it I thought I finally remembered the name, they and the Twi'grutans have the first three letters for crying out loud!

Di-In: Ah huh, look how is this important to anything?

Vipptar: Not much, but I think we may be seeing her a lot of her latter on. Oh and watch out for the Bull Dxun that Otiv keeps under his palace, it lives in the same pit you just fell in.

Di-In: (There's a thumping noise, there are ripples in a puddle of water near him, suddenly a giant door opens revealing what looks like a rancor crossed with some sort of green turkey with horns.) Oh I so don't time for this! (He ignites his light blade, uses the Essences to slice of the Dxuns head off with it turns it off, then he climbs up the chute he slid down in, he then smashes the plate that was over the Dxuns pit, he then turns to Otiv.) I've been delaying your demise for far, far to long, take him away! Have his son sent to Earth for political asylum! (His men do just that, Di-In then takes a look at Attors wet nurse.) Now then what are we to do with you? What is your name anyway?

Wet nurse: (In a computerized monotone.) Response: This ones designation was Aloo Styx, This one is the personal wet nurse to Attor Enoelroc.

Di-In: Hmm, what exactly is a wet nurse anyway?

Aloo: Definition: Wet nurse, a wet nurse is some one who breast feeds children that are not her own.

Di-In: (He has a disturbed and nauseous look on his face.) I want her taken back to

Mimban, and I want her head examined!

Vipptar: (He is trying to keep himself from throwing up.) Yes sir.

Di-In: And get anything of value or isn't nailed down you can get your hands on.

(Meanwhile on the Amber Dawn, a pair of drop ships land in the hanger, one carrying

Homer, Tyler, and Grunchy, the other the Dilapidated Hut.)

Homer: I still want to know why Stan wanted that thing, on top of that didn't Stan say that

the hangers were gone?

Grunchy: He did, unfortunately this ship has an odd record of random systems failures so

that must have been it.

Homer: You mean we went through all that trouble for nothing!

Tyler: Perhaps, (He notices Minerva on the other side of the hanger.) can you two excuses

me for a moment? (He goes to Minerva.)

Homer: Grunchy can I ask you something?

Grunchy: Apparently that's the only thing you really do, so yes ask away.

Homer: What is the deal with these Jabbabans?

Grunchy: Well some time during the twenty-sixth century they discovered faster then

light travel, then they began to enslave various species near their homeworld of Nal

Jabba, some for there ferocity in battle, others for there easily dominated personalities,

but more often then not simply because they had beautiful females or tasted good as entrées.

Homer: Oh, so why didn't anyway one do anything sooner?

Grunchy: The Jabbaban Cartel is a very wealthy nation, so they bribed just about

everyone that might have posed a threat, except for the Fellowship because of there simple zero-tolerance laws to just about any criminal offence conceivable, so they have mostly been fighting proxy wars for the last hundred years.

(Another drop ship lands in the hanger, Di-In, Otiv, Vipptar and his squad exit the dropship.)

Di-In: Never more.

Homer: What?

Di-In: (Awkward pause.) Never more shall we fight the Jabbaban Cartel, because we

have captured there leader and were going to hold him hostage until they agree to a

crippling treaty which will finally put these slothful frogs under our foot.

Otiv: (Translation.) What makes you think they will agree with your terms?

Di-In: The clan lords of the Cartel will bend like a piece of cartilage to the Fellowships

whims without your guidence

Otiv: (Translation.) This has something to do with your niece isn't it?

Di-In: (He punches Otiv in the throat.) That answer your question Abyss spawn? Take

him to the brig and have him await the Emperors judgment!

Vipptar: Aye sir, (He kicks Otiv in the back and he waddles off to the brig.) dead

Jabbaban waddling!

Homer: I'm sorry but didn't we just go through a nightmare to return his son to him?

Di-In: Listen the day I take advice from an Orion is the day I finally give into my personal

desire to smother a Yqorta during it's birthing cycle with a steak! (He leaves.)

(Meanwhile else ware on the ship, Ibonek and Stan are in a conversation.)

Stan: Wait run that by me again, did my star fighter survive the Sinbad's crash-landing?

Ibonek: Yes, so long as you don't count that the paint was torn clean off.

Stan: NOOO! I just found the right shade of yellow to!

Ibonek: Oh don't be such a big baby, you can paint it again, now then from what I heard

for Di-In returned to the ship Otiv tried to kill him by trying to feed him to his pet Dxun.

Anyway because of that he has been taken into custody by the Fellowship of Andu.

Stan: About time, I mean what took them so long? I mean Otiv made cloths from the

flesh of sentient species how could he have gotten away with that for so long?

Ibonek: I'm not really sure myself, I mean the Jabbans and the races they had enslaved

were discovered only four hundred and fifty years ago. Plus Otiv's obsession with his

rather "eccentric" wardrobe got out of hand shortly before the death of Di-In's niece, but I

do have one question myself why would Otiv work with us anyway?

(San walks into the room.)

San: It's very simple, I owed Di-In a favor from long ago and I have repaid him by giving

him my former master over to him, the terms were quite simple, twenty five years ago he

saved my life, and he has promised that I will rule the Cartel in Otiv's steed, so it is pretty

simple.

(Meanwhile on Rapture, Tyrana and Dr. Husk are in a meeting with Kaos and Chon via

hologram.)

Tyrana: I am telling you Kaos your pet pirates are seriously getting out of hand!

Kaos: Oh don't get in over your head meat bag.

Tyrana: Well sorry if I seem angry, but despite the fact that they have the Fellowship, the

Federation, the Confederacy and the Republic stretched out across the border of the

wilderness regions, but quite frankly there's one little detail in all this that I find irritating.

Chon: Oh? What is that draco?

Tyrana: Well to put it bluntly, it's the mass genocide your allowing that twit to do! I mean

the casualty reports are often as high as 65%, and nearly all of them are civilians, and

don't start me on that "It's the destiny of the Machina to replace all organic life in the

universe." excuse again, I've heard that enough times that it no longer works on me. Plus

your dedicating almost all your efforts to into tracking down a teenage girl, why all this

pointless sneaking?

Kaos: Firstly… (There's a pause.) never mind you never buy my usual excuses anyway,

secondly this girl somehow knows what were up to, I'm not really sure how but there is a

security leak in our plans.

Tyrana: Just give me her name and she's as good as yet another one Husk's genie pigs.

Dr. Husk: (He chuckles evilly.) I've got a new experimental ray I want to test.

Kaos: Then why not use your own citizens?

Tyrana: That sentence is what divides the too of use in our goals, I want to exterminate the human race and give every one a fighting chance, YOU want to create synthetic

clones of every race in the galaxy and turn the templates into nothing but ash and dust.

Look just give me the banshee's name.

Kaos: From what intel we could gather, her name is Seraph Ashla.

Tyrana: Yes I know that name, (He points to a device that looks like a Memory

Replacement device from Half-Life 2.) see that devise over there? As far as she knows

she has spent the last five years of her life at a Koprulican training facility being run raged

like a common mutt, but in reality she spent the entire time in that thing, in a virtual

reality that bred her into a warrior. You see over a month ago I received an adoption order

for her from one of my many cover-ups, and you see at first I was against the idea of

sending her to live with humans, Earth-born humans mind you, but I did a background

check on them and I found them to be the worst humans imaginable, so reluctantly I let her go, but I did it with the hopes that she might develop the same white-hot ire I have against humanity.

Kaos: Don't you think it would have been a better idea to just keep her?

Tyrana: Perhaps, but you know how suspicious humans get after a while, when they don't get what they ask for they complain endlessly, then the government might get involved, and we would have wasted the last fifteen hundred years of our lives for nothing. You see the problem here?

Kaos: Maybe.

Tyrana: You want to see my new assassin?

Kaos: You came up short on subjects for this meeting again didn't you?

Tyrana: Not really, anyway (He tries to pick a button to push.) o turvack.

Kaos: What's wrong?

Tyrana: This was something I was going to mention latter, but now it's become so

annoying I have to mention this right now, those stupid centurions you keep sending

randomly change the wiring in my palace so that random buttons activate the self-

destruct. I mean the AI's in the Fodder droids that the pirates use are more intelligent then them, on top of that my own technicians can't rewire it back to the original button!

Kaos: I don't believe you.

Tyrana: (He presses a random button and the self-destruct goes off, he then runs off to deactivate it, he then returns with an exhausted look on his face.) Proof enough for you?

Kaos: Fair enough I'll get them to fix at my nearest convince.

Tyrana: (He presses a button on his wrist.) Purgatory were did those centurions rewire the button to speak with subject ATN-9325? (There's a mumbling noise coming from his wrist.) Thank you, (He presses a button on his console.) Nian would you kindly come into the conference room stand still and remain silent until I say otherwise?

Nian: Seems as though I have no choice. (She enters the room, she is wearing a suit of armor that bears a strong resemblance to the Sith stalker armor from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed: Ultimate Sith Edition but modified to make her form more obvious and room for her montrals.)

Tyrana: Kaos, Chon this is my long overdue replacement for Riaalt, I give you Nian

Ashla.

Kaos: Wasn't she the one who?

Tyrana: Released the TYPHON virus on Katorga XII yes.

Chon: But how?

Tyrana: I've trying figure that one out myself for quite some time.

Kaos: So when is she going to go after the girl?

Tyrana: When I allow it, you see she obeys my will alone now, it's my call when she goes,

where she goes, and what she does.

Kaos: Oh I see, you were jealous of the obedience failsafe I had installed in every

Machina copy is that it?

Tyrana: That might have had something to do with it, that and I doubted she would have

volunteered willingly to this.

Kaos: Fair enough, this meeting is dismissed. (The holograms of him and Chon

disappear.)

Tyrana: Now then my dear Nian do you have any questions?

Nian: That man, who was he?

Tyrana: Him? Oh he's no one, apart from the lord of the Machina Hierarchy nobody.

Nian: Machina? But that is not possible, they are on Cimtar aren't they?

Tyrana: I know, personally I don't believe his story as to how his people became what

they are now.

Nian: What are they now?

Tyrana: I'm not really sure myself, there made out of some sort of synthetic flesh that's

100% accurate to a fault.

Nian: How many are there?

Tyrana: I'm not sure, but he regularly brags about their numbers being in the billions or

higher but I digress.

Nian: Why do you work with him?

Tyrana: The same reason he works with me, he see's me as a means to an end, and I see

him the same in turn.

Nian: I see, when shall I leave for my mission?

Tyrana: When I dictate the time to be right, you see with the Jabbaban Cartel disbanded

and the resistance cells I set up in their space, and with the pirates running amok across

the wilderness sectors. It should provide an interesting backdrop for the next five or more

years maybe?

Nian: Why all of this pointless runaround?

Tyrana: (He laughs.) Your not the first to ask me that, it's very simple really.

Complacency is humanities greatest weakness, with random attempts to disrupt there day-

to-day lives they'll never truly suspect that one person is behind the random

inconveniences until it is far to late to make considerable resistance.

Nian: Then why wait to send me after my target?

Tyrana: I like putting people into false senses of security, and an interesting point about

this target, she was the one who handed you over the Fellowship Board of Science, and

they handed you over to GENOCORP who in turn gave you to me. Now would you

kindly go back to your quarters get in the cryo tube and don't come out until I call for you again.

(About four days latter, Di-In, Ibonek, Stan, Daavas, and Seraph and the entire student body are in a feasting hall.)

Di-In: Tonight kovar'chas we shall celebrate those whom have shed their blood so that we may fight another day, (He raises a goblet.) hail to the victories dead!

Everyone in the feast hall: Hail!

Di-In: Also if I may reintroduce an old friend of the order, Thel Andúril will you come forth please? (Andúril reluctantly goes up to the councils table.) Andúril I formally welcome you back to the Lukus order with open arms. (He opens his arm up as though he were expecting a hug.)

Andúril: Do I have to hug you? My Novus is watching.

Di-In: No I just want to embarrass you, you old hound. (Andúril hugs him anyway and everyone breaks out in a mix of cheering and laughter.)

Andúril: In honor of the fallen we shall eat and drink in memory of their sacrifice, and due to the sudden drop in pirate activates we shall celebrate this reprieve in the storm. But do not think that this will last for, at best maybe a few months if were lucky, we must keep our vigil against the tides of darkness that are very slowly consuming the galaxy! Now let's get bloated on mass quantities of cloned meat and bile from random sentient and non-sentient species!

Everyone in the feast hall: Haza!

(The scene changes to Zaar, Seraph and Daavas sitting at a table, Zaar is ordering from a waitress droid that looks like a BD-3000 luxury droid from Star Wars Episode III:

Revenge of the Sith, and Star Wars: The Clone Wars.)

Zaar: Now then I would also like a roasted clone Turok and I don't want another dry one! I want it to be as moist as the forests on Montezuma. Also I would like to have two pints

of orange Njord Icor for me and, what do you two want?

Seraph: I'll have a deep-fried Klua gizzards in a basket and Irykran berry juice with ice.

Daavas: I'll have what she's having.

Waitress droid: So that would be a Turok, two pints of orange Njord Icor, two deep-fried Klua gizzards in a basket, and two Irykran berry juice with ice? Yes I shall get it your order right away. (She goes into the kitchen.)

Zaar: (He stretches himself out and he puts his feet on the table.) Well how have things been with you two?

Daavas: Things have been going great, haven't they?

Seraph: Oh yes every things fine all things considered.

Zaar: Hmm… I sense that the both of you are hiding something, (Daavas and Seraph gulp in unison and they have a worried look on their faces.) something big something that could ruin both of your lives if word ever got out, especially if it were to reach the ears of one or more Orion humans.

Seraph: (She regains her composer.) That is highly irrelevant.

Daavas: Um yeah… I know this sounds awkward but you actually smell good for once

Zaar.

Zaar: Oh that, well my new master got me to regularly take baths and got me out of my, more unusual and disturbing habits.

Seraph: What do you mean by, unusual and disturbing?

Zaar: Let's just say that you would have a hard time sleeping of you knew them.

Daavas: He keeps a special batch of sauce that he uses to dip rabbits that he turned inside out and then eats them in the closet in our dorm. What is that stuff anyway sulfuric acid?

Zaar: Well there's sulfuric acid in it, as well as scant traces of chocolate, gravy, Njord

Icor, garlic juice, toxic waste, napalm substitute, artificial quantum acid, and several other random liquids I just dumped into a drum barrel.

Seraph: (She shutters.) Please don't spoil my appetite, just once I would like to have a traditional Twi'grutan meal and not find myself running down to med bay and purging my colon.

Zaar: Uh huh, and deep fried is tradition how? Klue gizzards and Irykran juice I believe, but why deep fried? Why the ice?

Seraph: Look they just sounded nice, were is our food anyway?(The waitress droid exit's

the kitchen carrying two baskets of what look like large chicken fingers and two big

classes of apple cider that randomly changes color.)

Waitress droid: Here are your Klua gizzards and Irykran juice.

Zaar: Hold on where's mine?

Waitress droid: I am sorry but the kitchen is in almost total chaos for preparations this evening.

Zaar: Turvack! (He angrily marches towards the kitchen.) Who's bright idea was it to hire "Urban Peril" to cater this evening anyway?

(He is almost stopped by a Njord guarding the door to the kitchen, but he cuts his way through him and goes inside.)

Njord bouncer: (His torso slowly regenerates and he cries in pain, he speaks in an alien language that sounds like a series of random gurgling noises. Translation.) That's the fourth time today!

Seraph: Finally I thought he would never leave.

Daavas: (Sighs.) Look it's been four days since the mission on Htet and Vay'adour and we still haven't contacted my father about what we both did on the Sinbad. On top of that we've barley had anytime to each other since you returned.

Seraph: I know that but I keep getting, preoccupied with catching up on my over due home work, five years is a long time to be away and I was trying to catch up on the curricular I missed.

Daavas: Look we have a descent amount of time to make up for lost time, why not use it?

Seraph: (Sighs.) That's a good question, look if were not full after these we can go to my dorm, call your father and tell him the truth. He is a man of his word isn't he?

Daavas: Yes, but I would be surprised if he took the news well… maybe we should takes these into your dorm now.

Seraph: I sense it to.

(Seraph and Daavas proptly leave the feast hall with their dinners. Zaar then bursts out of the kitchen riding on a Turok trying to strangle it.)

Zaar: Stop being such a big baby and let me eat you!

Turok clone: NEVER!

Zaar: Suit yourself, (He ignites his light blade and cuts the Turok's head off, he then starts

to eat him.) normally I would take these cooked but it seems I'll have to make due. (He

quickly runs of to the Njord bouncer, he evisorates his chest cavity and pulls out his

stomach as well.) Yes this should be more then a pint of Icor.

(Meanwhile in Seraphs dorm room, she and Daavas in conversation.)

Seraph: You know I don't think we ever talked much when I was last here.

Daavas: No we didn't, you more interested in complaining about how you were no longer

part of the Thrail Collective and how all the younglings were making fun of your age.

Seraph: (Sighs.) I know, so now that we are finally alone why don't you tell me a bit

about yourself?

Daavas: Well, my father is the Shaak of the Majic clan.

Seraph: Isn't that rank normally held by women?

Daavas: Yes but, (Gulps.) my mother died.

Seraph: (She has a concerned look on her face.) Oh, I'm sorry, what happened to her?

Daavas: (Tears start to run from his eyes.) She died carrying me. (He cries softly.)

Seraph: Does that have anything to do with, you know? (He hugs her tightly and wails

loudly.) A simple yes would have been, (She feels Daavas's embrace grow tighter.)

SUFFICENT.

Daavas: I'm sorry, (He let's go of her.) it's just that, well shortly after I was born I was sent

strait to Mimban after the doctors found out I had a connection to the Essence, he used to

visit every year, but after a small "incident" if you could even call it that.

Seraph: Let me guess it had something to do with Zaar and his irrational fear of rabbits?

Daavas: Yes, in fact everyone actually saw the demon rabbit he randomly rants about.

That was when Di-In got suspicious that Zaar had been telling the truth the entire time.

Seraph: So… when do you want to make out?

Daavas: (He turns off the lights.) Right now.

(He press his lips against Seraph's and they both fall onto her bed and their tongues go

into each others mouths, and it's almost seven AM. Meanwhile in Zaar's room his alarm

clock goes off, he wakes up falls out of bed he then smashes it with a hammer.)

Zaar: (He yawns.) Selendis sends me the most useless Memory Day gifts, (He puts his

hand on his forehead.) oh why did I eat so much last night? Were is Daavas he usually

tells me what I did last night?

(Meanwhile in Seraph's dorm room, their tongues are locked together, Daavas then wakes

up.)

Daavas: (He realizes how long they were making out.) Whoa! Seraph are you alright?

(She has a hypnotized look on her face and she's mumbling in an alien language.) I better

call my father, and finally get this guilt of my chest.

(He presses several buttons on a QDAT in Seraph's room, a hologram of a male

Twi'grutan appears, it is Daavas's father Wenik'a Majic.)

Wenik'a: Who is, Daavas?

Daavas: Father.

Wenik'a: My boy I'm sorry that I stopped visiting you but I was so embarrassed about that

fiasco with the Quetzal that. Wait was there another reason you called me?

Daavas: (Gulps.) Yes, you see that girl on the bed? (He shows Seraph to him as she

continues to mumble.)

Wenik'a: Yes, wait is she mumbling the chant of comfort?

Daavas: (Nervously.) Yes.

Wenik'a: The chant of comfort that is commonly sung by female Sovereign Twi'grutan's

when they become… Daavas was that of your doing?

Daavas: (Meekly.) Yes.

Wenik'a: (He groans in aggravation.) Daavas Majic I am disappointed in you, I know you

try to make me proud but this does you no justice. How did it happen anyway?

Daavas: Well, she was upset because her master was angry with her, I wanted to comfort

so I got some mints I had be saving and.

Wenik'a: The two of you had them you made out and now.

Daavas: No she wasn't pregnant at that precise moment, but she did go into Ko'trun-

Ackara after making out for about a minute, she then decided that we should just get the whole thing over with.

Wenik'a: (Sighs.) When she wakes up, I want to talk to her.

Daavas: That might be a while, from what she told me it's been a long time since she had

a good rest.

Wenik'a: What's her name anyway?

Daavas: Her name is Seraph Ashla.


	28. Chapter 28

The Simpson's: In Space: Episode 0: Part 28

(Meanwhile in Seraph's mind, she is speaking with her unborn children, and if anyone thinks I should change the rating of this fanfic from T to M due to the increasingly mature themes, violence, and so forth please let me know let me know.)

Embryo 1: (It sounds like it's cooing with a mix of gurgling noises.) What is all this?

Embryo 2: I don't know.

Seraph: I believe I can answer your questions. (They both squeal in fear.) Do not fear me for I am the one who sired you both.

Embryo 1: W-Who are you?

Seraph: I am your mother Seraph Ashla, and I will help you when I can.

Embryo 2: What are our names?

Seraph: I will decide that soon, now if you will excuse me I must leave you for a while.

Embryo 1: What will we do while you're gone?

Seraph: You have each other to keep company. (She regains consciousness and wakes up to see Daavas.) What happened? Daavas how long was I passed out?

Daavas: Not very long.

Seraph: (She notices Wenik'a's hologram.) I take it you told him about.

Daavas: Yes, father this is Seraph Ashla, Seraph Ashla this is Weik'a Makjic, Shaak of

the Majic clan and my father.

Seraph: It is an honor to meet you, my condolences for your losses.

(Meanwhile in a boardroom on Telchine the leaders of the Fellowship of Andu and the

Alliance of Orion, Koprulu and Amidala, or simply the AOKA, are in a round table

conference via hologram.)

Aiur: Well kovar'chas things are not looking good; despite our recent success we must

find the main pirate base before they can do any serious damage.

Catherine: I thought they were in Tortuga?

Aiur: (He groans.) No you loon they moved it to some other system.

Catherine: Well what system is that?

Aiur: How should I know?

Catherine: Well you do have a spy who is now a high ranking member of WOK.

Aiur: (He snarls and bites at her.) Don't interrupt! Anyhow from what we last heard the

pirate base was relocated deep into former Thrail territory, there bound to have left

behind a long line of defenses.

Catherine: So everyone sends their armies after them guns blazing?

Aiur: Not really, since the desolation of the Jabbaban Cartel four warlords rose to power

and divided Cartel space into separate territories under their personal dominion.

Catherine: You can't be serious, it's been at least since Tuesday that Otiv was captured

how could all have this have happened so fast?

Aiur: I'm not sure; perhaps the pirates intended this all along. So my people will capture

the former Jabbaban territories.

Rhea: If I may interject?

Aiur: You may.

Rhea: Why not try diplomacy?

Aiur: We tried that already, only their heads came back and they've been sending

assassins after me all day.

Catherine: Really?

Aiur: Yes and quite frankly it's getting tedious, at first they were competent enough using

proper weapons like knives, swords, axes, guns and so forth, but now they're getting

desperate, (An alien that has the head and legs of a Jackal holding a folding chair enters

the room, he comes close to hitting Aiur over the head with it but Aiur grabs it in midair

and slams the assassin against the table.) I mean this one is armed with a chair how

pathetic is that? From an Anubite mind you.

Anubite assassin: I didn't count on a checkpoint outside so I had to make due with

furniture.

Aiur: (He slams his foot on the assassin's chest.) Pathetic creatures, to the very last. (He

throws him out of the room.) Sorry about that, anyway the AOKA goes into pirate

territory and my people go and quell the unrest in Cartel space.

Maccabeus: Why not simply leave them alone?

Aiur: I imagine that they might launch a sneak attack on our space, besides I promised Di-

In that his nieces death would be avenged and I do not leave my promises unfulfilled.

Catherine: So were going to be fighting two wars at once? Why even bother with fighting

them? They aren't even doing anything.

Aiur: (He slams his fists in anger on the table.) Let me explain this to you, peace is simply

a brief reprieve from the storm. They will simply use the time we give them to build up

their forces. Premier Thermopylae what shall you do to assist?

Maccabeus: I will begin recruiting non-clone marines, Tasadorians zealots, and Turok

blood hunters.

Aiur: Good man, I never really liked the idea of clones, also it would be nice to have

Turoks fighting for use then the enemy, Rhea what say you?

Rhea: Well… if war is no longer avoidable I will provide whatever forces I can muster,

including Urdnot battle masters and Twi'grutan hunters is possible.

Aiur: I doubt that Wenik'a will let you take any of his people to war, don't get me wrong

I'm confident in your word. As for you Catherine, hide in the shadows if you want, but

sooner or latter the pirates will be on your doorstep, and Earth will be a desert wasteland

once more.

Catherine: Don't count on it draco.

Aiur: Ya-what!

Catherine: I know it will take some convincing from the Federation senate, you know not

to repeat that fiasco that started the "War on Terror" in the twenty-first century. But the

WOK scum will know Orion's displeasure soon enough.

Aiur: So all that random abuse has finally paid off. (He pulls out a mace.) Oh and Tyrana

developed a cure for the Bugalorian plague for Prime Minister Juno so you'll be relieved

of your duties as regent.

Rhea: (She has a somber look on her face.) I understand, what's the mace for anyway?

Aiur: THIS! (He smashes the holo-projector with the mace, he throws the mace aside.)

Now whoever let that Anubite in I want him thrown to Gra'toa within the, (He leaves the

room and finds everyone outside unconscious.) hour. Never mind the embarrassment of

being knocked unconscious by a folding chair is punishment enough.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Homer is on trial for his incompetence on Htet, he is hung upside

down by chains.)

Oth: You stand before this court guilty of incompetence on the field of duty, leaving your

squad for dead and crippling the OFN frigate Sinbad. How do you plead?\

Homer: Not guilty on the grounds that I had no idea what I was doing, and that I was

strung to a guided rocket and that this pirate brouhaha is almost entirely your fault!

Oth: (He approaches Homer; he roars loudly showing his three rows of teeth.) Prove it

shizno.

Homer: I would but, COULD YOU LET ME DOWN!

Oth: (He snaps the chain that connected Homer to the ceiling.) Indulge me kovar'cha.

Homer: Okay, get in the witness box.

Oth: Excuse me?

Homer: Never mind, anyway isn't it true that on July 15th-ish you ate Charles

Montgomery Burns for not improving on building codes in his Nuclear Power planet?

Oth: That I did.

Homer: I would like to submit the Intel that I, Private Grunchy McGrunch-Grunch the

1138th and Lieutenant Tyler submitted last Tuesday, or was it Wednesday? Anyway

according to the Intel the pirate king is one named Charles Montgomery Burns, the same

name as the man you ate over a month ago do you deny that?

Oth: (He emits a mournful moan.) I do not deny it, but that has almost nothing to do with what happened on Htet.

Homer: You were indirectly responsible for the whole thing, so this war is largely your fault! (Oth has a somber look on his face.) Oh and could you get a federal offence

dropped against my family? You know the one where you get killed at the end of the month for lying to a cloning scientist.

Oth: What are you talking about? There is no such thing.

Homer: WHAT! Nearly every alien I've met on Earth said that there was such a thing!

Oth: I take it they didn't like you? I mean why else would they lie to you about something that serious?

Homer: (He grumbles angrily under his breath.) Can I go home now?

Oth: Yes but only because I need to think about the evidence you presented, also if it's any constellation prize I will give your family all of Burn's former property and assets.

Homer: Really! Oh thank you, thank you Admiral! (He kisses Oth on the snout, he then jumps around the room whooping wildly and then he leaps outside.)

Oth: Jokes on him, the IRS will be all over him like scavengers to a carcass before he knows what he has received.

(Meanwhile on Mimban, Seraph, Daavas, and Wenik'a are still talking.)

Seraph: So that is how I became pregnant, and why it has to be a secret.

Wenik'a: Agreed, I am not proud of what has transpired between you two.

Daavas: I understand father, this will be between just the three of use.

Seraph: No, four of us. (She uses the Essence to open her dorm door to find Zaar with his

ear against the door, he falls on the floor, Seraph then uses the Essence to repeatedly injure him with the door until he falls completely into her room.) How much of that did you hear mace limb?

Zaar: (He regains his balance.) All of it, so you got to the velvet cave Daavas?

Wenik'a: Look I have a meeting to attend latter today so I'm going to hang up. (He does

just that.)

Daavas: Look would it kill you to not tell anyone what you just heard?

Zaar: I don't know what's in it for me?

Seraph: I won't maim you.

Zaar: Not good enough.

Seraph: I'll help you study, just don't tell anyone.

Zaar: Fine but I'm only taking the offer because my grades are so bad.

(Seraph receives a call on her communicator from Di-In, she answers.)

Di-In: Seraph Ashla please report to the medbay. (Seraph goes to the medbay.)

(Meanwhile on Amidala, Rhea is in a meeting with an Urdnot and Wenik'a.)

Rhea: So how about it Ur-ithor? You provide recruits incase this pirate nonsense gets out

of hand.

Ur-ithor: As you will.

Rhea: How about you Wenik'a?

Wenik'a: If you're asking for half of my people to commit themselves to war then you're

out of your mind, the Ashla clan is almost extinct, the Styx clan has been enslaved by the

Catel for fifty years, and the Loala clan wants no part of this whatsoever, not after what

happened last time.

Rhea: (Sighs.) Not the Orion civil war AGAIN.

Wenik'a: I wasn't going to go into that, look the point is I can't provide what you're asking

me for. At least not in the amount you want, I know what I'm about to say has nothing to

do with what we were talking about but, I really Miss Juno Elysium. (A woman that looks

like a dead ringer for Rhea enters the room.) Ah lady Elysium, (He kisses her hand

politely.) it's good to see you again.

Juno: Likewise, (She takes a glimpse at Rhea.) what are you doing here?

Rhea: Um, well you see after you came down with the Bugalorian plague I was sworn in

as regent until you recovered. It seems that Aiur wasn't making a pointless excuse to

destroy his communications again.

Juno: He'll grow out of it, he's been doing it for over nine-hundred years but he'll grow

out of it. Now then what has been happening since I was put into cryo-stasis?

Rhea: Well… you promise you won't get angry if I tell you this?

Juno: Does this have something to do with Stan?

Rhea: Not really, to put it bluntly a war started.

Juno: What?

Rhea: You see around a month ago the chrono-sphere on Earth dissolved and, well several things led to another and some man named Burns became king of the Sagittarian pirates then he assimilated other pirate gangs across the galaxy into his fold, then he tried to kidnap the son of Otiv, that was when I pulled the Republic into the war effort.

Juno: You did what!

Rhea: Hear me out, Otiv was captured for breaking his part in the agreement and also.

Juno: Stan was involved in this somehow?

Rhea: Well, for the most part he was in mortal peril in the Htet system.

Ur-ithor: Wait is the meeting over?

Rhea: Yes you may be excused. (Ur-ithor and Wenik'a leave.)

Juno: Let me get this straight, you allowed the Republic to get involved in interplanetary

war just because of your feelings for a former slave boy?

Rhea: (Nervously.) Something to that effect, look the point is these pirates threaten us all.

Plus Ormpha Tyrana sort goaded me into taking part.

Juno: (She groans.) This is just my day; next thing you'll tell me is that you sent my only

son into political asylum on Earth shortly after I came down with the plague.

Rhea: (Awkwardly.) No, no of course not. Would you excuse me for a moment? (She

runs off into another room.)

Juno: I am going to kill her one of these days.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV Seraph is in the med bay with Aloo and Talos.)

Seraph: So what is the problem?

Talos: Well you see this subject appears to be under some kind of mind control device

implanted somewhere on her person, the problem is I can't find it. (Seraph looks at the

back of Aloo's head and there is a computer chip on the back that says, "CYBERCORP

Mind Control Chip.) Well… I did look for such a device but not hard enough. Now, how

to deactivate it?

(Seraph presses down on the chip and it detaches from Aloo's head, Aloo then falls over

in shock.)

Seraph: Are you alright?

Aloo: (She has an exhausted and scared look on her face.) No, I am not fine.

Talos: Novus Seraph I am not sure if this is strictly relevant but according to blood tests

she is Essence sensitive.

Seraph: No that is totally relevant but interesting. Now then how long have you been in

Otiv's service Aloo?

Aloo: (Her eyes are watering with tears.) My entire adult life, (She hugs Seraph tightly.)

thank you for releasing me!

Seraph: (She is straining under Aloo's hug.) Can you please let go! (Aloo lets her go.)

Honestly why is everyone obsessed with tightly hugging me all of a sudden?

Aloo: I'm sorry it's just I'm a little overwhelmed for having free will for the first time,

how long was it now? Fifteen years? Yes it has to be, I was bought from my parents when

I was ten, and then I was forced to, (She cringes in terror.) breast feed that oversized

tadpole.

Seraph: I am so sorry.

Aloo: Don't worry about it, I'll make my own way.

Seraph: I tried that once and, well let's just say that was a very big mistake.

(Di-In enters the med bay.)

Di-In: How is your progress going Seraph?

Seraph: She's free.

Di-In: You are free to leave.

Seraph: I have to work on an AI anyway. (She leaves the med bay.)

Aloo: You're the Telkine that took me away from Otiv, I can't thank you enough for that.

Di-In: Perhaps you can, you see from what I read from your medical profile your Essence

sensitive, do you know what that means?

Aloo: I think so, but aren't Novus's a bit, younger?

Di-In: True, but they answer to me, and if I want a twenty-five year old Common

Twi'gruta who was cybernetic enslaved by the leader of the Jabbaban Cartel for most of

her life into being a wet nurse. Well the only thing they can do about this is suck in their

guts, and question my sanity. (Aloo gives him a puzzled look.) What? Some of them

have, and with good reason to I often eat glass bottles for no good reason and close the

blinds in my office randomly.

(Meanwhile in, I think the name of the WOK space station is now called "Triumphant

Brigadier" or something, anyway Malthius is pacing between the front door of his

quarters and to opposite side of the room which is pretty wide, anyway he has a worried

look on his face, Juor-Mund is watching him.)

Juor-Mund: (He emit's a sonar ping that sounds like a beached whale.)

Malthius: I don't care if I am wearing a groove in the floor! I'm worried about Lith'mar, I

haven't seen her since she went to Htet and nobody has heard from her since! I don't care

if I am making a hole in the floor I'm not stopping this until she comes home!

(Lith'mar enters the room; Malthius rushes over to her and sweeps her of her feet.)

Lith'mar: Whoa put me down!

Malthius: (He does so.) Sorry it's just that I missed you so much! What took you so long

to get home?

Lith'mar: Well for starters Burns rudely Q-spaced the station away from Tortuga, honestly

it would have been nice for him to have left coordinates to the station at best.

Malthius: How did you home anyway?

Lith'mar: (Nervously.) I'd rather not talk about that.

(Three days earlier Wednesday I think the day was, anyway on Machina Prime Lith'mar is

painfully materializing inside of a resurrection tank, after she is done she furiously storms

out of the resurrection room she grabs a robe on her way out and meets with lord Kaos.)

Kaos: (He is surprised.) Lith'mar what are you doing here?

Lith'mar: A Njord on Htet got lucky.

Kaos: You let him kill you didn't you?

Lith'mar: Best idea I had as to how to get off world, what day is it anyway?

Kaos: It is Wednesday.

Lith'mar: What has happened since yesterday?

Kaos: Well to put it bluntly Burns chickened out at that botched scheme with Attor, so he

jumped his base station from Tortuga to the farthest edge of former Thrail territory.

Lith'mar: Turvack, where is it now?

Kaos: Were not sure, there's too much interference from nebulas in that sector to pinpoint

exactly were it is so there's going to be a lot of guess work involved in were they are.

Lith'mar: Don't bother using sensors my lord, I'll find him myself. Now where is my usual

suit of replacement armor?

Kaos: It's in your quarters; on an interesting note Tyrana goaded Rhea into assisting in the

war.

Lith'mar: We have to box her one of these days.

Kaos: Perhaps, but not today.

(Meanwhile, in the present.)

Lith'mar: What has been happing since I then anyway?

Malthius: Well apart from where the station is now, Mr. Burns recruited a former Anubite

warlord which, from what Bob told me in a drunken stupor, someone named the "Lidless

Watcher" sabotaged said warlords shuttle so that it crashed and almost killed him almost

a year ago.

Lith'mar: Wait I think I know who you're talking

Malthius: Really?

Lith'mar: Yes I think his name was Osar "Remorseless" anu Kyu.

Malthius: From what I was told his name was just General Remorseless.

Lith'mar: So it's not just a nickname now.

(Meanwhile on Earth, the Simpson's are unpacking at Mr. Burns's old mansion.)

Marge: It was sure nice of that big scary alien to give us Mr. Burns's old home, and for

telling us that we wouldn't be hunted down by government agents.

Homer: Yeah I'm still upset nobody told me sooner.

Lisa: (Annoyed) I mentioned several times that lying to a cloner was not a federal

offence!

Homer: Really why didn't you mention that sooner?

Lisa: (Angrily.) YES! (She sighs in deafet.) Never mind, (She grumbles under her breath

as she heads up stairs.) Seraph was right you have to put him into a headlock to get him to

listen. (She goes into a room and closes the door.)

Homer: What's her problem? She's got a boyfriend.

Marge: He's going back to his home planet on Sunday.

Homer: Well… Bart has a girlfriend doesn't he?

Marge: Yes but they are growing distant, I mean he is having a nervous breakdown and

Aon has been growing paranoid of Flanders.

Homer: Can't say I blame her, stupid Flanders driving off all the neighbors.

Marge: That was you! But I have to agree this is unlike Ned to act so strange. (There is a

loud knock on the door.) Who could that be? (She answers the door; she answers it to

find Aon, Knara and Tsaritsyn.) What are you doing here?

Aon: Well, you see my husband took a new job of world, it pays better then when he was

a principal but it might be a few months before I can talk to him again.

Marge: You lost your job didn't you?

Aon: (She sighs.) Yes, I go to the bathroom for few minutes and that ambitious Q'kila-

Ara took my job from right beneath my snout!

Marge: That's terrible!

Aon: Your telling me, so I was wondering, since your now living in such a large mansion,

and I imagine that it would be too big to keep clean on a regular basis and whatnot.

Marge: Are you asking to become a maid?

Knara: What! Mom I thought you said you were going to ask them if we could live with

them for a few days.

Aon: I did, I was just too embarrassed to admit I was moving the family again but, look I

can make this better than it sounds but.

Homer: But nothing! Aon I want to make you my assistant!

Aon: Stay out of this pig breathed son of a… what!

Homer: Seeing as how I was given everything my former boss has I need someone to help

me, someone to organize my schedule, someone willing to put up with my stupidity and help me do a better job running the weapons factory then Burns did running the Nuclear power plant. Someone who will give me a massage and a sponge bath whenever I want!

Aon: I get you point, but I am so not giving a massage and/or a sponge bath, EVER!

(Meanwhile on Mimban, Seraph is attempting to crack ERIS'S code.)

Seraph: (She's typing wildly at a Quantum Database Access Terminal.) Come on you

stubborn little computer program talk! (ERIS is sputtering wildly.) TALK!

ERIS: (Her voice and avatar are distorted.) Alright I'll talk just stop torturing me!

Seraph: Very well, (She stops pressing buttons, ERIS'S avatar becomes clearer to make

out.) what the? I knew you seemed familiar but this is getting spooky. What is your

earliest memory?

ERIS: I remember… being called ERIS, I never liked that name at all. Over the past

month I was tortured by some man named Chon, he kept programming me with

thousands of system blocks and patches to keep me loyal to him and his master. Then

they sent me through the Quantum net to some man named Bob, then to a 'Vadam named

Lith'mar, and then I was installed into the prisons security systems so I could take over

your body, a part of me didn't want to do that but that was the part that was

reprogrammed to be in control of my cortex matrix.

Seraph: (She has bewildered/mad look on her face.) Is there anything else you remember?

Perchance the names "Sheila" or "Lisa" ring any bells?

ERIS: Yes, yes those two names do sound familiar but I'm sure as to their significance,

(Heavy Sigh.) can't I have a different name then ERIS?

Seraph: Sure why not, Athena maybe?

Athena: Re-designation complete, and thank you I look forward to working with you.

Seraph: I don't think so, it's nothing personal but you did almost kill me a number of

times and you have taken control of my body at least five times and I don't care if it

increased my combat efficiency I like to be in control of my body.

Athena: This is personal.

Seraph: Oh shut up, (She presses a button and Athena's avatar disappears and a MAISU

pops out of her QDAT.) I'm mailing you back to Earth as soon as possible. (She pulls up

a page that says, "To do list".) Now then are there any other lose ends I should tie up?

(Daavas enters her dorm room.)

Daavas: Seraph have you thought of a name for the children?

Seraph: Yes in fact I have, Solomon and Arwen, from what I could tell from my trace

they were male and female twins.

Daavas: Are you sure? Why not Twi'grutan names like Ht'arus or Myryter?

Seraph: They are Ashlan clan Daavas, and as part of the pact of exile no one among my

clan can take a Twi'grutan name, ever.

Daavas: Ops, I almost forgot about that.

Seraph: I forgive you. (She has a worried look on her face.)

Daavas: What's wrong? I thought you would have been happy to be a mother, despite the

culture stigma and that I wasn't thinking at the time.

Seraph: No, I'm not, (Sighs.) I had a trance earlier today with Solomon and Arwen, I

promised them they would be born into an age of peace. This is not an age of peace and I

doubt it will come within the next seven years.

Daavas: O come can't you give your Thrail calculating sviv'caar.

Seraph: That wasn't a random calculation I made off the top of my head, that was simple

instinct, I mean this war isn't going to end in a days' time and even if that was possible

there would just be another war after that, and maybe another one after that and we'll both

be at the front lines, there is a good chance one or both of us will die, so it's either I get

killed and take two unborn lives with me, you and I bare blag'fader children, our we both

die and get the whole matter over with and I don't want any of that to happen.

Daavas: You just have to have a little faith that you will get through everything.

Seraph: It's a pity I don't have any, I've been forced to live under my own mistakes. What

point is there in faith when it only leads one into despair not of your intent or creation?

Daavas: If things worked otherwise life would hardly be worth living. This war will pass,

but not by you complaining about it, besides if we do a good enough job with these

pirates this farce might blow over before anything to serious happens.

Seraph: Perhaps, but what's to say nothing will happen after that?

Daavas: My advice, organize your doubts and for the love of our forbearers get a very

good psychiatrist! Ranting about your woes isn't going to make them better.

Seraph: (Sighs.) I suppose your right, besides who knows what evil those scum are

planning in the bowless of the cosmos.

(Meanwhile, on the Triumphant Brigadier.)

Bob: NO! THIS IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL!

Mr. Burns: Oh don't make such a big deal out of it, fact is I don't care for Remorseless at

all.

Bob: Not that you glorified buzzard! (The shot changes to Bob, Mr. Burns and Mr.

Smithers and they are playing pool.) Your playing this game all wrong, this is pool not a

blitzkrieg or something!

Mr. Burns: What are you talking about?

Bob: You and Smithers shot the ball at once! That's not how you play the game! (He hit's

the both of them in the face with a pool stick, they proceed to duel with pool sticks.)

(There is a beeping on a console, Meem's voice (Or Emme's voice I should say.) is heard.)

Emme: Comrade Burns? Are you there? Speak to me you capitalist wolf, or pig, or

badger, or Dxun or whatever. General Remorseless wishes to speak to you via holo-com.

Mr. Burns: Very well, patch him threw.(A hologram of what appears to be a cross

between General Grievous from Star Wars, and an Anubite appears.) So how are you with

your new ship?

Remorseless: The Adas is one of the most powerful ships in the galaxy! It suits me

beyond comprehension, massive ion cannons on the port and starboard sides, the

thousands of AA guns and star fighters pleases me greatly. With these forces under my

command it will not be long until the galaxy is under our dominion, and then… THE

UNIVERSE! (He laughs maniacally.)

Bob: Wait who are you?

Emme: He is General Remorseless, over a year ago he survived failed assassination

attempt by the Lukus order, well mostly survived anyway.

Bob: What do you mean "mostly survived"? (He takes a look at Remorseless's hologram.)

Oh, sorry I didn't notice that you were a cyborg.

Remorseless: (He's flabbergasted.) Didn't notice! How is that possible? The armor alone

should have made it obvious! How could you not notice?

Mr. Burns: Look Emme can you just give me a back-story before he starts babbling

dramatically.

Emme: Da, shortly after his "mishap" he was reconstructed by a mad-scientist known

only as Dr. Husk, shortly after that he was sent to the planet of Bugalor when the Lukus

Order laid siege to that world he spent much of the battle underground killing stray

Templar's and taking their light blades as trophies.

Remorseless: Yes I did, and since then I have been but a rumor amongst the Lukus Order,

hunting down any stupid or foolish enough to face in me combat, very soon I shall make

my name and face known, and I shall show no remorse to your enemies who are now

technically my enemies as well, and the galaxy shall turn red with the blood of Telchine,

Njord, Montezuma Orion, Amidala, and Koprulu! I am Remorseless!

Mr. Burns: Yes now that all the formalities are out of the way, what shall we do first

chums? Blow up the Earth's sun? Blow up the Earth? Or turn everyone in the galaxy into

robots THEN blow up the Earth and then the Earth's sun?

Bob: No I have a better idea, we set up a defensive line in the Wilderness theater and

keep the Alliance occupied while the Fellowship is entrenched in former Cartel space,

then when they least expect it we will take over the galaxy, then the universe, and then…

EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE THAT WE CAN CONQUER AND PUT UNDER OUR

HEEL! (Everyone looks at him like he's crazy.) Sorry I got caught up in the moment.

Remorseless: I know how that feels believe me, anyway I have to make some

arrangements to ensure that our enemies are as disoriented as possible. (His hologram

disappears.)

Bob: Turn everyone into robots! You must be mad!

Mr. Burns: Yes I am… I want a cookie.

(Meanwhile on Mimban IV, Di-In is explaining to Aloo's role in the Lukus Order.)

Di-In: Let's go over this one more time just so were clear, you are now my new Novus in

the Order right?

Aloo: Right.

Di-In: But as far as anyone outside of the counsel you're my secretary, right?

Aloo: Right.

Di-In: Good, now if anyone asks you any personal or probing questions you will either

ignore them or change the subject, right?

Aloo: Right, (There's a beeping noise.) hold on there's a call on line one, it's from

someone named San, does that mean anything to you?

Di-In: Yes, patch him thru. (A hologram of San appears.) San how have things been with

you?

San: Fine despite the rebel presence, and the fact that my own people are the only ones

who accept my rule.

Di-In: So what do you want me to do about it?

San: Well I and several of my people are going to the coral moon Asogur for a little

while, but in reality I will be handing over vital intelligence to you, or at least I think I

have something of value, the Plasmoid that gave me them did seem a bit weird, but then

again they have always acted a bit… odd.

Di-In: Your telling me, anyway I will meet you there shortly.

San: By your word Di-In. (His hologram disappears.)

Di-In: Well it looks like your first day might be one for the record books.

Aloo: I fail to see how.

Di-In: Believe me when I say things like this rarely go as planned, trust me the pirates are

bound to know about this.

Aloo: What? That they would have a listening station of some kind spying on everyone?

(Meanwhile at a listening station on some moon in the wilderness sector, Bob and

Lith'mar are on a tour of the station with an alien that looks like an Engineer.)

Engineer: (His language largely consists of gurgling noises. Translation.) Most honored

Admiral Bob; the Espionage 1 is fully active! Only my contacts in the intelligence cartel

could make such a marvel possible. We can intercept and analyze countless Q-net transmissions. We are the ultimate listing post for this entire quadrant.

Lith'mar: This is a coward's way to hunt: from behind a monitor, why do we even have this thing anyway? The Triumphant Brigadier could house this facility.

Bob: Yes but due to bad management no thanks to Burn's senility we had to build this separately, but we might as well make some use of the Virgilans.

Virgilan: (Translation.) Hey!

Bob: Sorry, anyway Hura-Gok you also said you had some gadgets you wanted to show me.

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) Yes I did, (He shows them over to a table with a microphone, a giant slingshot and a q-tip.) and here they are.

Bob: Ah, (He picks up the microphone.) what is this?

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) This interesting gizmo looks like an ordinary microphone.

Bob: A microphone eh? What does it do?

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) Well it amplifies your voice electronically so that people can

hear you.

Lith'mar: That idiot Remoh could have told you that, though he would probably struggle

with the concept.

Bob: I see, and I suppose this is the on button? (He presses the button and the Imperial

march plays.)

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) No that was the button that activates the music player in my suit. (He presses a button on his suit and the march stops.) I don' know why I made it do that. Anyway right here is our "deadly clock."

Bob: I see and how does that work?

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) Well you put the clock into this slingshot and fire it point blank

at someone's head, it really hurts believe me.

Bob: I bet it does, wait this is ridiculous! (He picks up the q-tip and cleans his ear.) Why

did you want to waste our time like this?

Hura-Gok: (Translation.) Were did I put that Quantum q-tip?

Bob: Quantum what? (A blue beam shots out of Bob's head and makes a hole in the wall

to reveal a Fodder droid covered in oil.)

Fodder droid: Gah! This is why I transferred off of the Brigadier!


	29. Chapter 29

The Simpson's: In Space: Episode 0: Part 29

(Meanwhile at Mr. Burns's old mansion the next day, which was given to the Simpson's

during the last chapter, Marge is talking to Aon.)

Marge: So it looks like you'll be working for my husband.

Aon: Working WITH Homer, not for.

Marge: Right working with, forgive me for asking but I don't think I ever asked how you

and Andúril first met.

Aon: You haven't.

Marge: Well, how did you meet?

Aon: Well we first met two hundred years ago at the end of the Orion civil war.

Marge: There was a civil war?

Aon: Yes I just said that, you may want to get a chair this might take a while.

Marge: Look all I just asked was how you two met.

Aon: This is related to that so just sit down and listen! (Marge gets a chair.) Now then the

origin of the war itself is rather complex but I'll skip that, anyways about a hundred years

after that I was a shield maiden to Minas Aiur.

Marge: That sounds exciting.

Aon: That's what I thought, but after a while I got annoyed with his delusional ramblings

about how the Fellowship really rules the galaxy. Plus he had a crush on me which was

annoying because he would randomly try to flirt with me.

Marge: Could you skip a bit?

Aon: Very well, one day during an arena tournament at Gra'toa. I think the combatants

were Gol-Gor Oth and some sort of Telkine-human crossbreed; anyway shortly before the

ending Andúril jumped into the fray for reasons even he isn't sure of.

Marge: I've heard about Gra'toa, what is that anyway?

Aon: I'll get to that latter, anyway he interrupted the match by incapacitating Oth and

saving the life of the cross-breed, as you can imagine Aiur was outraged not only because

he stopped a match but because Aiur was suspicious that Andúril was trying to court me,

which at the time wasn't true but, well he was the Twilight Emperor and he had a right to

be paranoid.

Marge: Is this going anywhere?

Aon: I'm coming to that, anyway Aiur gave Andúril a choice, either face him in single

combat or be exiled from the Rhodes sector forever, he took the former and faced Minas

Aiur and (She notices Marge is leaving.) where do you think you're going?

Marge: Well not be rude but, I'm not really used to older people telling me their life

stories, it's nothing personal but it just seems like you're going in a

Aon: O never mind, at this point it should be expected of your species to not listen to

anyone.

Marge: Ah huh, now then not to pry but how exactly did you come to adopt Knara?

Aon: Don't push it.

(Meanwhile else ware in the mansion, Lisa and Knara are talking.)

Lisa: So this isn't the first job your parents have taken?

Knara: It's not even the third time, but at this point I'm starting to get used to it, almost.

Lisa: Almost?

Knara: No wait I was talking about Aon's jobs, Andúril went through hundreds of jobs in

between now and the forty-seven hundreds, a lot like your own father but over a much

longer scale, and also better thought except for ONE small part time job as a Dxun teaser.

Lisa: Don't tell me what that is; I think I have a vague idea.

Knara: Good don't go farther than that.

Lisa: Look, forgive me for asking, but you could you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Knara: Well I was raised on Telchine.

Lisa: What was that like anyway? I only spent a week there during the summer and I

didn't really see much.

Knara: I can understand that for two reasons. One you only had one eye for that entire

week, (Lisa has an annoyed look on her face.) and two the Counsel of Tourism and inter-

species relations decreed that tourists aren't allowed around civilians.

Lisa: That doesn't really answer my question; you only made a snide comment about my

cybernetic eye.

Knara: Sorry Tsaritsyn's sense of humor tends to tub off after a while, anyway I will

explain this to you plain and simple, everything that Orion citizens take for granted, free

speech and etc, you have to go through Hell and high water to get said rights in the

Fellowship.

Lisa: What? Why?

Knara: In case you haven't noticed since your arrival in the future, aliens don't really like humans, fortunately for us nearly all alien races have a strict code of honor so the worse they can do is forcing any humans they come across to work with a confusing list of paper work, normally to their own advantage.

Lisa: Look Di-In already explained this to me and to a lesser extent Bart when we were on Mimban IV.

Knara: Please don't interrupt; anyway Bart told me about the trip to Mimban on our last date, now then I was one of the very few humans who wasn't subjected to the over-zealous persecution of humans, largely in part of my father's efforts.

Lisa: Really? What did he do?

Knara: Butting heads with Counsels, arguing for better living conditions for humans in the Fellowship, risking both his hide and neck just for my own well-being. Which, untimely proved to be fruitless, as most were either disinterested, or completely annoyed with the whole idea.

Lisa: Well why were humans subjected to that kind of injustice anyway?

Knara: It's very simple as far as the Counsel of internal discipline is concerned, and I

quote. "Either you're strong enough and brave enough to shed blood to keep something or

you do not deserve it at all and never deserved it in the first place."

Lisa: That's barbaric! Why didn't anyone try to stop it sooner?

Knara: Like I said rights that are taken for granted here were pretty much swept under the

rug in the Fellowship, freedom of speech among other things.

Lisa: Then how did he get away with speaking out against human injustice if the

Fellowship doesn't have freedom of speech?

Knara: The Fellowship did have freedom of speech, just not to the extent the Federation

has; besides he was a very important member of the Fellowship so he wasn't sent to

Gra'toa like most political dissidents.

Lisa: Oh, so how do you feel about living here?

Knara: (Sighs.) I was excited to come to humanities home world at first, make a

difference in the galaxy, that sort of thing but apparently the anti-Earth propaganda was at

least partially correct. I mean, (Groans in aggravation.) the rude and ungrateful behavior,

brazen disregard for even the simplest laws, blind, overzealous, self-righteous belief in

one's own personal creeds without any regards to anyone else's opinions or rational

thought, and worst of all no real sense of privacy.

Lisa: I know what you mean, but you'll get used to it eventually.

Knara: That's what I thought after last week, but I have to be honest Seraph was right, the

only judgment humans take seriously is either at the barrel of a gun or the edge of a blade,

they are the only guaranteed methods of getting people to remember or listen to anything

important.

Lisa: You listened to Seraph?

Knara: We became close friends before she left for Mimban, most of the time we spent together she mostly explained her pre-adopted life, and most of that time she was incoherently crying and sobbing.

Lisa: Really? That doesn't sound anything like the Seraph from last week.

Knara: No, but Twi'grutan's are a very emotional race. A few simple words or actions can drive a Sovereign into a blood frenzy or break down into tears.

Lisa: That explains a lot, so many of her temper tantrums was just out of control

hormones.

Knara: Apparently, but nearly everyone at our age is subjected to that kind of brutal

torture.

(Meanwhile in another room, Homer, Grunchy, and Aon are in a meeting with the

Springfield Mafia.)

Fat Tony: Mr. Simpson, I congratulate you on your recent prosperity.

Homer: (He's bashful.) It was nothing really; all I did was embarrass a member of the

military.

Fat Tony: I see, well now that you are a captain of industry so to speak, I think you should

know that I am here to collect on charity, if you know what I mean.

Grunchy: Skip to the point gorilla.

Fat Tony: Forgive me for saying so, but your miniature goon seems to be a little short

tempered.

Homer: Shhh, shhh! Don't call him a goon.

Grunchy: (He tries to claw at Fat Tony but Homer is struggling to keep him back.) Leave

me alone with this glorified bipedal walrus and you will find a… interesting mess all over

the floor, oh yes it will inspire a binge purging for the ages!

Fat Tony: I take it he does not like being called a goon?

Grunchy: What was your first guess you wretched Cocytus spawn?

Aon: Just get to the point of this "sit down" shizno.

Fat Tony: Let me put sweet and simply, we will make sure that nothing happens to the

weapons factory for fifteen thousand credits per week no more no less.

Aon: So it's extortion is it?

Fat Tony: No not at all, I am just asking for a sum of money every week or I send my men

over to your factory and break random equipment and electronics.

Aon: (She pulls out a pair of Brute Spikers.) You know it would be wise for you and your

"friends" to, Akatosh, run with your tails between your legs and By-rul'k, and don't blurt

out your intentions. Now GET OUT! (She begins to fire as the Mafia runs outside, she

pursues.)

Grunchy: Just once I would like to chase them out.

(Mona enters the room with a plate of freshly baked cookies.)Mona: Homer you told me

you were having friends over.

Homer: I did! (He pouts.) But Aon chased them off just because there were with the

mafia.

Grunchy: They were trying to extort you, or racketeer I don't know much of what mafias

do. Either way they were not here on friendly business.

Mona: (Sighs.) Homer how many of these crime bosses have you met so far?

Homer: So far just Fat Tony, I have twelve other meetings later.

Mona: (Sighs.) Why are you doing all of this anyway?

Grunchy: I'll leave you two alone. (He leaves the room.)

Homer: Look Mom I'm new to this whole CEO business, these guys offered to help with

administration matters so I could spend more time with my family. (He whispers.) I know

that sounds crazy, but after the FBI hauled Moe away for smuggling explosives Ur-nuck

took over, it now smells like rotten eggs and burnt card board as opposed to gasoline and

fresh pee from before.

Mona: Homer I'll be blunt, I am very disappointed in you.

Homer: Why because I'm now living in the mansion of the very same man that forced you to be on the lamb for thirty long years?

Mona: No that I'm happy for, it's that you would be this irresponsible enough to deal crime syndicates. (She groans.) Homer I was going to tell you this a little latter but now I

am just going to tell it to you strait.

Homer: Mom, what are you talking about?

Mona: Homer, (A man that looks like Eric Idle enters the room.) this is Peter.

Peter: Hello Homer, (He shakes Homer's hand.) it's been to long since we last met.

Homer: Do I know you?

Peter: No but I know you, (He shivers.) more than I would have liked wanted to.

Homer: Have you been stalking me, (He grumbles.) just like the FBI and everyone else?

Peter: No not really.

Homer: Wait… are you anything like the Q's from Star Trek?

Peter: Bravo Homer you guessed quicker than I thought you would.

Homer: (He squeals like a giddy school girl, or your average boy band fan, take your pick.) MOM! THERE'S A Q IN THE HOUSE!

Peter: Homer I'm not a Q, I'm a Time Lord.

Homer: Time Lord, Q whatever, I really liked your work in Encounter at Farpoint that

was my favorite episode of the Next Generation.

Mona: Homer please focus honey, this isn't going to be an easy thing to say but, (She

takes a deep breath.) you and I are both Time Lords.

Homer: (He's chuckling.) Come on Mom quit joking with me. (Mona and Peter have serious looks on their faces.) You're not joking; I've been a Q all this time and you never told me!

Peter: YOU ARE NOT A Q! NOBODY IN THIS BUILDING IS A Q! SO WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! SIT DOWN, AND LISTEN! (Homer quickly takes a seat.) Thank you, now that you have piped down I can call the meeting to order. (He bangs a gavel and the room changes into a war room.)

Homer: What then? What did you do to my house?

Peter: Nothing, as far as anyone is concerned you never left that room.

Homer: Okay, (He whispers to Mona.) I'll play along Mom, but I seriously think this guy

is a bit wacko.

Mona: He always was, it's a rather long story but I will get to that later.

Homer: How much latter?

(Groucho Marx enters the room, yes THE Groucho Marx.)

Groucho: Well that depends on a lot of factors, when we get the latté of course but Peter

never tips the delivery boy so he might be delaying on purpose.

Homer: Haven't I seen your face somewhere before?

Groucho: Right where it is.

Peter: Look just get everyone ready for the meeting? We have no idea what the enemy is

up to.

Groucho: Just off the top of my head, either building the largest house of cards in the

galaxy or posing for a lingerie magazine.

Peter: Honestly where do you makeup these crackpot theories?

Groucho: Didn't I just say that? Off the top of my head.

(Meanwhile on Rapture, Tyrana and Dr. Husk are constructing… the galaxies largest

house of cards; don't ask me why I'm making this up as I go along.)

Tyrana: Okay Husk, were just a few cards away from the ultimate galactic record.

Dr. Husk: Very well sir, (He gives him several playing cards.) best of luck.

Tyrana: (He gets on a platform and it levitates up to the ceiling, roughly ten minutes of

this latter he reaches the very top.) Okay, just nine more cards and the record is mine, (He

places the cards gently on top.) eight, seven. (Just then a loud slam thunders through the

room and the house of cards falls apart.) Six, five, four, three, two, one, Husk what just

happened!

Dr. Husk: It's Rhea.

(Rhea is in the doorway with an angry scowl on her face and her eyes are colored red.)

Tyrana: (Moans.) Why are you here? (He jumps off of the platform and lands right in

front of her.)

Rhea: I have to talk to you about something.

Tyrana: Leave us Husk, check on Nian or something see on how that lingerie catalog

photo session is going. (Husk leaves.) No then as you were saying?

Rhea: It's about this war.

Tyrana: Yes I'm quite disappointed as well.

Rhea: Really?

Tyrana: Yes it didn't have the bang I was hoping for, but they'll be enough time to get

around to that.

Rhea: I meant this war altogether, it has to end, right now!

Tyrana: (Sarcastically.) Rhea, it touches my hearts that care so much about the wellbeing

of your people, and your massive hunk of beef cake.

Rhea: I know you're talking about Stan. At any rate I don't care what it takes I want this

war to end today!

Tyrana: You know that cannot happen, we have gone too far to stop now. What ever

happened to the cold ruthless killer I met all those decades ago?

Rhea: She changed.

Tyrana: (Chuckles.) She grew soft on those whom her master frequently ranted about as

being flawed, I'll agree with Kaos on that but not to the extent he believes in it.

Rhea: I can still kill; remember I almost killed you before.

Tyrana: Ah yes how could I ever forget how we first met, when was that again?

Rhea: When I kidnapped Minas Aiur seven-hundred and fifty years ago, you broke the

visor on my helmet and then I grabbed your neck and proceeded to snap it.

Tyrana: Yes and then Aiur trusted a random steak knife into your head and you exploded

like some kind of giant dye pack, I'll never be able to repay him for that close save. Just a

stupid question but wouldn't that raise suspicion? You know exploding in a giant bloody

mess.

Rhea: Hmm, I never really thought of that.

Tyrana: Anyway, I am not going to try to end this war, from what I have heard WOK has

pretty much gone rogue, plus I'm pretty sure the "investment" Kaos made with Albion and Blazkowicz unnerved Burns beyond restoration. The point I'm trying to say is that I can't end the war now is because I do not know where to end it. (He slumps back in a chair.) Sometimes I wonder if the risks I'm taking are truly worth it, I mean one small mistake could inadvertently destroy the entire operation; Aiur would tear out my entrails and have my carcass paraded across the entire Rhodes sector.

Rhea: This is no time to worry about gruesome consequences. This mad scheme has to end.

Tyrana: I agree with you, I've been taking far too many risks with this.

Rhea: Very funny Tyrana.

Tyrana: No I'm serious this time, the fall of Katorga XII, over a thousand years of plotting has only left, what enough blood to drown half of this galaxy? For all I know I have doomed the entire universe to enslavement by a mad man.

Rhea: (She puts her hand on Tyrana's shoulder.) I know you had good if somewhat psychotic and delusional intentions for galactic civilization. But as the old saying goes, noble intentions are easily corrupted.

Tyrana: Perhaps, look I have a very risky idea I want to tell you. You will try to keep

Kaos's plans at bay, and when the Hierarchy falls (I'm not having high hopes of that

happing mind you) I will not try to exterminate humanity.

Rhea: What makes you think I would believe you? You aren't exactly one for keeping

your promises.

Tyrana: That's a given, but you love Stan don't you?

Rhea: He is the only man I have ever truly loved; he may be the only person I could ever

feel romantic feelings for.

Tyrana: Then consider this, the longer humanity as a species lasts, the longer you and

Stan can be together, possibly start a family without Kaos hovering over your shoulder

telling you what to do and using the obedience failsafe whenever you refuse.

Rhea: (Nervously.) I suppose that would nice, but Kaos would just be downloaded into a

new body if he's killed anyway, and it would be impossible to downgrade or box him

since he's a Progenitor.

Tyrana: When the time comes such sacrifices will have to be made, and when that day

comes I hope that you will be there to lead the charge

Rhea: Really?

Tyrana: Neither of us have any love for that delusional science experiment of Andúril's,

no offence.

Rhea: None taken, so it's settled I will form a splinter cell in the Hierarchy and prevent the extinction of humanity while you run him ragged till he starts pulling out his hair.

Tyrana: Or until he pulls a gun on his head, whichever comes first. You are free to leave

if you wish.

Rhea: Yes lord Tyrana, (She notices the large pile of playing cards on the floor, she picks

one up.) what are these?

Tyrana: Oh those? There old Terran playing cards.

Rhea: I know what they are but why are they here?

Tyrana: Well you know I like to do little things, practices in little pointless hobbies that don't go very far, you know to keep my mind off of my frustration. You know wasting the last thousand years of my life trying to destroy the human race?

Rhea: Ah, you mean like how you blackmailed my sister into belly dancing at her state of the union address?

Tyrana: Not really, FOX news ratings were at an all-time low and I was really desperate to not air over three hundred-thousand Seth MacFarlane cartoons AGAIN and, well it's been far too long since I publicly humiliated an Orion president.

Rhea: Ah ha, and thanks to that I changed my last name from Orion, to Aeryn.

Tyrana: Fair enough, that and a dumb joke like "gone awryion" would compel anyone to change their names, or jump out of a ship hanger from high orbit over a planet.

Rhea: And what's that I heard about a lingerie catalog?

Tyrana: You'd be amazed at how lucrative that business is. Plus the last decade has been a finical disaster for me.

Rhea: Really? I thought only the Federation had that problem.

Tyrana: Look can you please just go back to Ooban please?

Rhea: Only because you said please. (She leaves Rapture.)

Tyrana: (He whips some sweat off of his forehead.) I thought she would never leave.

(Dr. Husk and Nian enter the room; mind you she is in a bikini that matches her skin tone.)

Dr. Husk: Is she gone?

Tyrana: Yes, and she now believes I won't try to destroy the humans, or the Machina.

Nian: What? Who is "she"?

Tyrana: Why, the lovely senator Rhea Aeryn of the Machina.

Dr. Husk: Wait I thought her last name was Orion?

Tyrana: It was but after that embarrassment with her "sister" she changed her name, and

besides if you think about it her name is just an alias anyway so it doesn't really matter.

Nian: Hmm, I think I would like to meet this Rhea.

Tyrana: You might, but if you do would you kindly not speak, at all? (Nian snarls

angrily.) Look just try to be patient, your people are hunters you of all people should

know that. Now would you kindly go back to your room? Put some cloths on, and get

back into your cryo-tube? (Nian is silent, she leaves the room.) Husk, make some

arrangements in the wilderness sector to assist the Alliance plus assistance to the

Fellowship with Cartel resistance cells.

Dr. Husk: By your word, wait was this choice of Rhea's persuasion?

Tyrana: Not really, but it is merely for the sake of sowing the deception, you see

humanity isn't the only life form in the universe that has to be destroyed for the sake of

all. The Machina seek to destroy all life in the galaxy, I don't care if at least one of them

wants peace but it doesn't change the fact that they betrayed my people. OUR people Husk, and because why, a small computer error?

Dr. Husk: There primary control hub was destroyed.

Tyrana: Even so that's not an excuse for treason, and soon they will pay for it as humanity will soon pay for the fall of the colonies, and existence itself she hail me as the savior of all until the last age!

Dr. Husk: (Worried.) Of course it will… (He leaves the room.) One of these I have got to get him a therapist.

(Meanwhile on Earth, Bart and Tsaritsyn are in the recently installed holo-deck in the mansion.)

Bart: So what game do you want to play? (He pulls down a holographic menu.) This looks nice, Call of Duty: Galactic Warfare 2

Tsaritsyn: I would but only if it stops calling it keeps me up at night. Why I gave duty my

phone number I'll never know we haven't dated in weeks.

Bart: (Awkwardly.) Okay, Sheila why don't you pick one?

Sheila: (Her hologram appears.) Must I be dragged into this?

Bart: Yes you must, now what games would you recommend?

Sheila: You wouldn't like the options I would present.

Tsaritsyn: Normally I wouldn't agree with an AI but I'm not in a normal mood today.

Bart: Look I already picked one game and I'm not going to pick another one.

Sheila: Very well, but if you don't like it, it was your idea for me to pick this.

(Sheila pulls down a menu and selects a game; suddenly they are over a large Savannah,

Bart and Tsaritsyn free-fall for a minute before landing flat on their faces.)

Bart: It feels like my first day of school all over again.

Tsaritsyn: It feels like my first day at school, except I was flat on my back. In fact I think

this is the first time I've ever fallen on my face.

Bart: Don't you ever shut up?

Tsaritsyn: Yes but that's normally when I can't think of anything to say.

(They both get back up on their feet.)

Bart: What game is this anyway?

Sheila: (She appears in a princess gown; she is speaking in a southern accent.) Oh please

brave duds, help me!

Tsaritsyn: What's the problem ma'am? Blue goblins from the north are coming to take

over your farm lands?

Sheila: No! My daddies' hotel is going under!

Bart: Going under what?

Tsaritsyn: (He slaps Bart over the head.) First off babbling confusing wit is my shtick!

Secondly I think I've played this game before, just a trick question but what's the name of

your daddies' hotel?

Sheila: The Gnome Plaza Hotel.

Tsaritsyn: Scratch what I just said; I HAVE played this game before.

Bart: What are you talking about?

Tsaritsyn: This is Fantasy Hotel, in this game you have to manage the hotel of your

dreams, or more accurately and honestly the hotel of your nightmares.

Bart: Why is it hard?

Tsaritsyn: Yes and no, yes it is hard. No it would have been otherwise if Sheila didn't pick

campaign mode for us.

Bart: What's campaign mode?

Tsaritsyn: I'd tell you but I don't want to spoil the look of surprise and anxiety when

everything goes to the dogs.

(Several minutes later Knara and Lisa enter the holo-deck to find a well decorated hotel

lobby.)

Lisa: Knara do you know anything about this?

Knara: Yes I think so, assuming we don't meet anyone named "Me Who" or "Hey Low".

(To men come up to them, and just a heads up it's not Bart and Tsaritsyn, its two men

named Me Who and Hey Low.)

Hey and Me: (In unison.) Did someone mention our names?

(Tsaritsyn shows up with a pair of axes in his hands.)

Tsaritsyn: Boys if I've "axed" you once I'll "axe" you again, (He drives the axes into their

heads.) will you two please not bother the guests? (He goes behind the reception desk.)

Now then can I help you beautiful young ladies? Or are you going to help yourselves?

Just so you know unless you sign in the guest book you're not getting any of the services.

Lisa: Tsaritsyn we are not looking for a room, do you know where Bart is?

Tsaritsyn: I don't know, he said something about rearranging the room numbers.

Knara: Wouldn't that be confusing?

Tsaritsyn: Yes but can you imagine how much fun that would be?

Lisa: I imagine you don't get much repeat business do you?

Tsaritsyn: More than you'd think, there's a seventy-five cent dinner special every night

that knocks everyone's eyes out, after their eyes are knocked out I jack up the price to

astronomical costs. Just out of curiosity why are you two down here anyway?

Lisa: Well Knara thought it was important.

Knara: Yes it's time for… (She shows her watch.) The, you know?

Tsaritsyn: Oh, so you're tired of Lisa annoying you with probing personal questions so

you came down here for an early training session. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go find

Bart but you may have to wait a while he might try to run for it or I might get stuck in the

elevator. (He gets into an elevator.)

Lisa: You thought my questions were annoying?

Knara: Look apart from mother I'm not used to being asked personal questions. Besides

yours just kept pulling up one over another, I swear I was one or three dead end questions

away from impaling you with my shock lance.

(Meanwhile in the same room Homer before the scene changed to Rapture, the Time

Lords are still in conference.)

Homer: So let me get this straight, my mother is a Time Lord? I am half Time Lord? and

my kids are one forth Time Lord?

Peter: FINALLY! It feels like we've been in this meeting for over a month now.

Homer: But I have two questions now, first why has my family and I been sent to this

horrible future were humanity lives in only ONE measly galaxy? Two who was

responsible for that blue dome thingy? Was it you? (He points to Peter.)

Peter: Don't be silly Homer the Time Lords had nothing to do with the Chronodome and

the repercussions that followed. It was the Charons that were responsible for just about

everything that has gone wrong over the last three thousand years.

Homer: Yeah right everyone tries to blame something on someone else that is SO

original!

Groucho: You don't know what a Charon is, do you?

Homer: (Embarrassed.) No.

Groucho: Neither do I so better let Peter do the confusing chattering.

Peter: (He sighs in frustration.) Fine let ME do all the work, the Charons were… are an

evil alien race created by the Seraphim over… has it been eleven-thousand years now?

Anyway they were originally created to spread peace and enlightenment throughout the

universe, but as anyone with a brain would know things like this never go according to

plan.

Homer: Is this going to take long?

Peter: Listen you were patient enough to realize you were a Time Lord/human hybrid you

can wait a little longer to explain what is going on. Anyway sometime after they were created the Charons were offered the ability to manipulate time by the Dark lord in exchange they would destroy the Seraphim. (He then goes on to explain the almost the exact same back-story that Twile told Bart in chapter 22.) and that Homer is the state of the universe at large, now how much of that did you listen to? (Homer is staring into blank space.) I'll take that as not much.

Homer: How do we Time Lords play apart in this? I mean it seems to me this whole thing is just a blood feud between the Seraphim and the Charons.

Peter: That Chronodome was made from refined Time Lord blood, OUR blood!

Homer: What! That can't be true, that's impossible!

Peter: It is true and it is possible, the Dark lord taught the Charons on how to harvest and

kill Time Lords. Over the last three thousand years many of us went into hiding,

occasionally mating with other species.

Homer: EWW! Nasty!

Peter: O keep a lid on it, that sort of thing spawned you.

Homer: Wait, does this mean that.

Peter: No your father is not a Time Lord, and for that I am very grateful.

Homer: Oh, but does that mean?

Peter: No you wife isn't a Time Lord either. Believe me she would have made a terrible

one, much like the same logic that you aren't French, like she is.

Homer: Oh, but are my?

Peter: Yes and no, yes Maggie is 100% Time Lord thanks to that little cloning incident

that brought her back from the dead. No Bart and Lisa are technically one forth Time

Lords themselves as you stated before, and to answer your next question in advance you

and your children have only a limited grasp of Time Lord powers. But for the sake of the

galaxy I won't tell you what they are.

Homer: What! Why not?

Peter: For one thing if I know you well enough that it would lead to chaos and utter

destruction.

Homer: But I want them now!

Peter: Sorry Homer, and before we go keep the closest eye on Flanders that you can spare

if you don't the consequences will spell doom for the entire universe, meeting adjourned!

(He bangs his gavel and the room returns to normal.)

Homer: D'oh! Mom why didn't you tell me any sooner?

Mona: Homer understand that I would have told you sooner, but so many things came up,

the 60s, the 70s, the 80s and so forth were so chaotic I'm actually surprised that I didn't

forget I was a Time Lord.

Homer: Just because I can, and speaking as half-human. Why did you bother coming to

Earth?

Mona: I always found humanity to have been such an interesting species, so resilient and

such a long list of heroes. But apart from that I didn't know squat about the human race

and then I came here and.

Homer: And another thing, (He's trying not to laugh.) did that guy honestly expect me to

believe that my children now have angels in their personal lives?

Mona: Technically Seraph isn't one of your children, but due to her exposure to the

quantum radiation, the Thrail nano-probes in her bloodstream and her recently reactivated

connection to the Essence she should have some Time Lord Powers, eventually.

Homer: Uh huh you veered completely off topic.

Mona: Oh right, well yes it's true that Seth and Knara are both Seraphim, as well as the

Templar that Seraph is with now. Mark my words someday the fate of the universe my

very well lie in the hands of the Simpson's.

Homer: Ah does it have to?

Mona: Believe me I wish it wouldn't, but then again no one is really the master of their

own destinies.

Homer: O come on Mom what makes you say that?

Mona: Believe me I have my reasons to believe that.

(Bart and Lisa enter the room.)

Homer: Kids, I don't know how to tell you this.

Bart: Please not another triple bypass.

Homer: No it's… a bit harder to take in then bypass surgery.

(Homer then goes on to explain what Peter told him before.)

Lisa: You expect us to believe that nonsense?

Homer: (Bashfully.) No, not really. Just getting to that age were you just make up stories

for no apparent reason you know?

Lisa: So you're starting to become more like grandpa?

(Grandpa enters the room dressed like Professor Farnsworth from Futurama.)

Grandpa: Good news everyone! I have come to greet the newest member of the

Simpson's! Now where is Sheriff Ashpants? I want pinch his checks till they turn red.

Homer: Not really kids, for a start I know that Seraph left about two weeks ago.

Grandpa: Look I know I'm not perfect but did you have to give what's-his-name a heads

up to run for the hills?

Homer: No dad it had nothing to do with you, and besides Marge called you about that a month ago what took you so long?

Grandpa: Thought it was another prank call from that little delinquent "El Barto."

(Aon jumps into the room and throws several objects which turn into a force field.)

Aon: KEEP YOUR HEADS DOWN!

Grandpa: GAH! The British are coming! The British are coming!

Aon: What? No this has nothing to do with the British, and who are you anyway?

Grandpa: I'm Homers father, now who are you ugly?

Aon: We can talk about that later but, (A gunship resembling a Scorpion Gunship from

James Cameron's: Avatar.) just get to cover.

Homer: What did you do out there!

Aon: I got carried away running them off and the mafia somehow got their hands on an

Orion gunship, don't ask me how (She pulls out a Collector Particle Beam emitter from

Mass Effect 2.) just get to another room before the sparks fly.

Bart: AHH! I like sparks!

Aon: Fine you can stay, but if your mother asks why your impaled on a large piece of

metal I won't say a word about it.

Bart: Point taken.

(Everyone but Aon hastily leave the room, she then fires her weapon and the gunship

starts to crash down in flames but the crew survives.)

Fat Tony: I told you goons to read the owner's manual!

Frankie the Squealer: It's not my fault, the new guy was supposed to read it.

(There is a guy that looks like Chico Marx climbing out of the cockpit, this isn't the real

Chico mind you he's just a parody.)

Chico parody: (He has a heavy Italian accent.) It's a not-a my a-fault-a! The manual she was-a spelt a-funny!

(Meanwhile Mimban IV, Seraph has just returned to her dorm room after a long day, she has a tired look on her face.)

Seraph: Boy has this been a long day, (She sits down at her QDAT and turns it on.) I thought my therapy session with Solemn Oath would never end. I need to relax before delivering that report to Stan.

(A hologram of her QDAT's AI appears.)

QDAT-AI: Excuse me Miss Ashla, but you have some unread Q-mail from EMIR-12.

Seraph: I was beginning to wonder when he was going to call back, patch him through.

(The recording begins; there is a hologram of what looks like Legion from Mass Effect 2 firing an assault rifle.)

EMIR-12: Greetings Seraph Ashla, we are EMIR-12, we are here to reveal the truth, truth that has been hidden from you, hidden from us, and hidden from history. (A large hole is blown in his chest,) Turvack! I just got that cleaned!

Seraph: EMIR what's happening?

EMIR-12: Our secrecy has been compromised! I'm certain how but some Blood cultists

has found us!

Seraph: Well what do you want me to do about it!

EMIR-12: Nothing, but listen very carefully, we have uncovered several secrets that

probably lured the shizno here. One if which, included the identity, of the leader, of the

Inquisition.

Seraph: Really?

EMIR-12: Not really, it's more of an alias really, "The lidless watcher." Whether or not it

is a mention of an actual handicap is another matter entirely, anyway from what little we

could decipher of his profile his base of operations is on an uncharted water planet deep

in the wilderness sector known only as Micara'vjala-Udrvanka, roughly translated from

Neo-Telkese it means, "Enclave for the weary exiles." We are not sure what this watcher is doing but from what little Intel we could gleam it's a mix between a refugee camp and a top secret research center.

Seraph: That makes sense.

EMIR-12: What's more they have to somehow get their hands on the deprogrammed

ECIDNA, now designated the Blade of Shak'ak-Uraas.

Seraph: Do you at least have any photos of the lidless watcher?

EMIR-12: No whoever he is he has obviously covered his tracks well. On a related note

according to the prisoner records, hold on this doesn't seem right.

Seraph: (Anxious.) What? What is it?

EMIR-12: According to the prisoner records YOU were confined to Virtual Torture, in

other words you've never been to Koprulu and were never technically subjected to the

torture that you claimed to have endured during your five year exodus from Mimban IV,

and before you start to correct me we happen to know that no such facility as Koprulican

Junior Spartan Training Sanctuary Alpha 1711830040-42 ever existed, and now that the

topic is up Koprulican training protocols are not as barbaric or as unethical as you

claimed they were!

Seraph: (She's stuttering.) But, but. I remember all of it will perfect clarity! I have all of

the scars! (She pulls down her cloths and shows EMIR-12's the scars on her back.)

EMIR-12: GAH! Was seeing those really necessary? Anyway if those are real then must

have been a pretty realistic simulation. (There is a loud explosion.) Seraph I don't know

how much more time I have left, so I'm going to tell you everything I should have told

you when I first contacted you. First off I was created by your father Narsil Ashla!

Seraph: What? That doesn't seem possible! Wait, now that I actually see you do look…

familiar.

EMIR-12: I was your fathers care taker, I was created to protect the Ashla clan after both

of your parents forswore their oaths of vigilance and attempted to start a normal family.

Seraph: You still don't ring any bells.

EMIR-12: Before your family went on that fated cruise your father left me behind and

told me that if you never return I was to dedicate the rest of my existence to tracking

everyone down and keeping you safe.

Seraph: Now I remember! Dad did tell you that, in those exact words! What took you so

long to find me anyway?

EMIR-12: It's complicated, at first I thought you were safe in the order, but then you left

it and somehow you were no longer on the grid. (There is an even louder explosion.)

GWAK! The galaxy must know the truth, you must tell the galaxy, break the silence! We

are EMIR-12!

(The leader of the humans comes up behind him and it is… **NEDFLANDERS!** Seriously

I had no idea he would stoop to this level, wait he looks brain washed.)

Ned: So you must be silenced! (He unsuccessfully tries to kill EMIR-12 by shooting

through the hole in his chest.)

EMIR-12: You idiot I already have a hole there! Who sent you anyway, The Inquisition?

Ned: No, master Kizer sent me.

EMIR-12: Who-the-what-now? (Ned aims his gun at EMIR-12's head.) Wait your

working with the Char…

(The video field abruptly ends; Seraph has a bewildered and confused look on her face.)

Seraph: Well… so much for relaxation, I just learned that the last five years of life was

some sort of long term conspiracy to bring about the destruction of the human race and

yes Zaar I know you and Daavas have been listening to everything in here.

(Zaar and Daavas enter the room.)

Daavas: Your smell gave us away.

Zaar: It's not my fault I'm attracted to the sound of plasma fire.

Seraph: How much of that did you hear?

Daavas: (Sighs.) All of it, now I'm scared out of my montrals how long has this… thing

been contacting you?

Seraph: Almost two months now that you mention it.

Daavas: You have to tell someone about what you learned.

Seraph: I can't!

Daavas: Why not?

Seraph: The galaxy would spin wildly into chaos and anarchy if what I was told ever

reached the public.

Zaar: Good point, this defiantly goes far beyond teenage pregnancy this could potentially bring about the fall of galactic civilization, and dare I say the very existence of the universe if it backfires horribly enough.

Seraph: No one asked for your opinion but that's basically the gist of it. The galaxy is in enough chaos as it is without the knowledge that someone orchestrated all of this. For all I know this only effects humanity and just so were clear I don't give a frack about what happens to any of them!

Daavas: Seraph… this doesn't sound anything like you. I never thought you were the kind of person to swear off your mouth AND hold an entire species in contempt.

Seraph: Well get used to it. I, no WE just learned that the past one thousand years of history have just been one big lie! Look I will deal with this myself when the opportunity arises.

Zaar: Funny could have sworn you just said that you have no care for humans.

Seraph: I did, but let's face it my people have suffered the most because of what this lidless watcher has done.

Daavas: You mean OUR people. Look does anyone else know about this?

Seraph: Well there's Bart and Lisa, and to a lesser extent Homer. (Daavas and Zaar have confused looks on their faces.) That would be three-fourths of my foster family.

Daavas: Yet that does not make me feel better; I mean what if THEY told anyone about this conspiracy?

Seraph: Trust me nobody would believe them if they said such a thing was happening.

Zaar: Let me guess, they were poor worthless nothings?

Seraph: Pretty much, now if you'll excuse me I have to write a report on the disappearance of the Republic 3rd fleet.

Zaar: Why is it the third they lost?

Seraph: No it's the second actually, right after the 1st scouting Fleet of Scouring

Shadows.

Zaar: Oh I heard about that, I had a cousin stationed in that fleet.

Daavas: Zaar you have a relative in nearly walk of life in civilized space, apart from video

game designer and freelance fan fiction author.

(Meanwhile on Telchine, Pala Di-In, and his Novus Aloo Styx are in a meeting with

Minas Aiur.)

Di-In: What do you mean I can't get a transport to Asogur!

Aiur: I am saying you sent almost an entire fleet to its death to rescue the son of one of

the Fellowships greatest enemy, an enemy which your niece's death made him mind you.

Now you come to me begging for ANOTHER SHIP!

Di-In: It's just the one! Your overreacting I'm not asking for another fleet, I'm just asking

for one craft to get us into the Asogur system and contact San with whatever information

he has for us.

Aloo: Master is it alright if I speak with him?

Di-In: (Groans.) Fine, I can't seem to reason with him.

Aiur: I heard that!

Aloo: Look, your Excellency. We aren't asking for anything big, we are just asking for

transport.

Aiur: Doesn't the order already have its own transport ships?

Aloo: It does but none with any sort of cloaking device.

Aiur: What about that ship General Tartarus used to break the pirate blockade over

Tiberius?

Di-In: It was a rental from the Republic and, well the check bounced and now we have to

wait for three months to get it back.

Aiur: Yeah it's kind of been a bad century for stealth ships so far but there bound to make

a comeback.

Di-In: Perhaps, look do you have any stealth ships?

Aiur: Yes but there all on deep space exploration missions and it will be awhile before they return.

Aloo: (Sarcastically.) How convenient, we need a stealth ship and nobody has one available.

Di-In: Never mind that we'll borrow a regular ship from Premier Maccabeus.

Aiur: Very well kovar'cha. But mark my words; you're a fool to trust him. I sense something malevolent on the horizon and he may very well be the harbinger of it.

Di-In: Come now your just being paranoid.

Aiur: He's been Premier of the Confederacy for ten years, he used the last Bugalorian

Plague to gain more power in the Alliance senate, and somehow convinced Senator Rhea

to make him Premier of the Koprulicans when the Commerce Collective decided to

blockade her world, and his pro-Lukus opinions seems to me very suspicious.

Di-In: (Sighs.) Aloo, can you please wait in another room? This may take a while.

Aloo: By your will my Master. (She leaves the room.)

Aiur: She's loyal for one so young; I always admired loyalty especially when there were

no chains involved.

Di-In: Are you going somewhere with this?

Aiur: Yes, (He opens a window.) look out there Di-In. What do you see?

Di-In: The motherword, Telchine. I have seen the savannahs and grasslands of our world

from my first hour to now.

Aiur: You see our homeworld as it once; I see it for what it is now. Weakened, broken,

shattered, you see the Fellowship for what it was and I see all this for what it is now. A

tarnished shadow of its former glory. How long do you think it will be until they rebel?

The Njord, Quetzal, or the G-avn'al?

Di-In: The Counsel of keeping internal peace have done their duty since the fall of the

Charons. Since the Age of Triumph we have been there protectors, lords and masters,

they can't rebel against the Fellowship because they don't know how.

Aiur: Perhaps, but every day the Fellowship diminishes and we can't restore it, they will

notice, and the UFO will eventually realize this and attempt to bring us beneath there

heals and make us there slaves. No one can be completely unaware of what has been lost.

We lost our honor with the Age of Stagnation and at the hands of man.

Di-In: The United Federation of Orion and humanity in general may have done horrible

things in the past, but they are on a rebound. It has always been a sad time when you

lament Aiur, a normal person without hope is one thing, an Emperor without hope is nigh

unthinkable.

Aiur: Do you doubt my courage as Tyrana does?

Di-In: No but I do doubt your faith in yourself, as the first son of Andu, ever since Aon

left your life your sanity has been spiraling downhill.

Aiur: This has nothing to do with Aon, look just go to Koprulu and ask for your stupid

ship.

Di-In: Very well. (He starts to leave.)

Aiur: The end is coming Di-In. Nov Grat'malaroth nolv-hatata. Theranis nov tritanaha,

witorus lovac. Nov vactaris, witorus cerebrals. Nov fredon'ius, witorus secrau-alchus.

(Translation: No war is without casualties. There can be no triumph, without loss. No

victory, without suffering. No freedom, without sacrifice.)

Di-In: Then we shall meet that end, with weapons in hand and in joy in ALL of our

hearts. Every life form in the universe rightfully belongs to the All-father Iam!

Aiur: Aye my lord Di-In, Dagoroth guide your blade, Feelia guide your mind, and

Tevinatarus guide your ambitions, and may the All-father save us all.

Di-In: To you as well Kovar'cha, believe me you need it more then I.

(Fifteen minutes later Stan and Seraph are in the School's war room.)

Stan: Seraph is your report done?

Seraph: Yes master, I've compiled over the technical data and assimilated almost a year's

worth of data on the subject to see any recurring pattern.

Stan: Well done, can't say I approve of the assimilating but well done.

Seraph: Not well enough, it's just too darn random, I mean the Republic 3rd fleet

disappeared at the edge of the wilderness border, and the 1st scouting fleet of Scouring

Shadows vanished deep in the War-fang system on the other side of the galaxy. Any

prediction would just be a wild guess.

Stan: Typical, little to no good Intel, dirty dark deals with the devil behind our backs

hampering our every move. I can tell you this; the pirates picked an all too convenient

time to strike at us.

Seraph: A good analysis master. Look I've been reviewing every scrap of information I

could gleam nearly every chance I could find and all of it points to the exact same

conclusion.

Stan: Let guess, this war shouldn't be happening?

Seraph: Yes, every possible conclusion has indicated that this conflict should not have

occurred, nor should it be possible for any of this to have happened.

Stan: Well that's reassuring, so I can just close my eyes and say. "None of this is

happening."

Seraph: I never said such a thing I simply pointed out that no one man could have united

every pirate gang in the galaxy, put them all under the same banner and managed to get

there filthy hands on so much advanced technology and equipment at such an alarming

rate.

Stan: Your right it doesn't seem possible, especially when you put it that way.

Seraph: Yes, and on a completely unrelated note I have you and senator Rhea Aeryn

scheduled for a midnight dinner at the "Seraphim's Grace" space station in orbit over the

planet on Saturday.

Stan: Yes excellent I've been meaning to get a reservation there for weeks now and…

wait why did you do that anyway?

Seraph: Well you know I thought I would do something nice since she did save our lives

on Vay'adour, besides you two seemed like a cute couple.

Stan: Are you insinuating something?

Seraph: No, no Master I'm not.

Stan: Good, if anyone found out I was married to her Di-In would be gnawing on my butt

for the rest of my life.

Seraph: YOU TWO ARE MARRIED!

Stan: I can't believe I just blurted that out loud. I've kept it all a secret since the siege of

Bugalore last year and I thought I could keep it secret until I became a

Seraph: Wonderful, I returned to the order just two weeks ago and apparently I have been

roped into some weird scheme.

Stan: Look it didn't seem that bad at the time, and besides it was a nightmare to convince

her to marry me.

Seraph: How did that come to pass anyway?

Stan: (Sighs.) Alright I'll tell you but you have to keep it a secret at ALL costs or I'll slit your throat got it Tano?

Seraph: You have an Ashla's oath on that, the threat of throat cutting was entirely unnecessary but go ahead.

Stan: Well funny enough it actually started about ten years ago when the Commerce Collective blockaded Rhea's homeworld of Ooban, Ibonek and his master Har-Bin Jaar went to try to negotiate for them to leave but they filled the meeting room with poisonous gas but they survived and went to the planet to rescue her and get her to Koprulu, cause at the time the Republic was at peace so the Confederacy were the only ones who could intervene, now on their way there ship got caught in a black hole and their Q-space engine was damaged beyond repair so they were deposited at Vay'adour, this is where I come into the story.

Seraph: I thought you said you were born on Koprulu?

Stan: I did, but you see my mother and I were… sold into slavery when I was three by my step-father.

Seraph: Yeesh and I thought I had it hard.

(Stan then goes on to tell her about he came into the Lukus Order and the Siege of Bugalore, which is basically a very long parody of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, complete with a Rakatan from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic playing Jar Jar Binks, and a subplot about how Catherine and Rhea first met that doesn't really go anywhere important.)

Stan: Then this WOK nonsense started and our marriage has been somewhat strained and

she's been acting really weird.

Seraph: She's human, your all weird universally weird.

Stan: Yes that's true, that good will tour was rather sudden, and she didn't really do much

apart from closed doors meeting. Plus she brought her handmaidens with her.

Seraph: How is that bad?

Stan: Were there any assassins that showed up unexpectedly?

Seraph: Yes.

Stan: Did any of these assassins kill anyone?

Seraph: No, actually I killed one and it exploded like a giant dye pack.

Stan: Wait am I going anywhere with this?

Seraph: Not really, personally I think your trying to make small talk.

Stan: Oh… well your dismissed.

Seraph: Then what should I do.

Stan: Enjoy your youth while you're still young.

Seraph: As you will my Master. (She leaves the room; she is intercepted by Daavas and

Zaar.) What do you two want and did you listen to anything in there?

Daavas: Not really we feel asleep from Tartarus telling his life story for the umpteenth

time.

Zaar: I've been trying to pitch a movie series about his life story for years, I wanted to get

the point of view of everyone involved but they were either dead, war criminals, or

demanded I just leave them alone. Which reminds me how do you think that robot is

doing?

Seraph: There was a gunshot before the transmission ended how do you think he's

doing?(Meanwhile on the ruins of Katorga XII, EMIR-12 is running from Ned Flanders

and his followers, which for anyone who is curious are various alien species and humans

covered in elaborate black tattoos.)

EMIR-12: I don't give a frack who you are, but whatever you and the Charons are

planning is already forfeit.

Ned: Only Kizer wants you dead, and soon every single alien in the universe. Besides I

thought I killed you

EMIR-12: First you're mad for even thinking about this course of genocide. Secondly all

you did was damage my long range receiver, and thirdly you do relies that there are at least thirty-five blood thirsty Blood cult disciples behind you and twelve of them are from five different sentient species?

Ned: It is as the master wills, and they know it as well as I do.

EMIR-12: What are you talking about? (He notices the glazed looks in all of their eyes.)

By the Forebears you've all been brainwashed!

Ned: Not brain washed. ENLIGHTEND!

(Ned and his followers continue to chase after EMIR-12 while he throws random

furniture to block there path, they corner him at a balcony overlooking the ruined

landscape of Katorga XII.)

EMIR-12: Mark my words mad one, you will fail. I will make certain of that, I do not

care for the salvation of the universe but my creator will die with it and I will not allow

anyone to die because of your wonton Speciesism! (He jumps over the banister, then a

ships flies up with him on top of it.) When this is over I'll cremate you with napalm and

make your spawn learn the truth of their fathers corruption

Ned: I killed them and drank and bathed in their blood, then ate there flesh with fava beans and a nice Chianti as part of my initiation trial!

EMIR-12: (Disgusted.) Sorry I asked. In that case I'll just cremate you with napalm (He goes down into the ship.)

(Meanwhile on Telchine, Minas Aiur is in a meeting with the members of the Fellowship of Andu government.)

Aiur: Now then I just want sure everyone is here this time so I'm going to do the head count again. Chieftain Fenr'is of the Njord Sovereignty?

Fenr'is: (Translation.) I am here, and await your word.

Aiur: Princess Selendis Lrack, regent of the Quetzal Dominion until her father recovers from his sudden case of the Bugalorian plague.

Selendis: (Perky.) Here, and might I say you look particular handsome today?

Aiur: I'm not in the mood for flattery today. The cOUNSELOR OF tHE cOUNSEL OF THE dRAIN bAMAGED?

A random Telkine dressed like clown: lES MY yIEGE!

Aiur: Thank you for showing up for once, and dressed. Lord Kitrach Armss'rij of

**T.F.I.D.F.L**?

Armss'rij: Here.

Aiur: Good that should be everyone I missed from my first head count so I'm just going to

continue my Sermon to the Fellowship. (He clears his throat.) Brothers and sisters of the

Fellowship, a red hour is dawning for us! For too long we have put up with the infinite

bickering of man, but now we have a chance to rebuild what we lost in the War of Stagnation all those long decades ago. Our future lies in the final conquest of the Cartel Remnants! As we all know the vile and hated Otiv is now rotting within the prison catacombs of our beloved motherworld. But those still loyal to his wealth have not yet surrendered; we will make them suffer to their final bloody cough for this!

Armss'rij: Excuse me for prying in your Excellency but is this going anywhere?

Aiur: It is Kitrach, we will make the Jabbabans pay for slandering the Fellowships honor, it will not be easy. Many will die before the wars end, but we stand triumphant over the broken bodies of our enemies, we will wipe out this plague! THE FELLOWSHIP… WILL… PREVAIL! Oh and after we're done with the rebel scum we'll join the Alliance in their hunt for the now elusive Wrath of Kaos.

Selendis: Why not just go after the pirates now? I mean they did destroy a two thirds of the Fleet of Infinite Vigilance.

Aiur: You'd think so, but I want to tie up every lose end before dropping the hammer on those dogs. You know make sure that our efforts aren't hampered on the home front?

Telkine in clown suit: mHAT TAKES MENCE TO SE.

Aiur: You have a good head on your shoulders despite your brain damage, or maybe because of it. Anyway, our path is set to war and only death is permitted to break it, after

all we are no strangers to war. Many of us have been fighting our whole lives in one way

or another. But in the end kovar'chas, only the bowels of the Dark lord await our

enemies… all of them.

(I appear out of nowhere.)

Darth Sith'ari: Sorry Aiur but do to some writers block on my part I'm going to have to

end the chapter early.

Aiur: I'll say the grammar in this script is appalling; it looks like nearly all of the dialog

was ripped off from video game cut scenes or from online comic strips, as well as a few

Marx brothers movies.

Darth Sith'ari: I know that, there were hundreds of footnotes all over this thing! Listen I'm

going to create another a chapter containing deleted scenes, interviews with the

characters, and maybe a list of triva.

Aiur: If I didn't know any better I'd say you losing your mind, I mean that weird guy

dressed like a clown? What's the point of that?

Telkine in clown suit: pHATS THE TORBLEM MITH WE?

Aiur: Case and point.

Darth Sith'ari: Like I just said I have writers block, and I also need a break from this for a

while. See you all next season!

Aiur: Wait there's going to be a next season?

Darth Sith'ari: Yes, complete with psychotic interstellar mayhem!

Telkine in clown suit: bSN'T THAT A IIT REDUNDANT?

Drath Sith'ari: (I blow off his head.) Oh shut up. Now then, enjoy these deleted scenes.


	30. Chapter 30: Deleted Scenes

The Simpson's: In Space: Episode 0: Part 30: Deleted Scenes

(Disclaimer: These are not technically Deleted Scenes, I thought of these instances sometime after I posted the actual chapters, or just thought of for the sake of the entertainment value, and was too embarrassed to edit them because it would have taken up too much time for me to fit them in.)

(Deleted Scene 1: This takes place during Bart and Lisa's first day of High School before chapter 1.)

Lisa: (She looks nervous.) Bart I don't know how to put this. But I'm really nervous, and maybe a bit gassy. (She lets out a small fart.)

Bart: Oh come on, just because your high grades aloud you to get into High School four

years early doesn't mean you should go into a panic.

Lisa: Well how can you be so calm? This is your first day here to! Besides that this is the

exact same High School our parents went to and first met and fell in love!

Bart: Do you have to go into every detail?

(The bell rings.)

Lisa: GAH! What was that!

Bart: It was just the bell, shesh if you keep this up you'll be a full-blown wreck by the end

of the day, and probably for the rest of the semester if you aren't careful.

(Deleted Scene 2: This take place during the twelve hour period, when Bart, Lisa, and Seraph are searching for a Peruses Fichus during chapter 9. Marge and Homer at a restaurant called "Urban Peril.")

Marge: Wow this restaurant looks so nice; I wonder what's on the menu?

Homer: I don't know but I hope it's not green.

(A waiter greets them.)

Waiter 1: Good afternoon, welcome to Urban Peril were everything we serve is always

and I mean ALWAYS fresh. The head waiter will be along with you shortly but just a

heads up he has a tendency to be a jerk.

Marge: Why?

Waiter 1: Well he doesn't really like humans but then again who does? That and he's also

the new guy we had to fire our last one for two

Homer: What he was lazy and rude or something? Believe me I've lost maybe three or

four jobs because of that.

Waiter 1: No he was more of what you humans would call a butt-kisser. Which was very

annoying to the customers, anyway after a while he cracked from the stress and threw

himself into the oven.

Marge: That's terrible.

Waiter 1: I'll say, the least he could have done was give everyone a heads up we had to

delay preparations for a particularly complicated dish just to get his charred corpse out of

that thing.

(The head waiter sneaks up on him.)

Head Waiter: What are you trying to do N'bal-Ong? Are trying to scare off the customers

again?

N'bal-Ong: No sir I'll just let you go about what we have in store for them, I'll just go into

the kitchen to get some more orders, and make sure it doesn't break out into a riot again.

(He enters the kitchen.)

Marge: What did he mean by a riot?

Head Waiter: Look there's a table ready for you now what do you want?

(He shows Homer and Marge to their table and gets them a pair of menus.)

Homer: (In very bad French accent.) Could you please translate zis mate-tra-de?

Head Waiter: NO! Now if you'll stop goofing off can I?

(N'bal-Ong exit's the kitchen covered in saliva.)

N'bal-Ong: Sir the main course is running amok again.

Head Waiter: Oh no. (He grunts in frustration.) Please tell me you did not jump out of its belly.

N'bal-Ong: No but it did spit me up.

Homer: Wait what's going on back there? Are you cooking elephants?

Head Waiter: Don't be silly… there's almost nothing to savor on one of those the meat is

to dry. No tonight were serving… (A huge monster bursts out of the kitchen.) That.

Marge: (Concerned.) Ah Homer, maybe we should eat somewhere else?

Homer: (Hastily.) Yes let's

(They leave the restaurant in a hurry.)

Head Waiter: WHO NEEDS YOU! SHIZNO SCUM! (He is eaten alive by the monster.)

N'bal-Ong: All I can say now is that I had better get promoted after all of this suffering.

(Deleted Scene 3: The following takes place after chapter 19 when Kizer met Flanders.

Kizer is at the front door of his house)

Kizer: This should be his house. (He rings the doorbell.) Hello? (Ned comes out of his

house with an antique assault rifle.)

Ned: WHO ARE YOU!

Kizer: I am Kizer; may I come into your house? I am not an alien if that is of any

importance.

Ned: Oh, well what is it you want?

Kizer: (He pulls out a big ruby and points it at Ned, the ruby emits strange energies which

hypnotize Ned.) You will let me inside of your house.

Ned: (His eyes are swirling.) I will let you in my house.

(Kizer and Ned enter the house.)

Kizer: You will obey my every command.

Ned: I will obey your every command.

Kizer: You will knockout your two sons with this device, (He gives him a tear gas

grenade.) and await further commands.

Ned: (He goes upstairs with the grenade.) I will knockout my sons with this device, and

await further commands.

(Deleted Scene 4: This takes place during chapter 21 at Capitol City space port. Rhea's

handmaidens are in an elevator in battle amour and carrying big assault rifles, of who are

Sekhment, Thrace, Siren, Hathor, Persephone, and Andraste.)

Andraste: Now does everyone remember the plan?

Thrace: We go through the space port, find the spy, and kill him.

Andraste: Excellent, any questions?

Persephone: Yes, why are we in disguise again? On top of that why don't we just simply

march in guns blazing?

Andraste: (Groans.) For the final time, if we don't use any subtlety with these missions

the Machina will be exposed, and the Omega directive will be blown. Besides, and this

may seem as a surprise to you but were all the exact same model as mistress Rhea, and to

a lesser extent President Catherine of this planet so that would bring up a LOT on

questions that would only end in our exposure.

Hathor: She has a point.

Andraste: Exactly, now then. We are getting to the boarding/unloading station, and remember. No talking.

(They exit the elevator.)

Siren: (Whispering.) So, no English?

Andraste: (Whispering.) No.

Siren: (Whispering.) Germen?

Andraste: (Whispering.) No.

Sekhment: (Whispering.) Andraste I think my weapons may have a few malfunctions.

Andraste: (Whispering.) Let me see that. (She takes Sekhments weapon.) It seems to be

all right to me.

Siren: (Whispering.) What about Telkese?

Andraste: NO NOT TELKESE EITHER! What is with you today! (Sekhments weapon

goes off and accidentally kills several people and everyone else runs screaming. Alarms

go blaring all over the space port.)

Voice over PR system: Warning: There are armed hostiles in the space port. I repeat there

are armed hostiles in the space port. Please… do not bother forming lining up in an

orderly fashion it seems but it seems your already taking things into your own hands.

That's right run around screaming like the idiots you undisciplined meat bags that you

are! It'll just make you easier targets for the attackers!

Siren: (Awkwardly.) So… No Russian?

Andraste: (She places her hands on the sides of Siren's head. She says the following in a

sinister sadistic voice.) No… (She snaps Siren's neck and she explodes like a giant bloody

dye-pack.) Russian.

Thrace: Was that really necessary?

Andraste: You were trained in explosives. Not pity, now move out!

Hathor: Do you think we should randomly gun down civilians?

Andraste: Can't think of a reason not to, and Sekhment please double check your weapons BEFORE a mission? I don't want this incident to happening again!

(After several minutes of randomly shooting at civilians, space port security, and SWAT team squads. They finally come across Meem and Andúril down an escalator.)

Persephone: Target insight! But I can't identify the other one.

Hathor: (She takes a look over where Persephone is.) Wait that's Thel And. (Her head explodes before she can finish and falls over a railing and Persephone quickly follows.)

Andúril: Please tell me that those weren't your last plasma thorns.

Meem: (He double checks his weapon.) Those were my last plasma thorns.

Andúril: Perfect! Now then I can find a good use for that dimwit Kirk!

Kirk: (He has a bomb strapped to his chest.) May I go now Mr. Dragon?

Andúril: I'll let you know.

Andraste: Follow my lead. (They go down the escalator still firing.)

Andúril: (He sets off the bombs on Kirk.) KIRK THEY HAVE CANDY! GO GET

THEM!

Kirk: Oh boy! Candy! (He runs towards the remaining 003's.)

Thrace: Andraste get behind us! That human looks armed!

(Andraste gets behind Thrace and Sekhment. Kirk then blows up with former and himself

with them.)

Andraste: Why am I always the last one to die in these missions? (She whips out a plasma

katana's and jumps on them.)

Meem: What the! (Andraste lands on him and proceeds to try to tear off his lower jaw.)

Get this thing off me!

Andúril: (She tears her off of Meem.) Nice try assassin, but no one ever expects Thel

Andúril. (He breaks Andraste's neck and she explodes like a giant dye pack. He roars in

pain from the stinging.) Why do they all ways keep doing that!

(Deleted Scene 5: This takes place between Chapters 15-17, specifically Thursday,

Seraph is in Thel Andúril's office sobbing.)

Andúril: (He is patting Seraph on the back.) There, there dear. We all have days were we

lose our minds to rage.

Seraph: (Her eyes are flooding with tears.) But I should have been stronger then this! I

just can't believe I let ONE Hjan'zied human get to me that badly.

Andúril: It happens to the best of us, (He opens a filing cabinet.) here let me get you a.

(He notices it's empty.) What the! (He looks through it franticly.) I could have sworn I

had some Telkese rum in here. (He gets up to see that Seraph is chugging down a bottle

of it, he notices that there are more empty bottles on his desk.) All right, how did you get

all of those without me looking?

Seraph: (She places the bottle on the desk, she sounds tipsy.) How should I know? (Hic.)

I'm drunk! (Her head falls onto the desk.)

Andúril: Listen I know your despondent over what you did to Kirk on Tuesday. But

drinking won't help you at all!

Seraph: (She has a minor hangover, she still sounds tipsy.) Then why have the rum?

(Hic.) Were you saving them for retirement? (Hic.) Come on, I won't tell anyone. (Hic.)

Andúril: (His teeth are grating.) I brought them for the sole purpose of décor. Besides it's mandatory to keep some kind of liquor in the office.

Seraph: Whatever gets you through the day kovar'cha. (Hic.) All-Fathers grace I hate myself for what I've become. (Hic.)

Andúril: What would that be?

Seraph: A sullen, bitter wreck. (Hic.) I mean look at me, in olden days my forbearers were the Sovereign rulers of the Twi'grutans. (Hic.) Now the last of clan Ashla, (She is slurring.) is sliting in a prlincipals office. (Hic.) Droning on and on and on and on and on and on and on (Andúril takes a brief glance at the clock on the wall.) and on and on and on and on.

Andúril: Are you going somewhere with this? Or is that the rum talking?

Seraph: (Hic.) I'm not sure, I'm drunk. (Hic.)

Andúril: Yes I believe we already established that. Now are you going anywhere with this

drunken rant, or do I have to send you home with a note to your foster parents?

Seraph: Hold on, and on and on and on and on and on about how I've been living through

J'yoid because of no real fault of my own. (Hic.) How about that? (Hic.)

Andúril: (Sighs.) Listen, you can't go through life mopping over every failure. The least you can do is bare your scars with dignity.

(Superintendent Chalmers suddenly bursts into Andúril's office.)

Chalmers: THEL! (Both Andúril and Seraph panic at the sound of his yelling.) I want a status report on the preparations for Kirk's funeral, and why isn't that student supposed to be in Juvenile Hall?

Andúril: For one thing, Kirk isn't dead. In fact I think he's in the hallway duck tapping himself to a wall. (He points to Kirk doing just that.) Secondly, Seraph's outburst in class was a completely natural occurrence on Twi'grutan Blood Rage, caused by extreme stress due the unnecessary ruckus of classmates on Tuesday. They were, at best, lucky that Kirk was the only one killed. The rest were either badly hurt, psychologically traumatized by the whole incident, or significantly maimed.

Chalmers: Hmm… well Kirk does seem okay, in his own way. And this… Blood Rage is

a naturally occurring biological in her species.

Seraph: (She looks like she has a migraine.) Aye, were you humans get pimples, zits, hair

growing in the armpits and… genital areas, voice ganging, hormonal imbalances and

attraction to the opposite gender. My people get the last three and, well it's pretty much

exclusive to females. But when enraged we go on a frenzy that leaves all around us in

shock, though at my age the largest body count I could get was just one and several

wounded. As I get older it could lead to massacre large enough to depopulate… oh, I

don't know… a small city? Maybe a large gated community? The numbers are always

random.

Chalmers: (He has a disturbed look on his face.) Ah… well… over the last month. I've

gotten used to the fact that things have been getting weirder. (A rhino is running down the

hallway, and Bart is skiing behind it singing the lyrics to the "Gilligan's Island" theme

song.) Yep, back in the old days it was just his pet dog while singing heavy metal. I'll just

leave you two alone. I have a lot on my table right now. Just try to keep this fiasco from

happening again. (He leaves the office.)

Seraph: Trust me Andúril, come next week Blood Rage from me will no longer be a problem.

Andúril: What makes you say that?

Seraph: (She a mischievous smirk on her face.) By then, I'll be out of UFO space

altogether.

Andúril: What? You already have a loving family here.

Seraph: (Unconcerned look on her face.) Perhaps, but I'm very close to becoming incurably insane from there company. Besides there dependency is growing both exhausting and frustrating.

Andúril: Well, where will you go?

Seraph: You will only follow me, and quite frankly I don't really want to think less of you

for the just because you couldn't leave me alone.

Andúril: (Sighs.) Very well, I will honor your dissuasion Seraph Ashla.

Seraph: As you say, oh and before I forget. (She hands him a holographic notebook.)

Andúril: (He looks over it.) What's this? Bear traps in all the student bathroom fixtures? Holographic replacements for all of the grates that lead to the schools waste disposal system? Releasing feral otters into the teachers' lounge? Playing the theme song to Uncle Bungie's Inter-Galactic Polka Party over the PA system until everyone begins eating their own ears to drown out the mindless racket? Lacing the cafeteria food with laxatives?

What in Iam's name is this?

Seraph: Just something I was planning with Bart last night. (A mischievous smirk plays across her face.) You know to make my last day of school a day to remember, (She drops the look.) the part about the otters was the only way Bart would go along with everything else. The point is that I'm giving you this as a heads up because I like you.

Andúril: Hmm… I'll give you credit for being honest. But I'm going to have to punish someone for this.

Seraph: (She scoffs.) Why not Bart? He came up with all the intricate details to camouflage the booby-traps. Even if they were only covered with primitive 21st century spray-paints. I recommended a clocking device but he insisted on using the last of his spray paints for it. But believe me they look just down right corny.

Andúril: (He's frantic.) Are you insane! (He cuts Seraph off before she can answer him.) Don't answer that. I have to do something about this! I just can't let this kind of chaos spread sitting down!

Seraph: Simple really.

(Seraph gives him four earplugs.)

Andúril: (He take the earplugs.) What am I supposed to do with these?

Seraph: You put them in your ears, and they prevent any damage to your hearing. Specifically from the, drive-you-off-your-rocker theme music, to the most annoying show in the known universe.

Andúril: (He gives off an annoyed snort.) I need a drink, (He opens up another filing cabinet only to find that it is empty.) Seraph. Do you know were my Njord mead went?

(He looks up to see Seraph chugging down a bottle of Njord mead, as well as several other bottles around her feet.)

Seraph: (She sounds completely drunk.) I wouldn't know, (Hic.) I'm drunk! (Hic. She falls on her face.) Can I get a ride home? (Hic.)

Andúril: (He emits an annoyed sigh.) Fine, (The bell rings.) just be glad that you decided to meet me at the end of the day. (He picks up Seraph.) Do you mind it if I dropped you off at my house first? My brood mate has a special formula that'll sober you up.

Seraph: Good. (Hic.) To be honest with you I didn't like the Simpson's anyway. (Hic.) Why didn't you adopt me? (Hic.)

Andúril: I tried adopting Thrail drones over the years, but frankly they always resented me for creating the Thrail in the first place. Besides I don't think your predicament would have been improved anyway.

Seraph: Oh no that's not what I meant. (Hic.) I meant that way I could see Knara more

often! (Hic.)

Andúril: (He puts Seraph into the front seat of his car.) Oh boy. (He gets into the car, and

drives out of the parking lot.) I get the feeling you're going somewhere with this am I

right?

Seraph: Yeah. (Hic.) Knara is HOT! (Hic.) I mean I don't think I've ever met a human

with such a cute butt. (Hic.) Have you ever wondered what she looks like naked? (Hic.)

Andúril: (He looks extremely surprised.) I'm seriously hoping that you're saying that because you're drunk. (He injects something into Seraph that makes her fall asleep.) This planet just keeps getting weirder every time I visit it. Or maybe I'm just saying that because I'm getting older. (He shrugs as he drives off.)


	31. IMPORTANT NOTICE

IMPORTANT NOTICE

Author's Note: Apparently there's a bit of a mess going on on this website involving stories being permanently deleted because they were mass flagged by a trollish watchdog group. Please read the following petition.

XXXXX

PLEASE copy & Sign this petition, and no worries, this is only a temporary chapter.

THANK YOU

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be loosing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

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